by Voss, Deja
I look around, looking for somebody I know, and I’m impressed at the transformation of the place. The girls dancing on stage don’t look like your average dirty birdie. It looks like the gang found a legit side hustle.
“There’s a fifty-dollar cover, you know,” the kid says.
“Do you know where my sister is?” I ask, towering over him.
“I don’t know, is she a dancer or an escort?”
“Go get Esther,” I say, grabbing him by the arm just hard enough to let him know I’m not messing around. He looks up at me with defiance in his eyes before trudging off. I hope she’s not dancing here, and I’m praying she got out of the escort scene, but I can’t judge her either way. It’s not like it was exactly her choice to live this kind of life.
I wait with my hands in my pockets, the crowd cheering loudly over the music as a cute little bleach blonde in this black mesh bodysuit and thigh-high boots walks out on stage. She’s pretty. Way too pretty. My mind is probably playing tricks on me because there’s something about her that reminds me way too much of Ava. It’s probably just this place. This place and the long drive. Everything is overwhelming right now, being back home for the first time in fifteen years and realizing that everything has changed.
“I thought he was fucking with me,” Esther says, standing there staring at me like she’s just seen a ghost. “I was going to take him out back and use him for target practice.”
My beautiful sister is all grown up. Her face is sad, frightened even, but her eyes are smiling. I don’t even know what to say. I’ve imagined this day so many times, but here and now, in reality, there aren’t words for what I’m feeling.
I grab her and pick her up in my arms, hugging her so tightly, afraid that if I let her go, she’ll disappear.
“Micah,” she cries out. “I don’t know if I want to kiss you or kill you. Where the fuck have you been?”
I set her down, trying to fight back the tears I feel forming in my eyes. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve cried in all forty years of my life. This isn’t like me.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I missed you. All of you.”
She swings back and punches me in the shoulder before bursting into tears. I wish I had some words to console her, but I probably deserved that punch.
“Fuck you, Micah,” she says, bursting out into laughter through her sobs. “I missed you, you asshole. That last time you called me, after you hung up, I was sure I was never going to see you again. I thought you died. Come on, everyone is going to shit when they see you.”
She grabs me by the hand and we walk through the crowd. I look over my shoulder at the girl on the stage, and I swear she’s staring right at me. She’s beautiful, that’s for sure, but something just isn’t right about her. Something about her makes me really uncomfortable.
“Do you like what we did with the place?” Esther asks. “Once we kicked the old man out, nobody wanted to live here anymore. Too many bad memories.”
“It’s great… are you still…?” I ask, not knowing how to delicately ask if my sister is still prostituting herself for guns.
“Hell no,” she giggles. “I learned how to outsource the dirty work. Besides, even if I wanted to, Brooks would probably have a conniption.” She holds up her ring finger and shows me the tattooed initials.
“Brooks, huh?” There was always something up with those two when they were growing up. “I don’t hate that.”
“Yeah well, even if you do, you gave up your say a long time ago, big brother,” she laughs.
“Esther, you do whatever you want no matter what anyone tells you. I don’t think I’ve ever had any say in your life, woman.”
“Exactly,” she says with a wink.
She leads me to a big wooden door, and slides it open with a loud creak, and I feel like I’m finally home again, the room we held church in, exactly how I remembered it, complete with my Misfit brothers, hanging out drinking and shooting pool, the smell of weed hitting me over the head.
“Look what I got,” Esther announces, everyone turning to look.
A lot can change in fifteen years, but when you finally find yourself back with your clan, back with your family, it feels like time stopped. Everything is the same. Everything aside from the fact that we’re not kids anymore.
“This is a joke, right?” my brother Gavin asks, eyeing me up and down. He grabs my arm and turns my bicep, exposing my Misfits tattoo. “How much did you pay this guy to be Micah’s body double?”
“It’s me, dude,” I say, pulling him in for a hug. He definitely hasn’t changed much since the last time I saw him. The clean mountain air must be doing him good.
“Looks like the marines were good to you, brother,” Brooks says. “You’re fucking yoked. Thanks for your service.” He pats me on the back with a shit-eating grin on his face.
“Thanks for your service, prez,” I say, eyeing his patch. “I’d rather be in the desert getting shot at than have to deal with the wrath of Esther on a daily basis.” She punches me in the arm. “Seriously, thank you for taking care of her. I worried about her, you know.”
“Yeah well, don’t you think we worried about you, son?” Heat asks. Damn, he didn’t look so great when I left all those years ago, but now he looks downright geriatric and frail. His smile is sad, and as he wraps his arms around me, I’m afraid to hug him back, scared that I’ll break him in two. “I should’ve never let you walk out that door that day, Micah. It’s one of my greatest regrets.”
“It wasn’t your fault, Heat. I was a grown man. It was my choice.”
He looks at me with those knowing eyes, and as much as I want to address the elephant in the room, my father, the man who ultimately pushed me from my home, I’d rather just spend the night getting caught up with my clan. I never realized how much I missed everyone until I saw them. I never shed a tear over these guys, but now I feel like I want to break down.
“Holy fuck, speaking of grown men,” I say, my voice wavering. My brother Goob stands there with his hands in his pockets, eyeing me up reluctantly. The only way I can tell it’s actually him is by the patch on his cut. He’s taller than I am, and he still has those bright blue eyes and blond hair, but he’s definitely not a little kid anymore. “Last time I saw you, I could pick you up and throw you over my shoulder.”
He gives me a half smile, but I can tell he’s not exactly thrilled to see me.
“Listen, Goob, I didn’t expect to just roll in here and pick things up like nothing ever happened. You don’t owe me anything.” I’ve been gone for more than half of his life. His world has existed without me more than it has with me in it. To him, I’m a stranger, and that’s my fault.
“I’m sorry,” he says, reaching out his hand to shake mine. “Thanks for your service, Micah. I’m gonna need some time to process this.”
“Take all the time you need,” I say. “I want to make things right.”
Before I can say another word, I feel a set of arms wrapped around my waist so tight that I damn near throw up. “You asshole,” she screams. “I thought you were dead, Micah.”
‘Aunt’ Trixie looks the same as she always has, her wild mop of brown curly hair smashed down under a baseball cap, and she’s wearing a bowling shirt and a pair of cargo shorts, which only accentuate her linebacker build. This woman dedicated her life to the club and asks for nothing in return. She was the closest thing to a mother most of us had when we were growing up, and even though she’s strangling me with her hug, I can still feel the love. She’s sobbing into my shoulder, and I wrap my arms around her and kiss her on the head.
“I missed you, Trixie,” I say. “You don’t look like you’ve aged a day.”
“Well you sure have grown up,” she says, looking up at me with watery eyes. “What’d they feed you over there in the desert? Sexy pills?”
I laugh as I hug her tighter. Esther grabs me a beer, and the rest of the crew gathers around to greet me. There’s some new faces mixed in, but
for the most part, all of these men are the ones I grew up with as my family, and for the first time in a long time, I feel like I’m exactly where I need to be. I never realized how ‘homeless’ I really was all these years.
“So what’s the occasion?” Gavin asks. “Are you just passing through?”
“I don’t know,” I say. “I just felt like I needed to see you guys.”
“Dad’s dead, you know,” Goob says.
“I heard.”
“I want to be mad at you. I’ve spent so many years trying to hate you, Micah, but I couldn’t. You were the smartest one of us. You got out before shit got really bad.”
He hugs me, and I feel overwhelming guilt. I’m sure they don’t know the extent of my leaving, just that one day I was here and one day I wasn’t. I was too busy playing marine to protect the people most important to me.
“How is shit now?” I ask. “Still really bad?”
“Actually it’s good. It’s great, even,” he says, smiling, the same goofy grin he had when he was a kid. “You picked a good time to come back. You want to be in my wedding?”
I didn’t even want to come here to begin with. I definitely didn’t plan on staying longer than a quick visit, but standing here with my brothers, my real family, I don’t know how I could justify leaving ever again. I guess old habits die hard, and I wasn’t made to be a lone wolf, wandering the world alone.
“You don’t have to do that,” I tell him. “I’d be honored just for an invitation to your wedding.”
“Too bad,” he says. “Austin, you’re out.” The burly redhead just shrugs and shoots him a thumbs-up.
“Somebody’s staying in your old apartment,” Esther says. “I’m sorry. You are more than welcome to stay at our place, though until we figure something out. I mean, if you’re staying. You know you don’t have to feel obligated. It’s just… it’s so nice having you here. I want to know everything. I want to keep you locked up and never let you run away again.”
“She might be serious about that,” Brooks says, raising his eyebrows. “I probably wouldn’t go into any dark basements with her if you ever want to leave.”
It’s nice to feel welcome back, but they hardly know me anymore. Once they get to know the man I’ve become, their tune might change.
“So what are you doing now that you’re out?” Gavin asks. “I always figured you’d end up being an engineer or maybe a computer programmer?”
“Look at the guns on this guy.” Trixie runs her hands up and down my arms and shivers. “He’s probably a private bodyguard.”
“Trixie, you used to bathe Micah when he was a child,” Heat says, rolling his eyes at her.
“Well, if you need a bath while you’re here, I live in the little log cabin just up the road.”
“Actually, I’m just bartending right now. I haven’t really figured out what I want to do with the rest of my life,” I shrug. “Maybe you all can help me figure it out.”
“I’m sure we can find work for you, and you know you’re welcome back in the club if you want,” Gavin says. “I mean, you don’t have to decide right now. I’m sure you probably have shit going on back where you’re from. I’m just glad you’re here right now. You were definitely missed.”
I do need to think about it. My heart is telling me to patch back in, jump in headfirst to this chaos and live the life I was born into, but my mind is telling me to take it easy. Sure, things are a lot different without my dad around, but that doesn’t mean this place is my destiny. Just because I’m not thinking about Ava right now, doesn’t mean the thought of her won’t haunt me every step I take up on this mountain.
“You want a blowjob?” Esther asks. Everyone stares at her with confusion, myself included. “Not from me, you sick fucks. I just mean it’s a veteran’s deal we have here at the ranch. Your first blowjob is on the house.”
“How about you guys just show me around,” I suggest. “I want to know everything that happened while I was gone.”
“Well you’re definitely stuck here at least a couple days, then,” Gavin says, patting me on the shoulder. “It’s been a long fifteen years.”
Chapter 13
Amber:
Holy fucking adrenaline rush. Maybe I started off my set rattled, but as soon as the dollar bills started flying up on the stage, I recalibrated myself fairly quickly.
I don’t know if everyone just feels bad for me, or if I’m actually doing a good job, but I’ll take their pity cash. I thought sliding out of my leotard, showing every inch of my flesh to a roomful of rowdy bikers, was going to be a lot more daunting, but when it came time to strip down, I felt nothing short of liberated. The money kept piling up on the stage every time I swung around the pole, and when I got to the part where I stood on my head and did splits that would make my gymnastics coach proud, I could barely hear the music over the cheering.
I gather up my loot as the lights dim and run off into the dressing room where Olive is waiting with my robe.
“Shit, woman,” she laughs, “You make me wish I was a lesbian. You’re a natural.”
“Seriously,” Sandy, the cute brunette with big fake glitter eyelashes and a pair of pasties with cupcakes on them stammers, “what’s your secret?”
“Beginner’s luck?” I shrug. “Plus lots of yoga, and ten years of gymnastics.”
Jasmine hands me a flute of champagne, and I look at the girls nervously. “I’m not twenty-one.”
“Are you driving?” she asks. I shake my head. “You got anywhere to be?”
“Honestly, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now.” My set is done. I figured this was the part when I just snuck down to my apartment and hung out until tomorrow when I did it all over again.
“Drink the champagne,” she giggles. “Usually when we finish our main sets, we either go work the side stages or do private dances, or if you have clients booked upstairs, there’s always that.”
“No clients, no private dances,” Olive says, pulling my robe shut tighter.
“Okay, mom,” I laugh, rolling my eyes at her as I take a sip of the champagne. This definitely tastes better than chocolate milk and vodka.
“I’m just saying, for a girl who’s never even worn a bikini outside, take it slow, Amber. I know it’s easy to get sucked into the money, and the scene, and how sexy it makes you feel. It’s easy to want to just jump right in, but I don’t want you to have any regrets. I want you to stay here with us for a long long time.”
I think if I actually had a big sister, this is exactly what I’d want in one. I respect her opinion. I hug her.
“I can still dance on the side stage, though, right?” I ask. Now that the champagne is going to my head, I definitely feel like I want to dance.
“After my set,” Jasmine says, smacking me on the ass. “Don’t be stealing my thunder, baby bitch.” She winks at me and struts out on to the stage. I’m a little bit flattered but she also made her message loud and clear, and I definitely don’t want to be on anyone’s bad side.
“You’re totally going to teach us some yoga moves tomorrow, though, aren’t you, Amber?” Sandy asks.
“Of course,” I say. It is my trained profession after all. And for some reason, I really want these girls to like me. I hardly know them, but for once in my life, I feel like I’m actually making friends.
Olive gets back to work waiting tables, and I throw on a tight black sequined dress that barely covers my ass cheeks while Jasmine finishes up her set. We do a couple shots of something that tastes like pineapples and head out to the side stage to dance.
I’ve never had girlfriends to go to the clubs with, and even though we’re half naked and being watched by a bunch of rowdy bikers, I feel like it’s only the three of us in the world. I keep scanning the crowd for that mystery man from earlier, Micah, but I don’t see him out there. I still dance like he’s watching, hoping that maybe he’s just hanging out in the back. I don’t know why I can’t get him out of my mind.
“How
much for a private dance?” an older man yells at me from the ground below. He’s wearing a leather vest that reads Sabers. He must be with the bachelor party. I just shrug and look over at Sandy and Jasmine, not sure what to do.
“I don’t do that, I’m sorry,” I say.
“Come on, sweetie,” he says, reaching for my arm. He smells like beer and sweat, and he’s gripping me so hard that I can’t jerk away. I start to shriek, but he just laughs in my face.
“Help!” I shout, while Jasmine runs off to find someone and Sandy pokes him in the eye with her stiletto. It doesn’t seem to faze him. It’s like the man has superhuman strength. “Somebody!”
“Oh for fuck’s sake,” I hear Esther shout, the clicking of her high heels across the hardwood floor music to my ears. “Roy, get the fuck off her.”
She doesn’t even have to ask twice. He lets go of my arm and hangs his head.
“Thirty days. I don’t want to see your face around here for at least thirty days. And if you ever try this shit again, I’m gonna throw your ass up on that stage and let the guys manhandle you.”
“Don’t you want to hear my side of the story?” he asks. “You know I spend a lot of money here, right?”
“Thirty days, Roy. Now get out of my sight.”
She puts her fingers in her mouth and lets out a loud whistle. Two guys in cuts come running. Their eyes look bloodshot and their faces look frightened.
“Be cool,” the one whispers to the other a little too loudly.
“Where the fuck were you morons?” she asks. “My dancers are getting groped and you’re back in the corner sucking each other off?”
“We weren’t. I swear,” the one says.
“I should fire you both right now. You don’t even deserve to be wearing those prospect patches.”
They look like little boys being scolded by their mother.
“It won’t happen again.”
“I’m so sorry, Amber,” Esther says. “Are you ok?”
