Dadu shakes her head. “Then ask Myra what she wants. Ask her and listen to her.”
My mom frowns deeply but doesn’t raise another argument. My dad looks exhausted. I know how much he values Dadu’s opinion. Maybe even more than he values my mother’s. It’s clear this denouncement is weighing on him. “What do you want, Myra?”
Stay as strong as you can. Ace’s words echo in my head.
I swallow the fear coating my throat. I can do this. I have to do this. My future is at stake. “I want to study English. I love reading about new worlds, and I love writing about them even more. It’s all I’ve ever dreamed about. English is everything to me.” I suck in a deep breath. “And I want to go to Columbia. Their program is incredible, and it’s an Ivy League school, and I know I would do amazing there. It’s the right choice for me and I can prove it. I have graphs, analyses, whatever you want. Just give me a chance.”
My parents are quiet as they stare at us and Dadu squeezes my shoulder again. My stomach swoops uncertainly as the silence stretches.
Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One.
“Please let me have this,” I say, my voice breaking. Please. “I promise you won’t regret it.”
“Okay.” The word comes out painstakingly from my dad’s lips. “You can study English.”
Okay.
Okay.
Okayokayokay.
My mouth falls open and no words come out. Dadu steps in for me. “And you will cast no judgment on her for this decision. If I hear or see you doing something of that manner, you’re going to wish it was me who died instead of your Abbu. Not that he would approve of any of this, either.”
“Ammu,” Baba says, aghast. “Don’t talk like that.”
“I’m being serious,” she says, sitting down across from me and sipping her chai. “It’s settled then. In the fall, Myra will apply to Columbia to study English and you will support her wholeheartedly.”
My heart is racing. Is this real? Can this be real? Did we do it? Did I do it?
All the heaviness weighing on my heart is slowly lifting like a strange fog. The world looks clearer, sharper.
Both my parents seem resigned. “Okay.”
As one, they rise and leave the room, shutting the door behind them. I blink after them in disbelief. “Am I dreaming?”
“No, Myra,” Dadu says, reaching over to squeeze my hand. I turn my attention back to her. My eyes feel like they’re about to bulge out of my head. “This is real life. You did it and I’m so proud of you for being brave. Please tell me if there are any issues. I’ll handle them, okay? I won’t let this family fall apart. You will have your happiness.”
“Dadu,” I say, my voice choked. I don’t bother to stop the tears this time. “Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
I lunge across the table and wrap my arms around her bony shoulders, squeezing as tightly as I can.
“Oh, Myra,” she says softly, hugging me back. “Don’t thank me. You did this. I simply helped.”
When I pull back, tears still streaming down my face, she gestures to my eyes with a small smile on her face. “The light is returning. Mashallah, Myra. Your Dada would be so proud, too. Maybe there’s hope for our family, after all.”
I exhale in such painful relief, it hurts. “I think you’re right, Dadu.”
53
T-PLUS 14 DAYS
My house is silent.
There’s an awkwardness in the air. I don’t think either of my parents are mad at me. They’re definitely irritated, but it seems directed more toward my grandma than me.
Samir comes to my room and gives me a quick hug, mumbling how happy he is for me. “I never did that,” he says a second later and walks out, which I should have expected.
Yet I can’t stop smiling afterward.
Sunday night, I slip a packet of research I did on Columbia’s English program under their door. Later, I hear my parents arguing with Dadu on the phone. I have to light two candles to stay calm enough to listen. The conversation starts loud but ends quietly. When my dad comes out of their room, he looks even more resigned than before.
“We’ll start looking at the best colleges for English in the summer. We saw your research, and the English program at Columbia looks decent, but you need to have backup options if it doesn’t work out,” Baba says on his way to the bathroom, and I gape at him. He doesn’t notice, already closing the door, but I can’t even process the words.
I did it. Things worked out somehow, and I can—I can have the future I want.
And I can have my parents, too.
That’s all I ever wanted.
One day, I know we’re going to fight over my general lack of freedom, and we’re definitely going to fight about Ace. But I have to believe those fights will be worth it.
I’ll be stronger. Braver. Bolder. I will win in the end. And Dadu will always support me.
Now that everything is resolved, now that my future is in my own hands, I can recognize Ace was right.
My true bravery was always there, hidden within my strength.
I text Nandini and Cora immediately with the good news, and they FaceTime me in tears. Cora is at the hairdresser and Nandini is at the movie theater, but neither hesitated to call. Of course they didn’t.
“We were so worried about you.” Cora sniffles. “I didn’t know what to do and Nandini said there wasn’t anything we could do, but I just love you so much and want you to be happy.”
“I was right,” Nandini says, but she’s rubbing at her red-rimmed eyes, too. “It wasn’t anything we did. You saved yourself, Karina. I’m so proud of you. We both are.”
“You guys did so much, though,” I say, refusing to let them gloss over their support. “You were there for me. You gave me the space I needed. You supported me from the beginning. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
Cora starts crying again, which sets off my own tears. Nandini tries to maintain a cool image, but her eyes are glassy, too.
“We’re so happy for you.” Cora wipes her nose hastily. “I’m going to give you the biggest fucking hug when I see you.”
“This is everything you deserve.” Nandini’s expression is so earnest I have to look away and take a deep breath to keep another round of tears from slipping free.
“Thank you.” I wave a hand in front of my eyes like the cool air will keep them from watering. “I missed you both impossibly. Thank you for putting up with me these past two weeks.”
“You’re stuck with us for life,” Nandini says.
I smile shakily. “Pinky promise?” I raise my pinky toward the camera.
“Pinky promise,” Nandini says, holding her pinky up.
Cora nods eagerly, holding up her pinky. “Pinky promise. NCK forever.”
All three of us start laughing and it feels right. I’ve missed this. I’ve missed them.
But there’s still one more person I need to talk to.
T-PLUS 15 DAYS
Monday morning, I wait in front of Ace’s locker. It means not seeing Nandini and Cora until English, but this is something I have to do in person.
My heart is racing in my chest but, for once, it’s for a good reason. I’m nervous but I’m also excited to tell him everything.
Earlier, Ace said I was the reason he found the bravery to talk to his family. As it turns out, he’s also the reason I found the bravery to talk to mine.
Maybe we bring out the best in each other. That’s not something I’m willing to lose.
I’m staring out the window at the end of the hallway when someone walks up behind me.
“Karina?” Ace says incredulously, and when I turn, he’s stopped in his tracks, staring at me with wide eyes.
I smile. “Are you still waiting?”
Ace looks gobsmacked, his lips parted
with no words coming out. He finally shakes his head, as if he’s trying to gather himself. “Yes. Of course, yes.”
I take a small step closer. It’s dizzying to have Ace so close but so far. “You can stop.”
“Stop...waiting?” Ace asks. He looks even more dazed than I feel.
My smile widens. “Yeah. I’m here. To stay.”
Ace’s eyes glitter. “Yeah? What happened?”
One more step closer.
“I talked to my parents again, but with Dadu’s help this time. I convinced them to let me study English.” It’s so hard to contain the hope rising inside me, trying to burst through the surface. It doesn’t help that Ace is looking at me like I’m the only person in the world. “I’m applying to Columbia in the fall. I was thinking we could work on our college essays together, if you want. Maybe after prom?”
Ace laughs breathlessly. “My English tutor might get jealous.”
Another step. The butterflies in my stomach are growing jittery, fluttering around in a frenzy. “That’s too bad. I think your girlfriend takes priority over your English tutor, though.”
He raises his eyebrows, a beautiful and familiar grin tugging at his lips. “My girlfriend?”
I nod, cheeks warming. “If that’s okay with you.”
Ace makes an incoherent noise in reply and crosses the distance between us, pulling me into a kiss.
I laugh against his lips. It’s easy to kiss him back. More natural than anything. I melt into the kiss, curving in toward him. My heart is beating like a sledgehammer in my chest, as if it’s moments away from giving out.
If I die in Ace Clyde’s arms, I’ll die happy.
Ace is the one to pull away, resting his forehead against mine. His eyes are somehow impossibly brighter, shining with the brilliance of a thousand lightning bolts. “Karina Ahmed, I’m so crazy about you. I always knew you were the bravest person I’ve ever met.”
A giggle slips past my lips. “Ace Clyde, I’m completely mad about you, too. Thank you for believing in me.”
We stand there in the middle of the hallway, just breathing in each other’s presence. Ace’s fingers are tracing the slope of my nose, as if he’s trying to memorize me, when I’m reminded of something incredibly important.
“You wrote a poem about me.”
He smiles, dimples popping into existence. “I remember.”
“I’m so proud of you,” I say, pinching one of his cheeks. He grabs my hand and keeps it pressed against his face. “It was really good.”
Ace chuckles. “I guess that means I’m going to ace the English Regents after all.”
“I’m going to break up with you,” I say.
He shakes his head, kissing my nose. “No, you’re not.”
I smile. He knows me well. “No, I’m not.”
Ace leans forward and kisses me again. I laugh, foolishly happy.
He was right about me.
I am a lionheart.
54
T-PLUS 69 DAYS
“Karina, I think we’re good—”
“Just stay still,” I say, cutting Ace off and adjusting his tie. My boyfriend apparently can’t make a knot to save his life. “You keep fidgeting, and it’s messing me up.”
“It’s not a big deal, it’s just—”
“Alistair Clyde, if you say it, I’m going to gag you with this tie.”
Ace rolls his eyes, but there’s a hint of a grin in the corner of his mouth.
We have five minutes before Cora and Nandini come inside and bodily drag us out of his room for taking so long. Ace kindly offered his family’s estate for junior prom photos, trying to win points with my best friends, but he looks like he regrets it now. I don’t blame him.
Fixing Ace’s outfit is helping me calm down. I think he can tell, because aside from his minor protests, he doesn’t try to stop me.
He’s in a perfectly fitted navy blue suit with a lavender pocket square that matches my dress. His hair is combed back for once, and he looks so well put-together it’s hard to believe I ever thought he was some kind of delinquent.
I’m wearing a traditionally South Asian outfit, more beautiful than any prom dress could ever hope to be. It’s a floor length cream-colored anarkali suit with beautiful floral patterns in the navy blue of Ace’s suit. It swishes with every step I take and flows when I spin. My dupatta keeps falling off my shoulders, but Ace catches it before it slips every time.
It was hard to convince my parents to actually let me go to junior prom with Nandini and Cora, but they relented after Cora’s parents promised to pick us up and drop us off. I neglected to mention the brief visit to Ace’s house to pick up our dates, but that’s neither here nor there.
I still can’t believe we’re going together. I still can’t believe I somehow survived the last two months. It’s the second week of June and Regents are next week, but I have no doubt Ace is going to kill it. I have more faith in him than I have in almost anything else.
My fingers keep fluttering around Ace’s neck. I can’t help bouncing on my toes and making circles around him to ensure nothing is out of place.
Junior prom is something I thought I’d never have, so just being here in and of itself feels like a victory. But I’m also afraid someone is going to pull the rug out from underneath me any second.
Ace takes my hands in his, rooting me in place. “Hey. We don’t have to go if you don’t want to. I can go outside and tell Nandini and Cora to fuck off. I don’t mind being the bad guy.”
I smile at him, a fraction of my nerves easing. “You could never be the bad guy.”
He snorts and laces our fingers together. “I’m serious. If you want, we can stay in and watch Netflix.”
“No,” I say, shaking my head. I won’t admit defeat that easily. “I want to go. I’m just...nervous. I don’t know why. I can’t explain it.”
My anxiety has been better in the last few months as I’ve learned better coping mechanisms. I still rely on the countdown the most—I think I always will—but I’m growing and learning and doing better every day.
It’s just...this is junior prom. I’m here. I’m going.
And I’m nervous.
“Don’t be,” he says, squeezing my hands. “I won’t leave your side all night. No matter what happens, I’ll be here with you.”
My smile widens. I already knew that but it’s nice to hear it again. “I know. I guess we should go then, shouldn’t we?”
Ace lets go of my hands to wrap his arms around me. “Nah. They can wait one more minute.”
I laugh and slip my arms around his waist, leaning against his chest. “Just one. Otherwise Cora will come in here, guns blazing.”
“I don’t doubt that.”
I close my eyes and let myself have this impossible moment. He’s humming in my ear, a tune I recognize from the countless times he’s played it for me on piano.
There’s something so warm and comforting about being in Ace’s arms. A feeling more familiar than home.
He’s safe. He’s mine.
“Oh, enough!” someone shouts from outside. It’s the unmistakable voice of my dramatic best friend. “It doesn’t take that long to put on a corsage and boutonnière.”
I pull back hastily, eyes wide. “We didn’t even do that yet. She’s gonna kill us.”
Ace laughs and pulls out a small plastic box from his pocket. “Here.”
I offer him my hand, and he slips the navy blue rose corsage onto my wrist with gentle fingers.
When he’s finished, I pin the lavender-themed boutonnière to the lapels of his suit jacket, next to his pocket square.
“Perfect,” he says as Cora knocks furiously on his door again. He sighs. “She’s definitely gonna kill us.”
“At least we’ll die together?”
Ace shakes his head bu
t holds out his arm to me. There’s a crooked grin on his face that makes my knees weak. “Shall we?”
I place my hand on his elbow. “Onward.”
“And you say I’m strange,” he says, pressing a kiss to my set curls before walking us to the door.
“There you two losers are,” Nandini says in exasperation. She’s sitting with her date, Timothy Chen, on a chaise in the hallway.
Cora is pacing while her own date, Holly Harrison, watches fondly. Cora stops when she sees us. “Finally. Come on, let’s take our junior prom pictures! NCK first. Come here, Karina.”
I reluctantly let go of Ace and make my way to my best friends. “Ridiculous,” Cora mutters to Nandini. “She gets a boyfriend and becomes too uppity to take pictures with us.”
“Hey,” I say but Nandini is laughing as she wraps an arm around my shoulder.
“Leave her alone,” Nandini says, nudging Cora with her other arm.
Cora grumbles but there’s an unmistakable grin on her face. “I guess I can forgive you, but only if you let me take at least ten pictures.”
I sigh and nod. It’s all for show, because I’m beyond elated and grateful to be here with them. I wouldn’t trade this for the world. “If that’s the price I have to pay.”
She laughs and leans over to hug me. “I told you we’d all go to junior prom together.”
It feels like she said that a lifetime ago. Before I met Ace, before I told my parents the truth, before I made my future happen for myself. It was so long ago, and yet barely any time ago at all.
“You did,” I say, leaning my head against her shoulder. God, I’m so happy. “It’s no surprise you’re always right.”
Nandini snorts. “I don’t know about always.”
Cora flips her off before pulling away. “Come on! Pictures!”
I get looped into a half an hour of taking photographs on Ace’s lawn while Mia and her mother coo from the front porch. Ace FaceTimes his own mother for a few minutes amidst the chaos and I try not to blush too much when he shows me off, waving grandly in my direction.
“You’re too much,” I whisper, nudging him lightly.
Counting Down with You Page 35
