“Jisu-ya, listen to me. You’re going to get into the perfect school for you and you will be so much happier there than at some stuffy Ivy that you don’t like that much.”
“Eunice, you’ve been an accepted Yale student for like two seconds. You really don’t need to trash-talk your own school for my sake.”
The girls laughed. Eunice updated Jisu on all the Daewon gossip, primarily about who was now dating whom and which students had already gotten early acceptances to which schools. By the time they hung up, Jisu wanted to call Eunice back up again to chat with her for several more hours. Talking to Euni had made her feel more secure. The storm of anxiety that had been growing in her stomach had settled. For now. The waves of anxiety were prone to wash ashore anytime. She didn’t know when they would hit her, but they would come back.
JANUARY 13, SAN FRANCISCO
DATE NO. 20
NAME: Kim Taehoon
* * *
ROLE MODELS: James Bond, Lee Minho
* * *
GOALS:
National Intelligence Service Investigator
* * *
TaeHOON: I can’t believe they managed to get all these huge actors to be in one movie.
Jisu: I know! I’m so excited. This is the exact movie I’m in the mood to watch right now. Actually...Taehoon?
TaeHOON: What’s up?
Jisu: I’ve had a hell of a day. I just got my first college rejection. And my best friend got into the school that rejected me.
TaeHOON: Shoot, that sucks. I’m sorry. Which school was it? Actually, you know what, you don’t even have to tell me.
Jisu: Yeah, and to be honest, I’m not really all that into dating and seons right now. I just want to ignore my phone for two hours and take a break from everything.
TaeHOON: Totally get it. School’s driving me nuts, too. And I don’t really care much about these blind dates. We’re on the same page. Let’s just watch the movie.
Jisu: Sweet. Which aisle are we?
TaeHOON: Aisle G—right here.
Jisu: Can you pass the popcorn?
TaeHOON: Yup—and I’m going to take some of those M&M’S.
Jisu: Ooh, great, we didn’t miss the previews. I love the previews.
21
It was unofficial Wick tradition for all the seniors to make their way to Ocean Beach and huddle by a bonfire on the first long weekend of the year. Everyone drove to the beach in their hoodies, with their warmest blankets, to reminisce on the last four years they had spent together.
“I really don’t see why I should go. I’ve only been going to Wick for a few months. I’m not really emotionally involved,” Jisu said to Hiba as she fastened her seat belt.
She hadn’t planned to go, but Hiba had pulled up to the Murrays’ driveway and didn’t stop honking until Jisu came outside.
“But you’re still a senior at Wick. And it’s not like you haven’t made friends. Everyone’s going to be there.”
Hiba knew that there wouldn’t be much for Jisu to reminisce about, but ever since the rejection from Yale, a dark cloud lingered over Jisu’s head and refused to go away. She needed to get out of the house and get her mind off college.
The girls pulled up to Ocean Beach just as the sun was setting. The beach stretched on uninterrupted for miles. The wide expanse was so overwhelming, it felt like a tiny gust of wind would be enough to send someone hurtling several feet across the sand.
There was already a fire going and groups of people huddled around. The night sky quickly took over as Hiba and Jisu walked over from the parking lot to the sand.
“Jisu, you made it!” Jamie said as she flung her arms around her.
“We thought you weren’t coming!” Tiffany joined in on the hug also.
“Hiba made me.” Jisu shrugged. “I probably shouldn’t even be here? I’m just going to be like an observer from the outside.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Jamie said. “Some people were already asking if you were coming.”
Jisu wanted to ask Jamie who specifically. She wondered if maybe Austin had asked about her. But she searched the crowd and didn’t see him. It wasn’t surprising. Austin either ran events like these or thought he was too good to be at them. If he wasn’t making a show of tackling one of his buddies into the sand or handing out cans of cheap beer that somebody’s older sibling got for them, he was probably off somewhere else, doing his own thing.
Jisu wandered toward the water. People were passing around old yearbooks and fawning over what they’d looked like years ago. The sight of the Pacific Ocean made Jisu emotional, the way it always did. She couldn’t not think of Seoul when she stared out into the sea. Jisu took her flats off and dipped her feet in the water as the waves crashed and inched toward her. The cold sent a shock up her spine. Jisu walked back to the group with her shoes in her hand.
“Did anyone bring extra blankets?” Tiffany asked. “We’re running out of space.”
“Oh, I brought one but I forgot it in my car,” Hiba said. She was sitting right next to the bonfire and busy making s’mores with some of the others.
“I’ll go and grab it,” Jisu volunteered. Hiba tossed her the keys.
It was pitch-black by the time Jisu made the short walk over to the parking lot. There were no streetlights, just the full moon in the cloudless sky lighting the way. Jisu unlocked Hiba’s door and searched the back seat for the blanket. It was so dark, it felt more effective for her to search with her hands.
She didn’t know what made her look up. But when she did, she saw them through the back window. First she recognized his car. It was parked, and Austin was in the driver’s seat. He was talking to whoever was in the passenger seat. Jisu couldn’t make out her face from the angle she was crouched at. But she instantly recognized the situation for what it was. She knew it because, only a few weeks before, she had been that girl in the passenger seat, having a heart-to-heart with Austin.
Even in the dim light, Jisu could see and practically recite whatever line he was using on this girl. I like you. I really like you. Who was she anyway? Jisu leaned closer to the back-seat window and peered out of Hiba’s car. She was no longer concerned with finding the blanket. She arched her head sideways to get a better look at the girl, but it was too dark to tell.
Who is she?
He put his hands on the girl’s face and slid them down her neck. And then he went in for the kill. Jisu looked away and curled her knees to her chest. It was like a surreal out-of-body experience to watch someone else fall into the very trap you’d once fallen for.
It felt like someone had just gutted her. Heat rose to her face. She had to get out. She grabbed the wool blanket beneath her feet and jumped out of the car. She slammed the car door hard.
A little too hard.
From the corner of her eye, she saw the two of them turn. Jisu immediately regretted letting her anger get to her. She looked up and locked eyes with Austin. Kaylee was sitting next to him in the passenger seat.
Kaylee. Of all people.
Apparently, Jisu’s approach to play it cool with Austin had driven him straight to the clingiest person he could find. It was a mistake. It was all a mistake. Jisu had never wanted to come to Ocean Beach in the first place. She’d never wanted to get tangled in Austin’s web. She’d never even wanted to go to Wick. She’d never wanted to leave Seoul.
Jisu ran from the parking lot and onto the beach as quickly as she could. She just wanted to go home. She could hear Austin behind her and tried to walk in the sand as fast as she could, but he caught up with her.
“Whoa, hey. Slow down!” He reached out to her.
Jisu recoiled at his touch. She swiftly turned to face him.
“I thought you said Kaylee was clingy and annoying.”
“Why does that matter? You’re the one dating every Korean dude in town.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Your blind dates. With the sons of power lawyers and execs or whatever. I heard Tiffany talk about them.”
Was this why Austin was hot one second and cold the next? Did he think she was making power moves on him? It hadn’t even crossed her mind to disclose the seons to him. They were just another chore assigned by her parents and all the guys ended up being her friends or people she never spoke to again.
“The seons? That’s different. Those aren’t really dates like—it’s not the same as—”
“It’s not any different and you know it,” Austin said with brazen confidence.
He wasn’t wrong, but he wasn’t right either. Austin couldn’t make Jisu feel like they were both playing games when he was the only person acting with that intent. Austin was affectionate, sure. He held her hand and told her he missed her, and every time he did, it made her insides do flips and jumping jacks. But he had kept her around as an option and quickly moved on when another interested party appeared. Jisu had wanted Austin and only Austin. She shook underneath her sweater. Her grip on the blanket grew tighter and she clenched her jaw as she glared at Austin. She clutched at her chest defensively—it felt like someone had knocked the wind out of her lungs. Like she had just sprinted several miles to reach this realization.
“You’re mad at me,” Austin said, his tone a touch softer now. But Jisu wasn’t having it.
“I’m not mad at you,” she said. “I’m mad at myself for wasting my time with you.”
Jisu stormed toward the bonfire. She kicked her feet in the sand with each step.
“Yay, Jisu’s here with the blanket—”
“Hiba, we have to leave,” Jisu said sternly. “Now. Please.”
Hiba seemed to read the panic and anger on Jisu’s face and got up immediately, without questioning. Austin was still standing by the beach entrance.
“C’mon, Jisu,” he said with that cocky look on his face. Like he thought he could smooth things over. But Jisu stared icily ahead as they walked past him. Hiba glanced at them both. The tension was impossible to ignore. She probably had a million questions for Jisu, but now was not the time. Hiba charged forward and led Jisu away.
Jisu thought of Mandy’s magazines and all the stupid rules. “Signs Your Situationship is Turning into a Relationship.”
You’re always trying something new together.
You laugh a lot. He walks you home.
He texts you often.
He introduces you to his family.
All those stupid quizzes, rules and margins. It was all so unnecessarily complicated, and it didn’t have to be so complex. If two people found that they liked each other, why couldn’t they simply be together? Who dictated these inane rules, and who decided to go along with them?
“So, want me to drop you off at home?” Hiba asked.
“Yeah. Please,” Jisu whispered.
She pulled her hoodie over her head and stared out the window, thinking about the girls who’d come before her and the girls who would come after both her and Kaylee. There were some things that you shouldn’t take on and then discard on a whim. At least with the seons, she knew what was on the table. Nobody was hiding a secret hand. If anything, the entire business of seons was a little too candid. But it was better than dealing with this. What was the point of involving real emotions? It only made a mess. An ugly, unbearable mess.
JANUARY 24, SAN FRANCISCO
DATE NO. 21
NAME: Song Alan
* * *
INTERESTS:
Young Musicians Orchestra, Policy Research Institute, Pre-Medicine Club
* * *
Parent Occupations:
Luxury hotel chain owners
* * *
Jisu: Nearly every seon I’ve been on in Seoul was at a fancy hotel and everything in America has been super casual. This is the first time I’ve been to a hotel in San Francisco. I thought you guys were all low-key!
ALAN: I actually am low-key...it’s just my parents who aren’t. They own this hotel and think it’s a good way to show off and impress my dates.
Jisu: Well, it’s really nice. And very tasteful. I’m sure it makes a great impression.
ALAN: Ha. So far, the reactions have been all good.
Jisu: All right, let’s cut to the chase. Were you born and raised in the Bay Area? Which high school do you go to? What’s your dream college? What do you want to study—
ALAN: Whoa, whoa. Let’s take it one step at a time.
Jisu: Eh, might as well get it all out and over with, right?
ALAN: I don’t think I really get what you mean...
Jisu: Okay, I’ll just go first. My full name is Jisu Kim. I moved to the Bay Area last fall for my senior cram year at Wick.
ALAN: Nice. How do you like San Francisco so far?
Jisu: It’s beautiful. Definitely a different vibe than Seoul in a million ways, but mostly I like how chill everyone is. And I love how close I am to the ocean.
ALAN: Yeah, I have some family in Korea. It’s so much fun when I go there—it feels like ten times more of a busy city than San Francisco does. There’s just so much going on all the time there.
Jisu: What do you do outside of school?
ALAN: I’m in my school orchestra. I play the trumpet.
Jisu: Trumpet, nice. I don’t play any instruments. Mostly spend my time with my cameras.
ALAN: Photography—that’s cool!
Jisu: I like it. It’s fine. Have you gotten accepted into any colleges yet?
ALAN: No, playing the waiting game, just like everyone else. I don’t have a dream school that I’ve been dying to go to my whole life—unlike some other people at my school—so I just sent applications out to a handful of places.
Jisu: I submitted applications to ten schools. I’ve already gotten rejected by one, which probably takes me down a notch as an ideal client for Ms. Moon, but still waiting to hear from others. What do you want to study in college?
ALAN: Jisu...
Jisu: Yes?
ALAN: Is it just me or does it feel like we’re checking off a list of first-date questions...?
Jisu: Isn’t that the point of all this? Of all of these seons?
ALAN: We could also actually get to know each other... It doesn’t have to feel like a job interview.
Jisu: Really, because sending Ms. Moon my résumé and waiting for her to accept me as a client—none of that feels like a job interview. I don’t know how many seons you’ve been on so far, but you should know that it’s all business. Everyone’s doing it just to make the most lucrative business transaction they can get.
ALAN: Cynic.
Jisu: Excuse me?
ALAN: You’re a cynic. That’s what it should’ve said on your one-sheet under About Me.
Jisu: You actually read those things? They’re useless fluff.
ALAN: Did you really just scoff at me?
Jisu: No, I didn’t.
ALAN: Yes, you did.
Jisu: I’m just being honest.
ALAN: No, Jisu. You’re being rude.
Jisu: Excuse me?
ALAN: Yes. You’re being rude. Look. I’m not naive about the purpose of these dates. All of our parents want us to find the ideal match within the same income bracket. I get it. It’s shallow. But you’ve got an awful attitude and you’re making an already not-ideal situation worse. I don’t know if you just went on one really bad seon or if you parents made you split up with someone you like—
Jisu: That’s none of your business. And neither of those things happened.
ALAN: Well, whatever. I know it’s none of my business and I honestly don’t care. But you shouldn’t be rude to someone, even if you don’t like them.
Jisu: Whatever...
ALAN: No, not whatever. I don’t
care if you think you’re above this. You can still have some basic human decency.
Jisu: I don’t think I’m above this. I’m not above anything. It’s just...
ALAN: What? You can tell me.
Jisu: I hate the transparency of all this. People are always sizing each other up anyway. Why do we have to hire Ms. Moon and be so blatant about it? And also...
ALAN: And also?
Jisu: I’m sick of going on seons with strangers and people I barely know. Meanwhile, in real life, I get strung along by someone I actually know and like... You know what? Never mind... You don’t want to hear any of this.
ALAN: Honestly? I gotta say it’s the least unpleasant part of this whole date so far.
Jisu: Ugh, you’re right. I am going through a bit of a rough patch.
ALAN: These seons can really suck. And bring out the worst in everyone.
Jisu: Wow, you really think I’m that awful?
ALAN: I wouldn’t say awful.
Jisu: You literally told me my attitude was awful.
ALAN: I got a little heated, yes.
Jisu: I’m sorry, Alan. For being such a grouch. These dates are so much more stressful than you think they’re gonna be.
ALAN: I know, it’s like dating and standardized testing combined. You have to have all the correct answers to get the best score.
Jisu: Yeah...
ALAN: Don’t take it all too seriously. It’s not that serious.
Jisu: Easier said than done, Alan. But you’re right.
22
“So...you want to tell me what happened back there?” Hiba finally asked.
They were halfway back to the Murrays’, and Jisu had been quiet the whole time. She replayed every moment she’d spent with Austin in the past few months and searched her memory for any incriminating evidence. But it was useless. His routine was well oiled and perfected over time. He had done nothing wrong. At least technically he hadn’t. The player always came out unscathed. It was only the unsuspecting victim who was left in shambles.
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