by Laura Pavlov
A roaring fire blazed beside us in the restaurant. The place was buzzing because Lake Tahoe was a popular place over holiday weekends. We sat at an oversized booth and piled our coats on an extra chair that the server brought over.
“I’m done for the rest of the week,” Harley said, raising a brow at Ford as she sipped her hot toddy. “And I promised your mom I would make a few pies today.”
“Monroe, you and I are going to kill the side dishes this year,” Laney Mae said.
“Yeah, I’m excited. I’ve never made Thanksgiving dinner. We’d always go out to eat, so this is nice.” She leaned back in her chair, and I squeezed her hand beneath the table. Her cheeks were pink and she leaned in to rest her head on my shoulder.
“I get that. Gramps and I ate out after Gram passed away all those years ago. But a homecooked turkey is just so much better for some reason.” Harley leaned over and adjusted the neck on Ford’s sweater and he wrapped an arm around her.
“I’m looking forward to it.”
“Have you two talked any more about the New Year’s event at the Labriths’?” Ford asked, and Harrison shot him a look.
Monroe’s body stiffened beside me. It was a sore subject. She’d be attending as an undercover caterer and I wasn’t happy about it. I was still determined to be there, but Monroe begged me to let her do this on her own, as she insisted I would blow her cover. It was the first time in my life I cursed my handsome, recognizable face.
“Dan has a lead at the catering company, so I’m going to be able to get in that way.” She turned to look at me.
“Not happy about it. I’ll be there somehow, even if it means sitting in the back of a van,” I hissed.
Laney Mae laughed. “Never seen you this worried about anyone, Jack-ass. It’s nice.”
“I shouldn’t be the only one worried.” I glared at my brothers and then did the same to Monroe and everyone chuckled.
It wasn’t fucking funny.
“So, when will you guys tell Miles you’re dating? I mean, clearly, you’re together,” Harley asked, and I didn’t mind the question one bit. It was the topic we avoided every time we were together. Lying to my best friend every day did not feel right.
“I’d like to tell him now.” I crossed my arms over my chest.
“It’s none of his business. I love him to death. But he’s ridiculously protective. He doesn’t get over things. And this is new, and it’s wonderful, but if it doesn’t end well, it will change their friendship forever.” She let out a long sigh and leaned even closer to me as she fiddled with her napkin. “We’re two consenting adults. Why would we add pressure to something so new? Jack hasn’t had a relationship in years, and my last relationship ended horribly. Our track records aren’t great. My brother will hold it against him regardless of what happens.”
“That makes sense,” both of my sisters-in-law said in unison.
It didn’t add up completely. Miles was like a brother to me. He’d get over it. Because the truth was… I doubted I’d be the one walking away. It was Monroe who had the walls up. She was the one holding back. And not telling her brother was just another way of protecting herself. Sure, he’d be pissed at first, but once he saw how much I cared for her, he’d have no choice but to get over it. But lying to him would only make everything more complicated.
“So, I just lie to him every day? It’s bullshit.”
“I’m not asking you to lie to him. Tell him that you’re seeing someone. Tell him all about it. Just don’t say it’s me.” She shrugged and everyone chuckled.
I didn’t laugh. Because it wasn’t fucking funny. She was scared. I wasn’t buying her bullshit excuse.
Ford’s gaze locked with mine and he studied me. He could tell I wasn’t happy. “So, has he always been protective?”
“He’s always acted more like a parent to me, even though we’re so close in age, I think it’s because of the way we lost our mom. But we’ve always looked out for one another. And I appreciate it, but at the same time, I don’t feel like I owe him an explanation if I want to date his best friend.”
Ford nodded and glanced over at me. “I get that. I think we became more protective of one another after we lost Dad.”
He was fucking right. I wasn’t questioning my best friend’s motives to protect his little sister. Hell, I wanted to protect her too. But I also thought he deserved to know what was going on. I wasn’t fucking around with her—I had actual feelings for her. Real feelings. And I wanted him to know. Hell, I wanted everyone to know.
“I think that’s normal. But at some point, you have to make decisions for yourself, and Miles still sees me as a little girl. So, I want to just enjoy this, and I am.” Monroe looked up at me, clasping my hand under the table and smiling. “I want this to be about us, not anyone else.”
Yeah, she kept saying that. But if she felt confident in what we had, she would tell her brother and force him to deal with it. I wasn’t big on secrets, because I didn’t have shit to hide. I was who I was, and I made no excuses. She was asking me to go against that, and I’d do it for a little bit longer before I took matters into my own hands.
“Well, you two sure seemed to be enjoying yourselves when you were making out on the slopes,” Ford said with a smirk. “I don’t know how long you can keep that shit hidden.”
Everyone burst out in laughter and I flipped my brother the bird.
But he was fucking right. We sure were enjoying ourselves.
“This feels so good,” Monroe said, leaning her back against my chest as we settled in the hot bathtub.
“You feel so good,” I said, burying my face in her neck and rubbing my scruff against her soft skin as she giggled.
“I’ve never had sex this much. I mean, I never really cared to.”
I wrapped my arms tighter around her. I hated thinking about her with anyone else. “Really?”
“Nope. I’ve only had two partners before you and neither were anything spectacular. In fact, I sort of hated sex before. My high school boyfriend and I were just inexperienced. I can count on one hand how many times we actually did it. None were anything memorable. Just quick and awkward,” she said, pausing to chuckle. “And Thyme and I had no passion. In hindsight, I hate him a little bit less these days.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because we were just a couple out of convenience, I think. We were too lazy to end it and start over. There was nothing there. And if he and Sage share anything close to what I have with you, I get why he jumped ship. I mean, I would have preferred him to end it before hopping in the coat closet with her, but I get it.”
“Yeah? What do you have with me?” I wanted her to open up. I needed her to trust me enough to do that. That’s when she’d be comfortable telling her brother about us. She still didn’t trust me.
She rolled onto her stomach to look up at me. Her chest settling on mine, her hair was tied up in a knot on her head. “I’m obviously attracted to you—but it’s so much more than that. I don’t know how to put it into words.”
I nodded, brushing the hair that had broken free from her bun away from her gorgeous face. “Do you trust me?”
“Sure.” Her gaze avoided mine.
“Listen, Blue Jay, I get it. You don’t trust easily, and your asshole of an ex didn’t help matters. But I’m not playing here. I’m all in. I like you. Hell, I like you more than I know what to do with. I want to be with you all the time. I’m not going anywhere.”
Her lips turned up in the corners and her ocean eyes were wet with emotion. “I’m not going anywhere either. I’m happy when I’m with you, and I’m not used to that.”
“Yeah? I’m happy when I’m with you too.” I leaned down and kissed her sweet mouth.
“Have you ever been in love before?” she asked abruptly, and I studied her.
“No. Have you?”
“I said it to Thyme. I think I wanted to be in love, because we’d dated for so long, but I never felt it. It’s scary feeling that strong about another person, right?”
“Not really. Not for me. I don’t run from shit like that.”
I knew I loved Monroe Buckley right then and there, but I also knew she wasn’t ready to hear it. She needed to feel it. Believe it. Because I knew she felt the same fucking way about me. But loving someone meant there were risks. There was something to lose. And for the first time in a very long time, I had something to lose. But I didn’t give a shit, because when I wanted something, I fought hard for it. And Monroe was worth the fight.
Thanksgiving morning, I woke up to an empty bed once again. Four mornings in a row, she’d slipped away. I pulled on some pajama bottoms and a T-shirt and made my way down the long hallway. The house was quiet, even as I passed Ford and Harley’s room. The twins were up late, and Monroe and I had taken a shift walking them up and down the hallway a little after midnight to give their parents a break. So hopefully they’d all gotten some sleep.
I came to a halt just outside the kitchen when I heard Monroe whimper as my mom spoke.
“I understand being afraid, sweetheart. That’s only fair. It sounds like you’ve been protecting your heart your whole life. But sometimes you need to take risks to find what you really want,” my mother said, her tone soft and soothing.
Monroe gasped a few times as if she were trying to catch her breath and my instinct was to go to her, but I wanted to give her and my mom this time. Hell, she never fell apart with me. She was always so strong and stoic. I envied my mother for being able to see this side of her.
“I think I’ve spent my whole life avoiding this feeling, you know? And it terrifies me because the loss would be really great if he walked away at this point.”
What the fuck? Was she talking about me?
“Listen, I lost the love of my life, so I understand this more than you know. You lost your mom before you entered the world, so in a way, I think you’ve had a shield around your heart from the time you took your very first breath. I’ve had a shield around mine since the day Ford Senior died. Maybe it’s time we both set them aside and start living, huh?”
A lump formed in my throat. The two most important women in my life were hurting, and I couldn’t fix it. They were more similar in that moment than I’d realized. Both extremely strong and confident, yet tender and vulnerable beneath all that armor. My mother never broke down in front of us, but I’d heard the sobs coming from her bedroom many times since my father’s passing. And Monroe had been born with her armor in place, and her brother and father had worked as a shield most of her life. Setting all of that down and taking a chance on someone was a risk. One I finally understood. That’s why she didn’t want to tell Miles, because she was guarding what we had.
“I’m trying so hard. But I’m terrified. And letting Miles in, or allowing the outside world to chime in, will only add to that, you know? Everyone will try to tell us why we shouldn’t be together, and right now, I just want to be with him. But I know it hurts his feelings that I want to keep it between us for now. But it’s only because I want to protect what we have,” Monroe said through muffled sobs.
“Honey, let me tell you something that I know for certain. My youngest son has a much more tender heart than he lets on, and he is one of the most understanding men I know. What you’re feeling is fair. And you’ll tell your brother when you’re ready.” I glanced around the corner and my chest squeezed. Mom sat on the built-in dining bench with Monroe in her arms as she rubbed her head and patted little circles on her back.
“Thank you for being so understanding.” Monroe pushed to sit up, and I took a step back to give them another moment. I made a promise to myself not to pressure her anymore about telling her brother. She needed time, and I’d give it to her.
“You helped me as much as I helped you. I think we all tend to try to protect ourselves from getting hurt. But the key is, knowing when you can trust someone enough to let your guard down. Maybe we both need to work on that.”
“I will if you will,” Monroe said, swiping at her face and pulling herself together.
“Count on it, sweetheart.”
I came around the corner, just as Monroe stood.
“Good morning, ladies. What did I miss?” I asked.
“Just a little girl talk,” my mother said as her phone chirped and she let us know it was my aunt, before excusing herself to take the call.
Monroe reached for my hand and tugged me down the hall to our room. I pushed the door closed and dropped on the bed beside her. Her eyes were red and puffy, lips chapped, and she looked fucking beautiful.
“You okay?” I asked.
“Yeah. I just had a nice chat with your mom.”
“She’s the best, isn’t she?”
“She is. I just realized what I’ve been missing all these years,” she said with a chuckle, and I wrapped my arms around her and held her close. “I hope I’m just like her with my kids someday.”
My chest squeezed tight. Because I suddenly had a dying need to put as many babies in this woman as she’d allow me to.
Monroe Buckley wasn’t just the first woman that I loved.
She was the only woman I’d ever love.
She was my future.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Monroe
“Pussy, if you don’t get away from my woman, we’re going to have a problem,” Jack said, and I fell back laughing.
His cat had warmed up to him, but when I was over, which was pretty much every day, his kitty favored me. Jack had impressed me the way he’d stepped up as a pet owner. There were toys, litter boxes in two spots in his massive penthouse, and even a holiday-themed collar for Pussy.
I loved this time of year, but this year was even better because I spent my evenings with Jack. Something had shifted in Lake Tahoe, and our relationship was solid. He hadn’t pressured me to speak to my brother again, but I knew it was coming because we’d be seeing Miles over the holidays. It was time. I don’t know why I was afraid to tell him. Maybe saying it aloud made it real? I’d never shared a connection like this with anyone in my life, and I just wanted to protect it. It thrilled me and terrified me all at the same time. I loved Jack in a way I’d never loved anyone, and a part of me feared that the minute I told him those words, the minute I admitted them to my brother—everything would go away.
It was a bit of a pattern in my life.
When you enter the world in darkness, it’s hard to hope for a happily ever after. But for the first time in my life, I felt like I could reach out and touch it. I wanted it. I needed it.
Pussy purred and vibrated as he rubbed the side of his face against my neck before jumping down. Jack flipped me on my back on his couch and settled above me.
“I hate when you work late. Are you hungry?”
“Starving,” I said, running my fingers through his hair.
“What were you working on?” He kissed my neck and my head fell back with a moan.
“Just getting some of the details together for the Labrith party. We have everything lined up with the caterers.”
He tensed, pulling back to look at me. “That fucking party is the bane of my existence.”
“Don’t be so dramatic, Montgomery. I’m going as a caterer. What could go wrong?” I chuckled, but his face remained hard.
“So, many things, Blue Jay. And that scares the shit out of me.”
I turned in his arms and moved to his lap, placing one leg on each side of him. I kissed him hard because I understood his fears. Because I felt it too. I felt it to the very core of my soul. Just like one needed food and water to survive. I needed Jack Montgomery.
“I understand that. That’s why we’ll be extra safe, okay?” I said when I pulled back and watched as his gaze softened. The moon shined i
n through his floor-to-ceiling windows and soft classical music played in the background.
“Okay. Have you talked to your dad about Christmas yet? My mom asked if we preferred to have Christmas Eve or Christmas Day at her house.”
My stomach fluttered and flipped at his words. I wanted to share everything with Jack. But I needed to talk to Miles on my own first.
“Well, I think Christmas Day being your birthday is a must. What if I do Christmas Eve with my family and then share Christmas Day with you?” I stroked his wild dark hair away from his face. I didn’t miss the hurt that filled his gaze and a heavy weight settled in my chest.
“You don’t want to be together on Christmas Eve?”
“Of course, I do. But Miles will be in town, and I figured I would talk to him on my own that night.”
“I don’t know why we can’t do it together.”
I fiddled with the buttons on his dress shirt before looking up to meet his gaze. His handsome face nearly took my breath away as he ran his fingers up and down my back.
“I think it’s best I explain the reason we kept him in the dark. That’s on me, and if he’s angry about it, I want to take responsibility for it.” My stomach wrenched as the thought of making this public terrified me. I didn’t want things to change.
He nodded. “How do you think he’ll take it?”
“I think as long as we’re both happy, he’ll be fine with it. I just don’t want him to put our relationship under a microscope, you know?”
What I wasn’t saying was that I didn’t want Miles, my dad, the whole damn world to put expectations on what Jack and I had. It was human nature to ask what was coming next, and I wanted to stay right here. I didn’t want Jack to feel trapped once Miles knew we were together.
“I can see that head of yours doing it again,” he said, pulling me against him and wrapping his arms around me.
“Doing what?
“Overthinking. You worry too much,” he said, burying his face in my neck.
