by Megan Boyle
‘Gollum: They cursed us. Murderer they called us. They cursed us, and drove us away. And we wept, Precious, we wept to be so alone. And we only wish to catch fish so juicy sweet. And we forgot the taste of bread…the sound of trees…the softness of the wind. We even forgot our own name. My Precious.’
my liveblog is my precious, kind of.
3:01PM: on twitter, saw mira’s and tao’s MOMA reading, which i had loose plans to attend, started at 3PM. pictured muted trumpet going ‘wah wah wahhhhh’ and tomatoes pelted at a shrugging me.
3:03PM: now would be a good time for things to start happening that launch my life into a ‘pineapple express’-like coming-of-age buddy comedy where i have huge ragers at both dad’s AND mom’s apartments tonight (a.k.a. the last night i have two hot single-lady pads all to myself, a.k.a. the last night before my parents come home, a.k.a. ‘THE LAST NIGHT:’ DIRECTED BY JUDD APATOW).
the black & mild royal farms employee would be the only person who’d show up to the ragers. she would rage at dad’s apartment and i’d rage at mom’s. it’d be a summer hit, we’d come of age together. she’d call me and would be like ‘hey, you come of age yet?’ and i’d be like ‘come of what?’ and she’d be like ‘right?’ we would cover our phone-free ears to better hear over the noise of the ragers. it would be quiet though, in our rooms.
there would be some kind of high stakes mistaken identity caper, for mass appeal. i would end up at her rager, pretending to be her to ‘party guests’ that haven’t arrived yet, while on the phone with her. then i’d hear the door unlock and open and i’d hide and narrowly escape. she would’ve been pretending to be me, at my rager.
4:20pm: I can just call Judd apatow on the phone, right? He has a phone?
4:22pm: something I have found shocking:
In the month I’ve been doing this, no one has called me out on how self-absorbed/obsessed I am, how I’m not intelligent or cultured, how I’m not contributing anything to society, how it’s weird that my lifestyle is to rarely sleep and talk almost exclusively to my parents, who I also live with, how irresponsible I am about my physical and mental health and how drugs are bad and I’m addicted, how I contradict myself (can’t think of examples but I’m sure I do it), how my ‘voice’ is just the combination of like five clearer stronger ‘voices’ I like
I don’t know whether to say ‘thank you’ or
People just like it when I’m funny or insightful
No one really cares
Imagine a gang leader in a maximum security prison saying any of this
Take a moment, really imagine who that person leading that gang would be
Imagine that dead guy.
4:38pm: now it’s sunny. I was here yesterday but it was waining.
4:43pm: motivation has plateaued because I tried to motivate myself to do all those things I thought would motivate me and look at where it’s gotten me.
4:46pm: here, I’ll do it for you: MEGAN YOU ARE NOT HAPPY LIVING THIS WAY YOU USED TO FEEL BETTER YOU ARE NOT MAKING THIS UP OR ROMANTICIZING THE PAST YOU IDIOT YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE ALIVE MUCH LONGER IF YOU CONTINUE ON LIKE THIS SO FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT ALREADY DO YOU WANT TO BE ALIVE OR NOT THERE MUST BE THINGS FOR YOU OUT THERE REMEMBER YOU USED TO BUY RECORDS AND BIKE AND DRAW AND READ AND THERE WERE PARTIES AND LONG UNINHIBITED TALKS AND INSIDE JOKES AND COWORKERS AND THEN YOU MADE THE MISTAKE OF WRITING ON THE INTERNET AND USING DRUGS REGULARLY AND SOMETIMES IN EXCESS SO NOW YOUR BRAIN IS MAYBE REWIRED TO EXPECT SIGNIFICANT REWARDS OR PUNISHMENTS AND NOT MUCH IN BETWEEN BECAUSE YOUR BRAIN PROBABLY NATURALLY PRODUCES LESS SERATONIN AND DOPAMINE PLUS YOU ARE OLDER AND VIEWING YOUR EARLY TWENTIES FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF THEM BEING OVER YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE AND YOU MISSED IT AND ALL THOSE ROAD TRIPS AND VISITS TO FRIENDS IN OTHER CITIES NOW SEEM GRANTED TO YOU IN SOME SICK ACT OF MERCY BY THE UNIVERSE: A COMPLICATED, SYMPATHETIC, REGRETFUL NAZI, WHO ALWAYS LIKED YOU: THE SPIRITED LITTLE BOY WHO ASKED QUESTIONS AND MADE JOKES, WHO THE NAZI HAS BEEN ORDERED TO KILL TOMORROW MORNING AND HE DOESN’T WANT TO BUT HE’LL GET KILLED IF HE DOESN’T, HE ALREADY KILLED YOUR PARENTS BUT YOU DON’T KNOW THAT, YOU’VE ACTUALLY GROWN TO LOVE HIM AS IF HE’S YOUR PARENTS, HE HAS INVITED YOU TO HIS BUNKER TONIGHT AND HE IS GIVING YOU ALL OF THIS CANDY AND ACTING SO EXCITED TO BE PLAYING WITH YOU ALL NIGHT LONG, BUT YOU DON’T KNOW HE’S DOING IT BECAUSE HE’S SO SAD AND GUILTY ABOUT KNOWING HE’S GOING TO SHOOT YOU IN THE HEAD TOMORROW MORNING, HE IS JUST LETTING YOU HAVE YOUR FUN YOU POOR STUPID LITTLE IDIOT YOU DON’T KNOW WHATS IN STORE FOR YOU BUT HOW COULD YOU, YOU ARE JUST A CHILD WHO THINKS YOUR PARENTS DIED HONORABLY AND YOU LOVE YOUR NAZI FRIEND WHO IS NICER TO YOU THAN ANYONE SO WHY WOULD HE HURT YOU, HE COULD ONLY HURT YOU IF HE DIED OR LEFT IN SOME OTHER WAY AND YOU WOULDN’T GET TO TALK TO HIM EVER AGAIN, OR IF YOU KNEW THE TRUTH ABOUT HIM, IF YOU KNEW HE KILLED YOUR PARENTS IN DERANGED WAYS AND WILL KILL YOU IN THE MORNING BUT HE WILL KILL YOU PAINLESSLY AND HONORABLY BECAUSE WHEN HIS SON WAS YOUR AGE HE DIED IN A HORRIBLE ACCIDENT AND THE ACCIDENT HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH JEWS SO IN A WEAK GRIEF STRICKEN MENTALITY THE NICE MAN WHO RECENTLY LOST HIS SON BECAME THE NAZI WHO KILLED YOUR PARENTS SO HORRIFICALLY—HE RAPED THEM BOTH EVEN AFTER THEY SAID THEY HAD AIDS AND THEN HE SLICED THE BACKS OF THEIR LEGS FROM THIGHS TO KNEES AND LEFT THEM IN POOLS OF THEIR OWN BLOOD—AND WHO WILL KILL YOU TOO, IN CASE YOU ARE LISTENING, BUT YOU AREN’T BECAUSE YOU ARE A LITTLE BOY WHO WAS BORN IN THIS CONCENTRATION CAMP AND YOU HAVE ALREADY ENDURED MORE SORROW AND PAIN IN YOUR SHORT LIFE THAN MOST ADULTS, WHO DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU KNOW: THAT THE ONLY WAY TO NOT FEEL PARALYZED WITH SADNESS IS TO ACCEPT WHAT HAS BEEN DONE AND TRY TO LAUGH AND CHERISH EVERY SMALL KINDNESS BESTOWED UPON YOUR POOR STUPID LITTLE HEAD THAT DOESN’T KNOW IT’S GOING TO HAVE BULLET IN IT TOMORROW MORNING DELIVERED TO YOU BY YOUR BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD WHO HAS BEEN PLAYING WITH YOU AND GIVING YOU CANDY ALL NIGHT, TONIGHT, THE BEST AND LAST NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE
SO THAT’S HOW IT FEELS TO LOOK AT PICTURES AND HAVE MEMORIES BUT THAT’S ALL I’VE GOT SO PLEASE CAN I PLEASE JUST GET A BREAK OR A PARDON FOR ALL MY SHITTY BEHAVIOR NO NO NO I DONT WANT THAT I DON’T WANT TO ACT SHITTY ANYMORE EITHER IM SORRY IM SORRY I DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO CAN SOMEONE JUST HOLD ME FOR A FEW MINUTES NO PLEASE A FEW MINUTES LONGER NO PLEASE PLEASE JUST FIVE MORE MINUTES PLEASE
5:40pm: the gas pump said ‘please remove nozzle and select grade.’ it didn’t even ask for my zip code. it said ‘please.’
5:41–8:15pm: drove around. Ended at petsmart. Woman confidently said her phone number in response to ‘do you have a petperks card?’ she looked 50-70lbs overweight. Both of us looked up when a young girl’s voice said ‘skinny.’ Petsmart employee asked if I had petperks card. I said ‘I have a phone number’ and the screen prompted me to type it on the console. Pressed button to donate $2 to Petsmart charities. Employee said ‘thank you for your donation have a good night.’ I looked at him and said a hybrid ‘thank you,’ ‘you too,’ and ‘have a good night,’ which sounded kind of like ‘yghyeahh too, thanks.’
8:16pm: flicked lighter. Pictured spark catching on my hair and this car scene suddenly turning really ‘metal.’
8:32pm: after I feed the cats I’m going to mom’s to take a bath or watch a movie or something. Treating myself to a shithead special tonight.
8:38pm: no fake teeth security guard. Was presented with ‘googly-eyed window-leaner’ instead. Leaving computer in car to discourage dilly-dallying.
8:55pm: walked to car twisting bag of kale and one of dad’s slow-cooked melons, which i thought ‘my only friends’ about, then ‘we’ll get through it. Wait—if we’ll get through it, I have make it to the sidewalk before the door closes.’ Jogged a little and made it.
8:59pm: turned key in engine and plugged in phone. Thought ‘my only friends’ mostly about hot pink phone case.
9:04pm: 75% of music on phone reminds me of Zachary, 15% reminds me of Tao, 9.7% is stuff i’m tired of hearing, and 0.3% is the promise ring
9:14pm: baby’s nasty night of treating is not counter-productive. A night of t
reating will increase ‘life enjoyment’ and incentive to complete more tasks, because I’ll want to be alive more.
9:16pm: think I’ve lost weight. Weighing my ass and posting that shit on here straight up no tweaking increase uninhibited behavior up that life incentive.
9:24pm: I would be so happy if ‘make me a chevy’ by the promise ring was about me. If a song like that had been written with me in mind. It’s short and simple and sounds so sad and good. Wouldn’t you be happy if someone wrote ‘not as good as the interstates are I just can’t take you that far away, so stay’ about you.
9:38PM: i weigh 135lbs. weighed a little over 140lbs when i began liveblog. not trying to gain or lose weight, just wanted to record this, notice things. or something.
9:42PM: turned on TV to beginning of mixed marital arts fight ‘henderson vs. melendez.’ henderson is 155lbs and melendez is 154lbs and both are 5’9”, so i think, to scale…factoring in 10lbs per inch…so i’m 5’7” and 135lbs…so it’s sort of like…i’m…see where i’m going with this? someone is holding a sign that says ‘THROW DEM TANGS.’ people are booing the shit out of henderson. would be funny if someone had a sign that said ‘THANK YOU.’
9:51PM: assumed ‘15 minutes could save you 15% on your car insurance’ was a statistic about one of the fighters.
9:54PM: baby’s big nasty incentive #1: pizza party.
10:01PM: papa john’s store #3052 is ‘Taking Orders now’ and ‘Now Accepting Online Orders.’ that is what i like to hear.
10:04PM: i wonder if melendez is mad that his name isn’t menendez…i would be, i think…a little mad…
10:07PM: i believe some people use their papa john’s ‘papa rewards’ account as their primary social network. also i believe that they switched to domino’s ‘pizza profile’ recently, expecting something. they haven’t checked their papa rewards account for maybe two weeks and now refer to it as ‘the graveyard.’ also is ‘domino’s’—so it belongs to domino? it’s his? domino’s pizza? people know who papa john is, we don’t know who domino is. domino seems…i like him more. domino would know how to get me ‘in’ places. domino is a back door man. he has mafia connections maybe. his enemies flick his forehead and go ‘plink! and there goes the dominos.’ i’m ordering domino’s instead now…heh heh heh…baby’s big nasty…
10:13PM: papa john and domino would make so much money if they fought each other live on HBO. they could put their kids through college.
10:25PM: henderson won. he proposed to his girlfriend and she said ‘yes.’ people were booing him big time. he said ‘we all know melendez is tough’ and they booed more. he looked happy. good for him. he should’ve been like ‘we all know menendez is tough.’ ordered eight hot wings with bleu cheese and a medium ‘pacific veggie’ pizza.
10:31PM: presidential candidates should have to fight each other physically in the final debate.
10:36PM: how is the domino’s pizza tracker at ‘bake’ already. it switched right after i rated my online ordering experience five stars. holding off on rating other categories until they happen, maybe.
10:39PM: now the news is on. does every head-on collision get reported? the news is like aol.com morning rush but less nice…more ‘hungry’…aol.com is like ‘why are we here? how is this what we end up doing?’
10:45PM: pizza tracker says ‘delivering.’ so prompt. they must not be liveblogging. tracker says ‘jeffrey has left the store with your order at 10:42PM.’ i will liveblog jeffrey for jeffrey.
10:49PM: jeffrey has my pizza. inappropriately coy-sounding news anchor said ‘is syria the next afghanistan…?’ what if jeffrey could write a song like ‘make me a chevy’ about me.
10:52PM: jeffrey called. it sounds like they beat him, at domino’s. or he’s an efficiency robot. he said ‘i’ll be there in one minute.’ jeffrey. jeffrey dahmer overdrive. jeffrey domino’s overdrive. they must really wring him out, the way he requested i have my credit card prepared, so he could make ‘an imprint.’ papa john’s commercial on TV.
10:56PM: tipping jeffrey $5. i think he’s a good man.
11:02PM: jumped at doorbell. jeffrey was maybe a few years older than me. i liked him. he said ‘you ordered of, hot wings?’ i said ‘yup.’ a pen dropped and he said ‘butterfingers.’ watched him struggle with boxes in the pizza carrier and thought ‘i could just take mine. i don’t know which ones are mine yet.’ he asked to use the door to make the card imprint. i said ‘that’s why it’s there.’ he said ‘this is a very precise, uh.’ i said ‘it’s a science.’
11:12PM: rated everything five stars, commented ‘Great, thank you!’
11:13PM: thought ‘because it is bitter, and because it is my heart’ at spread of food in boxes, sprawling across mom’s bed. drinking one of dad’s beers and watching ‘the office.’ michael scott just said ‘i had a great time at prom, and you know what? no one said ‘yes’ to that either.’
11:20PM: i used to say ‘i’m the female michael scott’ around zachary. wanted that to become ‘a thing’ and it didn’t. that’s like something that would happen to michael scott.
11:37PM: reading reviews of ‘pacific veggie’ pizza on dominos.com and feeling good-willed and big-hearted about reviewers. that they would. one review ends with ‘thanks, bernardo.’ unclear whether reviewer’s name is bernardo, is thanking bernardo, or is named bernardo and thanking someone named bernardo–maybe thanking himself.
11:48PM: watching the end of ‘pretty woman.’ forgot there was shit like this. her life is so good in this. he pays her to have sex and hang out and fly on his private jet. doesn’t seem like he’d be generous with oral sex though. he pays her not to care. thanks, bernando.
APRIL 21, 2013
8:23PM: product on TV claims to ‘take any punishment your family can dish out.’ product is called the ‘side socket.’ it does look like it can take a lot.
things i did since sleeping last night:
• ate 1mg xanax
• watched ‘big rich atlanta,’ then something called ‘the kandi factory,’ about a woman who thinks she can make people famous
• ate 1mg xanax, ate wafer cookie thing
• debated deleting entire liveblog via thinking about my life without it and reading something that made me think ‘shit…,’ decided i’d probably feel something different tomorrow/why not keep going
• woke around 11AM and TV was on, didn’t want to be awake, ate 1mg xanax
• woke around 3:30PM and TV was on, ‘top chef’ marathon
• ate two pieces pizza, nestle ‘drumstick’ ice cream bar, dove ice cream bar, two hot wings, orange, water
• masturbated three times orgasming fast, not picturing anything arousing, thinking ‘keep doing the thing that makes you orgasm’
• fell asleep around 6:30PM
• woke around 7:30PM and people had shaved their heads on ‘top chef’ and someone had been punched
• responded to emails
• called mom and left voicemail
• mom called back and said she’d be back in an hour
8:35PM: after a comedic pause, ‘top chef’ contestant said ‘my plate isn’t beautiful.’
8:45PM: ate remaining hot wings, handful jelly beans, three bites pizza.
8:52PM: have noticed i’ve been leaving room when shows come back on, instead of during commercial breaks.
9:40PM: helped arguing parents carry things inside. infomercial on TV for the “dap x-hose:’ the world’s first expanding hose.’ it is said to make all other hoses obsolete.
10:08PM: soft-voiced parental arguing. forgot about interview in NYC tomorrow. i don’t like those black-screened ‘[adult swim]’ promo things. feel like some people have criterion collection DVDs of just those things, just the black-screened promo things. they love them.
10:44PM: dad left. mom is unpacking now. watching ‘planet earth.’ ate last piece pizza and two pieces of toast with butter and jam, chocolate milk. an elephant got lost and was following the footsteps of the
other elephants. the narrator said ‘sadly, in the wrong direction.’ the camera panned out to show the elephant alone in the desert for about seven seconds and then there was a commercial.
11:04PM: mom told me about their trip and asked what i had been doing. she sat on the bed next to me. told her about a woman in a prison documentary using three stacks of cards to walk back and forth in her cell because ‘that’s how i know i walked a mile, it’s so i know i’m not just going nowhere.’ mom laughed and said ‘oh no, do you know how depressing that sounds?’ i said ‘no it’s good, it’s really good, the documentary show. it’s on MSNBC. it’s not depressing at all, everyone is really nice.’ mom said ‘please tell me this isn’t something you’re considering for your life’ in a joke-warning voice. i said ‘i wouldn’t be happy doing that. it doesn’t seem that bad though.’ she said ‘i know, you’re right.’ i said ‘you’re like. just, real life is like prison, kind of.’ she said ‘yeah, well. yeah, you’re right.’ we were quiet for a few moments. mom said ‘you’d have to be someone’s bitch.’ i said ‘no, i don’t think so, they haven’t talked about stuff like that on the show.’ she asked what the show was called and i said “locked up,’ on MSNBC.’ she said ‘i’ll have to look for it, it sounds good.’
11:12PM: watching ‘heroin: chasing the dragon’ with mom. got up to pee at a long commercial for ‘MyPurMist.’ mom said ‘now i know you said you’ve done it, and that you say it’s not true that you get addicted the first time you do it, but do you really still think that?’ i said ‘yeah, yeah, no. i don’t even like it that much, i get nauseated and throw up sometimes.’ she said ‘well then why have you done it, why would you keep doing that?’ i said ‘just, it’s been around. i’ve just had it. i don’t know, it’s interesting. it’s sort of like being that stage of drunk where you’re like ‘uhhh’ but your thoughts don’t change.’ i could tell i had to poop. started pooping. i said ‘it’s just your body feeling different, not your thoughts that much.’ she said ‘that doesn’t sound like fun.’ i said ‘i like it sometimes. don’t worry though, i like, i’ve never liked it enough to do it a lot, i’ve never gotten why so many people seem addicted.’ the ‘MyPurMist’ commercial was still on. i said ‘you know when you don’t think you have to poop but then you do?’ she said ‘yes, it’s perfectly natural, i can’t see you at all don’t worry’ (the bathroom is attached to the bedroom). i said ‘no i mean the smell, just in case it smells, i’m sorry.’ mom said ‘i love these commercials they don’t show on the normal channels.’ i said ‘yeah, there was one earlier, for ‘dap x-hose.’ she said ‘oh the extendable hose!’ i said ‘yeah but it’s called ‘dap.” she laughed and said ‘the ‘dap hose.”
