by J. L. Beck
I deserve this… I deserve it so much.
“What the fuck is wrong with you? How could you do this to her? I can’t even believe you are my fucking brother.” He shakes his head in disbelief, and I want to tell him I can't believe it either, but I keep my mouth shut.
“I’m so fucking ashamed of you.”
Every single one of his words slices through me like a hunting knife carving through my chest. The words are bad, but they are nothing compared to the tone of his voice. I’ve never heard him sound like this. The agony in his voice. He means everything he’s saying…and he should. I’m a disgrace to my family, to the male race.
My father didn't raise me like this. He raised my brothers and me to be good people, not pieces of shit and immature bastards. I can barely look into Sebastian's eyes, the shame, the guilt it owns me. I think of my father… I doubt I’ll ever be able to look him in the eyes again, because I know that it will never be the same, he’ll never see me as just his son.
I'll always be a reminder of the pain I inflicted on Jules and though my family has forgiven me for some fucked up shit… they will never forgive me for doing this.
“I would have been pissed and disappointed if you did this to another girl…but Jules? I can’t even find the words to tell you how I feel right now. Jesus fuck Rem, we’ve known Jules our whole fucking life. She is like a sister to me, like a daughter to our father…”
The air is sucked from my lungs, and my thoughts start to swim, my head spinning.
“Fucking say something!” Sebastian spits in my face before pulling his fist back and punching me in the stomach so hard I double over and slide to the floor. My knees hit the floor first, the impact vibrating up my body.
Say something. What could I possibly say? There is nothing I could say that would make this any better. I can’t defend myself, because there is nothing to defend. Everything he has said is true. I did this…to Jules.
I. Fucking. Did. This.
I don’t even care. I want to forget…to live in pain, to let it own me. But Sebastian isn't like everyone else, and he cares for Jules like her brother did, and so I know he won’t let me forget hurting her. He’ll protect her...make things right. He will do everything I should be doing right now.
“Why? Just fucking tell me why?” he growls, and I gaze up at him, tears leaking from my eyes.
“I was angry with her. I felt betrayed,” I croak. I know it’s a shitty reason, now looking back on it, my pain was nothing more than heartache, but it felt deeper like losing her was losing a piece of my soul. I had already lost my mother, so when Jules left, there was nothing left. I thought I was heartbroken back then, but the pain I’m feeling now is so much worse.
“Angry for what, Rem? Because her father got a job somewhere else and moved away? That’s your big fucking reason for doing all of this? She was fifteen, Rem, what the fuck was she supposed to do?”
A spark of fury ignites inside me, and somehow, I find my voice again.
“She wasn't supposed to leave me!” I scream back at him. My skin heats, and my stomach rolls, bile rising into my throat. I’m disgusted with myself. And my emotions are out of fucking control. I didn’t even mean to yell at him, then again maybe I did. I want him to punch me again. I want him to hurt me for what I did to Jules. I don't deserve anything else but the pain. I don’t even deserve to live. I don't deserve shit...just pain, heartache, and death.
“You are the most selfish, self-absorbed person I have ever met in my entire life. You never deserved her, never. She loved you, and you destroyed her. You literally could've ripped her heart out of her chest, and it would have hurt less.”
He is right, I could’ve, and once again there is nothing for me to say. There are no words that can be said to take back what's happened. A loud knock on the front door startles all of us.
My head snaps up and I realize that Thomas, Alan, and Kia are still standing only a few feet away from us all looking at my brother and me with the same expressions on their faces.
Guilt, shame, and complete shock. Their faces mirror how I'm feeling only I’m feeling it a million times more than them. They didn't just lose the love of their life, their family, and their fucking life. To them it was a game, to me it was the biggest mistake.
Thomas turns away from all of us and walks over to the front door. As soon as he opens the door, two guys from campus security walk in. Their eyes scan the room until they find me bloodied and beaten on the floor. They don’t even look shocked to see me like this, neither do they look concerned or sorry for me.
“Remington Miller, we need you to come with us.”
Sebastian drags me off the floor and into a standing position. I don’t even need to ask why they’re here. I’m sure the audio has made its way around campus by now, and into God knows whose hands. Walking on unsteady legs toward them, I try and shrug off my brother’s hand that’s digging into my arm, as if he thinks I would fucking run or something.
“I’m sure you know why we’re here,” one of the men speaks. Sebastian gives me a little shake and I lift my head, staring at him right in the eyes.
“Yes, I know why you’re here,” I answer, my vocal cords shattered.
“Good. You’re being brought in for questioning at this time. You’re not being detained or accused of any crimes,” the other man states and we walk out the front door. Sebastian practically dragging me down the walkway.
“I’ll drive him in since I have to be there during questioning anyway,” Sebastian announces, and they give him a curt nod. He releases me and we walk to his SUV. I open the door and force myself to get in. I don’t even have the door closed and he starts the car, pulling away from the curb while following the campus security officers.
“I can’t get you out of this mess, not that I would if I could. You’ve dug yourself a deep hole, deeper than money can buy.”
“I know.” I stare out the window.
“You know?” Disgust coats his words. “You don’t fucking know. You have no idea what this is going to do to Jules. She will never want to show her face here again. Once again, she has to find another school, another place to live.”
Everything starts to sink in...his confession slashes against my skin. She won’t come back to school here, in fact, she’ll leave, all over again, and this time it will be my fault, my fucking fault.
“Why don’t you say anything? Does this affect you at all?”
A spurt of anger rushes through me. “Of course it fucking affects me, but what do I do, Seb? What the fuck do I say, or do to change what has happened?”
He shakes his head, gripping the steering wheel until his knuckles turn white and all I can envision in that moment is me wrapping my hands around Cole’s neck, strangling the filthy fucking life right out of him.
“I didn’t send the fucking audio. It wasn’t meant to be heard by anyone but the guys.”
Sebastian laughs bitterly. “Oh, so that makes it better because it was only meant to be heard by you and your dumbass friends. Well, it shouldn’t have been recorded at all.” I can tell he’s barely restraining himself and I don’t even care that he’s taking her side, he should, and I’m glad she has him. She needs someone to protect her, because that’s not me. I’m a failure, a pathetic bastard.
“No, it doesn’t. It was a fucking mistake, and one I will regret for the rest of my life. But aside from that, I didn’t send it out. I just want you to know that.”
“Then who the fuck did?” He gives me a disbelieving look as he pulls into the administration building parking lot.
“Cole Robson.” Simply saying his name out loud angers me. He shakes his head and I know he doesn't believe me. Why should he? Everything I've done, the bet, the recording, the way I've treated her. All of the horrible things point right at me.
“It doesn’t look good for you, Rem, not at all. You’ve got a history with women at this school, and you’ve done some bad shit in the past. I can tell you now that you had better p
repare yourself for what’s to come, because it’s going to be bad.”
I shrug. “I don’t care what they’re going to do to me.”
Nothing could be as bad as watching the one woman you love more than life tell you that she hates you, and never wants to see you again. Nothing...and I mean nothing can hurt worse than that. So I’ll take whatever they give me, because God fucking knows I deserve it.
Sebastian doesn’t say anything and instead parks and kills the engine. When he opens his door, I suck in a calming breath and climb out of the car, walking around to the front of it.
They can do their worst...say whatever they want, punish me however they please, but nothing will touch the pain I already feel, the guilt and shame that coats my insides like sludge.
I did this.
I broke her.
I ruined us.
20
Jules
I’ve been standing under the spray of the shower for so long that the water has turned completely cold. Oddly, I don’t feel cold. I don’t shiver or crave warmth. I don’t feel much of anything right now. I’m only in the shower because Sebastian made me. I had no desire of being here. If it were up to me, I would still be in bed staring at the ceiling, which is all I’ve wanted to do the last two days.
“Jules?” Sebastian’s muffled voice comes through the bathroom door. “You okay?”
No. I’m not okay. I don’t know what I am right now but okay is not the word I would use to describe me right now. Numb. Broken. Those would be much better words, but I don’t tell him that either. I don’t have the strength to use words, and I’m sure I don’t need to use them either. Sebastian knows everything already.
“You’ve been in there forever. Come on out, I made us some lunch.”
I turn off the water and step out of the shower, my movements almost mechanical, just like the way I’ve been feeling. Like a machine, a robot with basic functions without feelings.
Drying off, I get dressed, picking clothes from the pile of folded clothing on the vanity that Sebastian had laid out for me. I open the door and find Seb still standing in the hallway waiting for me. He gives me a soft smile and I know I should smile back. It’s the polite thing to do, it’s what normal people do. Yet, I can’t get my lips to curl up even the slightest bit.
Will I be like this forever? The thought doesn’t really bother me, not like I know it should. We sit down at the kitchen table where two plates with little sandwiches are waiting for us. Turkey, muenster cheese, on rye bread with apple slices. It’s my favorite which is exactly the reason Seb made it. Unfortunately, I still don’t have an appetite, so I just stare at it for I don’t know how long until Seb pushes the plate even closer to me and orders me to eat. Picking up the sandwich, I take a small bite.
“Jules, I really think you should talk to someone,” Sebastian starts, his voice soft. “You know you can talk to me, but if you don’t feel comfortable, you can talk to someone else. I can have someone come here, you wouldn’t even have to go out.”
I continue chewing the food in my mouth without even looking at him. I don’t want to talk to him or anyone else. I just want to forget and be left alone. All I wanted when I came back here was a normal life. I had already lost so much, and then I lost it all, all over again.
“I’m sorry I made you come to family dinner, Jules. I was stupid not to see it then. I didn’t understand why you were freaking out over seeing him. I had no idea how bad it actually was. Fuck, Rem has done some fucked up shit…but what he did to you…I never in a million years would have thought he was capable of something like that.”
His name elicits an emotion, anger, or maybe sadness? I don’t know...but what I do know is that I don’t want to hear his name, not now, maybe not ever.
“He’s going to pay for hurting you, Jules. He’s my brother and I love him, but he had no right to do what he did. He had no fucking right.” Seb slams a clenched fist down on the wooden table, but I don’t even flinch at the action.
“Please…” My throat is raw, making it hard for the word to come out. “Please stop, Seb.” I stare at him blankly, and he nods, holding his anger in, swallowing it down. In all the years I’ve known him, I’ve never seen him this mad before.
“I’m sorry…” He blows out a harsh breath. “I’m just trying to understand it all and I’m pissed because I can’t. I don’t understand.” I don’t tell him that I am too, that I’m so shattered inside it hurts to breathe, to feel the stupid organ inside my chest beat. Heartache shouldn’t hurt this bad, but this isn’t just heartache, this is betrayal too.
I can live like this if it means I never have to face him again, if it means I never have to think about what happened. If I don’t think about it, then it never happened in the first place.
Grabbing my plate, I get up and dump it into the trash, then I place it in the dishwasher and walk back toward the hall.
“Jules.”
I blink, registering that he’s saying my name, but I ignore it. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to think, or even feel. Life is better without those emotions...it’s better without the pain.
Another three days pass, each day consisting of the same thing. Wake up, shower, eat, lay in bed, eat, rinse and repeat. Seb doesn’t try and talk to me about him again and I’m thankful for it. Today, I sit in the living room instead of the bedroom, which I suppose is a small step forward. I don’t really know. I have no ambition to be anything. All I’m doing is living my life as a shell of the person I was once before.
I look out the window, staring into the back yard, staring into the nothingness. I can hear Seb in his office, moving things around. His phone rings and a second later he answers it.
“Yeah, I know.” His voice is monotone, much like my life now. “Well, he did this himself. Suspension is the least of his worries, right now.” I should feel something, anything hearing Seb talk about him being suspended, but I don’t care. I have no emotion toward the things I’m hearing.
Anger, sadness, hate, those feelings are long gone, left behind with the old Jules.
“She’s doing as good as someone who went through what she did is going to.” Seb sounds frustrated, but I can’t bring myself to feel sorry for involving him. I needed somewhere to go, somewhere I know no one would be able to touch me, talk to me.
“Yeah, I’ll let you know if anything changes.” Silence settles over the house once again. Seb’s chair scrapes against the wood floor and a moment later, I feel his presence in the room. He doesn’t say anything, and I wonder if maybe he walked away.
Then his throat clears. “Dad wants to see you...talk to you…”
I swallow thickly at his words but don’t respond. I have nothing to say, and him coming here and talking to me will change nothing.
Seb comes around the couch to face me, his features are tight, worry creases his forehead, and I wonder why I ever came here. Looking at Seb is like staring at an older version of him. The nightmare, my ruin. Seb sits down beside me, his hand grabbing onto mine.
His touch is warm, and my body reacts to it with a shiver.
“I can’t hold him off forever, Jules. I want to help you and you know I’ll do whatever I can, but I need you to find your way out of this. I need you to find your way back.”
I blink and look from his hand that’s holding my own, before looking back up at his face. Sharp jaw, piercing green eyes, a dimple in the corner of his mouth. Every time I look at Sebastian, I see him.
He squeezes my hand gently, bringing me back to the present. “Will you try, Jules? You don’t have to leave the house or go anywhere, but I need you to try and talk to someone, even if it’s just me, even if it’s a conversation about nothing at all.”
The smile he gives me is one that used to melt all my worries away, but I have no worries anymore. There is nothing that can hurt me, because to hurt me, would mean I would have to feel, and that’s what Seb is asking me to do...to feel, and I’m not there yet.
I pull my
hand from his and get up walking back toward the bedroom, without a single word spoken.
“Come on, Jules, please,” Seb croaks, emotions I refuse to acknowledge clogging his throat. “I’m begging you…”
I halt mid-step, but only because Seb doesn’t beg, it’s not like him, and hearing him like this, well I won’t lie and say it doesn’t reach my heart, because it does, but if hurting him protects me then I guess that’s just a choice that has to be made.
I continue walking until I reach my bedroom, then I slip inside, closing the door softly behind me. Another day without pain...another day without him.
“I’m sorry, Jules. I’m so damn sorry.” I want to believe him. I want to believe him so badly that I tell myself I can, but should I? He’s hurt me...he’s broken me. I’m a shell of the woman I was before. My bottom lip quivers and tears slip down onto my cheeks.
“How could you do this to us? I thought you loved me?” Remington’s face morphs into something else, and he almost looks pained.
“I do love you. I fucked up, Jules, I fucked up, and I’ll never be able to prove to you how much it hurts me to know that I did this to you. How stupid and foolish I was.” I shake my head, because in my heart, I know I want to forgive him. I want to let go of the pain wrapping around my heart, eating away at my insides, but I’m not ready.
“Come back to me, Jules, please, I am begging you. I will be everything you need me to be and more. I will never hurt you again.” His green eyes plead with me, his voice is like a soothing balm to my aching heart….
Waking up, I clutch a hand to my chest, my heart beating out of my chest. Even in my mind, in my dreams, I cannot escape him, and deep down, I know I probably never will. The heart wants what it wants, but sometimes the heart is fucking stupid and needs to shut up. I blink away the sleep from my eyes and sit up in bed right as a noise outside my door filters into my ears.
