God, I missed him. As soon as I heard his vehicle drive away, I busted into tears and sobs as I slid down the door.
I missed him! Everything was so messed up!
After a few seconds, I felt an arm wrap around my shoulder. I leaned into the touch instantaneously.
“Oh Aub . . .” Brandon whispered as he cradled me. “I know you miss him . . . It’s going to be okay.”
“He hates me. How will it ever be okay?” I sobbed.
“I don’t know, but it will be. I’ll be here with you Aub, always. I love you and so does Aiden. I know you can’t see it, but he does.” Brandon helped me up off the floor and guided me to the couch.
“Thank you for distracting Ronnie. That was an amazing thing to do for Bri. I am so sorry that you got hurt, though. I-I want to be mad that you put yourself in danger like that, but I am just so grateful for you. I’m glad that Bri still has a friend like you. I mean, even when she’s acting the way she is, she can still count on you, That’s amazing and it shows just the kind of person you are. Next time, though, please don’t put yourself in that situation. I don’t want you harmed either . . .” He kissed the top of my head just as Tommy had at the gym and sat on the floor in front of the couch as I got comfortable.
“Now, I’ll sit here until you fall asleep. Goodnight, Aub. You deserve happiness. Please don’t tell yourself any different.”
Chapter Fifty-One
Deserve It
AUBRY
Aiden began avoiding me again, not that I blamed him. I mean, what did I expect? For him to just fall at my feet after helping me and for everything to get back to normal? That would have been nice, but I absolutely did not expect that.
However, I was still hoping for some sort of interactions between us. I really needed him in my life. He always made everything better for me. I obviously made everything worse for him, though.
His avoidance was really bad, this time. It was even worse than the time before. It made my chest ache knowing that he’d rather inconvenience himself completely than to simply just see me. I didn’t even catch a glimpse of him in the almost two weeks that had passed. I only ever seen him at the Underground during his fight and then he disappeared right into the crowd afterwards.
With every win that I got, Aiden got one too. It was the last Saturday before the finals. That meant I only had one more fight to win before I inevitably fought Aiden.
I was terrified. I had turned into a decent fighter because I was trained by the best. However, we all knew that I was going to have to face the best. I wouldn’t even delude myself into thinking that I stood even a small chance against Aiden. He was too good for me to fight . . . I also couldn’t fight him. Anyone but him.
“Are you ready to head out, Aub?” Brandon asked cautiously.
He looked at me with an eyebrow raised and studied me. I was obviously in my own little world and completely spaced out. It had been that way since Aiden helped me. Well, really, it had been that way since I had stopped cutting. I just always had so many thoughts running through my head. It was driving me crazy, and I wish they’d just quit. Apparently, the cutting had been helping me with my anxiety too.
Brandon had tried to make me go to a therapist, but I had no money to do that with. There was certainly no way that I was going to let him pay for it. I wouldn’t take any of his money, even when he offered to help a little bit with my debt. It was my mess . . . all of it, my mind included.
So, instead of therapy, I leveled with him and told him that I would try really, really hard not to cut. I couldn’t exactly promise him anything, but I really had been trying. I had only slipped up a handful of times in the short weeks—that was really saying something because how I was before was horrendous.
“S-Sorry, yeah . . . I’m ready,” I answered lightly as I rubbed my face. I wasn’t ready.
We walked to his car. I paused at the door, waiting for him to unlock it. My face reflected off of the car door window, and I studied it. I had almost healed bruises covering quite a few spots, I had a cut on my upper lip, and my skin was finally getting some color back to it. I didn’t look great, but I looked a whole lot better than I had been looking. I was grateful for that, but I couldn’t stop the guilty feeling in my chest due to the improvements.
He finally unlocked it, and we both got into his car. We rode in silence on the way to the Underground. He kept glancing at me from the side, I could tell he was worried about me.
In all truthfulness, I was worried about me too. I felt crazy, and my mind always reminded me of my wrongdoings.
Tommy had been right, and it pissed me off that he was right. The awful people in my past really had conditioned me to think that I deserved the bad things in life. I thought that I had beaten them because I was a fighter. I fought them. I never took things lying down, but even though I fought . . . I had accepted the bad things as simply just a part of my life. I might not have accepted the consequences that came with my shitty life, but I accepted that it was my shitty life. I never tried to get out of it because it was all I knew. It was what I was conditioned into thinking was normal for me.
His phone rang loudly, bringing me back out of my thoughts. I could tell pretty quickly by the way he was talking that it was Bri on the other end. I tuned him out, trying to give them a little bit of privacy.
Briana had not going to the Underground after the whole Ronnie incident. It really wasn’t by choice. Well . . . It might have been a little bit by choice, but I could tell her almost run-in with him shook her up badly. However, it was officially Aiden and B who told her she wasn’t allowed to go. She had decided to oblige to placate them for the last two Saturdays. However, we all knew that she was not going to take no for an answer or the finals. She wanted to see who would win that match.
Frankly, I just thought she wanted to see me get my ass beat by her brother.
She did thank me after she found out about the Ronnie situation. She was very grateful for me stepping in and protecting her. She even apologized about my injury. Honestly, I was fine, though. I got the stitches in my arm out a few days later and my hand was almost healed. There was no harm done, really. I felt like deserved more than that for everything that I had done to her and her family.
I could see a change in her after that. I could see that she was truly trying to be nice to me. Anytime Brandon came up to talk to me or gave me a ride somewhere when she was with him, she was cordial. She didn’t really talk that much, but she wasn’t near as cold to me as before.
Brandon said that she was trying to forgive me, but her emotions were getting the better of her.
I understood her that she was upset. I never pushed her on her forgiveness. I really didn’t think that I deserved it.
I wasn’t counting on either of them ever forgiving me. I mean, why would they? I was the drug dealer who had a hand in killing their father. I really didn’t deserve forgiveness.
I tried to look at it through their eyes. I mean, really, I hated my parents’s drug dealer too—not Demetri, their first drug dealer, Sunny.
That thought, comparing myself rationally to Sunny, made me want to die. In that sense, I really didn’t deserve to live. My mind instantly went to me almost jumping off of that cliff. I should have done it.
We arrived at the Underground, and Tom met up with us before we walked in. Tom and B both escorted me there the week before as well. They were “Ronnie’s lookout.”
Honestly, Ronnie didn’t scare me too much. He was just a big dumb oaf with psychotic tendencies. Sure, he knew how to fight and was strong, but I could outsmart him any day of the week. No, Ronnie wasn’t who I was worried about.
Who I was worried about was Daniel. At our last exchange, he said that he doesn’t have to “keep his hands off of me” anymore and that he’d be “seeing me around”. I had yet to see him, and that truly scared me more than anything else in the world. He was capable of some very sickening things.
Over the years, I had seen him do some despica
ble things to people. I certainly didn’t want to be on the receiving end of that.
God, I needed to win that fight.
We went into the low-class establishment, and I immediately ordered a drink from Jace. He could tell that I needed it and got it to me quickly. I had been so high-strung, and I needed it to take the edge off, I needed lots of drinks.
I hadn’t gotten drunk since moving in with Brandon. Honestly, I missed that feeling so much, the numbness. I needed that feeling.
I downed the drink instantly. Jace gave me a shot while giving me a strange look directly after.
“Hey, slow your roll, you don’t need to be drunk for this fight. Remember the last time you fought drunk?” Tommy said, putting his hand on mine that was holding the drink.
“Trust me, I’m not going to get drunk until after the fight. I learned my lesson,” I stated and downed the shot in a gulp.
I got another drink but nursed that one. Even though, I really wanted to pour it down my throat and forget about all of my pain. I had to wait . . . I had to win.
I waited very impatiently next to Brandon and Tommy for my fight to start. I was anxious, and I just wanted it to be over. Not to mention, I wanted to get shitfaced drunk.
“Hey B, is it cool if we stay here a little longer tonight to have some drinks?” I questioned skeptically.
Brandon hated the Underground. I mean, so did I . . . but Brandon really hated it. It was honestly a really gross place, but I could drink there for free. I seriously needed some drinks.
He contemplated for a second and finally sighed. “Yeah, I suppose we can have a few drinks as long as you win, deal?”
I nodded eagerly and then poured the rest of my drink in my mouth. Thank God, I needed to get messed up I needed to forget everything. I needed the numbness to engulf me completely.
Is that what alcoholism is? I mulled over that in my head. Was I an alcoholic?
I got another shot and gulped it down. I welcomed the burning sting with open arms.
Make me forget. Make me hurt less.
Finally, it was time to fight. Thank God, I was getting extremely antsy. I wanted to get it over with.
Tom ushered me to the stairs by the mats and nodded at me. I was still extremely nervous though. I began pulling at the loose long sleeves of my shirt that I had on.
I had to win.
“Aubry, you got this. Just take a deep breath and pretend it’s me up there. Knock him out,” Tom said calmly. “He’s good, but you’re better. Beat him up!”
With those words, I walked up the steps and faced my opponent. The crowd roared around us, but I could barely hear it. I was too focused on the guy that I was fighting.
He was very tall, muscular with a very large build, he had sleeves of tattoos on both arms, and was staring directly at me. I was the only thing he was focused.
He was obviously taking it seriously. Of course, why wouldn’t he be? It was the semi-finals. Obviously, I was good enough to make it that far. He didn’t say a single word as his stare pierced me. He would have been scary if I hadn’t lived the life I lived, surrounded by the people that I had lived with.
We both walked forward slowly as they were about to start the match. We met in the middle. The man smirked at me with a nasty smile. He had a very confident look on his face, but he was still taking this whole thing seriously. I looked like a little child compared to him.
“Hm, I didn’t think I was going to have the pleasure of beating Aiden’s girlfriend before I beat him. What a pleasant surprise! At least y’all will have something to talk about—me beating the both of you.”
I didn’t respond. I just let the anger seethe through me and make me mad. I was ready to kick the arrogant guy’s butt. Plus, how dare he think he could beat Aiden? Please, the dude was a joke. He was a joke that I was going to beat into nothingness.
The fight began, and his opening move was backwards. He thought that I was going to be the one to make the first move, but I refused. I wanted to see what the guy was made of. Also, I just wanted to annoy him. I wanted to show him that he had no power over me.
Once he figured out that I wasn’t going to attack him first, he shifted into offense mode. He came at me hard. He was fast, but I was faster, even with broken ribs. He swung time and time again, only catching me a few times. The blows were hard, but I could barely feel them through my adrenaline.
I began swinging back as well. I hit his nose on several occasions, his temple twice, and kicked his abdomen area too many times to count. He was obviously rethinking his game plan, but it was too late. I hit hard him in the chest, and he fell over.
Unfortunately, he got back up and came at me with a newfound fierceness. At first, I was able to keep up. I dodged and ducked easily. However, eventually he caught me. His fist connected with my cheek and then his leg connected with the left side of my stomach, killing my ribs. I collapsed down from the impact and pain in my abdomen and side.
Ugh, that hurt. I even felt like I was going to barf from the pain in my ribs. I couldn’t dwell on it though I had a fight to win.
I popped back up quickly, completely ignoring my pain at that point. As I got up, I was the one that got pissed. Screw this dude! He couldn’t win. I had to win no matter what!
I went at him with so much pent-up anger in response to my pain. His blood was gushing and covering my fists. I even felt the bones in his face crack under the pressure of my fist. He let out a groan and spit out blood from his mouth, but I wasn’t done.
Oh no . . . I still had more left in me. I punched once again and got him harshly in his temple, making him very disorientated. I used that to my advantage and kicked him in the upper stomach. I could feel ribs crack as he went backwards. My ribs for his ribs. He eventually ended up on the floor, whimpering.
I heard him panting, but he eventually got back up. He was obviously woozy. I almost felt kind of bad. However, the idiot then decided to smirk at me.
I blinked a few times as I looked at him. I was done. I took two long strides up to him, and I punched him directly in the bridge of his nose. He went down like a ton of bricks.
I watched him laid out on the floor as they counted down his allotted time to get up.
He never did.
My fists were held up in the air high to signify my win. I should have felt extremely happy, but all I felt was dread. I knew that it meant that when Aiden won his fight. I was going to have to fight him. As much as I had wanted to fight him before, I refused. I was terrified.
I found my way down the steps with a blank face. Tom was waiting there for me with a large smile. He held his hand up to high-five him, but he dropped it immediately when he saw that my fists were coated in my opponent’s blood.
His nose wrinkled in disgust as he stared at me. Blood was all over me, even dropping onto the floor and my clothes. I mean, at least it wasn’t my blood for a change.
“Jesus, you’re a savage . . .” Tom said with wide eyes. “Let’s go get you cleaned up.” He led me through the crowd to the bar. “Jace, I need a towel!” he shouted over all the noise.
Jace turned around and threw him one as soon as he saw the state of me. His nose wrinkled at the blood on my hands. My eyes flickered to the mats when I saw Jace cringe while looking that way. They were carrying Don out of the place on a stretcher. I couldn’t help but to feel bad. I shook my head as I tried not to dwell on it. I mean, he knew what he was getting into.
While Tommy cleaned my fists, Jace poured a few shots and drinks. He sat them all in front of me with a smile.
“Celebratory shots for your win and some drinks to start off what I’m sure is going to be a very long night for you, Aubry,” Jace said eloquently.
Tommy finished cleaning my hands and gave the towel back to Jace who looked sick at the blood. I didn’t care about the blood; I was just eager to get drunk. I took a shot and let the burning sensation go down my throat with ease. Brandon looked at me skeptically but reframed from commenting.
; “What?” I questioned with distaste. He hadn’t said anything to me since the fight. “Is something wrong?” I asked, looking around for a problem.
He usually was super cheerful, but he was just being a buzzkill at that moment. I wanted to get drunk and forget.
“It’s nothing, good job, Aub. I’m just worried. Now you have to fight Aiden once he wins,” he said slowly.
I looked down in fear. I was worried too.
“If you let me tell him he won’t fig—” he started, but I gave him a death glare.
“Brandon, you promised. You can’t tell him. It’s my story to tell, not yours.”
He sighed but nodded reluctantly. “I know, Aub . . . I just . . . I’m worried about the you. I wouldn’t tell him without your permission, though. It’d be wrong. I wouldn’t break your trust like that.”
He grabbed the shot that was in front of him and slid it to me. I grabbed it as I looked at him skeptically.
“Someone needs to stay sober,” he commented.
Tommy grabbed his shot and smiled widely at me. “I have no idea what the hell you two are talking about, but . . .” He shrugged and held the shot up to cheers with me.
“Congrats!” he said and we both threw the shots back into our mouths. The alcohol tried to fill the holes in my heart, but it failed. I needed more.
“What were y’all talking about, anyways?” Tommy asked nonchalantly.
“The fight with Aiden,” I answered.
His face fell, and he nodded hesitantly.
I picked up one of the drinks and chugged most of it in one drink. I didn’t want to think about him. I wanted to forget.
As if the universe wanted to taunt me, I heard screaming from all around and looked up involuntarily to the mats. He, of course, was standing there, eyeing his opponent like a predator.
I tilted my head back and gulped the rest of my drink down fast as lightning. I grabbed another drink quickly. It was as if my life depended on it.
Fighting For Life Page 63
