by Laura Pavlov
It was Christmas fucking Eve. Thankfully I didn’t need to go to work. Mom was having everyone for dinner, and it was good to be home. I hadn’t spoken to Monroe since storming out of my office yesterday, nor had I heard from Miles. When I’d last seen him, his mouth had gaped open and he’d looked completely shocked by what I’d shared. I’d said my piece and they could do with it what they wanted. I’d admitted that I loved her, and that hadn’t been the way I’d wanted to tell her. I’d planned to tell her when I gave her a Christmas gift. But fuck it. It is what it is. I’d played along with this ridiculous game for too long, and now it was out there. Time to face the fucking music. I’d never lived my life running from things or hiding who I was, and I shouldn’t have allowed it to get this far. But there are firsts for everything. And loving Monroe Buckley was a first for me. And it fucking pissed me off that this was how it had all gone down.
Christmas music played throughout the house, and I made my way out to the kitchen as the scents of pine and cinnamon flooded me. Nobody did Christmas quite like my mother. Every corner, every nook, every tabletop was covered in holiday décor. Reds and greens and angels and elves sat atop every surface. Mom called it our own little holiday wonderland.
I dropped to sit. There was a gaping hole in my chest, which was foreign to me. Like someone had reached in and tore out my heart. An ache that wouldn’t go away no matter how hard I tried to numb it, sleep it off—it was waiting for me the moment I opened my eyes this morning. My mother came to sit with me.
“How do you feel, Jackie boy?”
“Like shit.”
“Language, sweetheart.”
“Okay. Like poop. Better?”
She laughed. “Have you talked to her?”
“No. I laid it all out there, Mom. She needs to come to me. The ball’s in her court,” I said.
She nodded. “I hope she still joins us tomorrow. I told her that her family was welcome to come as well.”
“I’m guessing she won’t come. We haven’t spoken, so it’s unlikely she’ll just show up to Christmas dinner.” I shrugged. “Maybe I’ll start the morning with some coffee, extra Baileys.”
“No. That’s not how we deal with things.” My mother placed her small hand atop mine and patted it a few times. “Don’t numb yourself because you’re hurting, Jack. Feel it. Learn from it. Don’t run from it, sweetheart. You told her how you felt. Trust me, she feels the same. Let her process this.”
“How do you know she feels the same?” I asked, running my hands through my hair.
“Because anyone who sees you two together knows how you both feel. You can’t miss it.” She squeezed my hand and kissed my cheek. “It’s Christmas Eve. Let’s decorate some gingerbread cookies. That sounds much better than getting drunk before noon, doesn’t it?”
Not really.
Not at all, actually.
The thought of getting drunk and sleeping it off sounded a hell of a lot better than drawing faces on cookies I was just going to eat. But I wouldn’t tell her that. “Sure, Mom.”
She brought over a plate of cookies, bags filled with different colored icing and containers of sprinkles. Not really what I felt like doing. But it was Christmas Eve and my mom was the last person I would complain to about my pain. She lived it every day. I could suck it up and do this for her.
We all sat around the dinner table, and my spirits had only worsened as the day went on. Even the babies couldn’t turn my mood around. I was tempted to head back to the city. I wanted to be alone. But I couldn’t do that to my mother. Thankfully, by five o’clock when everyone arrived, she wasn’t micromanaging my beverage intake any longer, and I sucked down several glasses of wine.
“I hate sulky Jack,” Harley said, and everyone remained silent, while my mom covered her smile with her hand.
“I’m not sulking,” I hissed.
“She’s right, Jack-ass. You’re no fun when you’re a sad sack,” Laney Mae said, and my mother finally gave in and chuckled.
“I’m sorry I can’t be your entertainment tonight, ladies. Can a guy not have one off night?”
“That fight yesterday was all the talk in the office. Monroe and Miles left shortly after you, and she looked pretty upset. What went down?”
“I’m sure you heard plenty,” I said, raising a brow at Ford.
“So, Miles knows about the two of you. So what? It’s out there. Now you can date the normal way like the rest of us,” my older brother said.
“Jack told her that he loved her. Well, he told Miles that he loved her, and she heard it.” My mother passed me the basket of bread while she spilled the dirt.
“Thanks for the discretion, Mom.” I rolled my eyes.
“We’re not a secret-keeping family, Jackie boy. You know that.”
“Oh my gosh, you did it, Jack-ass. You told her?” Laney Mae asked, as she set her utensils down and studied me.
“I did. I said it for the first fu…” I paused and motioned for my brother and Harley to earmuff the girls and waited with little patience for them to do so before continuing. “I did it for the first fucking time and I said it to her brother. And guess what she said?”
Harrison and Ford studied me with concern and Laney Mae and Harley were wide-eyed and eager for more and they both spoke at the same time. “What?”
“Nothing. She said nothing. She just cried. So, there you have it. I waited twenty-five years to drop those three little words on the only girl I’ve ever loved, and I got… crickets. Motherfucking crickets. For god’s sake, will you earmuff those babies,” I said, pushing to my feet and pacing the room.
I was angry. I was fucking pissed. And I didn’t want to talk about it at our family Christmas Eve dinner. Especially in front of my two little nieces. But I was about to lose my shit and I didn’t know what to do about it. This is why I would have preferred to be alone.
“Hey,” a voice said from behind me, and I turned around to see Monroe standing there nervously shifting on her feet. “I hope it’s okay that I’m here.”
“Of course, it is, sweetheart,” my mother said as I stood there dumbfounded. She wasn’t supposed to come until tomorrow. Tonight, she was going to be with her family, but seeing as we sort of moved up the conversation she planned to have with Miles, I guess things had changed. “We’re so happy you’re here.”
“I, um, I just needed to do this in person.” She remained on the other side of the large dining room table from where I stood.
“Why don’t we give you two a moment alone,” Harley said, moving to pick up Penelope.
“No. Please. Don’t leave. This is something I need to say in front of all of you. It’s something I should have done a long time ago. It was fear that kept me from being honest about how I felt,” Monroe said, and a tear escaped down her cheek.
It took all I had not to move toward her, but I needed to hear what she had to say. Harley dropped back in her chair and everyone sat in silence.
“You asked me what I wanted from you yesterday before you left. There’s only one thing I want.” She shrugged.
“What’s that, Blue Jay?” I asked.
“I want you to promise to live one minute longer than me so that I never have to exist in a world that you aren’t in.” She covered her mouth with her hand as tears streamed down her face before she continued. “Because I love you so much that it terrifies me and excites me, and I don’t know what to do with that. But I know that I love you, and it only seemed fair to tell you so.”
I made my way around the table, lifting her off the ground and pulling her into my arms. “Thank Christ, because according to everyone here, I’m a sad fucking sack and nobody likes a mopey Jack.”
The table erupted in laughter before they all returned to eating, and I pulled Monroe to the table and insisted she sit on my lap. There was an empty chair beside me, but I wasn’t letting her sit t
hat far from me. Not after spending a night apart, not knowing what would happen. No. I needed her with me. She smiled as I handed her a set of utensils and piled more food on my plate.
“Is everything okay with Miles?” Harrison asked.
“Yes. He wasn’t happy with the way I handled the situation. He feels bad for assuming the worst yesterday, and that’s on me. He understands now. And if it’s still all right, I’d love if my dad and Miles could join me here tomorrow. He’d like to speak to you in person.”
“Of course, they can. We’d love to have them,” my mother said.
“What about Thirsty Thelma?” I asked, as I buried my face in her neck, inhaling all her goodness. Lavender and honey and sweetness.
“It’s been an interesting twenty-four hours.” Monroe shifted on my lap and whispered so only I could hear. Penelope and Everly were putting on a show of shouting gibberish while everyone gaped and clapped, but I focused on my girl. “I’m not the only one who was keeping secrets. Apparently, Dad and Thelma have been sleeping in separate rooms for over six months and he filed for separation after Thanksgiving. That trip was a last-ditch effort to salvage things, and it didn’t work. He said he’s tired of being unhappy and he wants to start living.”
“Can’t say I’m totally shocked. They didn’t go together at all. Good for him. That’s a step in the right direction.”
“Yeah. The three of us stayed up all night talking about things. Why Dad was in a miserable marriage and has been with women who don’t make him happy since Mom passed. Why Miles feels this need to protect me and act like he’s my parent, and why I’m terrified of loving someone the way I love you.”
I studied her beautiful face. “Yeah? What did you conclude?”
She smiled. “Life is messy. The loss of my mother had a profound effect on all of our lives. But in the end, she would want us to live. She would want us to be happy and to love and to make each day count.”
I nodded. There was a lot of that going on here too. “Yeah. It says a lot about someone when their passing affects so many lives, right? We all struggle with grieving my father’s death to this day. But I know he’s looking down on us and happy that we’re moving forward. One day at a time.”
Grief was a bitter pill to swallow. It didn’t come with a manual and it didn’t take vacations. Monroe and I had each faced our own profound losses in our lives. And what I’d learned was that though we’d both been affected by the deaths of our parents—in a way they’d led us to one another. Neither of us had allowed ourselves to let our guards down with anyone else before now; yet somehow we’d been able to do it for one another. The one that mattered. I’d like to think my father had a role in leading me here.
She settled back against me and I wrapped my arms around her. “You’re exactly right.”
“Glad you’re here, Little Bird.”
“Me too.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
Monroe
Christmas with the Montgomerys was better than I could have ever imagined. Monica was the epitome of what a mother should be. She made everything magical, and I reveled in it. Their family had also survived the loss of a man who meant the world to all of them, but she was moving forward, and they all followed her lead.
I’d spent the night there after dinner, and we all stayed up late talking and laughing. Christmas morning was everything it should be. Family and food and celebration. The twins were still too young to know what was going on, but we all sat around passing out gifts.
There was thought in every present I received, and it warmed my heart the way they’d all embraced me. Monica had given me a framed photograph of Jack and me that she’d taken in Lake Tahoe. It was a candid shot, and it captured us brilliantly. I cherished it. He had me on his lap and my head was tipped back in laughter as he looked down at me like I set the sun. I fought back tears as I stared at the photograph in a gorgeous silver frame.
“I love this. Thank you so much.” I hugged her tight.
She’d given Harley, Laney Mae, and me all matching charm bracelets as well, and it meant the world to me that she treated me like I was part of the family.
It was also Jack’s birthday, and everyone doubled up on his gifts. He received sweaters and boots and photographs of himself and the twins. I’d given him a luxurious robe and matching slippers, as taking baths together had kind of become our thing. He gave me a beautiful pair of pearl earrings and a framed picture of me, him, and Pussy that he’d taken on his phone. It was placed in a frame that said: family. My heart raced when I opened it. I didn’t feel the need to run this time—but I had the strongest desire to stay. Exactly where I was.
With him.
Laney Mae and Harrison went back to their house to shower while Ford, Harley, and the girls went out to the guesthouse to get ready. Jack and I went to his room to take a bath.
“So, you know last night we didn’t get to have any time alone, so you haven’t gotten to see me naked yet,” he said, pinning my back to the wall in the large bathroom.
I laughed. “Yep. It was torture.”
“Well, there was a reason for that. I was hiding a little something for you. I have one more present to give you. I did a little thing yesterday before I left the city.” He tore his shirt over his head.
His chest was covered with a white piece of gauze over his heart and I reached for it. “Oh my gosh, what happened?”
“Relax. It’s a gift for both of us.” He peeled off the gauze, and a gorgeous tattoo of a blue jay was inked over his heart. Indigo blue and pops of gold and orange shaded the wings. It was stunning.
“Oh my gosh. I can’t believe you did that.”
“Yeah. Yesterday was rough. But I knew whether you came around or not it didn’t really matter. My heart was yours. It was up to you what you did with it.”
I covered my mouth with my hands as tears streamed down my face. How had I gotten so lucky to be loved by this man? It didn’t matter. I was done questioning it. I was going to enjoy it. Revel in it.
“I’m sorry I put you in that position. Miles wasn’t happy with me. He feels really bad for assuming the worst. You know he loves you like a brother, right?”
“I’m not upset with him. I was pissed at you,” he said, raising a brow. “You’re the first woman I’ve ever said those words to. And I fucking mean them. I love you so much, Blue Jay.”
“I love you, too.”
He dropped to sit on the bed and tugged me toward him. I moved to sit on his lap, one leg on each side as I straddled him.
“Fear can be all-consuming. I’m sorry I put you through that,” I said.
“Well, seeing as you did put me through a bit of hell, maybe you’ll consider not going to the Labrith party to make up for it.” His voice was all tease, but I didn’t miss the serious look in his gaze.
“Isn’t announcing my love for you in front of your entire family enough to make up for it?” I chuckled as my lips grazed his.
“I just got you to finally admit you’re mine. I don’t want to lose you.” He flipped me on my back and settled above me.
“I’m not going anywhere, I promise.” I reached up to trace the edge of the little blue jay on his chest. No one had ever done such a grand gesture for me.
“And if your ex-boyfriend reaches out to you, I want to know about it.”
“Deal. I did respond to him yesterday because he continued blowing up my phone asking if I’d received the flowers. I told him that I was not only dating you but that I was in love with you and that he was going to be blocked from contacting me any further.”
His lips turned up in the corners. “Such a pesky little herb. You do realize you told your ex-boyfriend you loved me before you told me.”
I laughed. “Well, you told my brother you loved me before you told me, so we’re even.”
My phone vibrated on the bed and I reache
d for it, pausing to read the text.
“Come on, lover boy. My dad and Miles are on their way in from the city. We need to get dressed.” I stood and tugged him to his feet.
“Shower first?” he said, walking behind me and leading me to the bathroom.
“Well, we do have to look presentable.” I giggled as he tugged the pajama shirt over my head and dropped his joggers to the floor, standing there naked and looking like a piece of art.
A girl could definitely get used to starting her day this way.
When my father and Miles arrived, I ran outside to greet them. They had a bag of gifts in tow.
Jack stood in the doorway and Miles beelined toward him. “I’m sorry for jumping to conclusions, brother. Didn’t want to say it in a text. Wanted to tell you in person. I was a fucking idiot and I’m sorry. I know you better than that. Can’t think of a better person to date my sister,” Miles said, and Jack pulled him in for a hug.
“I get it, man. Sorry for lying to you for so long.”
“Trust me, Monroe explained everything, and she’s very persuasive when she wants something, so I get why you did it,” Miles said.
Men were so different. They didn’t hold on to things. These two were already over it and acting like nothing had happened. Jack shook my father’s hand and Dad pulled him in for a hug. My father seemed lighter now. I think he was making positive changes and I couldn’t be happier about it.
We all gathered around the large table for an amazing spread of ham and turkey and more sides than one could count. Monica winked at me as I took it in.
“There are a few extra sides for our vegetarian this year,” she said, and I bit down on my bottom lip to keep from crying. It was ridiculous really, but the way she cared for me was something I’d always craved.
I realized in that moment, as everyone chatted and laughed around the table that the gaping hole I’d always felt in my chest was no longer there. Jack had somehow filled it. He’d completed me in a way I couldn’t explain. He made me feel whole. And his family just added to it with all their warmth, acting as if I belonged there.
