by Louise Hall
He deepened the kiss, tightening his fingers in her hair, tilting her head back so that he could devour those perfect, pure lips. Cate tugged at the front of his gown and at first he thought she wanted more. This was something he could do.
“Stop, please,” Cate sobbed when he allowed her to draw breath. He froze; his lips just barely touching her throat.
Cate wriggled free from his grasp and jumped off the bed again. She backed away from him, her fingers touching her bloodied, swollen lips.
“Angel, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s OK.” The pain in his ribs was nothing compared to how he felt as he watched Cate retreat from him again. Why the fuck couldn’t he stop hurting her?
Just that one, single phone call had turned his world upside down. He knew that he was turning into a monster but he was helpless to do anything about it.
Doctor Reynolds came into the room and Kian couldn’t help but notice how Cate quickly reached up and wiped away the blood on her lip with her sleeve.
That was what he hated the most; not that he was turning into a monster but that he was turning Cate into his victim.
They were going to discharge him later that day. Reynolds started talking to Cate about his recovery. “You can tell me that shit,” Kian snarled, “Cate won’t be there. I’ll be staying at a hotel.”
“No,” Cate’s big, black eyes flashed with anger.
Reynolds looked embarrassed but Kian didn’t give a fuck. This was about protecting Cate and the children from any more hurt.
“I wasn’t asking for your opinion, Cate.” He hated how she flinched when he said her name instead of calling her “angel”.
“Neither was I,” Cate fumed. If it hadn’t been against him, he would have been in absolute awe of the grit and determination he saw in his wife. “You’re my husband and you’re hurt, there is no freaking way I’m going to let you stay in a hotel all by yourself. The way I see it, you’ve got two choices; either you can agree to come home with me and I’ll take care of you or if you want to be a stubborn jerk and stay in a hotel, I’m coming with you and I’m bringing Nate and the children. So you’d better make it a freaking big one because the six of us in a confined space is going to get really old, really fast.”
“You’re impossible,” Kian grunted.
“Like you wouldn’t do the exact same thing for me,” Cate scowled. “Except of course that I wouldn’t be acting like a complete idiot to start with.”
Kian looked across at Reynolds, “can you give us a minute?”
“Of course.”
“I’m not acting like a fucking idiot,” Kian gritted his teeth. “I’m trying to protect you.”
“From what?” Cate wanted to scream with frustration.
When Kian didn’t answer, Cate couldn’t believe it. “From you? Oh my goodness, do you seriously still think that you’ve got to protect me and the children from you?”
Kian grabbed her wrist and tugged her towards him, “you fucking know I have.”
Bile rose up the back of his throat at what he was about to do but he needed her to see what a monster he was, that she shouldn’t want him anywhere near their family.
He pushed her t-shirt up until it was bunched up around her collarbone, exposing her blush-coloured bra.
“What are you doing?” Cate tried to pull away.
“Look at those,” Kian gestured to the teeth marks around her belly button and the bruising between her breasts, which was visible through her bra. He gripped the hem of her skirt and lifted it up until he could see the handprints marking her inner thighs. “Look at those, Cate and tell me that I’m not a monster.”
She reached up and put her hands on his cheeks, “you’re not a monster, Kian.”
“I hurt you, Cate.”
She reached for his hand and put it on her inner thigh. “You didn’t give these marks to me in anger, Kian. Do you remember what happened that night?”
“Of course I fucking remember.”
“I’m not talking about what happened the next morning; I’m talking about when we got back to the Chatsfield after that fancy dinner at Labyrinth. When you put your hands right here on my thighs and held me open for you, you weren’t trying to hurt me. It was the exact opposite actually. You wanted to make me feel as good as possible and you did.” Cate looked up at him, desperately needing him to see the truth in her eyes. “I came so hard for you that I saw stars.”
She moved his hand up from her inner thigh to the teeth marks around her belly button. “And then you did it again. You were so hard, I could feel your hips grinding into the mattress but you were so fiercely determined that I was going to come again before you allowed yourself to make love to me. You put my pleasure before yours. Those aren’t the actions of a monster, Kian.”
Kian shook his head, “a better man would have made you come like that without hurting you.”
“No, they wouldn’t,” Cate insisted. “I like it when you gently make love to me, when you touch me as if I’m the most precious thing in the world but I also like it just as much when you take me roughly, when your lips and your hands leave their marks on my skin. I like that slight twinge between my legs when I move the next day, which reminds me how well you loved me the night before. If anybody is the monster here, maybe it’s me.”
“You’re my angel,” Kian reached up and touched the tip of his finger to the bruise between her breasts. “You could never be a monster.”
He reached up under her skirt and gently cupped her buttock. “The marks on your thighs and tummy might not have come from anger but these did.”
“You made a mistake, that’s all,” Cate closed her eyes as he leaned forward and kissed the crevice between her breasts.
Kian looked up at her, “a mistake that neither you nor I can guarantee won’t happen again.”
“I can if you’ll just tell me who you thought I was when I touched you in the shower?”
Kian dropped his hands from her skin, “I can’t, Cate.”
Reynolds came back into the room. “So what’s it going to be?” he rubbed his hands together, “because I’m not sure I’m comfortable discharging you today if you haven’t got anybody who can take care of you. You’ve still got three broken ribs, son.”
“Don’t call me that,” Kian gritted his teeth.
Cate pleaded with him, “let me take you home.”
“I don’t know if I can trust myself…”
He’d always been her protector but in that moment, she could see how absolutely terrified he was. She didn’t know what demons he was fighting but she knew without a shadow of a doubt that she wanted to be right there with him; his greatest weapon and toughest shield. “You don’t have to,” she spoke quietly so that only he could hear her. “All I’m asking is that you trust me. Please.”
Kian slumped, “you win, Cate. I’ll come home with you, OK?”
Before she turned around to face Reynolds again, she quickly wiped the tears from her eyes. “No, absolutely nothing about this whole situation is OK.”
“Daddy!” Sierra skidded to a halt in front of them. Nate had obviously told them when he’d picked them up from school that afternoon that they needed to be careful around Kian. “Are you OK?”
“I’ve just got some bumps and bruises, that’s all,” Kian smiled. It wasn’t as broad as his usual smiles but Cate could tell that it was genuine. He was such a good father. “Did you have a good day at school, baby girl?”
“It was OK,” Sierra shrugged. “It’s Taco Tuesday but we couldn’t have tacos because the lady that delivers them got into an accident like you Daddy so we had mac and cheese instead.”
She clambered up on to the sofa next to him. “I’m glad you’re back from L.A. I missed you.”
“I missed you too, sweetheart.”
“What about you, buddy?” Kian asked Mateo. “How was your science quiz?” They’d promised all three children that if they did well in school that year that they’d take them on a family tr
ip to Florida in the summer and Mateo was really excited about the marine park there.
“I got 98%” Mateo frowned. He was such a perfectionist. “But it’s OK because I don’t want to go to the marine park anyway.”
“Mats, 98% is amazing. I’m so proud of you, buddy. Why don’t you want to go to the marine park anymore?”
“I watched this documentary last week about orcas and how they treat them in those amusement parks and it was really horrible, Dad.”
Cate’s cell-phone rang and when she looked at the caller ID, it was Ben. She’d asked Bram to let him know that Kian had been in a car accident.
As she was walking out of the lounge, she noticed that Lola was still hanging back. “What’s wrong, sweetie?”
“Nothing,” Lola shook her head. “I’m going to go upstairs. I’ve got lots of homework.”
“Lo,” Cate put a hand on her arm, “he’s OK.”
“I know.”
She let her go and walked into the empty kitchen to return Ben’s call. “Cate? I’ve been trying to call you all day. Bram said that Kian was in a car accident. Is he OK?”
“We just got back from the hospital,” Cate sighed. He wasn’t OK but that was between him and Cate so she focused on his physical injuries. “He’s got three broken ribs but he’s OK.”
“Thank God for that,” Ben sounded so relieved. “Were you at the hospital by yourself all night? You should have called me.”
“It’s fine. There was nothing you could have done.”
“I could have come and sat with you. I know how horrible it is waiting like that.” Before they’d had Oliver, he and Erin had suffered through a number of late-term miscarriages and so he’d spent several nights in hospital waiting rooms.
“I appreciate the offer but it was OK, really.”
“What about now?” Ben asked. “Do you guys need anything?”
She knew that Ben was only trying to help but she was so exhausted; she hadn’t slept much the previous night. “No, thanks for the offer but we’re good.”
“Will you tell him that I don’t want him to even think about coming back to work until he’s fully healed, OK? Anna and I can handle things here. I know what he’s like.”
“I’ll tell him,” Cate stifled a yawn. “Thanks, Ben.”
“For what?” he scoffed, “I haven’t done anything.”
“Just for being you.” He’d always been one of the most uncomplicated people in her life and she really needed that right now.
“Are you sure Kian’s really OK?” Ben sounded suspicious, “because you sounded very unlike my sister just then?”
“Yes, he’s OK,” Cate rested her elbows on the kitchen counter, “I’m just really freaking tired.”
“OK,” Ben laughed, “I’ll call you tomorrow but in the meantime, if you think of anything you need, anything at all, just let me know.”
“Will do.”
Lola didn’t join them for dinner that night; she said she had a project to finish for school. After she’d got Kian settled upstairs in their bedroom, she took Lola a sandwich and a glass of milk. Nate had offered to handle the bedtime routines for Mateo and Sierra.
“I’m not hungry,” Lola pushed the plate to the edge of her desk.
Cate pushed it right back, “you’ve got to eat something, sweetheart. You missed dinner.”
“I’ve got to finish this project for school, it’s important.”
“OK,” Cate sat down on the end of Lola’s bed. “When is it due? Can I help you at all?”
“No, it’s fine. I’ve got it covered.”
“I think that ‘fine’ is my least favourite four-letter word.”
“Ha,” Lola scoffed, “you should talk.”
“What did you say?”
“Nothing.”
“Will you please turn around, sweetheart? I don’t like trying to have a conversation with your back.”
“It’s not my fault you chose to sit there.”
Cate got up and knelt down at the side of Lola’s desk. “What’s the matter? I thought you’d be pleased that Dad’s home but you’ve hardly said two words to him all night.”
“Yes because he’s not Dad,” Lola snapped.
“What do you mean?”
“Just forget about it, OK. Like you keep saying, everything’s fine.” She got up from the desk and walked over to her bedroom door. “I’m done with my project. I want to go to sleep now.”
“Lola?”
“Ugh,” Lola cried with frustration, “everything is not fine, Mum. Dad isn’t Dad. I don’t believe you that he was on a business trip in L.A. this weekend and I don’t believe you that he was in a car accident. I think that you’re lying to me and everybody else.”
“Sweetheart.” She took a step back into the corridor and Lola quickly slammed the door.
She tried knocking on the door but Lola yelled “leave me alone”.
“Is everything OK?” Nate asked, putting his hand on Cate’s shoulder.
“Yeah, just the usual teenage girl stuff, you know?” She forced herself to smile, “did Mats and Sierra get off to sleep OK?”
“Yeah,” Nate checked his watch, “I might go to the gym for a couple of hours.”
“OK, I’ll see you tomorrow then.”
When she walked into their bedroom, Kian was sat in a chair by the glass doors, which led from their bedroom onto the balcony overlooking Puget Sound. He was staring out at the Sound and Cate got the uncomfortable feeling that he’d rather be anywhere else right now than at home with his family. She thought about the orcas in the documentary Mats had been talking about and how they’d looked so sad in their small, concrete pools. Kian looked like that. He was looking through the glass like he was a wild animal who’d been captured and locked in a cage. Maybe she should have let him check into a hotel for a couple of nights?
But if she’d done that, if she’d let him push her away again, she had a feeling that it would have been the death knell for their marriage.
She got changed into her pyjamas and pulled back the covers of their bed, the place that had been their sanctuary for so many years. “Will you come to bed?”
She felt like if she could just hold him, maybe she could break through the barriers he’d erected between them.
He turned around for a moment. His gaze dropped to her lip which was still a little swollen. He looked like he was in so much pain.
“Are your ribs hurting? Do you want me to get you some more painkillers?”
Kian went back to looking at the Sound again. “No, I’m OK. I think I’m just going to sit here for a while.”
Cate turned on her side and watched him for a few minutes. His eyes were focused on Puget Sound but she wasn’t sure that he was actually seeing it.
Wednesday February 20th
When she woke up the next morning, she was on her own but the sheets behind her were still warm and she had a feeling that at some point during the night, Kian had joined her in bed.
She found him fast asleep in the guest bedroom. He looked so at peace. When he was awake, it was almost as though she could see the ferocious storm raging inside of him. That blessed peace was what she wanted most for him right now. She tried not to disturb him as she tiptoed back out of the room and closed the door.
“Dad’s in there, isn’t he?” Lola’s voice made her jump.
“Please keep your voice down,” Cate guided them further down the hallway; “he’s trying to sleep.”
Lola shrugged her arm free from Cate’s grasp. “Why is Dad in the guest room? What’s going on, Mum?”
“He’s got three broken ribs, Lo. I didn’t want to turn over in the middle of the night and accidentally hurt him, that’s all.”
“Yeah, right,” Lola scoffed. “You’re such a liar.”
“Hey,” Cate put her hands on her hips. She struggled to control her anger. “I’m your mum. You do not talk to me like that. I want you to apologise to me right now.”
“That’s the p
roblem,” Lola snapped. “I can’t talk to you at all. All I get is fucking fine.”
“Mommy,” Sierra was watching them from the bathroom doorway, “Lola said a bad word.”
“Go back to your room, Sierra,” Cate steeled herself. She was frighteningly angry.
“But I didn’t do anything wrong,” Sierra pouted. “Lola was the one who said the bad word.”
“Now!”
“You’re horrible,” Sierra yelled, “I want my daddy.”
“Ha,” Lola snarled. “Good luck finding him.”
“What’s going on?” Mateo stumbled out of his bedroom, bleary-eyed. “Why is everybody yelling?”
“We’re having a family time out,” Cate hissed. “Everybody go to their rooms right now.”
“This family is so weird,” Mats shrugged and closed his bedroom door.
“This is all your fault,” Sierra grumbled to Lola.
“You don’t know anything,” Lola hissed right back. “You still believe in…”
Cate cut her off, “if you say another word Lola, I swear to goodness that whatever punishment I was thinking of before I will triple it, do you understand me?”
“Fine,” Lola slammed her bedroom door so hard it felt like the whole house shook.
“Fine,” Sierra mimicked her sister, slamming her own door.
Cate walked into her empty bedroom and flung herself face down on the bed. “Fuck!” she shouted, pounding her fists into the mattress until her arms ached and she could barely breathe.
The word felt horribly bitter in her mouth. She’d only ever used it twice before. The first time was on New Years’ Eve when Kian had tried to get her to come home with him. She’d left him on Boxing Day after she’d found out that he’d cheated on her with one of his sister’s friends. On New Years’ Eve, she’d fallen asleep in front of her computer while Googling divorce lawyers and when she’d woken up, he was carrying her out to his car. The 2nd time was when she’d gone into labour with Mateo in the 1st floor bathroom at her mum’s house while Kian and the rest of her family were having lunch downstairs.
After she’d eventually composed herself, she got up off the bed and tidied the sheets. She splashed her face with cold water and tied her inky-black hair up in a smooth ponytail. It felt like she was putting on armour.
