“That’s right,” Sister Purnell said. “Now you boys just keep doing what you do, and Jesse, you’ve got this.” She turned to Damian then and gave him a sharp look. “And you stop worrying so much about loans and all that. When it’s meant to work and it’s for you, then it’s for you. One day you’re gonna learn.”
Damian nodded down at the small woman, knowing when he was beat. “Yes, ma’am.”
Sister then put out a little box she’d made for additional donations in the middle of the farmhouse table and told everyone to give like their heart led them.
Somebody turned on the music and Strong Knits was officially for real-real now open for business once again.
Kerry didn’t think things could get any more emotional. That donation from the OKG had just about taken her out. She took a breath and looked around. Seeing the shop so full of people and thriving took her back, and looking at Jesse now, so comfortable and in the place where she knew he belonged, and where she was starting to think he knew he belonged too, gave her hope. Gave her hope, but at the same time, ripped her apart with the stark realization that it was time for her to move on.
Val entered the shop then along with some students who’d come from the center, and Kerry’s emotion meter went clear over to tilt level.
Val had the kids do a presentation, reading thank-you notes to Mama Joy, and after each child read their note, they attached it to the little yarn tree with a safety pin. When all was said and done, the tree looked more beautiful than the one at Rockefeller Center, and more full of love.
As they were decorating the tree, Ms. Cherry started to sing and before long there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. There was a sense of closure and new beginnings that they hadn’t had at Mama Joy’s funeral, and it took all Kerry had to not burst into uncontrollable tears and fall into Jesse’s arms or take the path of least resistance and run out the door.
Seeing his moment, Noah stepped in, his smile bright as he admonished the crowd for their tears. Sounding every bit like a little Mama Joy, he told them, “Drink up, stitch well,” and then he looked at his brothers when he said, “Love hard and live in the moment, not in the past.” He ended his little speech by promising to come home quickly and not to be too big a big shot once he became a huge international star while on the road.
Everyone laughed, and Kerry knew Jesse and all his brothers were having a hard time keeping it together. Real men didn’t just knit. They cried their eyes out too. Though they may not come out and say it, she knew they’d be counting down the days until Noah was back home, and they’d be running up international phone charges left and right in the meantime. Family was like that, and they were all they had.
Kerry and Jesse locked eyes again, and she blinked fast while wiping away her tears. He was striding toward her, but suddenly stopped when Gabriel Webb came up to her, handing her a tissue. She saw the exact moment Jesse’s jealousy reared. As if he should be mad, whether as her boss, old friend, first crush or current bedmate.
Kerry wiped at her eyes, thanked Gabriel and looked around the party. It was like that damned old DMX meme up in there with all of Jesse’s exes packed into the place. There was Brenda, Latisha, Linda and Felisha. Plus dammit if there weren’t at least three Kims, and she bet Jesse had hooked up with all of them. This opening launch party was like old home week for him. And of course there was Erika too. No, Jesse didn’t have a leg to stand on in the jealousy department.
Kerry closed her eyes against the cavalcade of women. It was a lot to take. But thankfully she didn’t have to take it. They weren’t serious. She was just another on his list of names. She’d known this going in and she would damn sure know it going out. Plus, it was better this way. This was what she’d wanted from the start and it was better being hit with the reality of it square-on now.
She gave Gabriel as much of a smile as she could muster so as not to make the party mood awkward but still watched Jesse as he now turned his attention to Errol Miller. Her forced smile faltered as she saw the intense look of sadness in Errol’s eyes. He was longingly looking around the shop, but she could see his mind was a long way off.
* * *
Jesse turned away from the scene between Fake Blair and Kerry, and caught sight of Errol Miller. The boy had been unusually quiet, and he’d been on Jesse’s mind since the incident with the neighborhood kids. He walked Errol’s way. “How are you, E? How’s that scarf coming?”
Errol only shrugged, his silence mirroring his sullen expression. Finally, he spoke. “It’s fine, I guess.”
Jesse frowned. “You guess? Convincing.”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Okay then. Well, know you’re welcome here anytime for tips or when you’re ready for another project. We have tons of extra yarn.”
Errol nodded. “Thanks, but I don’t think I’ll have much time. School’s about to start and I’ll probably be doing basketball once that happens.”
Jesse looked at him. “Wow. That was about the worst endorsement for intramural sports ever, but okay,” he said jokingly, but Errol didn’t crack a smile.
Jesse sobered. “Sorry. I get it and it’s cool. Just know the offer is always open.” Errol was about to walk away, but Jesse stopped him with his voice.
“You know, I played ball too. Basketball and baseball. I was better at baseball though. I knitted while hanging in the dugout to pass the time while waiting for my turn at bat. I still hate waiting.”
Errol looked at him now with more than a little skepticism.
“No, really,” Jesse said, “it’s true. And I took more than my fair share of crap for it.” He grinned. “Ugh, the fights. I had plenty, but they stopped quick enough. Coach and Mama Joy weren’t having it from me or anyone else. Plus, you’ve seen my brothers. And it’s okay. I always made them eat their words with each triple or home run I hit.”
Errol finally cracked a smile.
“Working with yarn helped me with my game. My focus and concentration, you know? I wasn’t the best student, so I needed that. It sort of kept me centered, if that makes sense.”
Errol was quiet. “It does,” he finally said.
“Hey, it’s great for hand-eye coordination,” Jesse added. He liked talking to Errol. He could see the struggle the boy was going through, and he didn’t want him to give up on something he clearly enjoyed.
“As if you ever had any trouble with your hand-eye coordination.”
Jesse let out a breath and watched as Errol’s eyes traveled up Erika’s long body.
Jesse gave her a look. “Seriously? That’s your greeting?”
“What?” she said. “I was talking about basketball.”
Just then Val came over. “What up? Erika, are you talking about what an expert ball handler you are?” she said, with a smile that could cut through steel.
Kerry walked over then and looked down at Errol. She put her arm around his shoulder. “We have cupcakes, you know. They just got put out. I think you’d better grab one before they’re gone.” Her tone was soft and easy, but Jesse could tell she was tense.
The boy looked back and forth between the glaring faces of the women, then made the exit that Jesse kind of wished he could.
Erika laughed. “Funny. So have you both moved in here now?” She looked at Jesse. “You didn’t tell me you were hiring a whole team for your little shop.”
Jesse moved to stand closer to Kerry. He put his arm around her. “No, I didn’t,” he said, looking Erika in the eye and hoping to end this conversation. He looked down at Kerry and gave her a warm smile. “Listen, I think we’re needed up front.” He tilted his head toward a couple looking at the baby hats they’d finished. He almost let out an audible sigh of relief when Kerry gave him a warm smile back.
“Sure,” she said. “Let’s go. Don’t want to keep potential customers waiting.”
24
Kerry was u
nusually quiet over the next week. Though they both should have been over the moon, sexing and laughing and laughing and sexing some more to celebrate the successful opening and relaunch of Strong Knits, there was no laughter. Crazy, right? The old him would be perfectly happy with just sexing. The woman of his dreams was ready and willing and in his arms every night, and here he was not satisfied. He wanted more. No, needed more. Not just her body. Jesse now knew he wanted that and her smiles, her laughter and, dammit, even her ire and admonishments. Kerry wasn’t Kerry if she wasn’t her full and whole self.
And Jesse could tell she wasn’t. That she was keeping something from him. Maybe not intentionally, though he suspected as much, but he could tell there was something she didn’t trust sharing with him. A part of herself that she was holding back despite the easy fake smiles and light back-and-forth banter at night. But who was he to talk? As for him, he was holding back too. Because, for the life of him, he couldn’t bring himself to just ask her. Ask her straight out what was going on. If she wasn’t ready to tell him, then the reverse was true too—he wasn’t ready for the beautiful fragile bubble he was living in to burst just yet either.
He knew he was being a total coward, but then again, what else was new? He could practically hear Mama Joy scolding him from the grave. The quicker he let Kerry go, the better, was probably what she’d tell him, but whenever he thought of his mother saying those words, they never seemed to sound quite right in his own head.
He wanted to talk to Kerry about things, comfort her like she needed and deserved to be comforted, be there for her like she was for him, but somehow he just kept coming up so fucking short. It wasn’t that she intimidated him, it was just that he was afraid of the ultimate goodbye that he knew was to come when and if he let his real feelings out. Jesse thought back to when he’d caught Kerry restraightening Mama Joy’s room. He’d caught the look of loss and sadness as she gently refolded the unfinished shawl and carefully sorted the yarns, her tears flowing freely when she thought no one was watching. He should have cared for her then. Should have dried her tears. Made her laugh. Done something, anything, but instead he’d just stood there. Still. He’d watched and let her cry before walking away like an impotent coward. If that wasn’t so like him, he didn’t know what was. Useless and undeserving.
They’d talked after the party. Or at least he had, trying to explain the presence of so many of his exes, but she didn’t want to listen. Not really. It seemed the old Kerry, that girl in the loft, the one by his side who was always there, was gone. This woman was distant, aloof, a shell holding his sweet Kerry Girl captive.
Finally, not sure how to break the ice and get through her wall, he just blurted things out when they were in bed that night. “I did a sort of apology tour. I didn’t like all the negative comments, so I wanted to turn them around and make them into a positive. For the business.” It sounded stupid already, but there was no going back now, so Jesse continued, this time with a little more desperation in his voice. Maybe she’d get it then. “And it worked. We got so many donations that the bank is now off our back.”
Kerry’s frown would have been comic if it wasn’t so chilling. “Wow, you really do have magical charms.”
“Come on, Kerry Girl. It’s not like that. This breather is what we need.” He reached for her and she pulled away, shocking him.
“I’m not a girl. When are you going to realize that?” she said, then let out a long breath before looking at him again. “You don’t owe me an explanation, Jesse,” she said. “I don’t have any right to you. Not in the past or in the future. Besides, I’m happy for you and your brothers. You’re right. This breather is exactly what you need.”
You? Your? Shit. When Kerry Girl wanted to hit, she knew just where and how, and the way she twisted the use of “breather” to make it about them when she knew he was talking about the money?
But she was right. Even if he wanted her to be wrong.
He’d already found out from Lucas that the end was getting way too near and that the repairs on her building were perilously close to being done. Kerry could get a call about her apartment being ready at any time. There was nothing and no one holding her here.
So when she opened up and let him back in, if not emotionally then physically, Jesse took what he could and just went with it. He’d have her this way if it was the only way he could have her at all.
Besides, he should be happy. It was the best of both worlds. Soon he’d have his bed back, his house back, his old life back. Only he didn’t want any of it. What he wanted was her. Fuck if what he had always wanted wasn’t her.
25
With the successful turnout for their after-work Knit and Sip event that she’d coordinated, once again Kerry should have been over the moon. But he could see she wasn’t. She was going through the motions.
Albeit heavy on the women, save three guys, the Knit and Sip was a hit. Folks showed up to knit, mingle and get their drink on. Too bad it was a disaster for Kerry and Jesse. It was a roller coaster of emotions for many. His boy Craig showed up and got shot down by Val, who, it seemed, had a “one strike and you’re out” policy. But Ziggy seemed happy with the scene and deemed it chiller than the club, and with better odds.
Jesse would have been cool with the male count stopping there, but that damned single dad from Kerry’s job showed up. He claimed he wanted to learn to knit for his daughter, but the way he kept looking at Kerry and asking a million and three questions had Jesse thinking differently.
Still, he couldn’t be mad. Not with the turnout. It was pretty good. Kerry’s marketing, for what it was worth, was fantastic. Her idea of putting pics of him and his brothers in various suggestive poses with the yarns and marketing through Instagram was genius.
Jesse watched Kerry mingle with the women, expertly giving advice as she served the fruity sangria they had whipped up along with the cookies she’d stayed up making the night before. He realized this was a sight he could happily and easily get used to. It felt right.
She didn’t even seem fazed over the fact that, once again, Erika showed up. Which gave him no small amount of apprehension. If she no longer cared, then was she really and truly ready to move on?
Jesse was ready for a certain amount of tension and the night to be ruined, but instead, Kerry just looked at him and smiled as she took Erika’s money and contact info, then handed her a skein of yarn, a pair of needles and a glass of sangria in exchange for her thirty-five-dollar entry fee. The only thing that even slightly gave away that she may have been bothered was the fact that she pulled up a chair for Erika between Sister Purnell and Ms. Cherry, creating quite a tight little sandwich.
It was a reach, but it gave him hope.
The mood lifted easily enough once again when Lucas came in, though he and his brother were still slightly tight lipped over him and Kerry. And who could blame Lucas? As he had predicted, Jesse was totally messing it up. Still, after the successful launch, all his brothers were lightening up a bit and putting business first. He had to thank Lucas for coming through tonight. One look at the hot firefighter who started to demo arm knitting and the women were practically throwing money at them for skeins of heavy-weight chunky wool.
Lucas gave Jesse a wink across the room and he laughed at the same time that Erika walked over to him. “You know I would pay extra for a private if you could teach me that arm knitting, Jes.”
He looked over at her, careful to keep his expression neutral. Erika licked her lips provocatively.
“Thanks, but I don’t do privates,” he said, and started to walk forward. “We do have a schedule up front that shows all our group lessons.”
Then he paused. Kerry was showing Fake Blair a technique, and he put his hand over hers and ran his thumb across the back of her index finger. Her index finger! Jesse took another step forward. He wanted to kill that motherfucker.
A hand on his chest stopped him, a
long with a low voice in his ear. “Not here. This is not the time or the place,” Lucas said.
He turned and looked into his brother’s dark eyes; they were full of warmth and understanding and also caution. Lucas was right. Jesse nodded and let out a breath.
He turned back to Erika as the rest of the room came back into focus. Grabbing a blue schedule sheet, he handed it to Erika. “Here you go,” he said, deadpan. “All our group classes are listed here.”
Jesse snatched up a bunch more schedules then and placed them on the table. He put them in various spots, finally coming around to place some between Kerry and Fake Blair, and that was when he heard it. “I think you’ll be a great addition,” Fake Blair said. “Please let me know your decision soon. It’s time things change, and having you on the team is just what we need.”
Jesse froze as he looked from Fake Blair to Kerry. He dropped the flyers and moved on. “Sister Purnell,” he said, “you want a personal arm knitting demo? Stand up and let’s get close so I can show you how it’s done.”
* * *
That night Kerry tried to snuggle up against Jesse’s smooth and hard planes. And though he pulled her in close to him, her naked back to his chest, she could feel him emotionally pushing her away. It was as if she could almost see the little one-inch invisible space between them filled with all their fear and self-doubt. That small space that might as well have been a full mile.
It was fine, she told herself. She had been doing the same to him. And what else could she expect now that things were all coming to a head after tonight and his overhearing what Gabriel had said? At least she thought he’d heard. Kerry gave herself a mental shake. Who was she fooling? Of course he’d heard, and now she knew she needed to tell him about the job offer. She let out a long breath. The job was a perfect opportunity for her. Full-time art specialist for their new satellite school division. They would work in conjunction with the local public school year-round, and with this she’d no longer have as many financial worries; she could still work with the kids in the community and be close to home.
Real Men Knit Page 25
