by Voss, Deja
“Well, I’m back now, asshole.”
We all are. My blood brothers, my sister, the men I grew up with, and some soldiers we picked up along the way. No matter where we go in life, no matter what obstacles test our loyalty, this is exactly where we all belong.
“Is it time for Sunday funday yet?” Goob asks. He’s got a plastic jar of pellets that says “explosive” on the label. There’s one thing that definitely hasn’t changed around here, our undying love for things that go boom.
“Let’s go blow some shit up,” Brooks says, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and leading me out the back door.
Chapter 23
Amber:
“Sorry,” I whisper. “I got here as fast as I could.” My grandma is sleeping; at least I think she is. Her eyes are closed. She’s hooked up to a whole new batch of machines and wires that I’ve never seen before. I kiss her forehead, but her skin feels clammy, cold and sweaty at the same time.
“Relax,” June says. Her eyes are wet with tears, and she looks like she hasn’t showered since the last time I saw her. I hate seeing her like this, even more than I hate seeing Mama like this. At least Mama isn’t feeling any pain right now. If she is, she sure isn’t showing it.
I wrap my arms around June, and even underneath her chunky sweater, she feels like a bag of bones.
“When is the last time you ate a meal?” I ask. “You gotta take care of you, too, you know.”
She smiles sadly at me.
“It’s almost time, Amber. This, all this, it’s not helping her. It’s just keeping her alive.”
“I know,” I whisper. I don’t know why I bother whispering, she’s been asleep for so long, not herself, not with us, it’s not like I’m going to hurt her feelings.
“Am I a bad sister?” she asks. “The doctors said I could take her home and hospice her there, but thinking about having all this in my house? It’s like staring at death. It’s not how I want to remember her.”
“Aunt June, why didn’t you call me?” My grandmother’s condition has been fragile for so long now, but I can tell things took a dramatic turn while I was gone. I feel awful. She shouldn’t have had to call me. I should’ve been here. “I’m so sorry. I should’ve been here for you!”
“No,” she says. “I should’ve been here for you, more. You’ve spent the years of your life where you were supposed to be happy and carefree looking after a woman who you didn’t even know. You gave up so much for her, and I let it happen.” She’s sobbing now, and I feel even worse. I didn’t take care of Mama because I felt like I was expected to. I took care of her because I wanted to. I love her, and I love my aunt, too. I wouldn’t have changed one thing about all those years.
“Stop,” I say. “You’re tired, and you’re probably hungry, too. Let’s go get something to eat.” I squeeze my grandma’s hand, hoping maybe she’ll squeeze back, hoping that the last words she said to me weren’t going to be the way we leave things. “We’re going to get some dinner, Mama,” I whisper in her ear. “You want anything?”
I watch her eyelids twitch, and even though she looks like hell, she looks peaceful. “We’ll be back soon, ok?” I smooth her sheets around her. “Come on, June. You look like you need a cheeseburger.”
We walk out into the parking lot, into the gray drizzle that’s late April in Pennsylvania. Everything is still ugly and bleak, and everything looks dirty and dusty from the snowmelt. Soon it will be green again, but right now, it’s hard to feel anything but blah.
“I’ll drive,” I say. “You look like you need to just relax.”
“Thanks,” she says. “I want to hear all about your weekend. Please tell me it was better than mine. Did you learn how to levitate or something?”
If only you knew, Aunt June. I doubt she’d find it amusing as I do, though.
I try not to cringe. I have rehearsed this conversation over and over again on the ride home. I hate lying to her, but I doubt she needs this kind of stress right now.
“Sure,” I shrug. We get in the car and I drive to the truck stop diner down the road. It’s pretty quiet. I order us some milkshakes while she goes to the bathroom to freshen up. As she sits down across from me, a goofy grin spreads across her face.
“What?” I ask. She just giggles to herself and looks at the menu, bemused. Every time she looks up at me, she’s smiling. “Please don’t tell me you’re cracking, too. I know you’re tired, but you’re acting kinda delusional, there, June.”
“So what kind of yoga were you learning about this weekend?” she asks, shutting the menu. Now she’s laughing so hard, she’s pounding her fist on the table. I’m afraid she’s going to choke. Everyone in the place is staring at her and I cover my face with my hands.
“What the hell is so funny? Do I have something on my face?” I pull out my compact from my purse, and my jaw drops when I spot the little black and blue mark on the side of my neck. “Oh that,” I say, trying to think fast. “I fell.”
“Into a vacuum?” she laughs.
“June,” I whisper loudly. “It’s not that funny.”
“I’m not laughing at you,” she says, wiping the tears from her face. “I promise. I’m sorry. I have limited joy in my life right now and knowing that you’re out enjoying yourself like someone your age is supposed to makes me happy.”
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I should’ve been here for you. I shouldn’t have lied to you.”
“Amber, if your grandma wanted anything for you, it was that you could be a happy and independent woman. Me too. We both failed you in that department. I don’t like the lying part, though. You’re going to tell me all the juicy details, right?”
I gulp. No more lies.
“Well, you know how I wanted to go look for Ava?”
“Yeah…”
“I ended up at a strip club owned by a biker bar. I was trying to stay undercover so I auditioned and got a job. So I was stripping the other night and I met a guy, a biker, his name is Micah and he’s forty and he used to be a Marine, and I think he loves me. The other strippers talked me into giving him a lap dance and the rest is history.”
She looks at me like I just told the funniest joke known to mankind and starts laughing harder than before.
“Thank you,” she howls. “I really needed that. You really do know how to cheer me up. I’m sure whoever he is, he’s delightful. Hopefully he sticks around long enough that I can find out who he actually is.”
“I’m serious!” I shout.
“Okay…” she stammers. We spend the rest of dinner in silence, aside from her occasional giggle. I guess the woman does deserve a little joy in her life. I guess it’s probably better that she thinks I’m just fucking around to get a rise out of her, because the truth just might kill her.
When it comes time to pay the bill, she reaches for the check and I snatch it out of her hand. I grab a giant wad of dollar bills from my purse and toss them on the table.
“You’re really committed to this joke,” she teases. “I’m lucky to have a niece like you.”
She wraps her arm around me as we walk out into the parking lot, the sun long set. Back to normal, for the time being, I suppose. Seeing her smile makes me feel better, though. Knowing that she’s not mad at me for abandoning her, and that she wants me to be happy, that means a lot. We go back to the nursing home to hang out with Mama until it’s time for them to kick us out.
I text Micah, home safe, call you soon, with a little kissy face emoji, although I’m sure his geriatric cell phone probably doesn’t do that.
Can’t wait, he texts me back, and it makes my heart flutter. I can’t wait to hear his sexy voice.
“Is that him?” Aunt June asks when she hears the sound of bells chiming. “Is that Micah?”
“Yeah,” I smile.
“Hey, Caroline,” she teases, squeezing Mama’s hand, “looks like Amber’s got herself a boyfriend.”
Chapter 24
I throw my bag to the ground as soon as I walk
in the door of my apartment and kick off my shoes with a groan. Holy shit, I’m beat. Between the weekend and the traveling, as much as I love my job, I’m dreading the thought of waking up at 5 a.m. and giving a bunch of early risers their vinyasa flow fix for the day.
I run myself a bath, making the water so hot that when I dip my toe in it, I almost shriek a little bit. I can’t wait to talk to Micah, but first I want to lay here in this boiling bathwater until I’m red as a lobster.
It feels so good on my weary muscles. I stretch my legs the best I can, running my fingers up and down my calves, admiring the curve of my thighs. I’ve always been in awe of my body and the things it’s capable of, but I never really thought of it as something beautiful or desirable. Micah’s definitely woken that up in me, and I have to smile as I trace my fingers around the outside of my nipples, bringing them to a hardened peak, just like he did. Smile and moan. I’m definitely in the mood, now. Relaxed, with nowhere to be and nothing to do until the morning.
I dry myself off and reach for my bathrobe, but change my mind as I wink at myself in the mirror.
Nobody’s going to see me. Who cares if I sleep naked tonight? Something about that makes me feel super sexy.
I slip underneath my sheets, and the cool fabric feels amazing on my bare skin.
“Hey,” I say as he answers the phone after just one ring. “What are you doing?”
“Hey, beautiful. I just got home. Me and the guys spent the day in the woods. How was your trip?”
“Good,” I sigh. “Long. I just walked in the door a little bit ago. I went and hung out with my grandma and aunt at the nursing home all night. The norm.”
“That’s nice of you, Amber. I bet they really appreciate that.”
“They do,” I say. “I mean, I do too. They’re my family, and they have always taken care of me. Anyway…” I trail off. “Are you alone?”
“Yeah. I wish you were here with me right now.”
“Oh yeah?” I ask, trying my best to sound seductive. “What would you do if I was?”
“I guess that depends. Are you feeling nice, or are you feeling naughty?”
“Well… I did just get in bed. And I definitely don’t have any clothes on.”
“So you’ve been naked this whole time you’ve been talking to me? I’d say that’s pretty naughty.”
“Mmm,” I moan, running my hand down my chest, feeling my skin turn to goosebumps under my touch as I imagine his bright blue eyes staring at my naked body.
“Did I ask you to do that?” he growls, and my heart starts to race. Even through the phone, he knows exactly how to turn me on.
“Do what?” I gasp, teasing my nipple between my thumb and my forefinger.
“You know exactly what. You’re such a dirty girl, Amber. I love it. Do you know how hard you’re making me right now?”
I picture that perfect cock of his in my mind, imagine it in my mouth, on my thigh, my legs spreading instinctively, craving him inside my dripping pussy.
“I wish you were here right now sucking on my dick. You’re so good at it. Is that what you want? Do you want me to fuck your face?”
“Yeah,” I cry, squeezing my nipples harder, just like he does, my back arching into the mattress.
“Tell me what you’re doing right now. Are you playing with your perfect tits for me?”
“Yes,” I say, cradling my phone in my shoulder so I can use both of my hands, kneading my flesh and imagining him here watching me, my thighs trembling.
“Harder,” he commands. “I want to hear you scream, beautiful.”
As I grip my tender breasts, squeezing them in between my fingers, my toes start to curl. It hurts so good, and knowing that it’s making him happy is turning me on even more.
“You’re such a good girl,” he growls. “I bet you’re dripping wet, now.”
“I’m so wet,” I purr. “I want you so bad, Micah.”
“I wish I was there to lick you all over, baby.”
“Yes,” I cry, moving my hands down my stomach. “I want to cum so bad.”
“Slow down, girl,” he says. “I love how eager you are. You’re perfect. It makes me so hard knowing how bad you want me.” I hear his soft sexy moans, and I picture him stroking his cock for me and only me. I can’t control myself any longer.
“Are you going to cum with me?” I pant, swirling my fingers over my puffy clit, getting closer and closer to the edge.
“Soon,” he grunts. “Are you rubbing your clit for me?”
I let my moans do the talking.
“Slip your fingers in that perfect pussy, babe. Imagine that’s me inside you. Imagine my dick, filling you up for the first time, how I’m going to fuck you nice and slow.” His breath is getting shorter, his grunts escalating, and I slide a finger inside myself for the first time, the sounds coming from my mouth like nothing I’ve heard before. This is so hot. “Then I’m going to fuck you harder and harder, until you think you can’t take anymore.”
“Yes,” I scream, sliding another finger inside myself, using my thumb to press my clit. “Oh God, Micah, I’m going to cum.”
“Cum for me,” he says with a growl, and I let go, my walls contracting around my fingers, my eyes rolling back in my head. I imagine him inside of me, filling me with his cum, making me his, his sweat dripping from his brow as he thrusts in and out harder and harder.
“Fuck,” I squeal.
“Amber, you’re so fucking sexy. You’re amazing. Do you know how beautiful you are?”
I relax into my pillow, a smile stretched across my face; the sound of his voice as I come down makes me feel so good. I don’t care if he’s hours away, I feel so close to him, in a way I’ve never felt about anyone before. Like he’s taking up space in my heart.
“What time do you have to work in the morning?” he asks.
“5 a.m.,” I grumble.
“Do you need to go?”
“I don’t want to.”
“You should. I know how much you love your job. I’m not going anywhere. You call me tomorrow, and we can do this all over again. Or we can just talk if you want. I don’t care what we do as long as I get to hear your voice.”
“I wish you were here, Micah. I wish we could be together all the time,” I say. If only our lives weren’t so different. If only we didn’t live so far apart. If only we didn’t have to live for the weekends, and I didn’t have so much on my plate here.
“Soon, Amber,” he says. “I promise. I want it to be perfect. You deserve perfect. I have to tie up some loose strings and then we’ll never spend a day apart ever again. Ok?”
“I know,” I sigh. I don’t care what those loose strings are that are holding us apart. I trust that he’s doing the best he can, and that he won’t do anything to hurt me. “Me too.”
“Sweet dreams, princess,” he says. “I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Goodnight,” I say, hanging up the phone and closing my eyes.
Chapter 25
Fifteen Years Ago:
Micah:
“Oh fuck…” she’s moaning, her thin little body bouncing up and down on my dick like it’s a trampoline.
I don’t even know how I’m staying hard. All I can see are the fingerprints on her throat, her eye black and swollen. This doesn’t feel right at all, but I know better than to turn her down when she’s in a mood. I lay there on my back and try to stare at the ceiling until she tires herself out.
“What the fuck, Brooks,” she says, rolling off of me. “What is going on with you? It’s like you don’t even find me attractive anymore.”
“Wait, what?” I stammer, sitting bolt upright.
“I knew it,” she sobs dramatically. “I fucking knew this was going to happen.”
“Did you just call me Brooks?”
“I just fucking knew it,” she cries. “It’s just like my mom always warned me. As soon as you start showing, that’s when they take off running.”
“Ava, what in the fuck are you tal
king about? Are you high?” She’s rolled over on her side, hugging a pillow, her cries loud enough to wake the dead. Thank God these walls are concrete or I’d probably have an even bigger mess on my hands.
“I’m not high,” she shouts. “I’m fucking pregnant with your baby, Micah.”
“What? How? We’ve been so careful.”
“Well apparently not careful enough. What the hell are we going to do? He’s going to kill us. He’s going to kill our baby.”
My mind is spinning in a million directions. This was a bombshell I definitely didn’t see coming.
“Did you call me Brooks?” I ask again.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” she shouts. “Why would I call you Brooks? You’re making shit up to get out of this. You’re a worse man than your father. At least he acknowledges his children.”
“Babe,” I say, stroking her back. Maybe I was hearing things. Maybe she said something entirely different. I was definitely distracted, but now she has my full attention. “I would do anything for my children. I would do anything for you. If you’re trying to tell me that you’re going to make me a father, then I’m the happiest man in the world.”
“You are?” she asks, rolling over and curling up in my arms. Maybe the hormones are already getting to her because she’s suddenly calm. “I was so afraid you would just throw me away.”
“It’s going to be alright, Ava. Some things are going to have to change. We’re probably going to have to leave here, but I’ll get a job. I’ll take care of us. I’ll get you away from him and we’ll make it work. We’ll make our own family.”
“I know you will. That’s why I love you. You’re my sanity. You’re so sturdy. You always make me think everything is going to be alright, even when everything feels like it’s out of control.”
“We’re never going to have to worry about anything ever again,” I say, stroking her hair, kissing the top of her head. It’s a bittersweet feeling, knowing that I’m going to be a father. If it was with any other woman, I’d be running through the hallways telling my brothers and sister. I’d probably be doing cartwheels through the clubhouse. Instead, I have to keep it a secret. Nobody can know.
