by J. L. Beck
I should tell her I don’t have a chance in hell either.
Remington isn’t my savior, my white knight anymore. He’s a man now, cloaked in darkness, drowning in the waters of his past, and if I’m not careful, he’ll drag me down with him.
7
Remington
Sleep doesn’t come easy, and I find myself tossing and turning in bed all night, making classes almost unbearable the next day. I watch for Jules at every corner, even as I meet up with the guys for breakfast. Ever since she kissed me, I can’t get her taste off my lips. Every time I close my eyes, I feel her soft body against mine, my fingers deep inside her.
When I walk into English the next day, the first thing I do is look for Jules. It’s stupid I know, since I hate her and all, but I can’t stop my body’s reaction to her. I need to see her, make sure she’s still mine to torment.
When I find her, I almost grin, the energy inside me sizzles and expands outward. My heart starts to beat out of my chest, and the heavy air surrounding me that sticks to my lungs, making it hard to breathe lifts.
I take my seat in the row behind her and tap my pen against my notebook. I have no intention of paying an ounce of attention to the teacher today. I’m simply here for Jules. My leg starts to bounce up and down as more students filter into the room, and Layla shoves down into the seat beside me.
Jules got me right in the fucking emotions when she told me her brother died. Jackson was one of my closest friends, the only one that seemed to matter beside Jules. Since her confession, I haven’t been able to sleep, or even eat. I feel out of sorts which isn’t normal since I don’t generally give a fuck about anyone or anything.
“Rem,” Layla greets me, resting her hand against my thigh. I give her a chin nod, but keep my eyes on Jules’ blonde curls. I wish I could’ve seen her face when she fell apart on my hand the other day. No. No, I don't. I don’t want to see her happy. But I do… My heart and my brain are waging war on my body, and I don’t fucking know who is going to win.
“I missed you. You never texted me,” Layla whines in my ear.
“Sorry, I forgot.” I grin, even though I feel annoyed. I’m good at hiding my emotions, at getting what I want.
“It’s okay...I forgive you.” She nibbles on her bottom lip and leans into my face. Before Jules showed her face here, all that would’ve mattered was finding my next lay, or getting my dick sucked, but now I’m more annoyed with Layla’s presence than I am turned on by it.
Layla’s fingers move over my jeans until she reaches my cock. I don’t stop her, what’s the point. If she wants to touch me then great, so long as she keeps her fucking mouth shut.
“I want to suck your cock, Rem,” Layla purrs in my ear. But all I can hear is Jules tapping her pen against her notebook angrily. She can hear Layla, and I’d bet anything that’s annoying the fuck out of her.
Hurt her. Break her. The words bounce off my skull inside my mind.
“Jules,” I whisper her name, watching as her back straightens at the sound of my voice.
She can hear me, I know she can, and I wonder what she’s thinking. I wonder what my voice does to her. Do I make her as insane as she makes me? Does she want to throttle me and kiss me all at the same time?
Kiss me? I sneer at myself. No. No kissing. Not even Jules.
“Jules,” I taunt once more. “I know you can hear me…” I watch her tiny hand clench into a fist. Good…so fucking good. Her reaction to me makes my dick hard.
I continue taunting her, all while ignoring Layla’s incessant whines in my ear.
“Jules…are you thinking about my fingers…?” I lean forward, and whisper, my breath fanning against her ear. She smells like vanilla and sugar, so fucking warm and inviting, so fucking much like the Jules from my past. “Do you think about my fingers deep inside you…?”
“Stop.” She breaks, swiveling around, her voice snapping through the air, and much louder than a whisper. Mr. Johnson turns from the board, his eyes on Jules.
“Jules, is there something that you would like to share with the class?” At her name being called, and all eyes turning to her she shifts in her seat, turning back around, but I can’t miss the soft blush that starts to rise in her cheeks at being called out.
“N-No…I’m sorry…” she says, trying to make her voice strong.
“Good. If you didn’t come here to learn then you can leave,” he announces, his tone pissing me off instantly. It’s bad enough he called her out in class, but now he’s fucking being a dick by insinuating that she doesn’t want to fucking learn.
“Lay off,” I growl at him, slapping my palm on the table. “She was just answering one of my questions.”
“Mr. Miller, it’s so nice of you to join in on the conversation. Maybe you would like to take you and your attitude out of my classroom.”
Now I’m more than pissed...I’m fucking angry.
“Excuse me?” I growl.
“You heard me. Out. And when you come back into my classroom, you better have a better attitude.”
I blink, my jaw flexing. Did this bastard just fucking talk to me like I was dirt beneath his feet?
What the fuck!
“Whatever.” I roll my eyes and grab my shit, walking out of the classroom, while feeling every pair of eyes on me. He's not worth the fucking paperwork or ticket. I rip the door open, and then I slam it closed as I walk out, making certain I’ve made a fucking scene.
Once in the hall I try and take a couple calming breaths. What the hell is wrong with me? I stuck up for Jules without even thinking about it. I shake my head and thread my fingers through my hair.
She’s nothing.
She’s everything.
My heartbeat thunders loudly in my ears. She’s lost everything…
Every-single-fucking-thing.
I try and reason with myself. Maybe I can’t forgive her completely, but I could stop being a fucking asshole. I could try and make her life easier. I can’t deny that I want her body. I want every fucking chick’s body, but… friendship, anything close to it, is a no. It has to be. When the doors open and students start to filter out, I realize I’ve just stood here for the last five fucking minutes internally battling with myself.
Talk to her.
Fuck, okay. I’ll talk to her, I tell myself. I shove my hands into the pockets of my jeans and wait. This is a bad idea. But all I’m doing is talking. Layla appears, a sneer in her eyes. She’s pissed, I could tell without even looking at her. A second later, Jules walks out, and for a moment I do nothing but stare at her.
Her blonde locks are curled at the ends like always, she’s wearing a pair of killer skinny jeans and thigh-high brown boots, with a cream-colored blouse that makes her eyes pop. Her face falls the moment she spots me looking at her, but I don’t care. Running from me isn’t an option and I hope she fucking gets that now.
“Jules,” I say her name, and it almost comes out like it used to, need and care woven through each letter of her name.
“What do you want, Remington?” She whirls around on me, fire in her blue orbs. “Did you stay back to taunt me some more? What could you possibly have to say that you didn’t already?” I’m taken aback by her anger, by the sadness she emits. Give me her fire, her fear, any day, but sadness, no, I don’t want her fucking sadness.
“No. I just wanted to talk. I’m sorry about that back there.” Her eyebrows lift in surprise.
“Sorry...wow…” She seems as taken aback by my apology as I am.
“I just wanted to talk...wanted to…” The words hang between us. I don’t actually know what I wanted to do. I hadn’t thought this far ahead.
“What do you want to talk about? How to torment me the best? Get me in trouble? Yell at me? Blame me for your own fucking problems?”
Her response pisses me off. If she’s looking for a verbal fight, she’s seconds from getting one.
“Watch it, Jules. I can and will still crush you. Don’t take my kindness for weaknes
s.” I say the words even though I know I’ll never be able to follow through with them. Finding out about her brother changed something inside me. It lessened the fucking hate I have for her somehow.
She shakes her head, and I want to grab onto her and pull her into my chest, whether to hug her or crush her to death, I haven’t decided yet.
“You know what, Remington? I’ve come to the conclusion that you’re beyond saving. The person I used to know, the man that never would’ve taken from me, or hurt me, no longer lives inside of you, and that’s sad, so fucking sad.”
My nostrils flare and I feel the fury brewing inside me like a storm whipping across the plains. She knows just what to say to set me off.
“I should’ve fucking known talking to you was a mistake. You’re nothing but a fucking ice queen.” I shake my head, but I can’t seem to dislodge her stupid fucking words.
“Yup, cold as fuck…” She walks up to me and I have half a mind to grab her, to force her to listen to me. “And all because of one fucking boy who ruined me.”
“Ruined you?” I laugh, and this time, I do grab her. She gasps as my hand circles around her arm and I push her forcefully against the brick exterior wall. Then I cage her with my body, making certain she can’t escape me. She looks like a damn doe caught in the headlights of a car that’s seconds away from taking her life.
I lean into her face, hating how intoxicating she is, the way that my body reacts to hers. I hate that even after all this time she still has power over me.
“All I was doing was being nice, and you had to go and be a bitch…” My eyes move to her throat. I can see her quickening pulse. Is she scared?
“No, you weren’t trying to be nice. You were trying to get me in trouble. You were being a heartless prick.”
I pull back, one of my already clenched fists tightening as anger pumps through my veins.
“Don’t turn this around on me,” I croak.
“Why not?” She tilts her head, somehow gaining the strength to smile, and I want to hurt her. I want to hurt her as she hurt me. “All the choices you made in your life led to this very moment, Remmy. They all lead to this. You’re trying to blame me because you can't handle that you are the one responsible for your own life. You chose this.”
And just like, that she’s provoking me, pushing me over the edge, mixing the already out of control fire with gasoline, making the flames bigger, the fire roar. I raise my fist and slam it into the wall right beside her head. The pain of the hit vibrates up my arm, making my teeth rattle inside my head. I’m seething now, my nostrils flare, and I sneer, staring down at the once strong woman who now looks like she might piss her pants.
“Do you want to see me lose control? Do you want me to hurt you?” I barely get the words out. Why does she have this much control over me? I slam my fist against the brick wall again, and she flinches like I might hit her.
Would I? The thought terrifies me and for a moment all I see is me losing my cool with her, me putting my fucking hands on her. I want to hurt her...but not like that… Seeing the fear in her eyes makes me pull away. I want her fear but not this way and within seconds, she’s scurrying away, leaving me in the same spot she left me the other night.
“Weak,” I grit out. “She makes you fucking weak.” And then I let the rage consume me. I pummel the wall letting my fists scrape against the unforgiving brick. My knuckles bleed, my bones ache, but the fire inside me is still burning hot, it roars, and the flames flicker up toward the sky.
All I wanted to do was talk. I squeeze my eyes shut, wishing she never showed her face here. I know I’ll have to talk to her, eventually…I can’t stay away from her, she’s like a bad drug. She’ll ruin me if I let her, she’s already done so once before, and yet I’m still dumb enough to try and talk to her, to try and reason with her.
Maybe I could get her kicked out of school? Do I really want to go that far? I turn around and start walking back toward the frat house. Instead of pissing my brother off by showing up at his office, I pull out my cell and dial his number.
“Shouldn’t you be in class?” His deep voice resonates through the phone.
“What are you, my gatekeeper?” I scoff.
“No, but I am your brother, which is kind of like the same thing.” His response makes me laugh, lightening the feeling Jules left me with.
“I have a question.”
“If it’s about her, I don’t want to hear it.”
“What? Wait, you knew she was here?” My mouth pops open and I stop dead in my tracks. I should turn around and go to the administrative building just to slug him in the face.
“I work for the college, Rem, yeah I knew she was here. I just didn’t think you would notice or care since you haven't even talked to her in three years. You’re way too busy with other stuff, I figured she would sneak right under your nose.”
“While you thought fucking wrong,” I growl, feeling betrayed by my own blood. I know I shouldn’t be mad, because honestly, it’s not his fault, but I am furious, and I have to take it out on someone.
“Did you do something? Is that why you’re calling? I swear, Rem, if you did something, I’m telling Dad. She just lost her brother and her dad.” And just like that, my heart cracks in two.
“You knew that too…” The words come out in a whisper.
“Well yeah, her mom told me, not her. She came in and helped Jules do some paperwork. Anyway, you didn’t answer my question...did you do something? Why are you calling? You never call unless you’ve done something.”
I shake my head and squeeze my cell phone hard enough to break the thing. “Never mind. I’ll deal with it.”
“Deal with—”
I cut off his question by hanging up the phone. I can’t have Jules removed from the school, and that only seems to irritate me more. My brother knew about her brother before even I did. My brothers have always loved Jules, my father cherished her like the daughter he never had, which of course made losing her hurt ten times fucking harder.
I tip my head back toward the sky, wondering what the fuck I’m going to do? I have to talk to her, try and create some type of truce, but even I don’t really want that. It’s the stupid fucking organ throbbing in my chest that wants it.
“Jules,” I say her name, letting it roll off my tongue like it used to all while wondering if I’ll ever be able to look at her and say her name without feeling heartbroken.
8
Jules
Up and down, up and down. That’s what my chest does as I try and calm my erratic breathing. Refusing to let Remington's anger toward me ruin my day. I grab a latte from the coffee shop at the corner before my next class. The caffeine gives me the buzz I need to get through the afternoon. I do everything I can to forget about him. I can't care about him. Not when he's being the way he is. When I arrive for my last class of the day, I spot Cole. He greets me with a smile as soon as I sit down.
“Jules.”
“Cole,” I respond with the same cool tone. I remind myself that he is friends with Remington and that anything I say to him may find its way back to him.
“How are you?”
“Peachy,” I respond, taking a sip of my once warm coffee. The professor starts talking, saving me from any more conversation. I focus on taking notes, jotting every little thing down. By the end of class, I have two pages full and I feel like I'm more on track to being my normal self. My phone chimes in my pocket as the professor gives us our assignment, an essay of course.
“This blows. I fucking hate homework,” Cole announces.
“I don't think anyone likes homework.” I laugh, pulling my phone out, noticing it’s a text from Cally. “I don't know about you, but I’ve never heard someone say ‘yay homework, I’m so glad I have to spend three days writing a paper.’” Sarcasm laces my words, and I become distracted with the text from Cally.
Shark week. Pick me up a piece of chocolate lava cake from the diner, pretty please?
I stare at the s
creen smiling for a moment before I type out my reply. I feel eyes on me and look up to see Cole staring right at me. He smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes, telling me it’s a forced smile rather than a genuine one.
“Where you headed?” he asks nonchalantly, shoving his hands into the front of his jeans.
“Diner. It's shark week in our house so…” I trail off and he chuckles.
“I'm headed that way too. I'll walk you.” He sounds like the perfect gentleman and maybe he is, I don’t know, but I do know that if he's friends with Remington, there has to be something wrong with him.
You were his friend once too. My subconscious rears its ugly head and all I can think is they’re not the same people anymore. The Remington he is now is no one I would call a friend.
“Sure. That would be nice.” I smile politely. The least I can do is be nice to him and give him the benefit of the doubt.
Unlike Remington, he’s never given me a reason not to like him.
We walk to the diner making friendly small talk. Cole asks me questions as if he is trying to get to know me, things like what I do for fun, my favorite animal.
He seems really sweet, but somehow, I can’t shake the feeling that it’s all an act. Maybe I just have trust issues now, mainly thanks to Remington, or maybe my gut is just telling me what I’m not really wanting to see.
We walk into the diner and Cole spots some people who must be his friends. They’re already waving us over, and I feel a nervous knot form in my throat.
“Come sit with us.” Cole reaches for my hand, attempting to pull me in the direction of his friends.
“I was just going to get something to go. Remember...homework?”
“Come on, just for a minute, you can meet Thomas and his girl. Then you can order from the table.” He gives me a dazzling smile and I feel like I should at least go say hi since he did walk me down here.
