by Simon Archer
Pattern: Giant Flame Spitter has been learned. Would you like to create a Giant Flame Spitter?
I didn’t even consider summoning it now, because while it would be cool to have a giant, fire-breathing plant on my side, I also knew that it was highly immobile. Sure, it’d be great if I needed a defensive position, but at the moment, we needed to move forward.
“Is it time to move on?” Gobta asked as he came up beside me. He was covered from head to toe in gore, but it didn’t seem to bother him any. “Because I’d love to kill more things.”
“Sure,” I said as I gestured at the door at the far end of the hallway. “After you.”
“My liege,” he replied before moving down the hallway and opening the door. When nothing immediately killed him, I followed the Hobgoblin King through the door.
I swallowed hard as I looked around the room. It was a huge room the size of a baseball stadium with walls decorated with gold and silver filigree. A massive chair sat in the center of the room, and even from my spot beside the doorway, I could tell it was made from marble, which made all the space-age controls around it seem almost out of place. Especially since they were intermixed with decidedly occult looking crystals and symbols.
The rest of the room was mostly empty, and I instantly knew why and where we were. The room we’d entered had been the teleportation bay, which, of course, made sense, since we’d teleported from my galaxy to this place. That meant this was the central control room for the first floor.
I shut my eyes, remembering the map from Terra Forma. The control room was the center of the map, and each doorway along its walls led to a small hallway that would lead to a bigger room at the end in a way that had always reminded me of spokes in a bicycle wheel. That let me know a few things. If this was laid out like the Hall back in Terra Forma, then that meant the alchemical lab would be directly to our right, and…
The huge door to our right slid open with a whoosh of compressed air to reveal exactly what I expected.
“Defensive monoliths…” I mumbled as the room shuddered as a fifty-foot tall gleaming silver golem stepped into the room. I wasn’t sure how the marble floor didn’t crack under its weight since I knew that, according to normal physics, it had so much mass that the floor should have straight up split beneath its weight. Alas it never did.
Its metallic shielding glinted in the fluorescent overhead light of the room, only not as much as it should have because the creature was covered in the green overgrowth of Thrall’s infection.
“Well, we definitely won’t be going through that door,” I mumbled as the door behind us slammed closed with a clang. That left us trapped in the room with the huge metal golem.
“Not so confident now, are you, adventurer?” Thrall sing-songed with glee as the golem raised its hands toward us, revealing the massive gun barrels embedded in its wrists. Thick black smoke began to stream from the holes, letting me know it was about to unleash a barrage of flame that would burn us to a crisp.
“Gobta, on my mark, I want you to hurl Burningdeath right at the creature. The weak spot is here.” I touched a spot low on my abdomen. “Everyone thinks it's where the head or heart would be, but it's not.”
“As you say, my liege.” Gobta grinned. “And what will you do?”
“Some simple physics.” With that, I called on my power of cold once more, but this time, I poured way more Aura into the attack than was strictly necessary. I raised my outstretched palm toward the golem as it stomped toward us. The air temperature around us began to drop as I put more Aura into the spell, and as ice began to crystalize along the floor beneath my feet, sapphire energy filled my hand.
“Say goodbye,” I murmured, and my words were wisps of white fog as I unleashed the frozen energy I’d called up. The lance of ice ripped out of my hand and smashed into the golem’s abdomen with enough force to make it almost stumble on the slick, frozen marble.
Only it didn’t stumble. It tried to keep moving, and why shouldn’t it? I hadn’t hit any moving parts. Perhaps if I had, ice would have filled its joints, and maybe it would have ripped itself apart with its movement.
Maybe.
But it probably wasn’t likely.
“Hit it,” I told Gobta as frost crept along the creature’s metal shell.
The Hobgoblin King didn’t need to be told twice. His flaming blade cut through the air in an arc that sent the burning point right at the frozen spot with pinpoint accuracy.
And that’s when the shriek of tortured steel filled the air as the burning blade punched straight through the armor like it was made of glass. Bits of frozen metal exploded outward in a shower that rained down across the ground like icy pennies as Burningdeath ripped through it before bursting out of the back of the creature and embedding into the wall behind it.
There was a strange herky-jerky movement as the statue sort of stopped mid-step, sparks and smoke exploding from the rent in its armor. Then, all at once, it slumped in on itself as the momentum of its once moving form tore at the now unmoving joints of its legs.
More smoke filled the air as the metal that held its legs together twisted and gave with a scream of pain. The sound of its knees crumpling under its bulk as it crashed to the marble floor in a heap was like music to my ears.
“Admit it,” I said as I headed toward the throne in the center of the room, unimpeded by the room’s automated defenses. “You’re impressed, Thrall.”
“Yawn,” Thrall replied. “I mean, okay, the golem is just a giant hunk of metal.” It seemed to shrug even though it was a giant disembodied voice. “If you freeze metal and then hit it with something, of course, it’s going to break. That’s basic physics.”
“Exactly,” I said as I lowered myself into the seat and brought up the interface for the Hall of Research. “Simple physics.” Then I hit the purify infection button on the console. It was only limited to level one, of course, but that was fine because, at the moment anyway, I only had access to level one. “See you in a while, crocodile.”
Thrall probably tried to say something, but I couldn’t hear it over the sirens that went off all around us an instant before Destruction Protocol Omega was initiated. There was a flash of red and blue light, and then all the strange plant life began to sizzle and burn as it was turned into little more than acrid green smoke. A stench like overcooked meat filled my nose, and I had to try very hard not to lose my lunch all over the controls. Thankfully, the whole ordeal didn’t last long, and I soon saw the message I’d been waiting for.
You have unlocked the first level of the Halls of Research and can now access all its functions.
“Hello, sir,” the Doctor’s voice boomed out of the speakers. “Thank you for freeing me from that pesky Thrall. The chair in which you currently sit commands everything from this level, but I’ll be glad to assist you in any way that I can. What are your commands?”
“Clean this place up and fix the golem,” I said, and as I spoke, big exhaust fans in the ceiling whirred to life an instant later, sucking the last remains of the smoke out of the room. A moment after that, the cleaner bots, an army of rat-shaped roombas the size of small dogs, came out of the walls and began to mop and sweep up.
Leaving them to their task because I hated washing floors, I smiled at my friends.
“Well,” I grinned at the two of them, “ready to science this bitch up?”
7
I took a few minutes going through the console in front of me and familiarizing myself with its commands. Just like in the game, the first level of the Halls of Research was, more or less, a complex biology lab that could be used to synthesize different types of life, assuming you had samples, of course.
Which I did. After all, we’d been studiously collecting bits and pieces from every monster we’d faced thus far. I had bits of direbear, goblin, and ants, as well as a few other things.
There was just one problem. I didn’t actually have someone to crew any of the stations, and while I had more than enough profici
ency with the first couple of levels to do it myself if I had to, I knew it wouldn’t be optimal. After all, this wasn’t a game I was dealing with. It was an actual planet. If I fucked something up, not working would be the least of my problems.
No, what we needed to do was hire some crew. And, fortunately, I knew exactly how to go about doing that.
“Okay,” I said, clapping my hands together. “First thing’s first.” I hopped to my feet and headed back the way we’d come. “Before we do anything else, we’re going to make a little pit stop.”
“Where are we going, master?” Queenie asked as she followed me back toward the teleportation room.
“To visit Jane.” I shot a smile back at her over my shoulder. “And yes, you can have some candy when we get there.”
“Glee!” Queenie squealed, and it was funny to see her visibly drift off into dreamland as her mouth fell open. There was even a tiny bit of drool. It was adorable.
“So…” Gobta said after shooting a glance at the Ant Queen and sighing. “What are we going to do on Jane’s world? Didn’t we just come from there?”
“Well, yeah, but that’s the thing. The Bazaar is a trade hub.” I gestured around the empty facility as I stopped in front of the teleportation array. Unlike before, there was no longer and weird fungus among us. Instead, everything, including the once broken statues, had been restored to tip-top shape. “And right now, we need workers.” I smiled at the Hobgoblin King. “Unless you would like to stay here and research bacteria while we’re out there adventuring.”
“You know,” Gobta said, “I know some people don’t like you.” He paused for emphasis. “But you seem alright to me.”
“Aww, thanks,” I said as I queued up one of only two destinations available. The first was, of course, my own system, and the second, the one I selected, was Jane’s world.
A quick flurry of button clicks later, and the glowing purple crystals embedded in the walls started to shiver and shake as arcs of purple electricity began to leap across the gaps between them, leaving the smell of ozone in the air.
“We’re going to die,” Gobta said as the world around us began to spin. “I have changed my mind. I no longer like you.”
I ignored him as I sucked in a breath that smelled like charred sausages and, instead, made my way toward the glowing purple pad in the center of the crystals. With each and every step, I could feel my cells start to tear themselves apart as glowing purple energy began to snap and pop through the air like a bunch of supercharged fireworks.
Then the whole room splintered down the center before fracturing into a million fractals of light, sound, and smell as everything dissolved into the ether.
In fact, the last thing I saw before I was completely obliterated by the teleporter was Gobta shaking his head as his hands evaporated into mist. To be fair, he had a right to be scared. I had been the first dozen or so times I’d used the teleporter, and that hadn’t been the real thing. No, that had just been a fantasy.
It was a fact I tried to ignore as lightning flashed across my vision and what remained of the room splintered into atoms.
Then, I was standing there blinking in a section of the Bazaar in Jane’s world along with Queenie and Gobta. Don’t ask me why they named the central showpiece of the world after the name of the world itself… or maybe it was the other way around. Anyway, using the Hall’s teleporter didn’t put them back in Auric Limbo. Good to know. Also, a quick look in my inventory let me know that I now had a Research Crystal that could open a temporary portal to the Halls of Research so I could transport items there if I wished.
Turning my attention back to the street, I saw a number of buildings that I hadn’t remembered being there before. So, they must have gotten some upgrades since I’d been back. Not much of course. It was still a mishmash of colors, scents, and people, but at the same time, there were more shops, and some of them seemed more opulent than they had been when I’d last been here.
“Why, if it isn’t my favorite human,” Jane said with a smile as she strode across the platform to greet us clad in only her long coat. Like always, she was beautiful with a body that would make a supermodel jealous and eyes sparkling with intelligence. It was all by design, of course, since she was a slime girl and could look like whatever she damn well wanted. Still, I wasn’t going to complain if she wanted to sport a narrow waist, D cup breasts, and a badonkadonk. She had to do her, after all.
“Were you waiting for us this whole time?” Queenie asked as she moved forward, her eyes sweeping up and down the slime girl. Then she inhaled sharply, her eyes fixated on Jane’s left pocket for a solid second before shifting to the slime girl’s face. While I’d never seen the Ant Queen beg exactly, the look she gave Jane reminded me of the dog I’d had as a kid when it sensed treats.
“No.” Jane shook her head as she reached into the pocket of her overcoat and produced a bag full of brightly colored sweets. “Our diviner received a vision that you would return to this very spot at this time, so I made sure I was here when you arrived because I figured that you might need help with something.” She tossed the bag to Queenie who caught it out of the air with such speed that her body actually blurred with the movement.
“That makes sense,” the ant queen replied… or tried to reply because her cheeks were already bulging with treats when she tried to talk.
“Slime,” Gobta said with a nod.
“Hobgoblin,” Jane replied before swinging her gaze to me. “So, is this a business call?” Jane waggled her eyebrows a touch. “Or pleasure?”
“Why not Zoidberg?” I said with a laugh as I rubbed the back of my head. Jane and I had spent many a wonderful time together, and the thought of repeating it had my heart racing. Alas, I actually had things to do, so that would have to wait. For now, anyway.
“I’m not quite sure I follow?” Jane said, confusion suddenly marring her pretty face. “What’s a zoidberg?”
“It’s a pink, crab-squid alien scientist,” I replied with a laugh which only added to her confusion. “Which is kind of why I’m here. See, I’ve seen to come into possession of an amazing research facility, and I need to hire some people to run it for me.”
“Ah.” Jane narrowed her eyes. “That would definitely be something I could help you with if you were to join our guild, Garrett.” Then she looked away and began to whistle.
“The whistling is weird, master,” Queenie said as she elbowed me in the side. “It makes me think she’s up to something.”
“I think you might be right, Queenie,” I replied with a laugh. “As I said before, I can’t join your guild right now--”
“Yes, yes, potential faction issues.” Jane waved my words off. “Anyway, I know just the girl.” She spun on her heel and pointed down the road toward a rather large building that looked like a pink strip club with a sign that had “Jodi” written in glowing neon pink light next to a neon pink outline of a catgirl strumming a guitar.
“Are we both looking at the same place, my liege?” Gobta said dubiously as Jane sauntered away, and damn, I did always like watching her go.
“I think so,” I said with a shrug. “When in Rome and all that.”
Gobta gave me a nod, but Queenie took a moment to locate because she had wandered off. When I laid eyes on her, she was a block away, demanding that some platypus creatures give her candy or she was going to huff and puff and blow their dam down, which from the look of things appeared to be built in the middle of a street.
“Come on, Queenie,” I said as I walked over and clapped a hand on her shoulder. “Let’s leave them to,” I gestured at the dam, “whatever this is.”
“I will if you ask me, master,” Queenie said around the massive jawbreaker in her mouth. “But these creatures need to be punished for blocking the road.” She narrowed her multifaceted eyes at one platypus in particular. “Especially Abdul.”
“Kind sir,” the platypus known as Abdul said as he regarded me with beseeching eyes. “We are merely storing our
sticks for processing in this way and have no intention of damming off such a busy thoroughfare and then extracting ungodly sums from its denizens should they wish to pass.”
“Right,” I said with a shake of my head. “Gobta, can you handle this?”
“It would be my pleasure, my liege,” the hulking hobgoblin necromancer replied as he strode forward, one hand casually on Burningdeath’s hilt.
“Are you guys coming?” Jane called from the door of Jodi’s, and even from here, I could hear the crazy sounds of crash metal that reminded me of how this adventure had first started. Had it really been that long ago that I’d been in that fight club?
I shook off the thought as I made my way toward Jodi’s. Once I stepped inside, I found the inside looked exactly like I’d thought it would. The right wall was a giant stage, but from the look of it, no one was on it. A row of cheap slot machines lined the left wall, while denizens played games that reminded me of pool, darts, and, of all things, shuffleboard next to them.
The walls were made of a dark brown material that wasn’t wood but was obviously meant to mimic the stuff. Pinups of catgirls covered the walls, and while none of them actually showed anything exactly, they didn’t leave a lot to the imagination. The bar itself was an oval that resembled a cat’s mouth as it lunged out of the back wall which was pretty cool actually because each barstool looked like one of the cat’s teeth.
“Love what they’ve done with the place,” I said as I glanced at Jane. However, she didn’t seem to hear me, probably because right about then a guitar riff cut through the noise of the crowd like a gunshot. Everyone leapt to their feet, and a moment later, the curtain on stage parted to reveal three women.
The main one, a redhead, was holding a pink guitar and was flanked by her two friends, a pale blonde on drums and a dark-skinned brunette with a tambourine. All of them were dressed in bright orange spandex, had cat ears on their head, and sported long leopard tails.
Then they began to jam, and I couldn’t help but be taken in by the music. In fact, thanks to my abilities with Aura, I could actually feel their magic in the air as they played.
