by Louise Hall
Eric came back out on the porch. “He doesn’t know where she might be. He said she’s been really grumpy for the past couple of days but he swore to me that he didn’t know she was planning to run away.”
“Thanks anyway,” Cate smiled weakly.
Her cell-phone rang, making her jump. “Hello?” she asked, without even checking the number.
“Hey sis, it’s me,” Liv said. “Lola’s just turned up at my house.”
“Oh, thank God,” Cate sank to her knees on the cold grass. “How is she? Is she OK?”
“She won’t tell me what’s happened. She just said she doesn’t want to go home.”
“What is it?” Kian ran over to where Cate was kneeling.
“She’s at Liv’s,” Cate mouthed to him.
“Fuck,” he looked so relieved. “Fuck!”
“I’ll come and pick her up,” Cate said to Liv. She got up from the grass and walked back towards the house. She was already trying to remember where she’d put her car keys.
“Listen, I don’t know what’s happened with you guys but it’s obvious that she’s really upset. Why don’t you let her spend the night here and then come pick her up in the morning?”
“She’s my baby girl, Liv,” Cate leaned back against the wall. “If she’s upset, I need to be there.”
“I know,” Liv said gently, “but you’re both so worked up right now that if you try to talk to her, I’m worried that it will only end up making things worse. Let me look after her tonight and you can come and pick her up tomorrow morning after you’ve both had some time to cool off.”
After she’d got off the phone with Liv, Cate turned around and Kian was there. “Do you even realise how selfish you’re being?” she snapped at him. “Our daughter ran away from home tonight. She’s never done that before, never. But she did tonight and it’s all because of you. I don’t know what’s going on with you, Kian. I don’t know when you decided you were going to stop being my husband and instead become this… this monster that I don’t even recognise.”
“Cate…” Kian tried to reach out to her.
“Don’t touch me,” she snarled, “and before you say anything, this isn’t about what happened at the Chatsfield, it’s about every damn thing that has happened since then.”
Thursday February 21st
The next morning, Cate almost collided with Kian in the hallway. She’d barely slept all night, thinking about what she was going to say to Lola this morning.
“Are you going to go and pick up Lola soon?” he asked tentatively.
“Yeah.”
“Do you want me to come with you?”
She scoffed, “don’t you think you’ve done enough damage?”
“Cate…” He looked so hurt that she immediately regretted what she’d just said.
“I’m sorry,” she sagged, “I know that wasn’t fair. It’s just… she’s my baby girl and she ran away from home last night. I can’t stop thinking about all the bad things that could have happened to her.”
He nodded, “I know.”
“We’re falling apart, Kian. Our family is falling apart and I’m trying so hard to keep it together but I can’t do it on my own. I need you to help me.”
“I’m trying.”
“Yeah, I know,” she looked down at the carpet. “I’ve been thinking about what you said when we were at the hospital… maybe it would be better if you stayed at a hotel?”
“You’re kicking me out?”
“I love you, Kian,” Cate swallowed the huge lump at the back of her throat. The very last thing she wanted was for Kian to stay at a hotel but last night had proved that it was time for her to make a really difficult decision; she had to choose between Kian and the children.
“I want to help you, I really do. But you won’t talk to me…What happened last night proves that what you’re going through, it isn’t just hurting you and me anymore, it’s starting to hurt the children and I can’t, I won’t allow that to happen, Kian. I have to choose them, I have to.”
“I understand,” he said quietly. “I’ll be gone by the time you come back.”
“You don’t have to go right away,” she protested.
He shook his head, “the longer I’ll leave it, the worse it will be. Will you tell the children I’ll call them tonight?”
If I say no, will that make you stay? Cate wanted to ask him but instead she didn’t say anything, she just let him turn around and walk away.
“Mommy, where’s Lola?” Sierra asked as she climbed into the backseat of the car.
She thought about lying again and telling Sierra that Lola had gone into school early to work on a project but there had been too many damn lies already in this family.
“She stayed at Auntie Liv’s house last night. I’m going to go and pick her up after I’ve dropped you guys off at school.”
“Does that mean she’s not going to school today? Because if Lola’s not going to school today then I don’t want to go either.”
“Sierra, please,” Cate sighed. “Mommy’s got a headache, OK.”
“But…” Sierra protested.
“No,” Cate shook her head, “you’re going to school today, sweetie and that’s final.”
“Lola’s right,” Sierra folded her arms across her chest, “this family is whacked.”
After she’d dropped Sierra and Mateo at school, Cate drove across to Liv’s house.
When she arrived, she didn’t get out of the car right away. She needed a couple of minutes to compose herself. Was this really it? After everything that they’d been through over the years, were she and Kian really going to break up because of this secret? What could possibly be so bad that Kian would choose to walk away from his wife and children rather than reveal the truth?
“How is she?” Cate asked her sister when she opened the front door.
“She’s OK,” Liv patted her shoulder. “She’s just finishing up her breakfast. I’ll go and get her.”
“Thanks,” Cate smiled weakly. Liv was one of her best friends but she felt so uncomfortable. Whatever Kian’s secret was, it wasn’t just putting up barriers between him and Cate, it was also isolating her from her friends and family.
While she waited in the quiet entrance hall for Liv to come back with Lola, she felt stupidly nervous. She picked at the fraying cuff of her jumper.
“Hey Cate,” Liv’s husband, Jax walked past her on his way to the front door. He was going to meet his producer, Julian at the studio and had his guitar case slung across his back. He was looking at her like she was an unexploded landmine.
“Hey,” she nodded.
After Jax had gone, Liv appeared in the hallway followed by Lola. “You two need to talk, Lotus Flower,” she gave her niece a nudge towards Cate. “I’ll be upstairs if you need me.”
“Hey,” Cate badly wanted to give her daughter a hug. “Do you want to go out on the deck?”
“I guess,” Lola shrugged.
They stood by the railings and looked out on South Lake Union.
“Sweetheart, why did you run away last night? Your dad and I were so worried.”
“You still treat me like a little kid, Mum.”
“I know,” Cate sighed. “But it doesn’t matter how old you get, Lo, you’re always going to be my baby girl. If something happens that’s bad or it’s just confusing, I’m always going to want to protect you. I can’t help it, it’s part of being a mum. I shouldn’t have lied to you about Dad being in L.A. last weekend or having a car accident but the truth is, your dad and I are going through something right now and I think it was easier for me to lie about it because I don’t really understand it myself.”
Lola looked at Cate, “are you and Dad going to get a divorce?”
“I honestly don’t know, Lo.” Cate rubbed her eternity ring. “I don’t want to but I also don’t want you and your brother and sister to have to live in a house where your parents are fighting all the time.”
“It scares me,” Lola admi
tted. “I know Luke’s mum and dad got divorced and he says that they both seem so much happier now but I don’t think it would be like that for you and Dad. For one thing, I don’t think Dad’s into guys like Mr Eric, is he?”
Cate giggled. “No, your dad’s definitely not into guys like Mr Eric.”
Her first thought was that she couldn’t wait to tell Kian what Lola had just said because she knew he’d find it really funny but she quickly sobered up when she realised that Kian wouldn’t even be there when they got home. He’d probably already checked into a hotel by now.
“Before I came to pick you up this morning, your dad and I had a talk…” Cate blinked really fast. She absolutely wasn’t going to cry; she needed to be strong for Lola. “We both decided that it might be best if he stays in a hotel for a little while. Mats and Sierra are too young to understand so I’m going to tell them that he’s gone on another business trip but I want to be honest with you, OK?”
Lola’s bottom lip trembled, “Dad’s gone. Is he coming back?”
She turned around and clutched Cate’s forearms, “is it because of me? Is he angry because I ran away last night? I’m really sorry, Mum.”
“Hey,” Cate said softly. “It’s definitely not your fault, sweetheart. Last night when we didn’t know where you were, neither of us were angry with you, Lo. We were just really scared that something bad had happened to you. When Auntie Liv called to say that you were here, we were so relieved. Regardless of what’s going on between us right now, your dad and I, we both love you and your brother and sister so much.”
Later on, while Lola was upstairs in the guest bedroom getting her things together, Liv came and stood with Cate in the hallway. “Do I need to kick someone’s ass?”
Cate shook her head, “it’s not like that.”
“I’m not going to ask you what happened,” Liv slung her arm around Cate’s shoulders, “just know that I’m here if you ever want to talk, OK?”
Cate couldn’t speak because if she did, she thought she might cry again so she just nodded.
“Are you ready to go?” she asked as Lola came down the stairs.
“Yes.” Lola gave Liv a hug. “Thanks for letting me stay here last night, Auntie Liv.”
“It’s no problem, Low Hanging Fruit.”
Cate thanked her sister again while Lola stashed her bag in the boot of Cate’s car.
“You’re welcome.”
“You won’t…” Cate shifted awkwardly from foot to foot. “Um, you won’t tell anybody else about what happened last night, will you?”
Liv promised that she wouldn’t.
Cate told Mateo and Sierra that Kian had gone on another business trip when she picked them up from school that afternoon. “But he’s only just come back from L.A.?” Sierra complained.
“I know, baby girl. But this time, he won’t be out in the desert with no cell-phone coverage so you’ll still be able to talk to him every night.”
Later that evening, Cate was in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner when Kian called to say goodnight to the children. “Hey.”
“Hey.” She put down the cloth she’d been using to wipe the surfaces and gripped the edge of the marble countertop. How was it possible that just hearing his voice could make her miss him even more? “Are you um… all settled in?”
“Yeah.” He sounded really tired and she felt guilty for asking him to leave the house when he was still healing from his injuries. She had to remind herself that despite what she’d told everybody else, he hadn’t actually had a car accident. He had three broken ribs because instead of coming home to his wife and family, he’d got drunk at a dive-bar downtown, made a nuisance of himself and got in a fight with two of the bouncers.
But that niggly, little voice reminded her that he was still her husband and she’d promised at the hospital that she would take care of him.
“It sounds like you’re in pain. Have you got your pills?”
“Yeah but they’ve been making me feel a bit drowsy so I wanted to wait until after I’d talked to the children before I take any more.”
“The doctor said that you need to keep icing your ribs. Have they got ice at the hotel?”
He sighed, “I know what the doctor said, angel. There’s an ice machine just down the hall.”
“Oh, that’s good.”
There was a really awkward silence before Kian spoke again. “Are the children there? Can I talk to them?”
Cate shook her head, “yes, of course. I’m sorry.”
After he’d talked to Sierra and Mateo, Cate handed the phone to Lola and then ushered the other two upstairs to start getting ready for bed. Lola knew that he wasn’t really on another business trip and she didn’t want Sierra or Mats to listen in on their conversation.
“Mommy,” Sierra called just as Cate was about to turn out the light. “Can I sleep in your bed tonight?”
“What’s the matter, sweetie?” she knelt down at the side of the bed.
“My tummy hurts.”
Cate pressed a hand against her daughter’s forehead. “You haven’t got a fever. Do you feel sick?”
“No, it’s not that kind of hurt. People keep going away and I don’t like it.”
“Your dad’s on a business trip, sweetie. He’ll be home soon.”
“It’s not just him. Uncle Nate’s gone too and Lola stayed at Auntie Liv’s last night. Mommy, are you going to go away too?”
“Come here,” Cate scooped Sierra up off the bed and carried her into the master bedroom. The truth was that she didn’t want to be alone that night either.
After she’d settled Sierra down in their bed, she smoothed her daughter’s black hair off her forehead. “I know things are a little confusing right now but there’s nothing for you to worry about, sweetie. Your dad’s on a business trip and Uncle Nate’s gone on holiday but they’ll be back soon. Lola stayed at Auntie Liv’s last night but she’s back home now. I’m here and your brother’s here and we’re not going anywhere, I promise.”
She needed to check that Lola was OK after talking to her dad but when she tried to get up, Sierra clung to her. “Mommy, please don’t go.”
“Hey,” Cate rubbed her back. “It’s OK, baby girl. I’m just going to go downstairs and talk to your sister and then I’ll come right back, I promise.”
“Pinky swear?” Sierra asked.
Cate linked her little finger with Sierra’s. “Pinky swear.” She bent down and kissed her forehead, “try to go to sleep, baby girl.”
She’d turned off the light and was about to leave the room again when Sierra said. “Mommy? I miss Daddy. I wish he didn’t have to go away all the time.”
“Me too, baby girl.”
When she went downstairs, Lola had finished talking to Kian and was sat on the sofa. “Is everything OK?” Cate asked, gently putting her hand on Lola’s shoulder.
“I guess,” Lola shrugged. She was hunched forward as if she had the weight of the world on her tiny shoulders. “Dad said he’s not angry with me for running away last night but he will be if I ever do it again.”
“Does that make you feel better?”
“No,” Lola shook her head, “because he’s not here. Whatever Dad’s done, I’m sure he’s sorry, can’t you just forgive him like you did before when he kissed that other lady?”
Cate looked up at the ceiling. “I wish it was as simple as that, Lo. The trouble is that your dad hasn’t done anything wrong.”
“I don’t understand. If Dad hasn’t done anything wrong and you haven’t, why isn’t he here?”
How was she supposed to explain the problems in her marriage to her teenage daughter if she didn’t really understand them herself?
“I guess it’s like, do you remember when Rovers played Barnsley in the FA Cup 3rd round last season and they had so many chances to score but they kept hitting the post or the crossbar, or the defender cleared it off the line?”
Lola nodded, “Barnsley scored the winner in the 2nd minute of
stoppage time.”
“It didn’t matter how hard the Rovers players tried, they just couldn’t get the ball in the back of the net. It’s like that with your dad and I right now. We’re both trying as hard as we can but we just can’t make things work at the moment.”
“Mum?” Lola asked as they walked up the stairs. “I know I’m not a little girl anymore but can I sleep in your bed tonight?”
“Sure, why not? Your sister’s already there.”
Lola’s Homecoming
14 Years Ago
Kian stopped the car in the driveway and flexed his fingers. He’d never been so nervous driving home before. Cate and Lola were finally healthy enough to come home. Cate was still healing from surgery but he knew she was so stubborn that if he wasn’t quick enough, she’d try and climb out of the car herself so he raced around the front to intercept her. Liv had come with them and offered to carry Lola’s car seat into the house while Kian helped Cate.
“Kian,” Cate put her gentle hands on his cheeks, his stubble rasping against her fingertips. “I love you but I’m not made of glass.”
He didn’t have the words to make her understand that she and Lola were the most precious things in his life and he’d almost lost them, both of them. Even just the possibility had woken him up in a cold sweat every night since.
He wasn’t the same man who’d left Cate safely curled up in their bed a few days ago. He wasn’t just a husband anymore, he was a father now. Lola had stolen his heart from the very first moment he’d seen her.
They could hear Lola’s whimpers as they walked through the front door.
“What’s wrong?” Kian asked, immediately panicking.
“She just wants her mummy, that’s all,” Liv tried to reassure him.
He made sure that Cate was settled on the sofa before he helped unfasten Lola from the car seat. She wrapped her tiny little fingers around his thumb as if she too was trying to reassure him that whatever mistakes he’d made in the past, she had every faith in him as a father.
“Do you need me for anything?” Liv asked.
