by Shay Savage
“Vodka,” I heard myself say. “A…a shot of vodka.”
“Sure thing,” the bartender responded, obviously surprised. I couldn’t blame him for that, though—I’d been coming in here for months without ordering anything.
I motioned with one hand up to the top shelf of the bar.
“The good stuff,” I said quietly.
“You got it.”
He placed the shot glass in front of me, and the clear liquid sloshed slightly for a moment before settling. I ran my finger around the edge of the glass before wrapping my hand around it.
Another tournament.
A fight to the death.
Winning meant protecting Raine and being united with my son.
I have a son.
Fuck me.
I gripped the little glass. It was quite a bit bigger than a single ounce shot and filled nearly to the top. I swallowed past the lump in my throat. I tried another deep breath, but it came out in a shuddering gasp.
It will calm me down, I told myself.
Raine’s voice rose above all the other turmoil in my brain.
“I can’t be with that man, Bastian.”
She wouldn’t like this. Understatement of the fucking century. I started to release the glass, but I didn’t quite manage to get my fingers off of it. The tips remained as if they were glued there.
She doesn’t have to know…just one.
My vision blurred. I couldn’t swallow anymore—my throat was too dry.
“You aren’t that person anymore, Bastian.” Raine's voice echoed through my head again.
“I’m not so sure about that, baby,” I whispered to myself. “I might have to be him again—just for a little while.”
I focused on the glass again, steeling myself against the desire to bring it to my lips. The muscles up my arm flexed automatically, and I tightened my fingers around the glass again.
It felt good.
Natural.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I lifted my hand and brought the glass up closer to my face. Tilting it back and draining it seemed like the easiest thing in the world to do, while setting it back down was impossible.
If I do this, it’s done. I can’t go back.
It’s only one drink…it’s not like I’d be instantly back to the same old me again.
She’ll hate me for it.
I need to calm down, or I won’t be able to figure this out.
Just one.
I stopped thinking, tossed it back, and felt the burn as it slid down my throat. I dropped the empty glass back down on the top of the bar as the liquid coated my insides.
Can’t go back now.
“Another,” I said.
The bartender refilled the glass.
What the fuck am I doing?
The exit from Bar Crudo loomed in front of me as I stumbled toward it. I wasn’t sure exactly how a glass door could look so fuzzy, but it did. I glanced at my watch and realized I didn’t have much time before Raine would be returning from class. I had to get back to the condo.
“Sweetheart, you look like you could use a little help.”
I flicked my eyes in the direction of the effeminate voice to see a tall, African American man with bleached-blond hair. Upon closer inspection, I realized he wasn’t all that tall; he was just wearing ridiculously high platform shoes, which were mostly covered by his long, billowing skirt. Maybe it was a swimsuit cover up; I wasn’t sure. I blinked a few times and wondered if he was wearing a woman’s style bikini underneath.
He waved his arms around, nearly spilling the contents of his designer purse all over the ground, and called to another dude in a flowing, green-flowered robe of some kind. He had a tattoo on his arm that read “Don’t Judge,” and his eyebrows had thin vertical lines shaved into them. He checked for traffic before he walked across the street with his arms held out wide.
“Oh may gawd!” the second guy called out.
I laughed at the spectacle, which made me dizzy, which made me laugh more.
“You found quite a little chunk here, didn’t ya, sweetie?”
“I don’t think he’s doin’ too well, babe.”
I wondered what he meant but then realized I couldn’t quite stand up straight. I had to get home before Raine got there, and all the humor of the situation left me.
“Well, we should help him out!”
“You mean ‘help yourself!’”
They both started waving their arms around and squealing at each other in the most stereotypical way and didn’t seem to notice as I backed away and turned, fumbling over my feet a little as I made my way toward our building.
Only a couple of blocks…
Looking up the street, it seemed like a lot farther. I concentrated on that whole “one foot in front of the other” thing until I realized I had passed the entrance and was standing in front of the gelato place on the corner. Gelato sounded really good, so I went inside and tried to focus on the various flavors offered. I couldn’t seem to choose, and a bunch of tourists walked in and started placing their orders, occupying the woman behind the counter.
With my head still swimming, I forced myself back outside and made my way to the entrance of the condo building, swiped my keycard, and pushed open the security door. The elevators were on my right, and the door to the stairs was on my left. I veered left out of habit, went up three steps, fell down, and then used the banister to pull myself back up.
Just need to get inside…
I reached the second floor and decided I wasn’t going to make it up two more flights. I fumbled at the door handle a couple of times before getting it to open, then careened into the wall next to the elevator button. Somehow, I managed to get it to light up, and the elevator door opened.
There was a couple inside, probably in their late forties, dressed to the nines like they were heading to some dinner party. They took a step away from me as I entered and tried to find the number four on the key panel. Once I pushed it, I leaned against the wall of the elevator and kept my eyes to the ground.
“Are you all right, sir?” the man in the suit asked.
I laughed.
“Gonna have to kill a few people,” I slurred. “After that, all should be good.”
The woman’s eyes went wide as she grabbed the man’s arm and whispered something to him. He pulled her to his side and stepped back to press them both into the corner of the elevator.
The door to the elevator opened, and I found myself just outside the condo. I had to lean heavily against the door as I tried to fish my key out of my pocket. Once it was between my fingers, getting it into the lock and turned was a whole other problem. Eventually I managed to make it work and gave myself a mental shove to get through the door. I turned to close it by throwing my hand out and slapping it, which hurt a bit but got the job done. I looked down to my palm and began to laugh again.
Then I fell backwards and landed on my ass.
Deciding it was as good a place as any, I lay backwards and watched the room spin around me. There was that niggling bit in the back of my head that told me I needed to pull my shit together before Raine came home, but it wasn’t loud enough to cover up the ringing in my ears.
Fuck, I didn’t like this part.
I wasn’t completely sure how many shots I had done, but I didn’t think it was enough to have such a profound effect on me. So many months of sobriety must have driven down my tolerance quite a bit.
Raine will be home soon.
“Shit.” I pushed myself up with my arms and leaned back on my elbows for a second. I rolled, or maybe fell, over on my side and tried to get my bearings enough to stand. It didn’t work, so I crawled a little way across the living area until I realized I didn’t actually have a destination in mind.
“She can’t see me like this.”
I took a deep breath and tried to regain some concentration, but all I could focus on was my alcohol breath.
“Gotta brush my teeth.”
At least now I h
Though I made it to the bathroom, the toothpaste and toothbrush just weren’t interested in cooperating with each other. I ended up spurting fluoridated gunk all over the sink then rubbing the toothbrush around in it, or at least trying to. Once I brought the brush up to my face, I realized I had missed.
“Fuck it.”
I dropped the brush in the sink and stumbled to the kitchen. I pulled open a couple of drawers, looking for gum but came up empty-handed.
“Better to smell like smoke,” I announced to the room. My cigarettes were still in my pocket, so at least it didn’t take any effort to find them. I made my way to the balcony, slid down the wall until I was firmly planted on my ass, and lit up.
I chain smoked for a few minutes until I was pretty sure there wasn’t any other stench on me but that. Of course, the brief amount of time that had passed had done nothing to sober me up, and everything around me was still spinning a bit.
It was brief, wasn’t it? How long had I been sitting here?
I shook my head to try to clear it, which was a big mistake. I tried to count the cigarette butts that lay between my feet to judge how long I’d been there, but those little fuckers were less cooperative than the toothpaste had been. Staring at them nauseated me. I took a long breath through my nose and let it out my mouth as I stared at a single cigarette butt that had made it into the bucket and tried to add it to the count. Focusing on a small object helped to slow the circling motion of the world around me.
I heard the door open.
My hand started shaking a bit as I pushed myself back onto my feet and straightened the edge of my shirt. I just needed to keep myself focused long enough to say I wasn’t feeling well and go lie down.
I can do this. I can fake this. Done it plenty of times before.
I turned, checked my breathing, and opened the balcony door to see Raine placing her book bag down by the coffee table and turning to smile at me.
Her smile faded immediately.
“Bastian?”
I bumped into the kitchen island and winced as my hip jarred against it.
“Hey, babe,” I said…or maybe I slurred it.
“What’s wrong?” Raine asked as she narrowed her eyes.
“I’m ferfectly pine,” I said with a serious nod. At least, I hoped it looked serious—that was the goal. I took a couple of unsteady steps toward her.
“You’re what?”
I stopped and thought about what I had just said. It had made sense, hadn’t it? I tried to repeat the words in my head but found I had forgotten what I had said. With wandering eyes, I finally found Raine, still standing in the middle of the living room and staring at me. I smiled and walked toward her.
Well, I tried to.
Instead, I lurched off to the side a bit and had to catch my balance. A chuckle escaped from me, but when I looked at Raine, she didn’t seem amused.
“Oh shit, it’s not funny, is it?” I snickered. I didn’t intend to snicker; it just came out that way.
“Oh my God,” she murmured. “Bastian, you’re drunk.”
Shit.
Our exchange from the airport bar where I almost took a shot ran through my head. We had just returned to civilization, and I’d gone from blissful isolation to being surrounded by crowds demanding Raine’s attention. At the first opportunity, I found a place that would serve me vodka.
“Bastian…don’t do this.”
“Do what?” I barked out a laugh. “Drink? I’m a fucking alcoholic, Raine. I told you that the first fucking day. That hasn’t fucking changed just because I didn’t have any alcohol available. I never stopped wanting it. Never. You know this shit.”
“You aren’t that person anymore, Bastian. I meant that. I wouldn’t be with someone like that. I couldn’t be with someone who I thought would hit me again.”
“I love you,” Raine said softly, her hand still on my arm, “but when you drink, you become someone else. I can’t be with that man, Bastian.”
“I won’t be.”
She took a couple of steps backwards, and I knew—I just knew—she was going to leave. My mouth dropped open, but I couldn’t form any words at first. I couldn’t move, either. It was as if my central nervous system was trying to fire every neuron inside of it at once, and each and every one of them failed to respond.
Can’t let this happen…just can’t…For fuck’s sake, Stark, get your shit together.
“Don’t,” I whispered as I shook my head. “Please don’t.”
Even through my drunken haze, I could see it all in her face—the confusion, the sorrow, the anger. Her face seemed to fall as her shoulders slumped. I could see the tears forming in her eyes as she backed away again.
“No…no, Raine…” I reached out for her, but toppled forward and down onto my knees. My head pulsed and my eyes couldn’t focus well, but I could still see her in front of me. Reaching out and crawling forward, I found her thigh with my hand.
With my chest tightening around my heart and lungs, I grabbed for her and pulled her closer until my head was against her stomach.
“Don’t leave!” I begged. “Please, baby. I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to…please, please, God, Raine—don’t go!”
I clung to her.
Raine.
My lifeline.
The sails of my ship.
The only calm for my storm.
My only reason to exist in this fucked up world.
“Don’t leave me!” I sobbed against her. If she pushed me away, if she turned around and left me, I wouldn’t survive. No tournament game would matter. No orphaned child would matter. I couldn’t do any of it without her.
When I felt her hand cradle the back of my head, I almost dropped the rest of the way to the floor. If I hadn’t been clutching her so tightly, I probably would have. Tears burned as I clenched my eyes shut, and I was sure Raine’s shirt was getting soaked with them. I didn’t care. None of that mattered. The only thing that mattered was holding on to her.
“Don’t go,” I pleaded again.
“I’m not going,” she said quietly. “I’m right here, Bastian. I’m not going anywhere.”
“I’m sorry,” I cried. Raine said something under her breath, but I couldn’t hear it through my own sobbing. Her hand ran through the hair on the back of my head as she sunk down to her knees and held my head against her shoulder.
We stayed like that for a long time, kneeling on the floor and holding on to each other. I wrapped my arms underneath hers and up around her shoulders, trying to keep her as close to me as possible. Even though she said she wouldn’t leave, I was afraid she could change her mind at any moment.
The dizziness of overindulgence wrapped itself around my head. My nose was stuffed up, and I couldn’t breathe properly. A moment later, my stomach joined the party.
Fuck.
“Gonna be sick,” I muttered as I pushed away from her. I blundered my way into the bathroom just in time to fall against the toilet and start puking. My stomach heaved and my hands shook. My back arched as my body tried to eliminate all the shit I had put into it. I could hardly hold myself up when I was done, but Raine was right there with her hand on my shoulder, offering me a glass of water.
I rinsed my mouth and spat into the toilet before reaching up to flush it.
“What the hell happened with the toothpaste?” Raine mumbled quietly.
I glanced up to see her picking my toothbrush off of the floor and wiping the paste out of the sink. She carefully distributed a little onto the brush and knelt beside me.
“Do you think you’re done?” she asked.
I thought about it for a second before nodding.
“Do you need help with this?” She held up the brush, and I shook my head. “I’ll be in the bedroom when you’re finished.”
My head was a little clearer as I leaned against the sink and cleaned myself up. I brushed my teeth, splashed water all over my face, and looked at myself in the mirror. My normally blue eyes looked almost purple with all the bloodshot lines running through them. I was pale, and my hair was a mess. I tried to calm it with my fingers before I put everything away as best I could and headed to the bedroom.
I looked at Raine where she sat up on her side of the bed. She had the blankets pulled back on my side, so I crawled in beside her, reaching out tentatively. I was relieved and a little surprised when she accepted my embrace and pulled me close to her.
“What happened, Bastian?”
“I ordered a drink,” I whispered.
“Where?”
“Bar Crudo.”
“The place down the block?”
“Yes,” I said. “I go there every day.”
“You go to that bar every day?”
I nodded.
“And…and what?” her voice broke. “You usually just sober up before I get home?”
“No!” I looked up to her, pleading. “I never have before—I swear. I’m there every day, but I never order anything. This was the first time. Please believe me, Raine—this was the only time. I didn’t mean to…it just…it just happened.”
Raine’s lips mashed together as she stared at me.
“I don’t know if I should believe you or not,” she said.
“I swear,” I repeated. “I never drank anything there or at that other place.”
“What other place?”
Shit.
I really wasn’t handling this well. I was just sober enough after puking to know how much worse I was making it.
“There was one other bar I went to,” I admitted. “That night I got pissed and left you with Lindsay and Nick.”
“That’s why you were gone so long,” she surmised.
“Yeah,” I admitted, “but I didn’t drink anything, not a drop.”
She nodded her head slowly. I wasn’t sure if she believed me or not, but when she started stroking the back of my head, I decided not to care right at the moment. I tucked my head into her shoulder. She smelled so nice, and her hands were warm on my head. I felt my dick getting hard from the proximity of her body, and I pulled her a little closer.
“My cock still wants you,” I said.
“I kind of doubt you are up for that right now,” Raine replied tersely.
“It’s up for it,” I countered. “Anytime I’m near you.”
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