by Megan Boyle
sat on a raised-curb area, sharing a 24oz coors banquet in a paper bag. there was some uncertainty about which of the drug dealer’s ‘henchman’ would show up. a man appeared and mira scampered to him. the man looked like a someone who fixes computers for a living, or works at best buy. forget what sam and i talked about. stopped being able to see mira at some point.
walked to my car, which a cop car had parked near. a group of three australian women were taking pictures by the cop car. i said ‘did you guys get arrested?’ and they started talking to us as they followed us to my car. nobody was in the cop car. the australians were vacationing with like, eight people, staying in some kind of vague hotel operation…thing…outside of which i was parked. they were talking without much prompt from mira and sam and me. they were funny. they just kept going. one of them said ‘oh come on, these people want to go’ about us, shortly before their husbands showed up. their husbands were just like them. the australians. they wanted us to go to australia.
AUGUST 19, 2013
12–5:00AM: at sam’s apartment we snorted three baggies cocaine, three mollies split into three lines, ‘parachuted’ 800mg phenthylamine twice, ate unknown amount of xanax and i think a little ambien. near the beginning, i spilled beer and immediately started ‘cleaning’/sucking it up from the floor with my mouth. at some point we decided to change clothes every time we did a line. a garfield costume became involved. some time ago, sam’s friend ralph gave him a garfield costume. so good. we went outside and took pictures in a park. i wore the garfield body and mira wore the garfield head. remember wanting to exercise, run instead of walk, and rally the group to do crunches when we got back to sam’s. mira and i gave each other ‘airplane rides’ on sam’s bed. threw out my back and did something to my right ab muscles that is only starting to not hurt now (aug 26).
after first 800mg phenethylamine we started talking in ‘the voice,’ similar to how tao and i would sometimes, on MDMA, mimic the speech of ‘intellectuals’ on podcasts. one of us would say something, someone would disagree, then the first person would say ‘that was a test, i was demonstrating the effects of [whatever],’ then someone would say ‘that’s amazing, the way you did that. i feel so connected to your strong beliefs.’ wish i had been recording a video. sam recorded a video of mira and i saying ‘marxism’ and ‘feminism,’ which i uploaded to youtube with the title ‘TEDTALK: FEMINISM AND MARXISM.’ asked mira and sam to draw a tattoo for me.
~2:30PM: woke to mira entering sam’s apartment with a bag from pathmark. talked about how we still felt like we were on drugs but unsure what. mira had bought bagels, cream cheese, hummus, and a tomato. she toasted two everything bagels. i sliced the tomato. spread cream cheese and topped it with tomato and salt and pepper. we sat and talked at the kitchen table for an amount of time, mostly about what we remembered from last night. discussed plan to get tattoo somewhere in midtown when mira and sam get off work tonight.
gps worked on phone via sam’s wifi. got lost on the way home and stopped at a starbucks. ordered ‘substitute coffee coolatta: mocha light frappucino with shot of espresso.’ asked man how to get to woodhaven drive. got lost a few times.
~6:00PM: got gas from the wave station by me. tried to buy e-cigarette refills but my card wasn’t scanning. checked ATM. nothing in savings account, $12 remain in checking account. ate 1mg xanax.
parked and called mom about coming to maryland tomorrow to fix my phone. she was upset that she hadn’t heard from me in so long. upset about other things too. remember saying ‘can you please stop yelling at me’ and i think crying at some point. she said it wouldn’t be good if i came to maryland tonight because dad was coming over to talk about money. i said that was fine. i remember saying something like ‘if you don’t want to see me it’s okay, i just want them to fix my phone at the place where i got it so it’ll be easy, i can just drive down and leave really quick, you won’t even see me.’ she said dad told her i was spending $1000 a week, which i am absolutely nowhere near close to spending. tried to calm mom. dad seemed mostly upset about things on my bank statement from rhode island. dad has a tendency to exaggerate or fabricate things when he feels ‘wronged.’ think he was just upset about me not responding to his emails, going to rhode island, forgetting about him visiting me today. felt shitty about forgetting his visit. forwarded mom emails from dad. sent him a long email apologizing for forgetting his visit. this is embarrassing to me.
ate two units of ambien. emailed mira and sam that i was out of money, that jordan said he’d pay me back thursday, and i was transferring what’s left in my paypal to my savings, so couldn’t do the tattoo tonight but would like to another time.
gets blurry around here.
stood in line at pickles & pies, to pay for toilet paper, ‘late night snack’ ben & jerry’s ice cream, white cheddar cheese puffs. thought ‘my total must be under $12.’ outside it was dark. woman near me yelled into a phone about not knowing where she was. she kept repeating ‘pickles & pies,’ and something indicating she thought the person on the other end of the phone was supposed to pick her up and had maybe left her there. exchanged looks of ‘what is there to do’ with cashier, who in early june said ‘you can’t trust anyone’ about the government, who i talked with on the ‘super moon’ day, who recently sighed and smiled in a world-weary way when i asked how he was, answered with a word in another language he said meant ‘marvelous’ and that he viewed life as, no matter what, always being okay.
smoked weed in kitchen. dipped cheese curls in hummus. ate the ice cream. watched episode of ‘the office’ where pam gives birth. felt uncomfortable about babies, pam having a baby, the idea that the baby had been in her and that now everyone was talking about it. looked at porn and tried to masturbate. felt distracted by pam’s baby. felt like there was nothing i could do or want to see or say. clipped and painted toe and fingernails. felt like this was the only ‘safe’/neutral thing i could do. anything else would lead to a downward spiral of negative thinking.
AUGUST 20, 2013
12–2:22AM: alternated between ‘the office,’ porn, trying to download ‘bridesmaids.’ searched ‘eating cheese puffs with hummus’ on youtube, to feel less alone.
3:29AM: smoked more weed.
3:37AM: looked at porn.
4:30AM: i don’t remember orgasming or masturbating, but i could’ve. turned off lights except for battery-operated push-button ‘star projecting’ night light by my head. curled in ball, facing light.
1:12PM: woke. watched ‘happy hour’ episode of ‘the office’ and laughed hard at things, unexpectedly. ate 20mg adderall XR, drank zero-calorie monster. emailed with mira and sam. heard a crash coming from closet.
6:25PM: talked with mom on googletalk. driving to maryland tonight, getting phone fixed tomorrow.
6:57PM: got out of bed with the plan to eat another 20mg adderall and take a picture of the tattoo mira and sam drew for me. poured ‘dried bits of wet cat food that had been soaking in water so their dishes would be clean’ into toilet, clutching e-cigarette. cleaned litter box. a fly has been hanging out in the bathroom for a few days. used to try to kill it but now consider it ‘my buddy.’ it flew around excitedly as i scooped cat poop in the toilet. flushed toilet. it clogged. did ‘the retard rotator’ on the cats’ dry food and split a can of wet for them. turned on ‘main lamp’ and ‘red lamp.’ took picture of tattoo. pill box contains maybe .75mg xanax, 1.5 units ambien, 60mg vyvanse, 20mg adderall xr. sat on bed and took pictures of toe/fingernails. plugged phone into computer. placed adderall around 18” to my right.
7:03PM: alvie is crying. said ‘adderall’ using tone of voice i used to say ‘alvie.’
8:04PM: 20mg adderall XR is on back of tongue. zachary gchatted me. the drawing i made in march with mira, sam, and sam pink fell off the wall. swallowed adderall. earlier i scanned all the videos on my computer…have so many hours of shitty footage of shitty videos of…shitty…depressing. jesus. too much. considering posting all of them somewhe
re, it’s probably like over 48 hours of footage of depressing me rambling depressedly. had forgotten about a video i made of myself july 16, in [omitted]’s apartment, like…cheerfully showing things to the camera, saying ‘this is what you do when you’re at the apartment of the person you’re dating and they’ve just left for work,’ seeming happy and lighthearted.
10:59PM: peed. ate small spoonful choline, large spoonful aniracetam. have been elaborating on rhode island stuff. it feels good to remember it. the last time i was in maryland, my mom gave me a heart-shaped rose quartz stone. she said ‘i know you probably think it’s crazy, but i really believe this stuff has mystical properties, rose quartz—if you just hold it—will you promise me you’ll just hold it sometimes?’ i said ‘i don’t think that’s crazy, rocks are just stuff, like people. we’re all made of stuff. i’ll hold it.’ she said ‘just put it in your pocket, okay? and feel it sometimes?’ i said ‘i will. i’ll hold it.’ she said ‘the thing to know about rose quartz is, well, it’s said to bring positive energy about love. matters of the heart.’
later she asked me to pick out rocks/crystals in her apartment that i liked to take back with me. she said ‘you need a talisman. that is what i feel.’ i said ‘that’s funny. i need something, i’ll take anything.’ i asked her more about what she thought crystals did. she said ‘well, you know that crystal store in ellicott city? i went into it one day, oh, whenever it was that grandma was moving here. i was really nervous about her moving here, you know. and i just…i was there, i went into the store for some reason, and as soon as i walked in the man said to me: ‘you need a talisman.’ i was drawn to these stones, which he said were called rose quartz. and i really feel that this—this—that this is something. crystals. it never hurts to think you can bring magic into your life, and that i know.’ i said ‘definitely, definitely.’
asked if i could have a spherical pink crystal. she said ‘now, that? that is really something. that is something, that you were drawn to that one. it’s also rose quartz, and there’s a story—um. i gave that very crystal to your sister when she was going through a tough time, romantically, and then she gave it back to me. actually just a few years ago. she had met [current boyfriend’s name] and she thought i could, well. you know. it’d be good if i had it again. so your choice, meggie, that’s really interesting.’ i said ‘that is interesting. that’s weird, that i’d pick that one. it looks like a planet, i like how it’s like a planet. are you sure you don’t need it?’ she said ‘yes, yes. this is the one for you right now, it’s your time to have this one now.’
when i returned to my apartment i knew where the crystals were for a while—had held them the night of august 2, probably. they get hot in your hands. after i rearranged furniture i couldn’t find them. thought they were probably lost forever, but the day i had the long gchat with zachary i found them in my jeans-pocket. i hadn’t been looking for them. since then, i’ve been keeping them close, like, either in my hands, hoodie-pocket, or purse, if i’m going out. i sleep beside or on them. i don’t know if this is doing anything. they feel good to hold. they are heavy.
AUGUST 21, 2013
1:18AM: just spent maybe…oh i don’t know, definitely not a long time, but certainly a length of time searching for an .mp3 of ‘baba o’riley,’ bought it for $1.29, scrolled down itunes to ‘the who’ where—you guessed it—there are now two ‘baba o’rileys.’
how the hell can i do anything else right now. who even cares. no one wants to read this much from a person. what do i mean by ‘this much.’ what do you do with a person, any amount? fuck all of you. there is this much of a person here and none of you want it. at least now i know. fine. or. i don’t know. no one wants it who i want to want it. or if they want it i don’t know about it. i want more adderall or caffeine. should i just eat the fucking adderall. one left? i’ll…more is coming…‘for more is always coming’…great…goddamnit. i was supposed to drive to maryland tonight. i still want to do that. i’ll arrive at mom’s house early in the morning. it will be light outside. will feel so shitty. running low on the things that make me feel better and put me to sleep.
will someone adopt shirley? [email protected]
serious inquiries only…please…please inquire…
i love shirley so much but the person i am right now can barely muster up the energy to care for itself, let alone another living thing.
i think shirley only started peeing on the mattress because i was gone for several days, but now the mattress smells like her pee so she just…goes there for fun…i don’t know. have also thought it’s territorial. she started peeing on zachary’s mattress in november 2011, but i don’t think she did before she met me. think she peed the bed a few times at the philadelphia apartment. she and alvie fight a lot. they seem jealous whenever i give the other one attention, but shirley especially. like it should definitely be just one cat…shit. goddamnit. why is she peeing like this. nobody cares. i’m the only person who cares and i don’t care enough for any of us to get fixed. if you want sad…i don’t know.
2:06AM: i want to buy e-cigarette refills and a caffeine and take a break and drive this shitshow to maryland.
2:36AM: i made a poll called ‘WHAT DO YOU WANT MOST FROM ME.’ i will do the thing that gets the most votes. please email me or go here: http://polldaddy.com/poll/7336288/ and vote. keeping this poll open. here are the results, as of today:
• vice column (would be updated weekly or bi-weekly) [RESULT: 3 votes]
• liveblog (would continue updating for my whole life, would be more consistent w/updates) [RESULT: 10 votes]
• novel (would contain things from liveblog, would want to focus everything on writing/editing this for 6-18 months [i.e. stop liveblog, no articles], would want to get an agent and a book deal where i have enough money to live without another job or help from my parents until i write another book, would continue to support myself financially this way until i die or think of something better) [RESULT: 27 votes]
• disappear from the internet (would delete everything i can delete, would write in private if i wanted to write, would not publish anything on the internet ever again) [RESULT: 3 votes]
• nothing [RESULT: 4 votes]
• novel + vice column + other writing things [RESULT: 13 votes]
• I want you to stop doing drugs forever. Get clean. [I DIDN’T WRITE THIS, RESULT: 13 votes]
• i want you to be happy forever [I DIDN’T WRITE THIS, RESULT: 9 votes]
• love [I DIDN’T WRITE THIS, RESULT: 5 votes]
• Be my best friend [I DIDN’T WRITE THIS, RESULT: 6 votes]
• I want you 2 live sumwhere w/beach + ppl u love [I DIDN’T WRITE THIS, RESULT: 6 votes]
• i want to get you to a nunnery [I DIDN’T WRITE THIS, RESULT: 1 vote]
• I want liveblog but book+agent prob better 4u [I DIDN’T WRITE THIS, RESULT: 1 vote]
• ur balls in my face bbz xooxoxo [I DIDN’T WRITE THIS, RESULT: 6 votes]
• Happy forever but also the liveblog [I DIDN’T WRITE THIS, RESULT: 5 votes]
• relationships with other ppl [I DIDN’T WRITE THIS, RESULT: 1 vote]
• love u megan [I DIDN’T WRITE THIS, RESULT: 3 votes]
• whatever u want i dont know [I DIDN’T WRITE THIS, RESULT: 3 votes]
• hi megan, i think ur wonderful! stay creative!!xxx [I DIDN’T WRITE THIS, RESULT: 5 votes]
• happy 4ever/liveblog/novel/do drugs w me [I DIDN’T WRITE THIS, RESULT: 4 votes]
• peace of mind 4 u bb [I DIDN’T WRITE THIS, RESULT: 4 votes]
• Other [RESULT: 3 votes]
thank you.
2:54AM: i said i didn’t want ot do this shit and now i’m tryig nfocufgiosugnsrkkrsglharwthl;twrh;ltwe
fucking
why won’t it save the post
huh
HUH
UNIVERSE IS TELLING ME SOMETHING?! IS THE UNIVERSE ANSWERING THE POLL FOR ME?!!??
OFTEN THINK ‘THE UNIVERSE IS TELLIN
G ME TO _____’ AND A LOT OF THE TIME I END UP DOING THE WHATEVER-IT-IS MOSTLY BECAUSE IT FEELS ‘RIGHT’ BUT…
WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY:
THE UNIVERSE IS VERY EXTREMELY VERY VERY VYER VYER VYER RARELY RARELY IF EVER BUT LIKELY NEVER DIRECT OR FORTHRIGHT
I WOULD LIKE VERY MUCH TO BE RULED BY A TOTALITARIAN…FUTURISTIC…I DON’T KNOW, ALIEN SOMETHING…
JUST ANYTHING WHERE I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IS EXPECTED OF ME, I NEVER HAVE TO MAKE A CHOICE AGAIN
PEOPLE WHO TALK ABOUT FREEDOM ARE RECKLESS
MY SCALP IS TINGLING WITH ANGER AT YOU PEOPLE
YOU GODDAMNED RECKLESS ENTITLED PEOPLE WANTING TO MAKE CHOICES BECAUSE ‘OOOOOH MY CHOICES MAKE ME THE PERSON WHO I AM’ WHICH IS WHAT, WHAT ARE YOU GODDAMNIT, COOL CHOICES, LOOK AT YOU
ANYONE WHO THINKS THEY’RE…I DON’T KNOW
ANYONE WHO IS PROUD OF WHO THEY ARE IS PROBABLY SOMEONE I NEVER WANT TO TALK TO
ANYONE WHO IS DOING ANYTHING OTHER THAN TRYING…HUMBLY…JUST…TRYING IN THIS SHITTY WORLD…TRYING…
NOT DOING
DOING SUGGESTS ‘I’M MAKING CHOICES’
THE ONLY PEOPLE I LIKE ARE CHOICELESS
IT’S NOT A CHOICE
IT’S NOT…
NO DOING THINGS IS FINE, I TAKE IT BACK, I JUST WISH I FELT CONVICTION IN MY CHOICES
WHAT I MEAN IS IF YOU’RE PROUD OF YOURSELF AND HAPPY TO BE ALIVE PLEASE NEVER TALK TO ME UNLESS YOU ARE CONSIDERING ADOPTING MY CAT BECAUSE I’M SURE YOU ARE A LOVING PERSON, AS ALL OF YOU PROUD HAPPY PEOPLE ARE, YOU REALLY ARE, I HAVE MET A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO DON’T SEEM TO HAVE THE SAME PROBLEMS OR SENSITIVITIES AS ME, THESE ARE MOST OF THE PEOPLE I’VE MET, A LOT OF THEM ARE VERY NICE, I AM BEING SINCERE
I DON’T GET WHY HALF…MORE THAN HALF…UM
I UNDERSTAND WHY LIKE, LESS THAN TEN PEOPLE RELATE TO MY BOOK OR MY WRITING, BASED ON WHAT I KNOW OF THOSE PEOPLE
THE REST OF YOU?
BEATS THE HELL OUT OF ME
I AM BASING ‘BEATS THE HELL OUT OF ME’ ON THINGS PEOPLE HAVE SAID TO ME OR ASKED ME TO DO OR…I DON’T KNOW…INTERACTED WITH ME IN ANY WAY, THAT IS NOT THE WAY THE LESS THAN TEN PEOPLE HAVE INTERACTED WITH ME
