by Megan Boyle
thought a lot and fast. examples of thoughts: ‘does what i’m doing make sense,’ ‘what do i want,’ ‘earlier i was about to solicit person i don’t know from the internet for sex so why would this stop me,’ ‘[picture of zachary saying things to both girls he’s had sex with before having sex with them, then his face and body having sex with them] and immediate [‘repulsed’ isn’t the right word, it was more of like a general pang, like a stabby pang] feeling,’ ‘zachary hasn’t been talking to me and has been posting videos of jamie’s apartment and cats but he didn’t have sex with her,’ ‘it would feel bad to write about how i had sex with him,’ ‘sam emailed me a few minutes ago,’ ‘i have a crush on sam still but he lives far away,’ ‘[imagining myself from the perspective of anyone who could become interested in me, reading that i had had sex with zachary tonight in these circumstances, felt less interested in ‘megan’],’ ‘i wouldn’t have an orgasm because of all the things i’ve been thinking about,’ ‘my back looks bad from picking at it,’ ‘i haven’t showered in a lot of days,’ ‘my car is ten blocks away and i’ve been drinking and i want to be productive tomorrow,’ ‘i want to do it,’ ‘this is what it’s like this is sad,’ ‘i miss how it used to be,’ ‘why did everything go like this.’
1:47AM: ‘pounded’ 1mg xanax and got another beer.
1:48AM: zachary texted ‘That’s stupid.’ i texted ‘Naw it ain’t nothin’ and ‘Just trying to be better.’
2:06AM: no response. seems like the last time we’ll talk, maybe. i can picture him reading this and thinking i’m stupid and it’s stupid that i didn’t want to have sex with him and hating how i write and other things about me. fuck that. i can picture him before calling me, thinking ‘megan has sex with anyone, i’ll just call megan to have sex with her,’ having had sex six-to-twelve hours before me.
2:24AM: i’m glad he told me. he could’ve not.
2:40AM: got another beer. relieved to see one more will be left, after this. have been texting with mira and sam cooke.
UPPING THE STAKES:
if i don’t talk to the navy recruit tomorrow i have to eat a bowl of dry cat food.
if i have sex with anyone i don’t want a relationship with i have to eat a bowl of dry cat food and half a can of wet food.
2:53AM–4:[something]AM: texted with mira and sam. they were on coke at sam’s apartment and wanted to have a threesome with me. thought ‘it’d be different than zachary maybe, we’d still be want to be friends, we’ve already had a threesome didn’t affect the friendship.’ showered. ate 2mg xanax. fell asleep composing an email to them about the porn i look at (they were ‘analyzing sam’s porn stash’). texted i was too tired and on xanax and drunk to drive.
1:45PM: woke. saw five missed calls from zachary around 7AM. ate ikea apple pie, noopept. called zachary and he sort of apologized. i said it was okay. made tentative plans to make dinner tonight.
2:16–2:36PM: meditated. you’re supposed to do it for 20 minutes. surprised i was still ‘trained’ to do 20 minutes exactly, like, looked at the clock at 2:36. the lady who taught me said sometimes if you haven’t done it in a while you feel fatigued afterwards and it was okay to sleep. curled up in a ball surrounding a purring shirley.
4:16PM: woke. drank red bull and made a hummus tortilla thing. emailed mira and sam cooke and sam pink and someone named adriano who showed me this article of a fucked guy who has apparently made 13,000 edits to wikipedia pages of writers he doesn’t like.
4:58PM: navy recruitment office closes at 5pm. shit. going to eat a bowl of dry cat food now i guess. i will film it. seems ‘deserved.’ i failed at something today.
5:40PM: i ate the cat food. maybe half a cup. kept burping ‘fish meal’ taste and vomited. the only bad part was the ‘fish meal’ taste. a little tangy and bland and vitamin-y. uploaded video of this to youtube.
5:46PM: drank a shot of whiskey thinking ‘the hair of the dog that bit me.’ post-cat food recovery. the whiskey will burn the remaining ‘life source food bits’ from stomach maybe. what i ate today is a Real Man’s Meal. served my task-incompleting ass up a Real Man’s Meal.
7:04pm: walking to car to drive to Zachary’s. Going to eat salad. Drank two or three more shots before leaving and straightened my hair and tried on a lot of outfits. A tall old Asian man wearing an adidas track suit smoking passed on my right. Would rather hang out with him than anyone.
7:07pm: called mom, no answer. Still burping fish meal.
7:10pm: A woman with a similar facial expression/gait as me is walking slightly behind me. Smells like marijuana and ‘the beach.’
7:23pm: driving to Zachary’s. Smells like beach big time. Feel nothing.
7:24pm: I lied. I feel ‘sitting here now and always with incommunicable memories of the past few days’ and ‘horrible emptiness caused by listening to ‘goodbye stranger’ by supertramp.’
7:30pm: Want to abandon plans and eat alone at the empire buffet and yeah I know that sounds funny or like I’m exaggerating but no it’s not meant to be funny I am serious. Excitedly imagining getting into a little squabble and ‘abandoning ship’ to come back here and buffet it hard.
7:33pm: giant Lufthansa airplane flew over car. So huge and loud. It’s going to JFK. Jealous of everyone on it.
7:34pm: smells like cheap ass Chinese food fried noodles and I love it
7:39pm: THING TO REMEMBER: HOW SICL AND DISGUSTING IT FEELS TO IMAGINE ZACHARY FUCKING THE TWO GIRLS AND LIVING AT JAMIE’S AND NOT TALKING TO YOU
FUCK WHY AM I DOING THIS
ITS NOT LIKE HE LIKES YOU HE ACTUALLY HATES A LOT OF THINGS ABOUT YOU AND SEEMS JEALOUS AND DISCOURAGING PF YOU YOU GAPING ANALLY FUCKED ASSHOLE
HE GAVE HIMSELF A FAKE FACEBOOK NAME WHILE YOU GUYS LIVED TOGETHER BECAUSE HE WAS EMBARRASSED ABOUT HIS IMAGE HE DIDNT WANT TO BE ASSOCIATED WITH YLU AND THINKS YOU ARE NASTY
WHY AM I DOING THIS
7:50pm: ate 1mg Xanax after practicing potential ‘flaking out’ phone call. Stop emotions.
8:04pm: parked near adam’s (where Zachary is house sitting). Texted mira and talked to mom on phone. Feel something strange.
8:05–9:[something]pm: sat ‘airplane style’ with me on Zachary’s legs and arms kind of. Seemed happy to see each other. A baseball game was on, said things about how baseball is boring. Asked him details about having sex with Vic and Candace and sat further away from him. The lights were off. Asked if he liked anyone and he said he was seriously interested in a girl Jamie introduced him to, Beth.
9:57pm: kissing
10–11:59pm: I don’t remember. We’ve been drinking chartreuse, I are more Xanax. We went to a deli and got sandwiches. I got a tuna thing and he got a roast beef thing and orange juice and sea salt chips.
MAY 21, 2013
12:00–[unknown]am: had sex. Towards the end he asked why I was crying and I said ‘I miss you.’ He said ‘I miss you too.’ I don’t cry during sex ever, usually, except kind of once when he wanted me to, I wasn’t thinking about that then
Had sex again and didn’t cry but asked to stop because it hurt for some reason. I don’t remember when this happened
[unknown]am: woke to penis in mouth, gave blowjob
Sat on fire escape and held each other. Zachary smoked real cigarette and I smoked e-cigarette. Listened to ‘odelay’ by Beck and talked about songs. Said ‘hi’ to guy smoking weed on fire escape below us to the right. Girl in American flag bikini emerged from fire excape with a flamingo on it above us to the left but she didn’t stay long enough to say ‘hi’
Zachary drank charetreuse all morning. I drank coffee. At one point he said ‘just drink this don’t ask questions’ and poured clear liquid from unmarked bottle. I said ‘it’s just vinegar’ and ‘is it everclear?’ He said ‘I’m not telling you, just drink it.’ Tasted motor oily. Zachary said it was mezcal Adam bought on a street in Mexico. I said something about ‘the master’
At some point I drank another shot which Zachary tried to ‘chill’ by doing an ice/kni
fe trick and spilled most of
Zachary took the sheets off the bed for laundry (he does laundry whenever he housesits for Adam)
Tried on Adam’s and Lauren’s clothes they put in ‘donation bags,’ felt carefree
Laid together on bed. I did something ‘raucous’ I think, like, bounced around. Zachary said ‘I just want us to be friends forever.’ The radio was on
At some point Zachary said he came in my mouth twice while I was sleeping, unsure if he was serious
Zachary filled pillowcases full of towels and sheets of Adam’s laundry and we walked to the laundromat
At some point it was directly or indirectly addressed that I wouldn’t be going to the navy
At some point we were sitting on the couch or bed and Zachary asked me how I felt about him wanting to date Beth and I said ‘as long as I don’t think about it I don’t care’
At some point I asked about the discrepancies between him being so upset that I had sex with Jordan when we weren’t officially together and him having sex with three girls while pursuing Beth. He said something like ‘I was drunk most of the time then’ and that if it got serious with Beth he would stop having sex with other girls
Walked to check on laundry. Felt bad and like I wanted to be more drunk but not drunk at all but I didn’t know what else I wanted to be doing. Zachary had his arm around me a lot and said things like ‘hi puppy’ and ‘it’s so nice outside’ and I’d say ‘hi’ and ‘yeah it’s really nice out.’ he said ‘it’s crazy nice out’
Zachary brought chartreuse in to laundry. I said ‘you can’t do that’ and he said ‘yes I can’ or something, I was grinning
Remember saying ‘I want a bagel’ repeatedly
Ordered Mexican food from place next to laundromat. I said ‘could I get three ahi tuna tacos, chips and guacamole, a bedford avenue burrito.’ Zachary was acting belligerent, was embarrassed to be ordering with him. Walked to condiment station and filled around ten small containers with sauces. Zachary helped fill some, made mess. Wiped area with napkins before we left
Walked back to apartment
Zachary took some cash I had and went down to the beer store and bought us beer. I set up plates and silverware, lined up the sauces and got napkins
Ate on couch watching something
At some point I asked Zachary why he liked Beth/preferred her to me. He said she was quieter and more aloof and they had less in common/less immediate connection he felt with me, got sad/quiet, he said ‘oh no now you’re mad at me’ I said ‘not mad at all, just sad, not even about you, all of this feels sad’
At some point he said ‘you know it wouldn’t have worked out with us’ and I knew and I know and I said that too
I said ‘I don’t want to do these dishes’ as I did them and he put clean sheets on bed. Stopped doing dishes and sat on couch. Didn’t know what to do. Restarted dishes, crying some
At some point he said he wanted to ‘do good by Beth’ and not hit her like he hit Jamie and me. At some point he said he thought it’d be good that he wasn’t ‘immediately in love’ with Beth and that she was quieter, that she did printmaking. At some point it was addressed that a problem he and I had was that I didn’t like it that he thought my writing was stupid and only stupid people liked it, and it was a problem that I cared what he thought about my writing. He said Beth did printmaking and he felt indifferent about it and like he thought she wouldn’t care what he thought about it. She is currently visiting friends. He described their interactions. They haven’t had sex yet. Asked if she was pretty. He smiled and said ‘I don’t know, she looks like Rick. She has a round face. I don’t know’ and something about how I was pretty
I was collecting my things and Zachary was finishing packing. He said ‘don’t be dramatic, just wait.’ Thought about how I’d be dropping him off at Jamie’s and thought about Beth and me and him talking to beth and him having sex with me and Candace and Beth and everyone and felt shitty vomit thing in stomach. I said ‘why should I wait.’ He said ‘just, watch me, for moral support.’ Waited and walked slightly faster out the door and down the stairs. Left my beer and taco and mostly undrank beer in fridge
6:23pm: waiting for him to get something from inside
Ate 2mg Xanax. When Zachary got to car I said ‘do you want to go to my apartment.’ He said ‘yes.’ Rested hands on each other’s legs on the drive. It was hot. Zachary put on chief keef and daft punk then the music stopped. Saw his head ‘nodding off’
7:20pm: entered apartment. he said ‘we’ll make it for final jeopardy.’ Watched a little. I think it was college jeopardy. Had sex. Orgasmed twice with finger up my ass ‘reverse cowgirl style,’ fingering myself
Zachary said ‘I like your back.’ I said ‘even with all the marks on it?’ He said something about liking the shape. I said something about wanting a fatter ass.
MAY 22, 2013
1:10am: woke ate 1mg Xanax apple pie thing
12am: woke ate more Xanax think I said ‘I want to get a sandwich.’ Zachary said ‘we’re not getting a sandwich.’ Toasted bread and made salad with cucumber, pepper, chickpeas, avocado. Watched ‘the office’ and ‘king of the hill.’
4am: woke again ate 2mg xanax
9am: woke confused. I said something like ‘are you my boyfriend,’ unsure/foggy. Zachary seemed upset I asked
At some point in my apartment, maybe the night before, I said I was still doing the liveblog and he said ‘oh, so this’ll be in it’
At some point he said something about how I wasn’t writing for vice anymore and made a noise like ‘that’s what I thought’ when I said I hadn’t officially said I was stopping, I wasn’t sure I wanted to stop, I had nothing more to write
Got ready assembled Masha package
Went to Duane reade
Got gas
1:18pm: dropped him off at Jamie’s and his place. He said Jamie’s e-cigarettes were better and they sold them at a deli near her. Parked. Bought e-cigarette Jamie uses, ‘logic’ brand. Said ‘see you soon’ to Zachary’s body, mostly half-out the car. He said ‘yeah I’ll see you around kid.’
1:19pm: ate 20mg adderall going to navy place in manhattan
2:06pm: parked on church and Barclay in a parking lot. Street parking seemed impossible. Don’t want another ticket. Told parking man I would be a couple hours. Chugged 16oz red bull. Hid e-cigarette in birth control packet.
2:25pm: walked out of navy office. disheartening things were said about my age. Disheartening. Talked mostly to man in uniform who said ‘call me ‘rice,” then a lot of things I didn’t understand about enlisting. I asked if he did active duty in other countries and he said he went to Germany and his kids got to come and it was great. I asked what he did now and he said something about working at the desk I was facing. He said he liked it a lot. I said ‘I have my CDL, for truck driving, would that help?’ he made a face like I had said ‘I’m batman.’ he said ‘yeah that’s good, I mean there’s tons of jobs in aviation for driving, but the guy behind me knows more.’ I said ‘could you explain some more to me about college, if I could finish college then, I don’t know.’ he said something I didn’t understand. I said ‘ROTC’ at one point and he said ‘I think you’re too old for that, but maybe not.’ He said ‘so you wanna be a pilot?’ I said ‘I want to be a pilot, planes, I wanna work for NASA someday’ and nodded vigorously. He smiled. He said ‘I wasn’t ever on a ship.’ I said ‘my dad was on a ship, the Joseph p Kennedy, the Cuban missile crisis.’ he looked interested, asked me how much longer I have for college. I said ‘maybe two semesters, but I think I’d need to change my major to physics, I was psychology.’ he said things I didn’t understand but I didn’t know how to ask him to clarify. He said the man behind him was his supervisor and might know more about if I could be a pilot. The supervisor man got off the phone. He seemed younger than me but older than ‘rice.’ He asked if I was a us citizen. Rice said ‘she’s twenty-seven, she got some college.’ Superior guy said ‘what’s your
major?’ I said ‘psychology mostly.’ he said ‘that might work, but twenty-seven, I don’t know, twenty-eight.’ I said ‘I heard there were age waivers.’ they nodded. The superior guy said I could do other aviation navigation jobs until I was 32. Rice gave me the number of a lieutenant who knows more. I said ‘should I just go talk to him now?’ Rice said he was usually just walking around but it was better to make an appointment. I thanked them and left. Rice said ‘good luck.’
Walking to FedEx to print resume then am going to walk to organic avenue and apply. Have to pee badly.
2:33pm: keep walking the wrong way. In line for bathroom at library. I want lieutenant whoever to call. Goddamnit. He’s not going to call. Will maybe just print out resume here why not oh god oh god.
2:37pm: three people ahead of me in line. Woman said ‘I don’t see how they have one bathroom for men and women.’ man said ‘in a new York public library.’ I said ‘maybe because there’s so many of us.’ we all looked at each other. Man who took a long time exited. Man ahead of the three of us entered and exited quickly. Woman said ‘don’t worry I’ll be fast.’ she was fast. Man is in there now. Woman exited, tapped my shoulder and said something about being in queens this morning. She knocked really hard on the door, she said ‘what’re you doing, taking a shower in there?’ I smiled and shrugged and said ‘I don’t know man, just hanging out.’ she said something else, laughing a little, tapped my shoulder again and said good luck. Man exited. Now I’m peeing. Now I’m done peeing.
2:48pm: at UPS, getting three resumes printed on ‘ivory’ resume paper. Woman behind counter said ‘the phone keep ringing man.’ I said ‘y-eah. Yeah. Nice ivory paper. For it to stand out.’
2:53pm: cheerful UPS woman wished me good luck.
3:03pm: standing at corner of church st and reade st in manhattan. The organic avenue website said to email a resume and cover letter. Should I go to the library and write a cover letter then get them to print it out…so fucked, all options. Shit. I just want to fly planes shit I forgot mom is coming okay I’ll go back home goddamnitdkakajsjjajj
