by Shay Savage
“I think maybe Raine, too,” he said. “She’s not my mom, though. She’s your mom.”
“Raine’s my mom?” I had to laugh at the idea.
“She’s not?” His brow furrowed.
“She’s my girlfriend,” I corrected.
“Oh.”
The news didn’t seem to faze him at all. He studied the picture for a moment before switching to a purple crayon and adding a shirt to the picture of himself. He made his pants yellow and his shoes blue.
I couldn’t help it—there were some things I just had to know.
“How do you know I’m your dad?” I asked. “We haven’t met before.”
“Raine told me what you looked like.”
It wasn’t exactly what I was going for, but this was all new territory for me. I was having a hard enough time keeping my language clean. I knew what I couldn’t say, just not what I should say.
“I meant, how did you know…or did you know…”
I bit my tongue to stop the natural curse that formed there. It hadn’t been very long since Jillian had been killed, and the last thing I wanted to do was upset the kid at our first meeting. Still, I needed some answers.
“Did you know that your mom’s…your mom’s husband…did you know he wasn’t your dad?”
“Yeah,” Alex said without looking up.
“How did you know that?”
“Mom and Ian yelled at each other a lot,” Alex explained. “When she was mad at him, she’d say he wasn’t my real dad. I didn’t know who my real dad was until Raine told me about you.”
The idea that Jillian had picked fights with her husband didn’t surprise me in the least—that woman could be a hellcat. I was a little pissed she had obviously fought in front of Alex but not necessarily shocked by it.
“What did Raine tell you?” I asked.
“She said you were strong,” Alex said. “She said you had big muscles to always keep us safe. She said even though you weren’t here yet, that’s what you were doing. That’s why we had to stay here, so you could make us safe again.”
I looked Alex over carefully, trying to determine any signs of distress, but I couldn’t see any. His words were matter-of-fact, like he’d practiced saying them or at least had been thinking about them frequently. I couldn’t figure out if he was scared or not, and that bothered me. I wanted him to know that he would be okay.
“That’s exactly what I’m going to do,” I said definitively. “Just like Raine said—I’m going to make sure both of you are safe, and then maybe we’ll find a house we can all live in together. What do you think of that?”
“That would be okay,” Alex said. “Raine said we were going to find a house on the internet, but there isn’t a computer here.”
“Well, when we find a house for all of us,” I said, “I’ll make sure you have the best computer out there. You can play games and do your homework on it.”
“Ugh!” Alex cried out, startling me. He arched his back halfway over the chair and splayed out his arms. A couple crayons fell to the floor. “I hate homework!”
I grinned as I looked around the room at the books, action figures, and stuffed animals all over the floor.
“I bet you don’t like cleaning up your toys either, do you?”
He rolled his head to the side, keeping himself bent backwards over the chair.
“Of course not!”
I laughed at his display.
“I bet Raine makes you clean them up though, doesn’t she?”
He took in a big breath and let it out in a huff.
“Yeah.”
I grinned.
“I’ll tell you a secret,” I said as I leaned closer to him.
“What?” he asked, his interest piqued.
“She makes me clean up my stuff, too.”
I was rewarded with a smile.
“I’m going to go talk to Raine,” I said to Alex. “Will you show me the picture when it’s done?”
“Sure.” Alex righted himself in the chair and went back to his work.
When I came back into the main living area, Raine was in the kitchen with bread and peanut butter on the counter in front of her. She stopped and looked at me as I came out.
“You were right,” I said. I couldn’t stop the smile on my face. “He’s awesome.”
“He really is.” Raine’s expression mirrored my own. “I see more and more of you in him every day.”
“What does he know?” I asked. “I mean, he said a little, and you must have told him I was his father…”
“I didn’t tell him; Landon did,” Raine informed me. “When he brought me here, and Alex came out of his room, Landon told him I was going to take care of him until his dad got here.”
“Fuck,” I muttered. “How did he react?”
“I think he already knew Jillian’s husband wasn’t his father,” Raine said. “He didn’t seem surprised, just took it all in stride. I tried to talk to him about his mother a little, but he doesn’t say much. He knows they’re both dead, but I can’t get much of a reaction out of him. I kind of think he’s in shock about it all.”
“Why don’t you know who your parents are?”
“I don’t remember them.”
“How can you not remember your own parents?”
“I just don’t, okay?”
“Everyone remembers their parents. Are yours dead?”
“I don’t know.”
“How can you not know that?”
“Just shut the fuck up!”
I tried to shake the memory from my head, but it lingered a while. If anything, it solidified my resolve to win this tournament and give Raine and Alex some kind of normal life—the kind of life I never had. There was no way I’d let Alex be bombarded with the kinds of questions I always had to deal with as a child.
No fucking way was that going to happen to my kid.
“Bastian? You okay?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Just thinking. I don’t want him to grow up like I did.”
Raine lowered the knife full of peanut butter and walked over to me. She coiled her arms around my back and held me against her. I brought my arms up and returned the embrace.
“He’s so smart,” Raine said quietly. “You won’t believe how smart he is. I think as long as he knows we’re going to take care of him, he’ll be just fine.”
I wasn’t sure if it was going to be that simple or not, but I was willing to believe it. I wanted to believe it. I wanted to know he was going to be all right when all this was over.
Assuming any of us were all right.
I heard the sound of the lock at the door and turned to find Landon motioning me outside. I told Raine I’d be right back and went out into the bitter wind to speak with him.
“It’s set,” Landon said. “The tournament will begin the day after tomorrow.”
“What’s the plan?”
“Stay here tonight,” he said. “In the morning, we’ll get on the plane and head up there. The usual pre-tournament party for the elite is tomorrow night, and then it’s on.”
I nodded.
“I’m staying with her.”
“I figured as much,” Landon responded. “Don’t let it distract you.”
I ignored his tone.
“Give me your phone,” I said to Landon.
“Why?” he asked with narrowed eyes.
“This little party has fucked up Raine’s semester at school,” I said simply, “and I’m going to fix it.”
He debated only a few seconds before handing me the phone.
“I don’t have to tell you to use caution, do I?”
“Nope,” I responded.
I browsed the university website on the tiny screen until I figured out how to reach the first of Raine’s professors.
“Doctor Michaels?”
“Speaking.”
“This is Detective Masterson from Miami Dade,” I said smoothly. “I’m calling regarding one of your students, Miss Raine Gayle.”
“Yes, sir,” he replied. I could hear from his voice that he was already intrigued. “Is she in some kind of trouble?”
“I’m afraid I can’t discuss the details with you at this time,” I replied. “I just need your understanding and cooperation. Miss Gayle will be in protective custody for the next few weeks pending an important trial out of state. Needless to say, she won’t be finishing her semester, but she’s concerned about the hard work she’s already done in your class specifically.”
“Of course!” Michaels said. “Anything I can do to help. Miss Gayle is an excellent student. I’ve been wondering what happened to her.”
“She’s perfectly fine,” I said. “We just need to do what we can for her right now. Would you be willing to collect all her remaining schoolwork for the class and forward it on?”
He agreed completely, as I figured he would. Her remaining professors did the same, and Landon helped me arrange to have her work picked up at the university student center by a courier under Franks’ control. She’d have it all within a few days and had until the first of May to complete and return it. That gave her plenty of time.
It also gave her something else to think about besides what I had to do.
Tomorrow’s activities were set. At least for now, I’d spend my time with my family.
Back in the apartment Franks had set up for Raine and Alex, I sat awkwardly at the table in the kitchen while they ate sandwiches. Raine offered me one, but that was junk food in my book, so I declined.
“Can’t you give him something healthier?” I mumbled.
“He’s just a kid, Bastian. It’s peanut butter and jelly, not candy bars.”
I looked over the sugar content on the label of the jelly jar and cringed. The bread Raine had used for the sandwiches was that squishy white stuff, too.
“Jesus, Raine,” I said, “this is pure shit!”
“Watch your mouth!” she said with a hiss.
I rolled my eyes, but I knew she was right. I looked over at Alex, but he was face-deep in peanut butter and not paying any attention.
“He didn’t hear me,” I said.
“Maybe not this time,” she countered.
“It’s still crap food.”
“Well,” Raine continued, “this is what they give me. It’s not like I’m doing the shopping myself. You know I don’t usually buy this kind of stuff because you always throw a fit.”
All right, I couldn’t argue with that. I could tell the assholes in Franks’ employ to get her some better quality food though. Of course, I had no idea what kids liked to eat—weren’t they supposed to be picky eaters or something? Was I going to have to spout a plethora of arguments about why vegetables had to be eaten?
I’m so unprepared for fatherhood, it’s not even funny.
As I sat there and thought about it, I realized just how correct that statement was. I didn’t know what I was doing. Raine seemed so natural with Alex, and I didn’t even know what he’d want to eat for dinner. I’d spent years of effort pushing the memory of his existence as far into the back of my mind as possible; I never even considered needing any information about children. I couldn’t exactly use my own past as a delinquent skipping from one foster home to another as a model.
I had no clue what a six-year-old was like. I didn’t even know where to start.
“Fuck,” I muttered under my breath.
“Bastian!” Raine snarled. “Stop it!”
I was about to take myself out of the room to let out a good string of cuss words when Alex spoke up.
“You aren’t supposed to say bad words, Dad.”
That single word melted me. It flowed over my flesh like warm bath water and sunk into me so deeply, I could feel it in my core. My throat felt like it was closing up on me, and there was burning pressure building up behind my eyes. I felt Raine’s fingers brush over my thigh, and I forced myself to swallow.
“You’re right, Alex,” I finally said. “I shouldn’t.”
Alex and Raine finished their sandwiches, and we spent the rest of the day sitting on the living room floor with Alex, placing little plastic bricks together in such a way that they ended up looking like little spaceships. There were astronaut figures to add to the cockpits, and Alex flew them around the room, sparking memories from my own fucked-up past.
With a plastic airplane in my hand, I make buzzing sounds as I hold it high above my head and run in circles around the room. It’s the very best plane from the box. All the others are scratched up or rusty.
Jared, the new kid in the foster home, finishes the wooden puzzle he’s been working on and looks over to me.
“It’s my turn to play with the plane!”
“No, it isn’t,” I say. My skin quivers through my body as I hold the toy close to my chest. He’d played with it all day yesterday. I’ve only had it for a few minutes, and I’m not about to give it up now.
It is a something. It is a something important, and if I give it to him, I have nothing.
“It’s my turn!” Jared insists. He looks over to Miss Janet and yells to her. “Sebastian’s not sharing!”
“Share the toys,” Miss Janet says without looking up from the crossword in the newspaper. She scribbles in a word then purses her lips and erases it again.
“She said you have to share,” Jared says with a sneer.
My hands shake as I hold the plane tightly in my fingers. I won’t give it to him. I won’t.
Jared reaches out and tries to grab it from me, but I push him away. He lands on the carpet and cries out.
“He pushed me!”
Miss Janet tells me to stop in the same, tired voice.
Jared stands and comes at me, and I shove him again—harder this time. The plastic wing of the plane is cutting into my fingers a little as I hold it tightly. I take a step forward and kick him in the side.
“It’s mine!” I shout. “You can’t play with it!”
“Sebastian!” Miss Janet yells as she looks over at me. “Give Jared the plane!”
The shaking in my hands travels through the rest of my body. It’s all I have. Jared has everything, even parents who are just waiting for the court system to say their house is in good enough shape for him to come home. He has them, he has a home, he has his own toys, and I have nothing.
Screaming at the top of my voice, I throw the plane against the wall. The shaking turns to pressure in my head and chest as I watch it fall in little pieces to the floor.
“You see what you did!” I scream at Jared as I launch myself at him.
Shaking the memory away, I swore to myself again that Alex was not going to have the same kind of life that was forced upon me as a child. I wasn’t going to let that happen to him.
Promptly at eight o’clock, Raine coerced Alex into taking a bath. I watched as he floated little boats around in the water and Raine washed his hair. Seeing her with him made me feel proud of her but also extremely inadequate. How did she know how to do these things? I was at a total loss.
“Can you grab some pajamas for him?” Raine asked.
“Where are they?”
“Second drawer.”
I went into his bedroom and dug around through the dresser until I came up with a faded pair of PJs with Spiderman all over the fabric in various heroic poses. Alex held onto my shoulder as he stepped into them, and Raine dried off his hair and handed him a toothbrush.
“Can Dad pick out a story to read?” Alex asked.
I looked to Raine, nearly panicked. I’d never read a story to a kid in my life.
“Of course he can,” Raine said. She grinned at me and leaned close. “He likes the one called The Hungry Thing.”
After a little digging, I found the book on the floor beneath Alex’s dirty clothes. I tossed the clothes in the hamper near the door and pulled one of the plastic chairs to the edge of the bed. Alex settled in, and Raine pulled the blanket up to his chin.
I held the book in my lap and chewed on the edge of my thumb, uns
ure of how to begin. Raine raised her eyebrows at me and nodded her head toward the book. I took in a deep breath, opened the cover, and began to read in a shaky voice.
It was a weird story about a creature coming into a town and demanding various things to eat, but it never said the words right. Only one kid in town was able to understand what it wanted. Alex laughed every time the creature demanded a new dish.
When I arrived at the end of the story, Raine kissed Alex on the forehead and told him goodnight before she walked out of the room. I stood there for a minute, not sure if I should do the same or not.
Apparently tired of my hesitation, Alex looked at me and held out his arms. Glad for the invitation, I reached down and gave him a hug.
“’Night, Dad.”
“Goodnight…son.” I choked.
Raine was standing in the hall with a grin on her face.
“That was pretty good,” she said.
“I’ve never done that before,” I admitted.
She placed a brief kiss on my cheek.
“You’re a natural.”
I wanted to deny it. I wanted to tell her I had no fucking clue what I was doing, and watching how good she was with Alex was a little intimidating. That little, abused kid inside of me wanted to remind her that she’d be better off finding some dude with a regular job who could drink an occasional glass of wine without losing control of himself.
I didn’t.
Her hand brushed over my cheek, and I didn’t want to say those things. I didn’t want her to find someone else.
I wanted to be that man.
Well, probably sans glass of wine with dinner, but everything else.
Could I do that? Was there any chance I would be able to give her everything she deserved to have in life without my past always getting in the way? I’d dwelled on it for so long, allowed it to make me into someone who couldn’t handle a fucking dinner party with his girl’s friends, that I wasn’t sure I could ever be any other way.
Fuck that.
She deserved more, and I wasn’t going to deny her. I could never let her go, but I could change myself. I could be what she needed most. I could be a father to Alex, one worthy of the title, and in the process, I would make myself into a man she would be proud to call hers.
