“She is drowning in sorrow. She isn’t getting better but worse. She is letting the sorrow drag her under. When you let the sorrow finally take ahold, it masquerades as numbness for a little while. You finally start to feel a little better, and the negative thing that you’re doing to yourself becomes your lifeline until the numbness gives way to soul-crushing pain, and you can’t take it anymore.”
I knew that she knew what she was talking about. I could see it in the passion in her eyes and by the scars that were up and down her arms. She knew that Bri was in trouble.
“What negative thing?” I didn’t really need to ask the question, but I wanted confirmation, nonetheless.
“You know . . .”
I almost sobbed when she confirmed it.
“She’s hurting herself,” I said to myself as I touched Aubry’s self-induced scars. Bri was hurting herself.
I needed to help her.
“I . . .”
“It’s okay, Aiden,” Aubry said as I felt the tears well up in my eyes. “Just go to her. Talk to her. Love her.”
“Thank you. I am so sorry this happened,” I told her with a sigh of regret.
“You have nothing to be sorry for except for being a dick after the dinner.” I laughed at that. “Just go help Bri and then be ready to teach me how to win fights with only one hand on Monday.”
“You . . .” I sighed, not even knowing the right words to explain how amazing she was. “You are so incredible.”
She sighed and shook her head. “That’s not true, but thank you anyways.”
“You’re perceptive of everyone but yourself,” I said with a headshake.
“Do you think . . . I could possibly stay here tonight?” Aubry said shyly. “I . . . I really don’t want to face my dad like this yet,” she added timidly.
I nodded. “I don’t think t’was going to let you leave anyways. He’s really worried. I’ll go talk to him. Get some sleep, Aub. You look exhausted.”
I slowly left the room as she laid back painfully. I winced at the whimpers that were escaping her lips. Her ribs must’ve really been in bad shape.
I slowly walked up to Tommy after I exited the room.
“She knows?” he asked as soon as he saw me.
I nodded in confirmation.
“Good, she deserves to.”
“She’s going to fight,” I stated while turning to one of the punching bags and taking a few swings.
“I figured, even you can’t tell her what to do!” Tommy said, smiling. “Y’all are too much alike. Have you accepted the fact that you like her yet?” Tommy asked.
I stopped punching quickly. “Honestly, I don’t know what I feel for her. I know that when I told her to stay away from me, I wanted to throw up. I know that she has demons in her past just like me. But . . . I also know that I want to be the one to help her kill all those demons.” I sighed and shook my head in annoyance. “I know that she knows me in a different way than everyone else does. She’s different, and what I feel for her is different. And I know that it scares the hell out of me.”
He smiled and shook his head at me. “Well . . . at least you’re trying to get yourself out of denial.” He laughed at my glare.
“I’m going to get home; I have something that I have to do. You made sure that Brandon doesn’t go back to try to kill Ronnie by himself alright?”
“Yeah . . . He’s actually at your house. I told him to go check on Bri since she was acting weird at Pawpaw’s party.”
“Good. You don’t mind staying here with her, do you?” I asked as I nodded towards the training room. “She’s too beat up to go home tonight.”
“Did you honestly think that I was going to let her out of my sight?” he asked incredulously. “She’s the type of girl who will cough up blood, completely ignore it and then help an old lady cross a road while she’s the one dying. It’s ridiculous. She needs someone to watch over her.”
I smiled and nodded at my cousin. “You’re a good guy, Tom.”
“So are you, Aid. You just don’t see it in yourself.”
***
When I walked into my house, I heard loud snores coming from the living room. I couldn’t help but laugh at my best friend’s ridiculously loud sleep.
I sighed as I made my way down the hall. I was going to wait until the next day, but the shadow moving under Bri and Cece’s door caught my attention.
I knew that it was Bri. I knew that she hardly ever slept. She was up at all hours of the night doing God knows what.
I knocked on the door softly after a long moment of bucking up the courage to do so.
“B, I told you—” She stopped immediately when she opened the door and realized that it was me.
“It’s not B,” I said dumbly.
“Obviously. What?” she asked harshly.
“Can I talk to you?” I whispered as Cece moved in her bed. Briana looked at me weirdly and looked around as if to see if there was someone else around that I was talking to. “Please, Bri?”
She sighed and nodded while tightening the sweater that she was wearing around her and followed me into my room. I gestured for her to sit on my bed while I took the floor.
“She told you?” Bri accused with a whimper.
“Not technically . . . but I think I already knew.” I sighed and tried to hold in the tears that wanted to fall with hers.
“Bri . . .”
“I know! I’m weak and pathetic. I just . . . I just can’t be strong. I’m not strong.”
“No. Briana, no . . . You are so strong.”
She scoffed at my words. “Oh? And that’s why you stopped talking to me and began ignoring me?”
“I am so sorry.” The tears finally fell down my cheeks. I felt so bad for treating her the way I had been. “I thought that keeping my distance was going to help you. I thought that you hated me and blamed me. I just . . . I wanted to do right by you.” I almost sobbed. “I just wanted to help you, and by trying to help you by cutting me out of your life, I hurt you.”
She stayed quiet as she studied me.
“Bri, I am so sorry. I never meant to hurt you . . . I love you. I truly thought that you hated me. I love you . . . I really do.”
She sobbed at my words.
“Bri, I only want what’s best for you. And this . . . She let me roll up her sweater sleeves revealing several fresh cuts. This isn’t it. We need to get you some help.”
“I . . . I’m too messed up to be helped,” she sobbed violently, and I wrapped her up in a hug. “I’m broken and scarred in too many ways. No one will ever want me again after everything that happened.”
“No. Don’t ever say that. You are amazing!” I rocked her gently as she cried. “You are so strong for being able to hang on this long. You went through something so traumatic and scary. I am so proud of you for being so strong, but I’m here now Bri. I know that it’s hard to trust me after the ass that I have been, but I promise that I will be there for you. I will hold you together so you can let yourself fall apart. You need help, Bri,” I sobbed as I spoke. “Let me help you. Let all of us help you. We’re all here. We all love you! I know that we let ourselves get in the way, but I won’t let that happen again.” I kissed the top of her head as she calmed down.
I pulled away from our hug and stared into her teary eyes. “Will you let me and everyone else help you?”
After a few moments of contemplation, she nodded slowly.
“Please . . . Please help me. I just . . . I want the pain gone.”
She started to cry again, and I let her as she laid down on my lap. I let her cry out her heartbreak to me. In the tears that she cried to me, though, I could see her tense shoulders begin to relax, her breathing finally begin to slow. After a few more minutes, she was fast asleep, and I breathed a sigh of relief.
I looked at the cuts on her arm. I felt like throwing up upon seeing them. I hated what had happened to her, what I had let her become. I just hoped that with mine and my family’s help,
we could make her whole again. Not back to the way she was because that would be impossible, but as a whole. Happy, in spite of Ronnie.
I hoped that we could get her to love herself and trust others again. I hoped and prayed it would be.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Nice To Have a Friend
Aubry
I had spent pretty much the whole day at the gym. Tom was keeping an annoyingly close eye on me. It was sweet, but I felt a little bad for keeping him preoccupied all day long.
I had actually learned a lot about Tommy in that single day. I had learned about his mother’s death just after his birth. Then, he told me of father’s death; a car wreck just a couple months after Aiden’s dad died. Then, a month later, Bri was attacked. I felt awful for their whole family. One family shouldn’t have that many tragedies all at once.
I also learned about how much he hated his step-mom and step-sister, not that I blamed him, they were both disasters. I’d hate to be stuck with them too.
I enjoyed Tommy’s company. He was funny and had high energy. He also was honest and never looked at me weird. He spoke to me easily and accepted me. It was a change, for sure.
I was also finally able to get some sleep—deep, wonderful, much-needed sleep. It was amazing. I will never take sleep for granted ever again.
I was ashamed to say that I was missing Aiden all day. I was annoyed at myself. I wanted to see him again, and it irrationally bothered me that he hadn’t come to see me. I knew that it really was irrational; it was completely ridiculous that I wanted him around so much. I felt completely pathetic.
When Monday came, I was hurting all over. Every time that I breathed, moved, or even just stayed still and held my breath, a blaring pain washed through me. The only thing that helped was the little pill that Tom had given me the night before for me to take in the morning. It helped, but it wasn’t much and didn’t last long enough.
When I got to my regular lunch table, I sat down heavily. I was absolutely exhausted. I was hurting and the pill was beginning to wear off. It had been a rough day.
When I had fully sat down and got as comfortable as I could get, a chair was being scraped out in front of me. I looked up, surprised. Nobody ever sat with me. Briana was standing behind the chair with an apprehensive look on her face.
“You don’t mind if I sit with you, right?” she asked cautiously, almost in a scared manner.
I shook my head slowly and moved my backpack to the side slightly. I was surprised as hell. I mean, I knew that we had bonded, but I didn’t realize that she had liked me enough to sit with me. I thought it was more that I was at the right place at the right time, and she was vulnerable.
“Have you always had this lunch period?” I asked.
I could feel eyes on us, but I tried to just focus on Bri. I tried not to let the eyes bother me, but I was not very good with attention. Although, it was a bit easier to ignore the stares of the high schoolers because I had absolutely no interest in what anyone else thought.
She smiled slightly and nodded while looking down.
I knew that she felt the looks too.
“Yeah . . . I’ve always sat right over there.” She pointed behind me.
“Ah, that explains why I’ve never seen you . . .” I said quietly.
I watched her pull out her lunch and wanted to cry. I shouldn’t have been all that hungry; Tom had treated me to lunch the day before, but watching her pull out food in front of me, activated a primal part in my brain that instantly triggered hunger pains. I was suddenly very jealous of the girl across from me who was eating a simple sandwich.
“Well if it isn’t ugly and uglier! You make such a cute couple!” a boy from a group of semi-popular kids said while walking up to the table.
Briana’s face fell quickly. I just rolled my eyes. I couldn’t really relate to any of that too much because I always flew so far under the radar that I never got bullied. I was so invisible that I didn’t even exist to most of the people in my high school. That sounded a little sad if I thought of it that way.
“How does it feel to finally meet someone that’s even uglier than you?” a short girl asked, though I wasn’t sure who the question was directed at.
I opened my mouth to defend Bri and to tell them to go away, but a voice from behind me spoke first. “Don’t you dare talk about my little sister like that,” the deep voice that I’ve come to know and like said.
Everyone stiffened at his commanding voice. “Y-Your sister?” someone asked fearfully.
I was so proud that he was standing up for her. I smiled widely as he came and stood on the opposite side of the table from the mean kids.
“Yes, my sister. Aiden Clark, Briana Clark . . . make sense?” he snarled. “I don’t want to ever hear another word said to or about my sister ever again. Understand?” Aiden paused, waiting for someone to answer.
No one said a word, they all just stood around looking at each other in horror.
“Understand?!” he repeated much louder.
“Yes,” everyone murmured and dispersed at his threatening glare. He was very effective.
Aiden and Brandon both looked at the two of us. “Are you okay Bri?” Aiden asked, leaning towards his little sister with soft eyes.
“Yes Aiden, thanks,” Briana said, smiling up at her brother.
She was really happy; it made me happy to see her so happy for a second, at least.
“Do y’all want to sit with us? Both of you?” Brandon asked nicely.
“No,” I denied instantly. I knew that some of the kids that had just insulted me were sitting over there, and not to mention Bridget. I was fine in my own little world at my own little table. “I mean, no thanks. I’m fine right here,” I corrected, trying not to sound too rude, but that was just who I was as a person. I had never been taught social niceties or anything of the sort.
“Bri, you go ahead if you want. Don’t feel obliged to sit with me.”
“I’m sitting with Aubry, thanks though,” she said simply.
The boys nodded and headed off to their usual table. Although, they looked put-off and confused as they sat with their regular group.
“You know that you don’t have to sit with me, right? I mean, most people want to sit with your brother and them. I won’t be mad or offended,” I said, following her gaze to the table.
She shook her head quickly. “Oh no . . . I’m sitting with my friend. Besides, all of them are fake and insult me on a daily basis, so I’m good.”
There was a long pause between us as she ate, and I just stared off into space, trying to force myself to breathe normally.
“Aubry . . . Thanks for whatever you said to Aiden, I appreciate it. He’s like a new person, almost. He’s acting like my brother again.”
I nodded and diverted my attention feeling awkward at her thanks. I wasn’t good with gratitude since I had never really experienced it before.
“He likes you, you know? He just doesn’t understand it yet. He’s never seriously liked anyone before.”
I shifted awkwardly in my seat and flinched because of my ribs. I was also not good with feelings. I never had time for those before, except fear and hatred. I had those pretty mastered.
Bri wasn’t put off by my silence, nor was she bothering me. She made me feel comfortable. We were kindred spirits and we both knew it.
Suddenly, the chair was being pulled out beside me, and Aiden sat down in it. I gave him a questioning glance as he looked at me thoroughly. I knew he was trying to see if I was okay.
“Here, I forgot to give this to you due to all the idiots that were bothering y’all,” Aiden whispered in my ear and discreetly handed me a pill and slid a bottle of water to me.
“Oh, thank you!” I said with relief as I felt myself relax a little bit. I breathed a sigh of relief. I could have kissed him right then and there. I took the pill and hoped that it would work fast. I needed some relief.
“Y’all are just too cute,” Briana cooed from across the
table.
Aiden rolled his eyes at her and got up, making a quick exit from the cafeteria. I watched him walk away and was completely confused when I found myself wanting him to stay.
Briana and I continued to talk for a while. It was mostly about the holiday coming up and her family’s traditions. It was just a few more days before winter break was officially kicking off. Everyone was excited about the two weeks off from school. I was too, except for the temperature that was steadily declining. We lived towards the south, so it didn’t get too cold until after Christmas, but that didn’t mean that it still didn’t kick my butt when I was looking for a warm spot to stay in.
Briana made me feel nice. She made me feel almost normal. It was nice to have a friend and someone to talk to. I felt like I went through most of my day in silence, but thanks to Bri, I finally got a little human interaction other than fighting.
The bell rang and we both got up. She was up rather quickly, but I had to go very slowly due to my ribs. With no warning, she suddenly hugged me tightly. It made me want to scream. However, it also made me want to cry, but not out of pain. I couldn’t quite identify the feelings that I was experiencing in that moment.
“Thank you Aubry, for everything. For the first time in a long time, I actually feel hopeful. You really are a good friend,” Briana said quickly after the hug and walked off to her class.
“Me too,” I whispered after I finally got my bearings back. “Me too . . .”
***
It was past 9 PM, and everyone was gone from the gym. Only Aiden, Tommy, and I were left.
“Okay guys, y’all should call it quits. You’re going to wear yourself out, Aubry.” Tommy gave me a stern look as he was getting ready to head out. “I can see that you’re already hurting, so stop for tonight and ice down. You’re going to push yourself over the edge.”
I rolled my eyes at him, I knew he was right.
“Aiden . . .” Tom said with a look. I knew that he was basically saying to take control. Tommy walked out of the gym after that.
I sighed. I knew that I needed to stop, but I also needed to practice. I had a fight coming up on the weekend, and I couldn’t even make a fist with my dominant hand. I needed a whole hell of a lot more training if I even stood a chance.
Fighting For Life Page 22
