by J. L. Beck
She takes one of my hands into hers and the mattress dips as she sits beside me. Never has my mother acted like she cared about me, at least not in the last five years. That night changed everything. It was almost like she blamed me, kinda like how Vance did, and Henry too. It seems everyone blamed me…
“Did Henry tell you what happened?” I ask, those first couple of words gravelly sounding.
“Not really. I came home to Henry and Vance fighting. Vance destroyed his father’s office, he was screaming at him, and accusing him of all these things. None of which make sense to me.”
“Oh, Mom…” I pause, my eyes meeting hers. She truly looks confused and I understand why. Just like Vance, she had no idea that Henry didn’t tell the truth. All along she’s been thinking everyone knew of their affair. But no one did, no one but her, Dad, Henry, and I.
“What is it, honey?” She blinks slowly.
I examine her face, looking at her for the first time in forever. I’m drawn first to her soft blue eyes framed by long lashes. Her hair is styled professionally, glossy, and the same mousy brown as mine. She looks exhausted, worried, but at the same time has a natural glow about her.
“Sweetie, you’re scaring me. Why are you in this hotel and not back at the house? Did something happen with Vance and Henry?”
Do I want to tell her everything? Would it matter if I did? She loves him and has for a long time. Plus, she’s already proven where her loyalty lies. Would telling her change anything? I want her happy, but Henry is vile and mean, and does he really love her if he can toss her out onto the street without a dime?
Or did he just say those things because he wanted me to comply? Maybe he really does love my mom. She certainly seems happy. If I’m being honest, she seems happier now than she ever did with my dad.
And if I tell the truth again of what I know, the secrets, will it shatter everyone’s lives again?
My mouth goes dry, and I lick my lips. “I… I just wanted... wanted some time to myself, that’s all. I’ve been struggling with some school work,” I lie, deciding that if she’s going to find out, it will be from someone else.
“Are you lying to me?” The sternness in her voice grabs onto me.
“No,” I lie again.
The lies keep piling up and I wonder if soon I’ll be able to believe them too.
“When Vance was screaming, I heard him mention your name, and how if Henry ever threatened you again, he would…” Her voice trails off, and I don’t need to hear the rest of whatever she was going to say to know that it wasn’t anything good.
It doesn’t matter though. I don’t want his pity, his protection, his guilt. I want nothing from someone who thought I was a liar up until they heard it directly from the source. I just wish I could convince my heart to feel the same. I’m pretty sure I was falling for him… even with all his antics.
“Did Henry threaten you?” she asks next.
“Would it matter if he did?” My eyes fall to the floor.
“Of course it would matter, you’re my daughter and I love you very much. It might not always seem that way, but I do. If Henry did something, I want to know.”
“Then, yes, he did threaten me.”
Her mouth pops open, shock overtaking her features.
“What happened? Why would he threaten you?”
“I told Vance something, something that Henry lied about.”
“In what way did he threaten you?”
“Look, it doesn’t matter.” I pull my hand out of hers. “It’s done and over with.” Shoving off the bed, I walk toward the window.
“It most certainly does matter. I will not have my daughter staying in a hotel room. You’ll come back to the house with me and I’ll get all of this sorted out.”
“It’s not that easy, Mom.”
“Please, Ava. Please, come back to the house with me. I’ll talk to Henry, get all this sorted out. You’re doing so well, and you seem so happy.”
I want to laugh. Happy? If she was paying attention at all, she would’ve seen how miserable I was. The only time I wasn’t truly miserable was when I was with Vance. When I was with him, I felt like I was whole, like the storm inside me calmed. I was the hurricane, but he was the eye of the storm and together we barrel toward the shore.
“I… I don’t know, Mom.”
I can’t stay in this hotel forever, I know that, but I also don’t know what the hell to do. Being around Vance is going to be hard, especially when I know that he is going to do everything he can to make up his wrongdoings to me.
But being around Henry is going to be even harder. He showed me his real self yesterday and I doubt I’ll ever be able to see him in a different light. How can I live with someone like that? Someone so selfish and careless that he would lie and deceive the people closest to him.
“Just...just do it for me, sweetie. I promise I’ll do everything I can to make things better for you. I don’t want to lose you again. You just got here.”
The sadness in her voice breaks through the perfectly built walls surrounding my heart. I want to say no, but it’s not like I have any other options. At least not until I figure out another solution. I can’t go back to my father, but I could find a job and get an apartment.
“Okay, I’ll come home with you, for now,” I sigh. My mom’s shoulders sag in relief. “But I’ll be looking for a job and getting an apartment as soon as I can. I love you, but I won’t be living in that mansion with him forever.”
She nods her head but doesn’t protest even though it looks like she wants to. If I’m going to stay, I’m going to have to find a way to get out from underneath Henry’s thumb, and away from Vance. He’s already broken my heart… but I’ll be damned if I let him break me.
43
Vance
Blood trickles down my hand and onto the white marble floor. I should clean the wound, patch it up, but I don’t give a fuck. The only thing I give a fuck about right now isn’t in this house, and that terrifies me. The thought of her never coming back. It’s a real fear, something I never expected to feel when it came to her.
How could I be so stupid? How could I be so wrong…so blind? I’ve never wished to turn back time as much as I do now. The mistakes I made. The way I treated her. All those things are unforgivable. I’m so ashamed and the guilt is eating me alive, but the worry I feel for her right now is strongest of all. I’ll take whatever pain I have to, bathe in it, so long as she’s okay, so long as I get to see her smile again.
Sitting down on the cold stairs, I stare at the huge wooden doors in front of me, willing her to walk through them. I don’t know where she went or where she is now. What if she’s so hurt that she decides that she never wants to see me again? Fuck, I couldn't even hold it against her if she did. I fucked up. I fucked up so bad.
Thinking back at the words I spoke, the threats, the way I took her body. I curl my hurt hand into a fist, my physical pain reminding me of the emotional pain I caused her. I wish I could take all her pain and make it my own. I would gladly do so if I could.
But I can’t. The only thing I can do now is make sure she is safe and happy going forward. I’ll protect her from my father and anyone else who ever tries to hurt her. I’ll protect her from me if I have to.
There’s a hole in my chest at the absence of her presence. I’m struggling to fill my lungs with air, unable to get a full breath in. Will I ever be able to breathe again? Why am I feeling this way? It feels like I’ve lost a piece of my soul. I knew after we had sex the first time that I was ruined for any and all women, Ava had claimed a piece of me that no other woman had before.
Please, let her be okay.
I don’t even care if she never talks to me again, if she tells me she hates my guts, all I want is for her to be back here in this house. For so long, I wanted her gone, and now, now I can’t picture a life without her, now I have to have her here with me. My heart starts to beat profoundly against my ribs.
Then it hits me, all the feeli
ngs I felt for her, the hate mixed with need, with something I thought was lust. It never was… it was never lust that I was feeling. It was something else, something entirely different. It was…
The sound of a car pulling up drags me from my thoughts. Standing, I run to the huge window overlooking the driveway, my already accelerated heart rate skyrocketing when I see Laura’s car. Please be inside. Please. I’ve never hoped for anything more in my life. If she’s not in that car, then any chance of making things right is gone. Laura exits the driver’s side, and I hold my breath when Ava’s form appears, exiting the passenger side. My knees buckle under the relief that rips through me. I feel like a fifty-pound weight has been lifted off my chest.
She is here. She is safe.
I’ll fix this. I can’t take back all the words I said, all the things I did, but I can make it up to her. I just have to find a way to get her to talk to me.
“Are they here?” My father’s voice meets my ear and anger bubbles up inside me.
I want to smash his face with a brick, curse him from the heavens but I need to focus on Ava right now. I can always deal with my father.
“Yes,” I grit out. I’d rather him not talk to Ava at all, but he needs to apologize. I don’t want her to worry about anything. “Remember what I told you, play along or I’ll tell Mom everything and if Mom finds out you cheated and lied in court—”
“I know,” my father cuts me off. “I know.”
The front door opens, and Ava and Laura appear before me. Laura’s eyes dart between my father and I before catching on the drops of blood glittering the floor.
“Oh my God, Vance, are you okay?” she asks, taking a step toward me and I wave her off before she can start her mother hen shit. I don’t need anything from her or my father. In my book, they’re both lying cheaters.
“I’m fine.” I lift my hand, bringing it to my chest, before allowing myself to look her in the eyes. My insides knot painfully and when I do get the courage to look at her it feels like someone’s hit me in the gut.
Her green eyes are filled with so much sadness it pours out of her and onto the floor. It suffocates me, wrapping around me, grabbing onto my heart with a vise-like grip. It squeezes and squeezes and I feel myself getting light headed.
You did this. Her face pales, and she blinks rapidly almost as if she’s fighting off tears.
“I… I have homework to do. I’m going to go,” she announces and starts toward the stairs, hurrying up them two at a time. I clutch at my chest, feeling like the organ inside of it got ripped out. I deserve for it to. I did this. Broke her. Made her run away.
“We need to talk,” Laura says to my father who turns and heads toward his office.
Dismissing her just like he does me. The only difference is she follows behind him like a lost puppy where I’d go drown myself in a bottle of whiskey.
“Nothing to talk about, honey. It’s all in the past. Everything is fine now.” His tone is tight, and as they drift farther away, I make my move, heading up the stairs and to her bedroom.
I’m sure she doesn’t want to see me. Hell, I don’t even want to see me, but I have to apologize. I have to tell her how sorry I am. When I reach her door, I stare at it, trying to calm my erratic heartbeat. I’m antsy, and my hands shake as I grab the doorknob. It easily twists and with a light push, pops open.
She didn’t even lock it. Either she’s given up, or she doesn’t care anymore. Just thinking that I could have diminished the light inside of her has my stomach in knots and my chest aching. My eyes move to the bed where I find her sitting, legs pulled tight to her chest, arms wrapped even tighter around them. It’s like she’s giving herself the world’s biggest hug.
She doesn’t even look up as I enter the room and close the door behind me. Nor when I walk over to the bed and sit on the edge of it.
“I’m sorry, Ava. I’m so fucking sorry. I’ve disappointed you, myself. I… I hurt you, and that wasn’t…” I don’t even finish the thought because it was my intention, it had been all along. I wanted to hurt her, but only because I thought she was the cause of my pain, my misery.
“Don’t lie. You wanted to hurt me.” She lifts her head, tear-streaked cheeks and watery eyes coming into view. “You wanted to see me broken and you promised to do it. Well, you’ve succeeded. Vance Preston has broken another girl’s heart. Congratu-fucking-lations.”
The bitterness in her voice feels like small knives digging into my skin.
“I won’t lie. I did want this. I wanted you broken, hurt, but that was…” It feels like I’m going to barf. “That was before I realized it wasn’t you that did this, that caused my misery.”
“I told you it wasn’t me,” she croaks, more tears slipping down her face. I want to take her into my arms and kiss the pain away. My body reacts to that thought before I can stop it and like a crazed animal, Ava slaps at my hands.
“Don’t touch me,” she grits out. “Don’t ever touch me again.”
Then she shoves me hard, her tiny hands burning into my chest. And for the first time in my life, I know what it feels like to be heartbroken. Her balled up fists rain down on my chest like hail falling from the sky, but I can’t bring myself to stop her. I want her to hurt me. I want to feel every ounce of pain that she feels. Somewhere in the back of my head, words form, and I know I need to say them even though I don’t understand why or how I feel them.
I don’t deserve her, but I have to tell her.
“I love you, Ava. I love you,” I whisper into her ear, unable to stop myself from wrapping my arms around her.
She laughs humorlessly, struggles in my grasp and bucks against my hold. I just want to hold her, to glue all the broken pieces back together again.
“Well, I hate you,” she growls, and then lifts her knee, hitting me hard in the nuts.
I release her immediately, pain radiating through my cock and up into my stomach. I grab onto my balls, gritting my teeth through the pain as she stares down at my hunched over form.
“Love isn’t supposed to hurt, Vance. If you loved me, then you would’ve believed me. You wouldn’t have had to wait to hear the truth from your father. I’ve been telling the truth all along. I gave you no reason to believe that I was a liar. So you can think that you love me all you want, it’s too little too late.”
Fuck, I knew it would hurt to hear her say something like this, but I never expected for it to feel this bad. The blood in my veins turned to tar, struggling to make my heart beat. I’d never regretted anything in my life as much as I regret hurting her.
“I’m…” My voice cracked, and her pretty lips, the ones I so badly wanted to kiss even right now curled, anger spiraling out of her, filling the space between us with heavy heartache.
“I don’t want to hear your apologies, in fact, if you’re truly sorry then prove it by leaving me alone. My life was perfectly imperfect before you came along, and it will be long after you. You might have broken my heart, but you will never break me.”
She doesn’t need me.
She doesn’t want me.
I knew that before I walked into her bedroom but hearing it and thinking it are two different things. Then again, I wasn’t selfish enough to worry about that right now. It’s a mere blip on my radar. I just wanted her to know how sorry I am. So fucking sorry…
“I’ll make it up to you.”
I straighten, my nostrils flaring as I breathe through the pain in my balls. She wipes at her eyes with the back of her hand and swallows, her throat bobbing as she does.
“Don’t.” Disdain as dark as the night sky drips from that one single word. “I don’t need or want your half-hearted apology.” She shoves me backward and I nearly trip over my feet. It feels like I’m teetering on the edge of a cliff, my life in her hands. “You can stop pretending to care. Leave me alone.” She shoves me again, and this time, I take the hint and walk away, retreating backward toward the door.
With my heart in my stomach, I look at her one last
time, vowing to do whatever I can to make this right. I won’t stop, not until I’ve righted every one of my wrongs.
“I can’t take the words back, Ava. I love you. I loved you for a while, I know you won’t believe me, but I knew it the moment I kissed you. I felt it deep in my soul. I’ve hurt you, fucked up beyond measure but I’ll fix this. I swear to you I’ll make this right, or I’ll die trying.”
“Go find Sarah or someone else that gives a fuck.” She sobs, and my heart shatters into a million pieces.
“I don’t want anyone but you. Only you,” I whisper, closing the door after I exit it.
44
Ava
“Ava!” Clark’s voice carries through the trees as he calls out to me. Ignoring him, hoping he’ll go away, I increase my pace to get away as fast as I can. All I want to do is go to classes, come home, and go to sleep. It’s been one week since my mental breakdown with Vance and it seems to be getting easier and easier every single day.
Heavy footfalls sound against the sidewalk behind me, and I sigh into the air knowing it’s a lost cause. Clark is faster and taller, so what’s the point in running. I slow to a walk, and he comes up from behind me, cutting me off with his body. Clark’s a big boy, tall, and breathtaking even, but he’s still an asshole, and he’s best friends with Vance, so that alone makes him the enemy. Crossing my arms over my chest, I stare at his firm chest with annoyance.
“If Vance put you up to this, you can tell him to fuck off.”
Clark is mid-stretch, the shirt he’s wearing riding up and showing off his well-defined physique. For one singular moment I’m distracted. Then my eyes catch on his face, a knowing grin forms on his lips.
“Checking me out?”
“In your dreams.”
“Yes Ava, in my dreams I dream of you… on your knees, between my…”
