by Megan Boyle
7:36am: I am turning around. I am not ready for the grocery store yet. It is wise that I know this. I don’t want to waste my time. Oh my god. Laughing silently at me, retreating home, this needs to stop, almost out of gas.
7:39am: realized I’ve been taking this ‘time is valuable and I am wasting it’ thing too seriously, which seems related to why I yearn for long stretches of zero obligations. This is not new information. Nothing I do means anything, like in the spectrum of things…all possible outcomes are ultimately death. Nothing is permanent. For me to want to stay alive I have to forget that, otherwise I won’t feel motivated to do things. That always feels like lying, a little. Think I just want to be a kid forever, that’s what I really want. Doesn’t make sense to do all this other shit. Would like to be a ‘kept woman.’ I forget what that means. I think it’s what I want.
7:47am: turned left onto street of childhood house. Interesting timing. In someone’s yard, a small white dog running to the end of a leash tied to a pole. Walking towards bus stop, a girl who seems cooler and prettier and somehow older than I was when I was however old she is, touching her long straight blonde hair. Thought I’d be feeling something poignant related to childhood by now.
7:57am: would be funny to buy a cop car and just like, drive it.
8:20am: pulled next to the only free pump at BP. Squeezed/shimmied to exit car, due to parking too close to hard-to-describe fixture I see a lot at gas stations. Felt certain I’d locked keys in car. Pictured impending future where I’d need to call a locksmith, with my phone locked in the car. Across the street is the Jiffy Lube where a few weeks ago I got my oil changed before driving to New York to hang out with ex-boyfriend—cat-sitting for Adam and Lauren—and maybe look for apartments. Feels like I’ve had multiple birthdays since then. Three men in one-piece Jiffy Lube uniforms are smoking cigarettes by the garage. Looks like an Edward Hopper painting. Wish I was one of them.
8:28am: I have been smoking the shit out of this pack of cigarettes. Five remain from pack I opened earlier tonight.
8:31am: I don’t know why I always dread pulling into a driveway or seeing my apartment building when walking or any of the other ways I’ve arrived home. Always feel better when I’m on the way to somewhere.
8:36am: made fun of myself in a mean-spirited way while watching fingers type ‘8:36am.’
8:38am: ‘in case you are just tuning in,’ here is what happened: around 2AM I started enjoying writing to generate content for a liveblog designed to stop me from getting in my own way. I guess at least I feel like I’ve been doing something, which is better than how I usually feel.
9:02AM: walked inside. retrieved green juice from fridge and drank more liquid antacid. ate 20mg adderall and scanned for small edits. feels okay to be doing this, like i’m preparing for something.
9:47AM: heard dad move around and coffee start dripping. want another cigarette. want to just turn this in as my ‘everything i owe to everyone.’ just remembered title of everclear song incorrectly as ‘everything to everyone.’ no wait, that’s right i think. maybe it is time to try the grocery store again. feel like if it were sunny outside and i was waking to my cats walking on my stomach on a mattress near the smell of a person i like, things would be different. think that’s all i want. i don’t even want sex that much, i just want to always be near the smell of someone i like, whose presence is like equal parts ‘hallucinogen’ and ‘antidepressant’ and ‘anxiolytic,’ like i can just look at them and think ‘great, now they’re here, time for me to sit back and listen to all the surprises.’ that sounds lazy maybe. i want them to want a person like that too so i can be like that for them too. doesn’t seem real or possible. think i’m always on the verge of experiencing one of two extremes about other people. have experienced these rare insane manic connections, like ‘beyond my wildest dreams’-style connections, which i’ve probably only felt so intensely because i’ve wanted to feel that way (often remember things and think ‘you were just ignoring something so you could feel something else’). on a chart about how i feel most of the time most of my dots would be in the middle-to-‘opposite of intensely connected to people’ spectrum. when the opposite thing feels extreme it also seems attributable to disappointments about close relationships, but think it for real only involves other people to the extent that my ideas about their intentions are caused by this arcane primal fear that always seems to be experiencing itself over and over from some hidden location in me, syncing infrequently with my awareness, more often surfacing as a vague and nearly-constant desire to apologize for something i’ve done, will probably do, or have already and unstoppably been doing ‘this whole time,’ just by being alive. but neither of those feelings, even the extreme connection thing, have anything to do with other people, i don’t think. they are both supposed to be feelings about other people but they are both about me. think it’s impossible for me to be close with someone in the way i think i want to be, or that most people are, or that i’ve thought i’ve been or something. the ‘sit back and listen to all the surprises’ thing seems more hopeful than the ‘maintaining extreme closeness over time’ thing, for me. like, if there’s going to be anything. actually it might be the same thing. i don’t know. like ‘even when i’m so connected i’m always so alone and so tortured by a fear which cannot be expressed clearly’ or whatever it is i’m saying with this bullshit—like, what is the point? would it logically follow that the the point of ‘feeling connected’ to someone would be to just continue feeling so similar that you eventually sort of become them, but then you’d just be the same thing, which is the same thing as being alone? MAN FUCK THIS SHIT MAN LISTEN TO THIS BITCH OVER HERE, ACTIN ALL LIKE IT’S 9:47AM BUT IT’S 1:51PM AND SHE TWERKIN ON ADDERALL AND NO SLEEP TRYNA MAKE A FUCKIN SHIT ASS SENTENCE MAKE SENSE THAT DON’T EVEN MATTER LIKE WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN NOW BITCH, NICE SENTENCE, WHERE THAT $1,000,000,000,000 CHECK? WHERE THAT PENTHOUSE AT? AIN’T YOU SUPPOSED TO WIN THE GRAMMYS OR SOME SHIT NOW YOU BITCH ASS WRITIN THIS GODDAMNED SENTENCE FOR TWO HOURS? HM? SMELL YOUR GODDAMN ARMPIT. THAT’S RIGHT. SMELL ON THAT A MINUTE. MMHMM. THAT’S RIGHT. THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT. YEAH I THINK IT’S TIME TO GO TO THAT GROCERY STORE. I THINK IT’S TIME TO GO TO THAT FUCKIN GROCERY STORE FUCKIN SEVEN HOURS AGO WHEN YOU WAS ALL ‘TEEHEE GOING TO GET A STAPLER AND A FOLDER NOW BECAUSE THOSE ARE THINGS THAT I WANT AND NEED OH BOY LOOK AT ME GO!’ YOU BETTER HOPE I DON’T LOOK IN A MIRROR SOON BECAUSE BITCH, IF I SEE YOU LOOKIN BACK AT ME, YOU AND ME IS BOTH IN PIECES. P-I-E-C-E-S. I THINK YOU KNOW I AIN’T TALKING REESES BUT NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT, FUCK YOU YOU STUPID SKINNY ASS HO, GETTIN ALL PROUD WHEN YOU BE STARVIN YOUR SKINNY ASS SAYIN ‘IT’S HEALTHY’ OR SOME SHIT. I WANNA STRAIGHT UP X-RAY THE SHIT OUT YOUR HEALTHY ASS ROTTEN ASS DIGESTIVE TRACK, SHOW A BITCH WHAT HEALTHY IS. GET Y’ALL FUCKED UP STOMACH AND ‘TESTINES UP HERE ON THE COUCH WITH ME SO YOU CAN SEE FOR YOURSELF ALL THEM HOLES YOU BE MAKIN THAT GOT YOU SIPPIN ON THAT ANTACID! BITCH—NOW I KNOW YOUR ASS GOT NO PLACE TO GO BUT THE FLOOR AND NOT CAUSE YOU AT THE CLUB—AND YEAH, SOMETHIN BOUT YOUR LEGS UH, THEY JUST NASTY, UH, I DON’T KNOW, SHIT DON’T LOOK HUMAN TO ME PERSONALLY—BUT GET THAT SHIT TOGETHER! THAT SHIT’S THE ONLY SHIT YOU GOT! YOU STUCK IN THIS SHIT! OH YOU WHININ WITH SOME LONG SENTENCES BOUT HOW YOU SO LONELY OH YOU SO SAD AND ALONE I SEE UH WELL UH, UH, SEE HERE M’AM, YOU ARE USING DRUGS TO THE EXTENT, UH, M’AM, ALSO WITH THIS UH, YOU SEE, THIS UH, M’AM YOU EAT THIS FOOD AND THEN YOU VOMIT, THEN UH, THE LAXATIVES, YOU SEE? M’AM, AND THE CIGARETTES? UH, M’AM, AND FOR HOW MANY YEARS? YOU SEE WHERE I’M GOING WITH THIS M’AM? M’AM? OKAY GREAT GLAD YOU SEE, GLAD YOU SEE, OKAY. GREAT. GREAT, WELL THIS IS GREAT BECAUSE ALL OF THIS HAS BEEN IN AN EFFORT TO TELL YOU THAT IT WAS ALL A MISUNDERSTANDING. WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR THIS DAY. IF YOU LOOK OUT THE WINDOW YOU WILL SEE THE CAR WE HAVE PREPARED. REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE? THIS JOB? YOU TOOK THIS JOB, REMEMBER? YOU ARE A PROFESSIONAL FAMOUS ACTOR? YEAH MAN. HELL YEAH MAN! FIVE YEARS MAN, WELCOME BACK! YOU JUST GOT SO DEEP INTO THIS ROLE. METHOD ACTING. YEAH. YOU GOT SO DEEP INTO METHOD AC
TING ‘THE TERRIBLE TRAGEDY OF MEGAN BOYLE’ THAT YOU FORGOT YOUR OWN IDENTITY. RELENTLESS, MAN. YOU. ARE. RELENTLESS. YOU EVEN CONVINCED YOURSELF YOU OVERDOSED AND KILLED YOURSELF IN SOME APARTMENT IN MANHATTAN—TO IDENTIFY WITH HER, WE THINK. WE THINK THAT’S WHY YOU DID THAT. YEAH, IT’S BEEN YEARS SINCE YOU’VE TALKED TO ANYONE. YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE IN A ‘BATMAN’ MOVIE. NO, NO, THAT OTHER GUY ISN’T REAL, WE DON’T KNOW WHY YOU DID THAT, SOME PEOPLE ARE SAYING YOU MADE UP THIS OTHER VERSION OF YOURSELF—THIS ALTERNATE MEDIA REALITY OR SOMETHING—IT’S COMPLICATED, I DON’T FULLY UNDERSTAND THIS—YOU CONVINCED YOURSELF YOU WERE THE ‘YOU’ YOU THOUGHT YOUR CHARACTER WANTED TO SEE. RELENTLESS. AND I MEAN, SAD STORY AND ALL BUT SHE REALLY DIDN’T SEE THINGS TOO UH, HOW DO YOU SAY, ‘CLEARLY,’ HAHA, AM I RIGHT? YOU JUST NEEDED TO UNDERSTAND. YEAH MAN. THERE’S A LINE IN THE MOVIE, SHE SAYS SOMETHING LIKE ‘WHY ARE YOU SO SERIOUS?’ YOU REALLY TOOK OFF WITH THAT. YOU DIDN’T GET WHY SHE SAID THAT, YOU KNOW, WITH HER BEING SO SERIOUS ALL THE TIME. SO THEN YOU MADE UP THIS THING ABOUT HOW THERE WAS A NEW ‘BATMAN’ MOVIE AND HER REAL MOTIVATION IN THE SCENE WAS ALL ABOUT HOW SHE THOUGHT SHE SOUNDED LIKE AN IDIOT MISQUOTING THE JOKER, PLAYED BY YOU, WHO WAS ALSO HER, IN HER MIND, AND NONE OF YOU WERE ACTING ANYTHING LIKE JACK NICHOLSON. MAN IT’S SOME CRAZY SHIT. YOU GOTTA SEE THE TAPES. FUCKING 2008 MAN, IT’S BEEN A LONG ASS TIME! GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK!
10:32AM: heard dad’s slippers approaching on carpet. he asked if i wanted coffee. i said ‘not right now, thank you though.’ he said something about it being very fresh as the sound of his slippers reversed direction. mom also asks if i want coffee whenever she makes it. i’ve responded with ‘i’ll get it if i want it’ in varying tones of annoyance, sometimes leading to a heightened argument about ‘being considerate.’ a few months ago i decided it’s better for everyone if i just say ‘not right now, thank you’ or ‘smells good, thank you, maybe later.’ for some reason i never want it when they ask me, but sometimes less than a minute later i’ll get it myself, stepping as softly as i can, trying to be unnoticeable as i pour a cup of ‘my little secret’ which i carry back to my room, where i feel about six years old. this happens every time. i don’t know how to stop it unless people stop asking me if i want coffee but no one is ever going to stop.
10:51AM: walked softly to kitchen. drank liquid antacid. mimed pouring capped antacid container into coffee mug and said ‘do you think it’d be good if i used it, you know, used it like this, for coffee’ to dad, nowhere to be seen. started to say more and was stopped by a rustling noise. dad emerged from a hidden corner-area, holding a newspaper. he said ‘what now?’ i said ‘oh like, used this for cream? it’d be a creamer substitute, this stuff, you know.’ dad looked confused. i said ‘i don’t even like cream, so. this would be especially bad,’ gesturing to the antacid. he didn’t move for a moment, then seemed to ‘get it’ and made a joke. a little later he asked for my permission to show me an article about how irish people behave in the morning. he said ‘your ancestors, you know. irish heritage. it’s here if you want it.’ withheld urge to remind him he doesn’t need to ask my permission. knew i wouldn’t read article, felt guilty/sad. i said ‘maybe later, i’m on a roll now, doing things.’ he asked what things. i told him i’d been writing in this liveblog for most of the night and now i wanted to ‘knuckle down’ and do other things. felt really guilty. it was hard to walk back to my room. we kept saying things. i said ‘but i think first i need to rest, you know, rest before i knuckle down.’ dad said ‘of course.’ felt really, really guilty.
11:07AM: peed and thought things like ‘did i respond to colin’s texts’ in the same neutrally focused ‘tone’ of the pee, which stopped when the pee stopped.
11:12AM: can’t find liquid antacid. keep wretching and swallowing prevomit stomach acid. last food eaten was raspberry cookies, over 24 hours ago.
3:19PM: want to be talking in insane unprecedented 9:47AM update voice all the time. funny to read 11:12AM update after writing insane update.
4:29PM: sitting on bed. liveblog seems unhealthy. afraid to re-read things that aren’t the all-caps thing. all-caps thing seems like the only ‘good thing’ about this, maybe, right now, to me. i don’t know.
REMINDER OF MY GOAL: TO LIVEBLOG DAILY ACTIVITIES WITHOUT PRIVACY AS A FORM OF NEGATIVE REINFORCEMENT, TO ‘ACT BETTER’
don’t really know what i meant by ‘act better.’ ‘get things done?’ i don’t know. i don’t know. it is raining. i am going to the grocery store. WHEN I GO TO THE GROCERY STORE I WILL WALK IN THE DOOR AND BUY THE THINGS I SAID I WOULD BUY, THEN I WILL LEAVE. MY DEAR CHILD, WHAT EVER STOPPED YOU FROM DOING SUCH PRACTICAL THINGS? seems so pointless…this entire thing…entire…jesus…laughing…wish someone would call me on the phone…kind of…
4:45PM: looked at phone, which has five missed calls, one voicemail, two texts. ‘rimshot.’
5:35PM: heard shower water stop running, then shower head made a hilarious long noise that i could probably imitate if you called me. email me for my phone number. would hang up immediately after making the noise. serious inquiries only. hope some compassionate person from the year 6013 finds and reads all of this and comes back in time to kill me relatively painlessly when i leave the house in a few minutes. wrote this paragraph to prove ‘you can still sound a certain way if you try, you don’t feel as bad as you thought’ to myself. making the shower noise at people on the phone then hanging up would also improve mood
if you’re going to do it, when i pick up the phone say ‘shower’ so i won’t make the noise to colin or someone else who’s supposed to call me about the apartment
no one is going to do this
just made the noise really quietly, i’m laughing, i’m practicing it for you shitheads, come at me
doing it again
did not laugh at all that time
6:19PM: someone called. this is what was said:
me: hello?
person: hi megan, i was wondering if you could do the shower noise at me?
me: oh man i think i kind of forget. i’m going to hang up right after.
person: ok
me: [makes noise, hangs up]
i’m still shaking from laughing from getting to do this. thank you, whoever called.
6:23PM: phone rang as i was typing previous update. i got really excited. it was dad. unknown number from portland oregon called and i said ‘hello’ in a playful way, extending ‘lo.’ docile confused older woman’s voice asked about my health insurance. seems like someone is giving my phone number to telemarketers and saying i was born 3/29/72. COME AT ME BRO I LIKE PHONE CALLS I’LL CORRECT TELEMARKETERS ON THE PHONE ALL DAY LONG WATCH ME.
6:29PM: responded to texts from mira and masha. stored masha’s number in my phone. person who called me asking for shower noise texted ‘how many people have called for the noise.’ i replied ‘just you.’ wanted to keep going like, ‘just you, just you baby, it’s always been you, only you, this entire time, you know it’s true’ but have them read it and it sounds like elvis.
6:49PM: something just happened. mom showed me this thing. apparently dad had ordered her this thing, it just showed up in the mail. she asked me to guess what it was. then it seemed like she wasn’t going to wait for me to guess. wanted badly to guess. could tell guessing what this thing was would be the highlight of my day. mom kept squeezing its handle at me and this little rubber mouth would move. it was a sphincter-like movement. then this happened:
mom: [comes at me with thing, pressing handle, cackling]
me: no get the jebadoh away
mom: what?
me: i said jebadoh, but i meant ‘jedi’
mom: oh my god
[somehow deduced this thing is used for something pertaining to the toilet, goddamnit now i forget, was laughing in a manner like i was gasping for air this whole time, i asked ‘if you don’t wash your hands before you use it, will people stop being your friend’ and mom said ‘yes’ and i laughed more, somehow deduced this thing is designed to grasp toilet paper and aid i
n ass wiping, it’s an ass wiper, couldn’t stop laughing]
mom: your dad saw it in one of those tacky catalogs he likes, you know, like ‘robin wright…’
me: are you going to say ‘robin wright penn’
mom: well or you know, it’s something like that, ‘wright’
me: sean penn’s wife, robin wright penn
mom: there’s a catalog called ‘robin wright’
me: asswipes, robin wright penn [can’t stop laughing]
mom: it’s ‘walter drake’
me: walter drake, harriet carter [can’t stop laughing]
i know the feeling of reading about how someone laughed. i hate that feeling but too bad. going to read this over and over again all by myself and laugh forever and ever.
8:52pm: stood in kitchen leaning on counter, looking at phone. Mom said ‘what are you doing? Are you just standing quietly?’
8:55pm: asked mom what the movie she wanted to watch at 9pm was called. She didn’t remember. Said ‘I bet you’ll remember when I get back’ in a strange voice as I descended stairs. Locked door. Those would be really good last words. ‘I bet you’ll remember when I get back.’ Actually might be better for murdering, in murder situations, murder-specific.
8:56pm: trying to see through rainy windshield. Driving to dad’s to procure Adderall. Squinted and felt like Wayne knight when his Jeep breaks down in ‘Jurassic Park.’ Mistaking a lot of things for other things. I know people like to shittalk how people say ‘feel like’ and ‘seems like.’ That’s all. Just, know that I know that. I know you do that. I’m watching you.
9:08pm: haven’t slept in so long. Feel like I’m dying. Pictured annoying Zen figure hitting my head with a stick and saying ‘you are.’
