by Louise Hall
So he’d dragged himself into the shower. He’d scrubbed at his skin trying to get rid of the scent of her shampoo which seemed to be hell-bent on torturing him.
But he couldn’t stop himself from thinking about her and the children.
It was Sunday today so they’d probably go to church this morning and then afterwards Cate would make their favourite chocolate chip pancakes for brunch. He could picture it so fucking clearly.
Before she started making the pancakes, Cate would change out of the fancy clothes she’d worn for church into a pair of faded jeans and a t-shirt – probably one that she’d co-opted from his wardrobe. She’d put some music on while she cooked, her cute, little butt swaying to the beat.
Mats would be sat on the stool at the far end of the kitchen counter engrossed in one of his marine biology books. When Cate wasn’t looking, Sierra would keep trying to steal chocolate chips from the bag left open on the kitchen counter. Lola would be stood half in the kitchen, half in the lounge, keeping an eye out for when highlights of the Rovers game from Saturday came on the TV.
He’d wanted so desperately to be there.
He hadn’t even realised what he’d been searching for until he’d stopped outside the church several blocks from his hotel.
Kian had just got back to his hotel room when reception called and said he had a visitor waiting for him in the lobby downstairs.
“I’ll be right down.” He winced as he shrugged off his black, wool coat. He hadn’t taken any pain pills that morning and his ribs were killing him but in some perverse way he actually enjoyed the pain.
When he got downstairs, Ben was sat on one of the sofas in the lobby.
If Ben knew that he was staying here, he must have talked to Cate. He had a quick look around the lobby but nobody was paying them any attention.
“If you’ve come over here to kick my ass, we should go upstairs. I don’t want to do this in public.”
Ben narrowed his eyes at him, “is there a particular reason I should want to kick your ass right now?”
“I’m assuming since you’re here that you’ve talked to Cate.”
Ben nodded. “She said you hadn’t done anything wrong this time. Was she lying to me?”
“I don’t know,” Kian scratched the back of his neck. “It’s complicated.”
“It’s not complicated at all. You still love her, right?”
“Of course.” He didn’t even have to think about it.
“And she still loves you?”
She did but she shouldn’t, she wouldn’t if she ever found out the truth.
“Then get your ass over there, say you’re sorry and buy her an Amazon gift-card.”
“Like I said before,” Kian gritted his teeth. If only it were that simple. “It’s complicated.”
Ben looked as if he wanted to say something else but Kian cut him off. “What are you doing here, Ben? It’s Sunday.”
“I need a couple of signatures.”
After Kian had scrawled his name on the various documents, Ben got up from the sofa but he looked like he didn’t want to leave. “Did you want to grab some lunch? I mean, it can’t be that much fun being stuck here all by yourself.”
Kian frowned, “I don’t want your pity, Ben.” I don’t deserve it either.
“You weren’t getting it,” Ben held his hands up. “I just thought you might be hungry. I know I am. Even though I’ve told her countless times that she’s beautiful just the way she is, Erin’s on a diet and I’m craving some barbecue ribs. Come on man, help a guy out. I thought we were supposed to be friends.”
“You’re a pain in the ass,” Kian smiled. “You know that right?”
Ben laughed, “a very hungry pain in the ass.”
“We shouldn’t be doing this,” Kian said as they walked out on to the street. “Cate’s your sister. Your loyalty is always going to be with her. That’s how it should be. I know I’d be the same with Sinead.”
“Cate told me this morning that I didn’t have to pick sides.”
Later that night, after he’d spoken to the children and they’d gone upstairs, Cate asked Kian if he needed her to pick up another prescription for his pain pills. Before, they’d left the hospital; Reynolds had only given him a week’s supply.
“No, it’s OK. I can do it.”
“Are you sure? I don’t mind, really.” What are you saying? With Nate gone, she definitely wouldn’t have time to take the ferry across to downtown Seattle just so that she could get Kian his pain pills. Plus, she had a video-conference on Monday with Abby about their charity, 33 Rocks. She and Abby had started the charity together to raise awareness of prenatal depression. She wasn’t looking forward to it because it was the first time she was going to see Abby since she’d basically kicked her son, Nate out of the house.
Yep, this week was basically going to be one gigantic headache.
“I’ve still got over half a bottle, I’ll be fine. If I do run out, there’s a Walgreen’s on the next block. Don’t worry about it.”
Don’t worry about it? How can I not worry about it, you’re my husband and I love you!
“How have you still got over half a bottle left? Have you not been taking them?”
“I’ve been trying not to take them during the day. They make me too drowsy.”
“But that’s a good thing, isn’t it? I mean, you’re supposed to be resting. Maybe you should come home.”
“No,” Cate was hurt by how quickly he answered. “You asked me to leave the house for a reason, Cate. That reason hasn’t changed.”
“But…”
Before she could say anything else, Kian changed the subject. “I saw Ben today. He needed me to sign some papers so he stopped by the hotel. We ended up having lunch together. Thanks for telling him that he didn’t have to pick sides, I really appreciate it.”
She now knew what Sierra had been talking about the other night. Cate had a really bad pain in her tummy and it wasn’t because she was sick. Kian sounded so much lighter now that he wasn’t living with her and the children.
Monday February 25th
The next morning, after she’d dropped the children off at school, she drove to the 33 Rocks offices for her meeting with Abby and Tally, who they’d recently promoted to office manager.
After a quick catch-up on how the helpline was doing – everything was running smoothly – they moved on to talking about the speech Cate and Abby had been asked to give at a conference in Orlando in a couple of months.
“Can you pencil me in for that?” Cate asked, not looking up from her notebook. “I really want to be there but I’ll have to see where everything is nearer the time.”
“You have to be there, Cate,” Abby insisted. “I can give the speech on my own but we both know that it’s your story that really resonates with people.”
Cate tightened the grip on her biro. With everything else that was going on in her life right now, she really didn’t need this extra pressure. “I’ll try.”
“Nate’s been back in Sacramento for the last few days,” Abby looked at Cate and she was just like her son, her gaze was too knowing. “He said he’s on vacation for a couple of weeks. It seems very sudden. He didn’t mention anything about it when I talked to him at the start of last week.”
“Maybe he wanted it to be a surprise since he couldn’t make it back for Christmas?”
“Maybe,” Abby turned her attention to Tally, “can you give us a minute, sweetheart?”
“Of course, no problem,” Tally got up from the table. “I’m going to go check the rosters for next week.”
After Tally had gone, Abby turned to Cate. “What’s really going on, Cate? Have you and my son had a falling out?”
“No,” Cate waved her hands. “It’s nothing like that. I guess Kian’s car accident just made me realise that life’s too short to spend all your time working. Nate has hardly taken any of his paid vacation days since he started with us. He should go out and have fun.”
“Hm,” Abby looked as if she didn’t believe her. “So he’s still got a job to come back to then?”
“Yes, of course. We love Nate, you know that.”
“OK then.” But before Cate could close down the feed, Abby said, “one last thing, sweetie. Is your jumper on backwards, I think I can see the label or is that the fashion nowadays?”
Cate looked down and sure enough, not only was her jumper on back to front, it was also on inside out. Geez, you’re really winning at life today, aren’t you?
“No, you’re right. I got dressed in a hurry this morning.” She tugged the jumper up over her head – she had on a white tank top underneath and quickly put it back on. Like, seriously, what kind of dumbass can’t even put her jumper on properly?
“Cate, I think you should make an appointment with Dr Chen.”
“What?” She quickly stopped what she was doing, her jumper still bunched up just underneath her boobs. “No, I’m not depressed. I didn’t have regular depression, Abby. I had prenatal depression. I only felt like that because I was pregnant and I’m not pregnant now.”
Abby shook her head, “there’s no such thing as regular depression, Cate. Hey, maybe you aren’t depressed, maybe you’re just feeling sad but it can’t hurt to talk to somebody, can it?”
Yes, it can. Because I’ve always put my depression in a small, metal box marked as ‘something that only happens when you’re pregnant’.
All the way home she tried to dismiss what Abby had said. She was probably just overreacting because Cate had insisted that Nate use up his paid vacation time.
After dinner that night, while Kian was talking to the children, Cate snuck out to the back garden. It felt really wrong but she took off her shoes and socks and sat down on the wooden deck which jutted out into Puget Sound. She dipped her toes into the cold water and waited for something to happen. She looked down at the water which on that night many years ago had entranced her with its pure, black nothingness. She didn’t feel anything now but really freaking cold. “Ow,” she quickly drew her legs up, putting her feet back on the dock.
“It can’t hurt to talk to somebody, can it?” Abby’s words kept coming back to her. Kian’s secret meant that she couldn’t talk to her friends and family but maybe she could talk to a therapist.
When she looked back at the house, Lola was stood on the back porch, watching her anxiously.
“Mum, what are you doing?”
“I was just thinking,” Cate stood up. “Ouch.” She hadn’t bothered putting her shoes and socks back on and the grass felt really sharp and spiky against the soles of her feet. “How was Dad?”
“He was OK, I guess,” Lola shrugged. She looked back at the dock. “That’s where you were when you thought about killing yourself, wasn’t it?”
Cate nodded sombrely. “It was but that wasn’t what I was thinking about just now, I promise.”
Lola frowned as if she thought that Cate was lying to her again.
“It really wasn’t, Lo. I don’t know if you remember this but when you were really little, you and I were living at Granny Reen’s and on the day after Boxing Day, I asked you what you wanted to do. I’d told you that we were on holiday so you said you wanted to go to the beach even though it was December. Auntie Liv came with us and we bought you a bucket and spade and a bottle of wine for Auntie Liv and you made a huge sandcastle?”
“I think so.”
“The tide was really far out but we went to try and find it anyway. You said you wanted to paddle so we all took our shoes and socks off and we let the freezing cold water crash over our toes.”
“Yeah, I remember that,” Lola’s eyes lit up, “and then afterwards we had fish and chips.”
“We did,” Cate smiled. “I’d been feeling really bad because I’d left your dad but when that freezing cold wave crashed over my toes, it was like it jolted me back to life. That’s what I was doing down there on the dock just now. I wasn’t thinking about killing myself, Lo. I was just using the cold water on my toes to wake me up a bit.”
“Can I try it?” Lola asked.
“Try what?” Mateo joined them on the back porch.
Lola bent down and kicked off her shoes and socks. “I’m going to dip my toes in the water.”
“You’re weird. It’s February.”
Lola laughed, “you’re chicken.”
“No, I’m not.”
“You are too.”
“What’s going on?” Sierra asked.
“Mum and I are going to sit on the dock and dip our toes in the water but Mats is too chicken.”
“I want to do it,” Sierra quickly began taking off her own shoes and socks.
“OK,” Cate relented, “but I want you to stay close to me, Sierra. It’s still quite deep out there and I don’t want you to accidentally fall in.”
“I won’t.”
Mateo eventually decided to join them. He peeled off his socks and left them on the back porch before joining his mum and sisters down by the dock. “You know it’s going to be really cold, right? The average water temperature in Puget Sound in February is 9 degrees Celsius.”
“Ugh,” Lola stuck out her tongue, “you can be such a spoilsport sometimes.”
Cate sat down first and lifted Sierra up on to her knee. Lola and Mats sat on either side.
“Wow, that’s cold,” Lola said as she dipped her toes under the water.
“Who’s the chicken now?” Mats teased. He’d already submerged his feet in the dark water.
“Mommy, I don’t like it,” Sierra quickly cuddled up against Cate.
“I think that’s enough,” Cate brought her feet back up on to the dock. “Come on, I don’t want you to catch hypothermia. Let’s go back inside and warm up.”
Tuesday February 26th
Kian lay back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. He’d spent more than half his life hating the bastard who’d turned him into this monster but never more so than now when he was trapped in a quiet hotel room miles away from his wife and children with just a sad-looking ice pack for company.
He kept trying to tell himself that they were better off without him but was that really true? She tried her best to hide it but he could tell just from speaking to her on the phone how badly Cate was hurting. When he was with her, the monster inside of him seemed hell-bent on causing her pain and yet when he wasn’t with her, when he purposefully stayed away from her, the absence seemed to be just as painful.
He’d never shirked a challenge in his life but even though the stakes couldn’t have been higher, he was just rolling over and letting the toxic blackness claim an easy victory.
It was a secret that he’d never told anybody apart from Cate but he’d never wanted to be a professional footballer. He’d never loved the game the way that Lola did. It had always been his dad’s dream far more than his own. But what he had loved was the constant competition. If another player did 100 push-ups in a row, Kian was determined that he was going to do 101.
He realised that everything he’d done up until now – even going to church last Sunday – had been about avoiding his demons. But that wasn’t who he was. He’d been a talented young footballer but he’d still had to fight hard for every scrap of success he’d ever got. The referee might blow his whistle out there in the middle of the pitch but he’d played in so many games which had already been won in the cramped confines of the tunnel as they waited to walk out. He’d squared up to some of the most fearsome players in the world and he’d never once backed down.
He kept asking himself the same question: was he truly beyond redemption?
He hadn’t found the answer in a six-pack of beer or a church sermon so maybe he needed to try something else.
He grabbed his phone from the bedside table and after a quick Google search; he found what he was looking for.
Wednesday February 27th
Cate had managed to get a last-minute cancellation with Dr Chen, who’d been her therapist when she’d had prenata
l depression. With Nate and Kian gone, she was the only adult in the house with three children and she needed to know if her depression had come back or not.
After a therapy session, she always felt like a bloody carcass which had been picked apart by vultures. She leaned back against the side of the brick building and took a deep breath. Although Dr Chen’s practice was near Pike Place Market, it was down a small alleyway which didn’t get a lot of foot traffic.
She felt like somebody was watching her and when she looked up, Kian was stood there. He looked so much like her husband that she had to really fight the urge to just fling herself into his arms. She wanted him to fix it but how could he if he was part of the problem?
She accidentally leaned back against the buzzer and it made a loud noise. “Hello?” a voice sounded through the intercom. “Can I help you?”
“I’m sorry,” Cate stuttered. “I pressed it by mistake.”
She didn’t want to turn around again. She was mortified that Kian had caught her coming out of Dr Chen’s practice. He’d come with her to a couple of appointments so he had to know where she’d just been.
It was stupid really because she’d talked a lot about her depression over the last few years as part of her work with 33 Rocks but that’s when she’d thought that it was over, a thing of the past. She realised now how smug she must have sounded, like I know that it’s hell for you right now but look at how well I’m doing.
Dr Chen didn’t think that her depression had come back but she’d still recommended that Cate make a follow-up appointment. She echoed what Abby had said; it couldn’t hurt to have somebody to talk to.
“How did you know I was here? Did you use the tracker app on your phone?”
“Something like that,” Kian shrugged. It was easier to lie to Cate than admit that he’d made an appointment with a therapist at Dr Chen’s practice.
