And it wasn’t simply solved by taking a birth-control pill or having any other protection. They weren’t perfect, and besides, even with that, a girl was giving up what Ava had called “the mystery of you.” Even if it was cool and defiant to be intimate with any boy or man a girl was with, at the end of the day, she made something special into something ordinary. In her rush to be her own woman, she might have given away the one thing that made her so.
I had spent many hours thinking about all of this and especially listening to other girls talk about it in school. Most thought I wasn’t paying any attention to them, that I didn’t care what they had to say, but I very much did. Where else would I learn about it? My older sister had a different agenda, a different goal and objective for sex, and although that was going to be mine as well, I was, after all, the daughter who asked too many questions, thought about too many things. Ava didn’t care one iota what other girls thought or felt about themselves and sex. She had made that clear to me many times. But I did. Was that another thing that made me different, dangerously different?
All of this raced through my mind as Buddy’s kisses became more passionate, his breathing hotter and faster, and my own heart began pounding. I heard his tender expressions of love, his promises and admiration for me. The sound of his voice and all that he was saying did embellish the excitement raging inside me. Yes, I wanted him to touch me, to turn up the heat inside me, to drive me to the point when I would demand more and more from him, causing him to have that sweet and passionate desperation that made him whimper with desire.
Sex, I discovered, could also fill you with agony, an agony that intensified until you surrendered to it. Although I wasn’t quite there, I could feel that he was. I could hear it in his now more desperate-sounding pleas for me to accept him, to be more compliant, more willing.
He began to undress me.
“You’re so beautiful,” he said. “So beautiful you bring tears of joy into my eyes.”
When he began to undress himself, Ava’s furious warnings began to echo in my head: You’ll be of no use to Daddy. He’ll hate you. You won’t be part of our family anymore.
I couldn’t help but think of Daddy’s loving caresses, his soft kisses. Buddy thought my moans were moans of pleasure, but they were moans of fear and sorrow. And then, just as he was lowering his head to kiss my stomach and move down even lower, I looked past him and thought I saw Mrs. Fennel’s face in the living-room window. She was glaring at me with those fiery eyes. I screamed and pushed him away.
“What’s wrong?” he asked as I rushed to dress.
“I can’t do this, not now.”
He looked devastated. “I didn’t mean… I couldn’t help myself, but I really love you, Lorelei. Thoughts of you have taken over my brain. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I hear other people talking, but I don’t hear their words or make any sense of them, or anything for that matter. It’s as if you’ve possessed me, only I’m not complaining. I love that I’m possessed by you.”
“It’s all happening a little too fast,” I said. “Don’t be angry.”
“Oh, I can’t ever be angry at you.”
“Don’t say that so fast, either,” I told him. I continued to dress.
“Are you upset with me? I just thought… I mean, since you agreed to meet here, that…”
“No, it’s not your fault. I guess I’m just too nervous about what’s happened. I did want to be with you, Buddy. I do. Maybe I’ll be able to meet you again tomorrow,” I offered. “We’ll see.”
“Isn’t there any way that I can get your father to feel better about your being with me, so I can take you out on a real date?”
“Maybe later. Let me think about it,” I said, hoping that would satisfy him.
He looked at his watch. “You still have a little time, don’t you? Let’s just talk, then. Tell me more about yourself. What happened to your real mother?”
“Cancer,” I said. How convenient and all-encompassing that word could be.
“Oh, sure. Well, what about your current father? Where’s his wife? How was he able to adopt you if he didn’t have a wife?” he asked.
“His sister lives with us,” I said. “She’s been… she’s been our mother.”
“That’s weird. Your father never married?”
“Yes, he did. His wife died.”
“Oh. And so he didn’t give you back afterward, since his sister was there?”
“Something like that,” I said.
“Something like that? Funny way to put it.”
“It’s not something I question, Buddy. Imagine asking ‘Why did you keep me?’”
“Yeah, I see your point. You said you have a younger sister. So he legally adopted her, too?”
“Yes.”
“So, Ava is the daughter your father had with his wife before she died?”
“Yes.”
I looked at my watch. “I had better go. If I’m not home when Ava returns with my younger sister…”
“Okay,” he said, rising. “Should I call you tonight?”
“I’ll call you,” I said. “It’s very important that Ava not know about us, Buddy.”
“You do make her sound dangerous. What is she, some kind of psychotic?”
“She’s… a very jealous person. She can be very mean, yes, and she would do something to get me into big trouble.”
He nodded and walked me out. We stood by my car for a moment. He just looked at me.
“What?” I asked.
“You’re so full of mystery and contradictions. I’m frustrated, but I’m also even more attracted to you.” He pretended to look around. “You sure we’re not on some kind of reality show here?”
“Hardly,” I said, laughing. He was so cute, his passion for me so obvious. I leaned in and kissed him. He kept his eyes closed after I pulled back.
“I want to savor every kiss,” he said. “Pack it tightly into my memory so I’ll be able to relive it while I’m away from you. Suffering, I might add.”
I got into my car.
“You’ll call me later? You promise?”
“Let’s not turn everything into a promise,” I said. “Too much opportunity for disappointment.”
“Hey… that’s deep. You are a woman of mystery. Okay, I’ll keep my cell phone in the pocket next to my heart.”
I smiled, started the car, and backed out of the driveway. He stood watching me. I waved and drove off. In my rearview mirror, I could see him still watching me, like someone who wanted to memorize every moment.
I knew that I did.
15
Outsider
Because of a sudden rainstorm and heavy traffic caused by an accident, I reached home only fifteen minutes before Ava and Marla arrived. I was anxious the entire way and even more so when I got home. I hurried into the house, afraid they were right behind me. To keep myself occupied and contain my nervousness, I changed clothes, set the table for dinner, and checked on the food Mrs. Fennel had prepared. When I heard Ava and Marla enter laughing, I stepped out of the dining room.
“What’s so funny?” I asked.
“You,” Marla said. “Getting suspended. Little Miss Perfect with the perfect grades and perfect social graces. Wait until Daddy hears about it, how you messed up and brought unnecessary attention to us.”
“You don’t have to be so gleeful about my misfortune, Marla,” I said.
“You would be if it happened to me,” she countered, her face as full of venom as Ava’s could be.
I looked at Ava, who stared at me as if she was waiting for my reaction. “I don’t think so,” she said when I didn’t respond. “I don’t think Lorelei would be as gleeful.” The way she said it made it sound like a terrible fault.
“Well, I do,” Marla insisted, and marched off to her room. Ava remained.
“Everything’s ready for our dinner,” I said, hating the moment of silence between us. “What time do you want to eat?”
“The same time as always,
Lorelei. Why should tonight be any different?”
“I just thought you might have had something to do.”
“I do. Watch over you two,” she said, “like some babysitter.”
“You don’t have to worry about me.”
I started back to the kitchen, but she followed me.
“Of course I have to worry about you. Guess what?” she said. “I went looking for Buddy Gilroy after you called me and couldn’t find him. He cut his classes, apparently, all of his afternoon classes. Don’t you think that’s odd?”
“Maybe you scared him off and he withdrew from college,” I said, unloading some dishes from the dishwasher.
“You sure it wasn’t Buddy who called you at school today?” she asked.
“I’m sure.” I spun on her. “Stop talking about him, Ava. I know it hurts your ego that he didn’t fawn over you, but you’ve got to get over it.”
“What? Me get over it? Please. He’s a boy. I’ve been with men. I was obviously too much for him,” she said, but my sharp comeback was enough to get her to walk away without another word about Buddy.
I remained in the kitchen to pretend to do something more for dinner. My whole body was shaking, and I didn’t want her to see.
Later, at dinner, Marla insisted that I give her a blow-by-blow account of what had happened to me in school. I tried to sound bitter about it, even though I had deliberately arranged to get caught, but I was afraid that Ava saw I was overdoing it, so I stopped explaining and blaming the other girls.
“Why keep talking about it? None of this school stuff really matters to us, anyway,” she said. “We go through the motions to please Daddy. And Mrs. Fennel, of course. Can’t say as I’ve always pleased her,” she added with a laugh, which raised my eyebrows.
“What did you do to make her unhappy?” I asked, seeing an opening into one of the darker hallways in our lives. It wasn’t only Mrs. Fennel and Daddy who kept the keys to our vault of secrets. Each of us inherited some of that, Ava the most right now, since she was the oldest.
She laughed. “I guess it’s all right to tell you now. Once I brought a boy home to play a video game with me.”
“You did?” Marla exclaimed before I could.
“You don’t remember that, do you, Lorelei?”
“No.”
“I was only in the sixth grade, but I invited this boy, and his mother brought him over. Actually, in the back of my mind, I thought I was doing a good thing.”
“How would that be a good thing?” I asked. I was interested to see if anything had been different for her when she was growing up with Daddy and Mrs. Fennel.
“Helping Brianna find someone new. He was big for his age and very strong. Boys in seventh, eighth, and even ninth grade were afraid of him. I didn’t know our rules about whom to choose and not to choose for Daddy back then. I thought I’d bring him around for Brianna’s consideration. Boy, was Mrs. Fennel angry. Neither of you have ever seen her that angry, and I hope for your sakes you never do.”
“What did she do when the boy was brought over?” Marla asked.
“She let him stay, of course, but as soon as his mother came for him, she pounced on me. Daddy was away at the time. I thought she was literally going to kill me and bury me in the backyard or something. I went to sleep shivering that night.”
“What happened when Daddy found out?” I asked.
“He was angry, too, but nothing like she was. He came to my room the next morning and woke me to tell me more than I knew about our lives up to then, so I wouldn’t make the same error again. I cried, and he held me and told me it was all right. When Daddy forgives you, you feel forgiven,” she said. “I wasn’t as terrified of Mrs. Fennel the next day, but I swear, she glared at me with fire in her eyes for at least a week afterward. It was like two hot coals cooling down. I complained, but Daddy told me not to be upset with her. He said she was only being very protective and had gone through her own difficulties.”
“Is that when Daddy told you what happened to her husband?” Marla asked.
I looked at her resentfully. Why was Ava growing closer to her, telling her things at her age that she had never told me?
“Not exactly then but not long afterward,” Ava said. She was quiet for such a long moment I thought that was it, but then she said, “She had made the nearly fatal mistake of falling in love with someone.” She turned to me quickly. “That’s why she has the thoughts she has about love.”
“Why was it nearly fatal?” I asked, holding my breath. Would she tell us more?
“She told him too much about us and herself and put not only herself in danger but Daddy, too, and the others, of course.”
“I can’t believe Mrs. Fennel would have done that,” I said.
“Love,” Ava said out of the corner of her mouth. “Just because she’s very old doesn’t mean she can’t keep learning things, too, you know.”
“So, what happened then?” Marla asked.
Ava smirked. “Try to guess.”
“I can’t guess,” Marla whined.
“She brought him to Daddy,” she said, again looking at me. “It broke her heart forever, but it was the right thing to do. As a reward for her sacrifice, Daddy let her keep his name. This happened a very long time ago, but she still smarts over it, and that’s why she hates being questioned about herself and why she says love can be poison for us.”
Mrs. Fennel, I thought, amazed. I’d never in a million years have guessed she was someone with a broken heart. Was Ava telling me these things deliberately now? Did she know about me and Buddy? Was it meant to be a lesson I should never forget?
“Well, I’m never going to fall in love,” Marla said. “Just the idea of being with only one man forever makes me sick to my stomach.”
Ava laughed and put her arm around her to embrace her and kiss her. “Our lovely, perfect little sister,” she said. “Don’t you agree, Lorelei?”
“Yes,” I said. “She surprises me more and more every minute of every passing day.” Although I didn’t like being this way, I know I sounded bitter and sarcastic.
“Remember what Daddy told us,” Marla said, wagging her head. “Surprises can be wonderful. It makes every day seem like the first day of your life.”
“None of us quotes Daddy better or more accurately than you do, Marla,” Ava said.
Why was she heaping compliments on our younger sister? She should be heaping them on me. I was the next in line, not Marla.
“So, what are you going to tell Daddy when he finds out you were suspended from school?” Marla asked me.
I looked at both of them, at the way they were both waiting for my response. It was as if they were testing me. It made me angry to see them ganging up on me, but I knew that losing my temper was just what Marla would enjoy seeing.
I shrugged as nonchalantly as I could. “I’m certainly not going to lie about it. I’ll tell him the truth.”
“What is the truth?” Ava asked.
“What do you mean, what is the truth? I told you exactly what happened. It was an accident. I answered the phone before I thought about it, but if those girls weren’t so hateful—”
“Why was your phone on, anyway?” Ava pursued, leaning toward me and bearing down on me like a prosecutor in a courtroom. “Daddy and I know never to call you during school hours. Why would you think it was either of us?”
“I just told you. I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t realize it was on. I don’t do everything as perfectly as you do, Ava.”
She sat back, lapping up my backhanded compliment. “You’d better be as perfect as I am,” she warned. “We have a great many wonderful things, and we’ll each have more. But there are many tests ahead of you to pass, Lorelei. Failure is not an option for us, either. You had better think more than twice about everything you do from now on. If Daddy forgives you, that is,” she added, and shifted her eyes toward Marla.
I felt Marla’s eyes stinging me. Ava had been right about her. There were differen
ces in her, mature changes happening almost right before our eyes. It was not hard to imagine her breathing down my neck as Ava had predicted. My changes didn’t occur as rapidly. I didn’t think they had for Ava, either, and of course, I couldn’t recall anything about Brianna’s maturing, but I had never heard any stories about her to illustrate these sorts of quick changes. Maybe of all four of us, Marla was the special one, after all.
As I looked from Ava to Marla and back to Ava and saw the steely cold in their eyes, I thought this was more than the simple sibling rivalry Daddy had described. It was one thing to be competitive with your siblings, to seek to gain your parents’ approval faster than your brothers or sisters and maybe even become their favorite, despite their insistence that they didn’t favor one of their children over the others. But it was quite another thing to be absolutely ruthless about it, to wish actual harm on your brothers or sisters. Although my experience with other girls and boys as I had gone through school was very limited, I had learned and sensed enough to know that what was happening here among me and Marla and Ava was unusual, despite the lessons taught from the biblical tale of Cain and Abel. At least, I hoped it was; otherwise, what was the value of family? Where were the love, affection, and concern? Didn’t we owe any loyalty to one another as well as to Daddy? Was the fable of Cain and Abel the truth? Were we Cain’s descendants and not Abel’s? Was this to be forever our truth?
Ava decided that since I was the screw-up that day, I would have to clean up after dinner while she and Marla went off to watch television and chat. When it was time to take out the garbage, I took my cell phone with me so I could call Buddy as I had promised him. The rain had stopped, but it was misty and cool. Even though both Marla and Ava were in the living room, I had the eerie feeling that I was being watched. I hovered near the door and made the call.
“Did you get into a lot of trouble at home?” Buddy immediately asked.
How easy it would have been for me to say yes and that I had been ordered to stay home until my suspension from school was over. But all I could think about when I heard his voice again were his soft eyes, his tantalizing kiss, and the way my body reacted to his touch. It was as if his fingers on my breast could literally touch my heart. Even though we didn’t go that far, I could feel him inside me. Now, every quiet moment I had since I had been with him was filled with him. I heard his loving words and smiled at the vision of his smile. Everything I had read and seen on television and in movies about love reinforced what I was feeling. Surely, this was different from anything my sisters had experienced. Even Ava, if she felt the way I felt now about Buddy or any boy, might question having to forget him.
Daughter of Darkness Page 22
