“Nothing,” I said way too fast to be convincing. Her hand trailed off my wrist, and I blew out a tired breath. She didn’t believe me, and if I were honest, I didn’t want her to. “I just…” I glanced at the ceiling, then back at her. “It was just a dream.” She raised her brow, silently telling me to continue, but I couldn’t find the right words. My stomach was tied in knots. “It was just my mind playing tricks on me, that’s all.”
Her voice changed. “So why can’t you tell me, then?” Gone was the confidence, and in its place, nervousness. Did she think I didn’t want to tell her? Because she was wrong. I wanted to tell her. I wanted to confide in her and tell her I was scared of how my brain caused me to react to situations. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t put that on her. It was bad enough for me to try and survive it, never mind adding it to all the other shit she had to deal with. I wouldn’t do that to her. I wouldn’t do it to us. We were in a fragile place, and I didn’t want to shatter it—shatter her.
“It’s…hard.” I winced. She knew what it was like to be in situations that people didn’t want to talk about, but she had no choice in me knowing her darkest moments. I’d been there, witnessed some of the worst moments of her life, and here I was, not willing to give an inch. I felt like a prick, but I couldn’t vocalize what I was thinking. I couldn’t find the right words to convey to her what I’d been through.
“Okay,” Elodie whispered and backed away. “I get it.” She glanced down at her bag, then zipped it open. There was nothing I wanted more than to be honest with her, to fuckin’ tell her what haunted me, but this wasn’t about me. This was about her healing first. She’d been to hell and back, and she didn’t need all the extra baggage I brought to the table.
I stared at the back of her head as she gathered up some clothes and moved over to the attached bathroom. She was done with the conversation. She’d given up on knowing what had happened. She’d prodded and poked, but I hadn’t given an inch of leeway. It was my own fault, no matter how much I wanted to tell her.
I just…couldn’t.
Chapter Seven
ELODIE
For five days, we’d danced around everything that had happened and pretended we were on vacation. The lake house was the perfect location: tranquil, beautiful, freeing. But that didn’t detract from the sadness and pain hanging over our heads. Things had been different between us. I wasn’t sure whether it was because of that night, or because I’d confronted Asher about his nightmare. Or maybe it was a mixture of both? He’d told me not to pretend on the way here, but now it was exactly what we were both doing.
I’d tried to talk to Asher about what had been bothering him, but he’d shut me down, pushed me away. So, I’d done the same. I hadn’t talked about what Knox had done to me; I hadn’t mentioned the physical pain I was in. Instead, I’d just taken the painkillers I’d bought from one of the shops in town and acted like it didn’t matter.
But the truth was, it did.
I didn’t want to pretend anymore. I didn’t want to wake up in a sweat feeling like I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t want to feel the soreness between my legs and be reminded of what he’d taken. But most of all, I didn’t want him to have control over me. I’d given that to him too freely, and now I was taking it back. My control was mine. I decided what I did and didn’t do.
And as I sat on the edge of the dock, moving my feet in the lake water, I knew today was the day. I knew I had to take the plunge and open up the conversation again—or at least try. Asher was cleaning out the boat so we could go out onto the lake for the day, and I knew it would be the perfect time. He couldn’t walk away, and neither could I. We’d have to face what was hanging over our heads.
“All ready, Elodie,” Asher called, and I turned to face him, feeling my lips lifting on one side. His hands were on his hips, his hair was a ruffled mess, and his stubble was starting to grow into a small beard. I liked clean-shaven Asher, but this rough-and-ready version called to me.
I stood and pulled my shades over my eyes to block the sun as I ambled toward him. His gaze didn’t move off mine as I got closer, and when he held his hand out, I was reminded of what he’d said last week. He’d promised not to let go. And he hadn’t, as of yet, but what I had planned for when we were on the open water would test me, test him, test us.
I placed my hand in his and stepped onto the boat, then it was only seconds until he was pulling away from the dock and moving away from the lake house. Fishing rods and bait were stacked at the edge of the boat, and I tried to work out all the different elements as I sat down next to it. I needed to distract myself. I needed something to occupy my thoughts before I blurted something out and—
“Here looks good,” Asher announced, but I didn’t think he was talking to me, more talking aloud than anything. I nodded anyway and watched as he lowered something off the side of the boat into the water. Once he was done, he flashed me a grin and rubbed his hands together. “Let’s catch some fish.”
I tried to smile, but I knew it looked more like a grimace. My emotions had been all over the place, and even I wasn’t sure what mood would come next. I knew it was normal after the trauma I’d been through—that was what Lola had told me last night when she’d called. It seemed to be the only time I really acknowledged what I’d been through. I avoided the mirrors in the house, I wore clothes that would cover most of my skin, but today was different. I’d woken up with a renewed sense of urgency. I needed to acknowledge everything, but so did Asher.
Asher started to reel off how to put bait on one of the hooks and how to cast the line into the lake. I tried to pay attention, but my focus just wasn’t there. My stomach rolled, nerves taking over, and finally, I blurted out, “I was raped.” It was the first time I’d said the word out loud. The first time I’d been honest with myself. My shoulders felt a little lighter, my heart beat faster, but it felt…good.
Asher’s mouth opened and closed several times, his body frozen on the spot in front of me. “I—”
“I was raped, Asher.” Saying it a second time was easier. “Knox hurt me in the worst way possible. He took my control away.” My shoulders drooped, and I pulled my shades off my face. “He stole things he had no right to, but I’m not letting him anymore.”
“Sweetheart.” Asher crouched down in front of me, his hand reaching out to me. “I know it’s hard.” His palm connected with my knee, covering the scabbed-over scrapes. “I’m so damn proud of you.”
I swallowed, trying to keep my emotions at bay. This wasn’t the time to let the tears fall and stop me. This was the time to be strong, to admit out loud what had happened, and start to heal. That was why we were here, right? To heal and get better.
“I think the pain will always be there.” I placed my hand over my heart, then moved it to his chest. “Just like your pain will be.” He jerked at my words, but didn’t pull away completely, and hope built within me. Maybe by exposing myself to him, he’d confide in me. “I see your pain too, Asher.” I leaned forward, so close our heads were almost touching. “I see it.”
He closed his eyes, almost as if it was too much to even look at me. The silence stretched between us, and the more time that went by, the more I feared I’d gone too far. But I knew it wasn’t for nothing. Saying what had happened to me out loud helped, even if it was only a little.
“I watched them die.” He said the four words so low I wasn’t sure I’d heard them right, not until he opened his eyes back up, and I saw the outpour of emotions in his gaze. “Both me and Jax watched them die.” I started to pull my palm off his chest, but he darted his hand to it, keeping it there. “We were on patrol and hit an IED.” He winced and cleared his throat. “Me and Jax were the only ones who survived.”
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, not knowing what else to say, but I didn’t even think he heard me. He was in his own little world, just like I had been since everything had happened.
“I can still smell the burn of their flesh. Hear their screams for help.”
His chest moved quicker, his breaths coming harder. “I couldn’t help them. I couldn’t save them.”
“It’s okay. It’s okay.”
“It’s not.” He stood so fast he made me dizzy. He paced the small boat back and forth, causing it to rock a little. “I should have been able to get to them. I should have saved them.”
“Asher.” I stood, holding my hands out. “Why couldn’t you save them?”
He yanked on the bottom of his shorts, displaying the scar on his leg. “Because I couldn’t move. I was trapped, and my leg wouldn’t work.”
“Then it’s not your fault.” I moved toward him. “You were hurt.” He shook his head, and I placed my hands on either side of his face. “It’s not your fault.” His stare met mine, and I gripped his face harder. “It’s not your fault. Just like it’s not my fault what Knox did to me.”
His jaw locked at my words, but he didn’t look away. His gaze probed at me, trying to see if I believed what I was saying. And I did. For the first time, I really believed what Knox had done over the years wasn’t my fault. I didn’t make him do anything. I didn’t provoke him. I didn’t deserve the punishment he was dealing out.
“If I’d have gotten there earlier,” Asher whispered, and I felt his arms wrap around my waist. He hadn’t held me like this since before that night, and I hadn’t wanted him to. But right then, at that moment, I knew it was the first step. Not just for me, but for him too.
“You wouldn’t have been able to save them,” I repeated.
“Not them.” He placed his forehead to mine, and my palms drifted down his neck to his shoulders. “You.” He paused, and my stomach dipped. “I shouldn’t have left you that night, sweetheart. I should have stayed. I should have known he was going to—”
“No.” I shook my head. “You’re not going to shoulder any blame.” I closed my eyes, feeling like I was as light as a feather. “And neither am I.” I believed what I said. I meant every word. And it freed me. Freed me from the constraints I’d felt bound to for years. Freed me from the fear threatening to take over.
“Fuck, Elodie,” Asher whispered. “You’re so brave.”
I opened my eyes and didn’t move my gaze off him. His dark-brown eyes were intense, but I knew mine matched his. We’d both bared ourselves in ways we never had before. “I’m only brave because of you. You made me believe anything is possible.”
“I love you,” he croaked out. “I love you so damn much.”
I should have been scared by his words. Should have felt like it was wrong to hear them at that moment, but I didn’t. He was being honest, just like I had been, and I had every intention of continuing my honesty. “I love you too.”
I didn’t hesitate as I lifted up onto my tiptoes and placed my lips against his. For several seconds, we stood there, our mouths molded together, our feelings out in the open with the truth surrounding us. I felt safe, but more importantly, loved. I was determined to have something good come out of all the bad that had happened. And Asher…
Asher was my something good.
ASHER
I leaned back in my seat as I watched Elodie walking along the edge of the lake. The mask she usually wore on her face was lifted as were her lips. She was smiling, but it wasn’t the fake kind she’d done since we got here almost a week ago. It was the real kind. The kind that had my stomach rolling and my hands itching to touch her. But I couldn’t, not yet.
We’d kissed on the boat this morning. I’d revealed part of myself I never thought I would, and even though the memories were at the forefront of my mind, it didn’t matter. All that mattered was her: the woman who had changed everything. She’d come from nowhere, appeared in my life like a bat out of hell, and I was grateful. She understood me in ways no one else ever would, and as I stared at her, I knew I couldn’t live without her. She was it for me. She was the one person who called to my soul like nothing else ever had.
My feelings were deep, and I’d told her part of them. I hadn’t meant to say those three words to her, but at that moment on the boat, I hadn’t been able to help myself. And more than that, she’d said them back. The way her eyes had swirled told me she meant them, and some invisible force had locked us together, proving that we were made for each other. Two puzzle pieces fitting perfectly together.
I was basking in what had happened on the boat, the way she confronted everything, and blurted out what she felt. She hadn’t been frightened of how I would react. She’d pushed through, showing her strength once again. I idolized her. I was obsessed with her. Captivated by each of her movements. I wanted nothing more than to join her on her walk and show her how to bounce stones off the surface of the lake instead of just throwing them in like she was doing right then, but I couldn’t because I was waiting for a call—a call which could change everything.
I flicked my gaze back down to the screen of my cell, waiting for the name to flash up, but it was already six minutes after the scheduled call, and I had a pit in the bottom of my stomach. Did this mean it was going to be bad news? Or maybe my lawyer was running late.
Each of my breaths became harsher the longer I waited, and I was on edge in a way I’d never been before. Elodie and I were here to try and get some distance from the shit happening back home, and this had been the first time since we’d gotten to the lake house that I really understood things would never be the same.
Elodie wouldn’t be able to move back into the apartment. I wouldn’t be able to waltz back into my shop and pretend the awful things that happened upstairs hadn’t transpired. Elodie wouldn’t be able to walk the school hallways without the weight of everything on her shoulders. Her work would never be the same. And her dancing…she hadn’t danced for nearly two weeks, and I wondered if she missed it.
As if she heard me thinking about her, she turned around, her gaze meeting mine from that far away. She’d made it to the edge of the lake near the tree I always practiced my MMA at when I was a teen, and I was up on the deck, ready to go into the house as soon as my cell rang.
She lifted her hand in a wave, and I stood, wanting to go down to her. Since our talk on the boat, something had changed between us. Things weren’t as harsh. They were softer, easier. All I wanted was to spend as much time as possible with her, but now the dark cloud of my call was hanging over my head and—
My cell vibrated, and I stared down at it, seeing my lawyer’s name and the area code along with his number. I held it in the air to show Elodie and pointed at the house, then walked into the kitchen. I hit the answer call button, greeting, “Hello.”
“Asher Easton?” a woman’s voice asked.
“That’s me.”
“I have Mr. Bennet on the line for you, please hold.”
I drifted over to the sink so I could look out of the window and spotted Elodie, making her way back onto the dock. She’d found her favorite place since we’d been here, and I knew that was where she would sit for hours, staring at the water, captured inside her own head. Sometimes I sat next to her, and other times I watched from the deck, knowing she needed time to process everything.
“Asher?” Mr. Bennet asked over the line.
“Hi.” I cleared my throat. “That’s me.”
“Ah, good. Sorry it’s a little later than we planned. I got held up in court today.”
“No worries.” My voice was stiff, as were my muscles.
“Let me see…yes. So, the victim woke up yesterday morning and gave his statement. The DA wants to press charges.” He cleared his throat. “They have witness statements from the officers who were called to the scene.” His tone was one that told me he thought I didn’t have a chance in hell of going anywhere but jail. “I’m in contact with the DA because the first charges they presented was attempted murder—”
“What?” I frowned, my blood boiling. “Are you fuckin’ kidding me?”
“Afraid not, Asher. The list of injuries they’re presenting—”
“He was raping my girlfriend. He was fuckin’ raping
her, and they want to charge me with attempted murder?”
“I know it’s a big charge—wait, what did you say?”
“What?”
“He was raping your girlfriend?”
I stared at Elodie on the dock, her head leaning back, and the wind whipping through her hair. “Yeah. That’s why I beat the fucker. I should have done it the first time he laid hands on her, but I let it go—”
“Wait. Go slower, I’m trying to write all of this down.” I frowned as I heard him mumbling. “I wasn’t aware of the circumstances.” He paused, and I heard papers shuffling. “Did your girlfriend report the assault?”
“Yes.” I gritted my teeth together, hating that I was having to tell him something that happened to Elodie. I shouldn’t have said anything. I should have taken whatever the DA wanted to charge me with and be done with it. If this went to trial, she’d have to go through the entire thing again, remember every tiny detail, and then there was her own case. I wouldn’t do that to her. I wouldn’t be the reason she was put through so much pain. “I don’t want you to use that,” I ground out, and my feet carried me back to the door. “You’re not to bring her into anything, understood?”
“Asher, this changes everything. If she would make a statement as to what happened and—”
“No.” I stepped out onto the deck. “Find another way that doesn’t bring her into it.”
“But—” I didn’t wait for him to finish as I ended the call. I wasn’t going to put Elodie through anything else. She’d been through enough heartache, and I was determined to protect her from anything coming her way, even if that meant I was charged with attempted murder. Fuck. I could spend the rest of my life in prison if that happened, and the prospect of not being a free man gutted me, but it was nothing compared to the thought of not being able to be with Elodie. I wouldn’t be able to hold her, touch her, sleep next to her. It could all be taken away in the blink of any eye, but for her, I’d do it. I’d do anything if it meant she was okay.
Deep Burn: (Asher & Elodie: Easton Family Saga) (Burned Duet Book 2) Page 9
