by Megan Boyle
walked on a dock, behind a man and child. allie said ‘yeah let’s put our feet in the water.’ at the end of the dock, some kind of sign adverstised a tour or ferry. inflatable boats were tied to the dock. alec or allie said the inflatable boats take you to your yacht. there was a little debate about if we were allowed to be walking on the dock. i said ‘ey, this is public property over here, we’re walkin’ ere.’ we started saying variations of ‘ey this is public property over ere’ to each other. it was really funny. felt aware of the man and child passing us, and seemed to disappear at some point. alec and allie stood at the edge of the dock. the light was really pretty. i said i wanted to take a picture and i did. allie took out a cigarette. alec said he wanted a cigarette and i gave him my e-cigarette, then allie gave him a real one.
walked in the direction of the street. the man and child who had been behind us were somewhere ahead, by a parking garage. a cool-looking 1980’s honda scooter in the parking garage seemed to interest alec and allie a little more than me. thought ‘i could take a picture of this but…no.’ alec said ‘my friend [anto i think] has a scooter, it’s so cool.’
we kept yelling ‘ey this is public property, ey!’ and ‘i’m walkin ‘ere, ey!’ and things like that as we walked.
we got focused on finding lobster rolls. followed alec into a candy store where he was being…hilarious…jesus…asking the people about lobster candy, if they sold lobster-flavored candy, where to get lobster rolls, saying how good the candy store was and how he wanted to recommend it to people. the candy store employee gave complicated pictoral directions to a place called ‘the lobster bar.’ alec was egging them on, kind of, like repeating the last thing they’d say…in a funny/non-antagonistic way…shit. thought ‘he’s not paying attention to directions.’ but he had been.
passed a sign that said ‘dropkick murphys.’ i said ‘dropkick murphys’ and pointed. no one looked. i was glad because i didn’t have anything to say. stopped to ask a guy with black slicked-back hair and tattoos, about the ‘lobster bar.’ he was sitting by a pedi-bike. the tattoo bike guy gave similarly detailed, pictoral, landmark-based directions. thought it was funny how people in newport…this is how they give directions, this is the newport way. thanked the guy and kept walking.
approached a shopping peninsula, where it seemed like ‘the lobster bar’ might be. a teenage or slightly older than teenage guy playing a guitar, leaning against a wall. aimlessly said ‘do they have…a punk scene…is newport ‘punk,” to minimal response. saw a sign for ‘the lobster bar.’ briefly sat at the bar and ordered beers, which came in plastic cups, then hostess seated us at a table where it was pretty and the sun was setting. noticed unusual green lights and transparent floating orbs in the water. pointed out lights to alec and allie. waitress took our picture.
alec asked the waitress about the green lights. she said ‘oh, we turn them on. we’re in charge of the lights. we turn them on at night, you know, for the effect. it looks different at night.’ alec was making ‘smooth’ conversation with the waitress. she said she gets to take a lot of pretty pictures at work. she moved to get her phone, then gestured or said ‘i shouldn’t do this, i’m at work, i’ll get in trouble.’ one of us said ‘no, show us.’ she passed around a picture and she said she wanted to submit it to a contest. alec said ‘you should.’ i said ‘yeah, do it, you should do it.’
people took pictures by our table. got ‘obsessed’ with taking pictures of a man who looked like werner herzog, standing near our table with a professional camera. alec stood in the ‘herzog zone’ so it could look like i was taking a picture of alec. herzog man seemed hilarious to me. herzog stood behind me, alec took picture.
the waitress returned and said something about an appetizer they don’t serve anymore. alec said ‘why not?’ she said ‘they just couldn’t get it right this year. they kept trying.’ alec said ‘thank you for telling us.’ the waitress said ‘yeah a lot of people here, they’ll say [made a face] ‘we’re out of that,’ but i like to tell it like it is. they just couldn’t get it right this year, i don’t know why.’ alec said ‘that’s good, i appreciate that kind of honesty.’ she said ‘yeah i won’t lie to you.’ alec said ‘thank you, i won’t lie to you either. ever.’ i said ‘yeah thank you, i won’t lie either,’ smiling at alec. i ordered seaweed salad and a lobster roll with fries. allie ordered a lobster roll (comes with chips. there was…things were said about this, i think mostly between alec and the waitress). alec ordered clam chowder. surprised that was all he wanted, especially after ‘the grand lobster roll hunt.’ things were said about…how i had eaten seaweed salad last night…the seaweed salad they brought was really big.
had a somewhat involved conversation during dinner about humor and what makes things funny. allie talked about the part in ‘crimes and misdemeanors,’ i think, where a character says ‘comedy is just tragedy with timing.’ i tried to paraphrase a schopenhauer quote about humor, that i think is something like…‘the most tragic/problematic/important/serious-feeling things are the source of most humor, the ability to view serious-seeming things as funny is intelligent (or something), and people laugh as a reaction to feeling some degree of dissonance about a situation/topic.’ i did not do a good job of paraphrasing now or then. when i said it aloud it was probably something like, ‘well there’s that thing schopenhauer said…um…how all serious stuff can be viewed as funny…that’s kind of why it’s funny…or it’s just as…like the most controversial things are also the most laughed at…but then there’s that other thing, the two types of humor, the mean kind and the other…funny…um…the second type…what freud said [mumble/trailed off].’ somehow felt like i was annoying alec during this conversation. he left for the bathroom and i asked allie if he seemed annoyed and she said she didn’t know. we talked more about the humor thing. allie used the bathroom. i said ‘am i annoying you? i’m sorry if i’m being annoying, was something annoying about the humor thing?’ to alec. he said ‘no, no, not at all,’ not looking at me.
we asked them to split the check. there was an error with my check. i had ordered the most food and made a miscalculation and there was $15 left over. seemed tense. i told the waitress to charge me an additional $15. something felt different. felt myself go into ‘kamakaze sensitivity mode,’ where i interpret everything as ‘the people around me are not having fun and it’s my fault.’ used the bathroom. walked past gigantic ‘farm’ of maybe six 15’-long lobster tanks that i saw, and wanted to look more closely at, when we entered the restaurant. wanted to take pictures. the tanks were filled with about eight inches of water. lobsters and ‘anonymous,’ displaced-seeming fish crowded together in small clumps. the ceiling was very high and unfinished, with large dusty industrial pipes and vents. saw alec and allie in the distance, taking pictures of their faces inside a cut-out area of a giant plywood painted lobster. people were gathered under a tent nearby, watching a band play covers of john mayer-like songs. allie took a picture of my face inside the lobster. i said ‘that’s so good, facebook, send it to me, new facebook pic.’ she did things to her phone. felt people ‘putting up with me’ as i emailed the picture to myself.
keep thinking ‘something seemed different.’ we left the lobster bar and walked destinationless, saying things about how we felt full but we could get ice cream. allie and alec talked about harry potter. alec said ‘i’m only talking about harry potter so much today because the last time i was in newport i read [one or all or a lot of] the harry potters.’ i saw a storefront with a sign that said ‘scrimshander’s scrimshaw.’ thought zachary would think it was funny. i don’t know what a scrimshaw is…just, ‘scrimshander’s scrimshaw,’ that would be funny. stopped to take a picture. alec and allie continued walking. wondered how long it would take them to notice i wasn’t there. ‘a long time,’ i thought. i moved closer to the window of the scrimshaw store—some kind of gift shop selling things that seemed too disparate to be parts of a theme, or maybe all of these things were ‘scrimshaws.’
felt something complex, watching the people inside with the boat figurines and kites and glass objects, knowing none of us were really looking for anything.
didn’t see alec and allie for a moment. they were maybe half a block ahead on the sidewalk. it looked like they’d only recently stopped walking. i waved and smiled, jogged to them. i don’t think any of us mentioned what happened. i didn’t feel bad about it, just something. i did it, i made the thing possible, the thing i felt. they were still talking about harry potter a little, i think. alec pointed at a candy store and said ‘maybe there’ll be fudge samples’ and we walked inside, where people who looked like families milled around. no free samples. i stared at a box of head-sized pastries labeled ‘elephant ears.’ alec said ‘should we just buy a thing of fudge, a big thing?’ i said ‘yeah, let’s do it, let’s get fudge!’ alec said ‘or elephant ears?’ i said ‘no, not that…’ a man and a boy approached the elephant ears. the man was giving the boy a lesson about pastries. i said ‘let’s just buy fudge.’ alec and allie were exiting the store.
i said ‘i want ice cream.’ alec said ‘i saw a place called ‘kill ones’ earlier that had ice cream. it looked like they’d have free fudge samples too.’ passed crowded ben & jerry’s, which i felt indifferent about, but alec and allie seemed averse to standing in line. someone said ‘should we ask the ben & jerry’s people where ‘kill ones’ is?’
walked into a subway. it was hot, they were ‘baking bread.’ the sandwich-makers were busy with two customers. felt eyes looking at us. we were just standing there, saying things about how hot it was, not ordering. i stood a little closer to the employee zone. made eye contact. alec asked if they knew where ‘kill ones’ was. more people looked. alec said ‘it’s an ice cream store? we’re looking for ice cream.’ an employee said we should go to ben & jerry’s.
walked into a gelato store. the employees were helping a gathering of mostly small upset children. the gelato was all sorbet, no ‘ice cream’ kinds. alec or allie said ‘it must be miserable to work here,’ within earshot of the employees. i said ‘yeah it’s really bad in here,’ also within earshot. someone said ‘why did we come in here?’ i said ‘i saw it earlier, i thought it’d have the creamy kind.’ someone said ‘this is all sorbet.’ i said ‘i know, let’s go.’ walked out as a group and looked at a picture on the wall, signed ‘andy warhol.’ we looked at each other and made ‘seinfeld’-like faces and said ‘andy warhol?’ and ‘oh, andy warhol.’
allie walked into a new age-themed accessory shop, with a sidewalk display of tapestries and incense. alec followed allie briefly, then returned outside with an employee following him. alec asked about ‘kill ones.’ the employee used a different pronounciation of ‘kill ones’ and said it was in the opposite direction. allie came out. she said there is a certain kind of rosemary incense she likes, which only some stores have. i asked what it was called. she said ‘i don’t know, i just know it when i see it.’
talked about ‘blue velvet’ while walking to ‘kill ones.’ allie hadn’t seen it. alec said ‘let’s go back and watch it at my house.’ i said ‘do you have it? the movie?’ he said no, he had amazon prime, which gives you free shipping, and offered use of his account to allie and i. he said you could also watch movies with it.
we found ‘kilwin’s.’ it was in a stripmall-type arrangement of stores across from the lobster bar. there were a lot of little colored lights, a lot of lit-up things, little hills or something. as we crossed the street alec said ‘i feel like i’m in disneyworld,’ (i thought ‘me too, he said it right, this feels like the parade at the end of disneyworld [which i had forgotten i’d seen until that moment, i think]) ‘like i’m watching the parade at the end of disneyworld.’ i said ‘me too, me too. it feels like that exactly.’ entering kilwin’s, we talked about people who would go to disneyworld—then newport, rhode island—to save their marriages.
no fudge samples were available inside. many people milled around but not many seemed to be in line. i stood in line. alec and allie were elsewhere. i asked to try a few samples of ice creams, didn’t really like any, but ordered turtle cheesecake and chocolate peanut butter in a waffle bowl. felt shitty. it was $7. i snickered and said ‘you guys aren’t getting anything,’ which souded more like an antagonistic observation, or maybe question, than the deadpan jab at myself i had intended. wanted to continue on, like, ‘don’t even think about getting a bite,’ but it seemed like i was the only person interested in or aware of what i was saying. alec seemed…i wasn’t sure what he was doing at first. he picked up a box of chocolate covered cherries. encouraged him to ‘do it,’ thinking i was either encouraging him to buy or steal the cherries. he said ‘no, i don’t want to steal from them.’
i was mostly behind alec and allie as we walked to the car. they were talking about bob dylan. allie likes bob dylan a lot. felt happy to be occupied with ‘eating ice cream, not talking for now.’ we approached the parking lot. finished giant bite of the waffle bowl and people seemed impressed. remembered telling alec earlier that he could wear my cardigan if he got cold, and how he had been periodically mentioning feeling cold since the sun had set. thought ‘say something? no.’
alec’s phone died. allie said we could use her phone for directions home. whenever this conversation happened, sometime at dinner i think, alec and allie said things about not knowing how to work gps on their phones very well. felt really full from the ice cream. started driving without knowing where to go, not really caring where i’d go, confident that ‘we’ll end up home somehow.’ allie and i found the way to the highway around the same time. sort of bickered with alec about radio stations. he switched stations fast. i kept saying ‘i want to hear ‘blurred lines,’ let’s see if it’s playing anywhere.’ my ‘thing’ became saying ‘this isn’t ‘blurred lines.” i liked bickering, was either laughing outwardly or inside the whole time. alec said ‘okay, let’s find a radio station where you don’t try to make funny comments or complain about the music.’ allie was quiet in the back for most of the ride. alec started dancing to a song i didn’t know. felt annoyed by the way he was dancing, and annoyed at my annoyance.
arrived in providence. allie said ‘this is my street,’ and i missed the turn, distracted by thoughts about whether anyone remembered we talked about watching ‘blue velvet’ tonight. alec said something about pep boys. i said ‘fucking pep boys’ and fake-scoffed. turned on allie’s street and parked by her house. remembered ‘the butter lion.’ i said it was really nice meeting her and she said something nice back. alec said something long and funny about hanging out again soon, which she reciprocated, waving goodbye as she walked across the yard. waited for her to open the door. she had said something earlier about the lock being funny. alec said ‘yeah we should wait until she gets in.’ allie approached the passenger-side window and said ‘you guys know how to get home, right?’ alec said ‘yeah, yeah, thanks’ and i said ‘oh yeah, yeah, i think we can figure it out.’ she said ‘okay, see ya,’ smiled and waved, walked inside.
didn’t really know where i was driving but had a feeling it was close. alec asked what i wanted to do. i said ‘i think i want to go home actually.’ he seemed disappointed. i said ‘my cats, and also i know if i don’t…if i go back tomorrow it’ll be harder for me to get things done, but tonight i’ll have a night.’ something felt different.
alec tried to look up directions on his ipad. i said ‘i can just reverse the stuff i already have, it’s fine.’ he said ‘no, no, here, you should have directions’ and changed something on the screen. i said ‘no it’s okay, i’ll figure it out.’ felt that i was leaving quickly and that he wasn’t happy. i hugged him lightly and said ‘thank you for letting me stay, it was good to see you, i had fun, this was like, rejuvenating mental thing, for me, thank you,’ which i wanted to be more true as i said it, feeling some irreconcilable fault in me alternately fight for my attention and hide from it, wanting to be anything other than myself walking towards the door. he said ‘i’m glad
that’s what you thought about it.’
11:28pm: ‘baba o’riley’ playing on radio. Stopped at Walgreens for energy and e-cigarette. This song gives me chills, the end. It ended. Feel full and sick. Distracted by wanting some drug that doesn’t exist yet.
11:43pm: ‘chantilly lace’ by the big bopper is playing. Happy Zachary memory song. He’d play it sometimes and we’d sing along. So funny. It never wasn’t funny. His face. ‘A ponytail. Hanging down.’ Sometimes imagined he was affectionately directing parts to me, like ‘ain’t nothin in the world like a big eyed girl.’ But my eyes aren’t really that big. And we both knew it. Especially towards the end. It sounded like the big bopper knew it too, towards the end.
AUGUST 14, 2013
12:42am: Alec said something funny about a song being Elliott smith earlier. Listening to Elliott smith now. I’m most attracted to depressed hopeless people with no futures who don’t like me much. Not because I think ‘oh I can save you,’ because I’m depressed and hopeless and don’t care about my future and don’t like myself. I don’t think either thing I just said was accurate, but…you could say those things are accurate…looking at my life…I guess.
