Fire

by McAdams, Molly

  Her family spent holidays with ours, and she spent all her free time with me, trying to get lost on the property when my brothers refused to let that happen. Then there was school. Whatever it was, she was usually there, by my side.

  Lighting up my life and making my days better. Pulling me out of that sick darkness and waiting until we were alone again to show anything other than her support.

  But she hadn’t questioned my apologies until then.

  “Because I’m proving everyone right,” I said softly. “Because I can’t stop.”

  Because I can’t be better for you.

  “No, why did you do it?”

  Wasn’t sure I’d ever felt as low as I did then. Not when I’d thought she was the only person who understood.

  I took an unsteady step toward my bed.

  Savannah followed, her eyebrows pulled close together like she was begging to understand. “Beau, I tried to stop you.”

  My eyelids closed and my head slanted when it felt like her words had a pit of ice and fire opening up in my stomach. I sank to the bed and dropped my head in my hands when she continued.

  “You ignored me and ran from me.”

  “Savannah, he touched you.”

  “I handled myself.”

  “Savannah, he touched you!” I ground out and met her golden-eyed stare again. But the disappointment was fading away into surprise. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for losing it. For not stopping. For being like this.”

  “No,” she said quickly and sat beside me. “Beau, no.”

  “When are you gonna realize your parents are right? That you need to stay away from me?”

  “They’re wrong.”

  My head shook. “You’re the only one who thinks that.”

  “You think I need to stay away from you too?”

  “Yeah.” When her shoulders sagged and sorrow creased her beautiful face, I gestured toward my door. “Ask Hunter or even Madison, they’ll say the same thing. Jesus, Savannah. You walk right into the middle of fights for me. You’re gonna get hit.”

  “You wouldn’t hit me,” she said confidently.

  “Not me, Savannah. Someone else is gonna hit you one of these times because they’re not gonna realize you’re there.” I pressed a hand to my chest. “You think I’ll be able to handle knowing you got hurt because of me?”

  Her gaze fell to her lap for a while before she asked, “Okay, but is that what you want?”

  I clenched my teeth and slowly exhaled because I knew what she was asking, just as she knew I wouldn’t lie to her. “I want you to be safe,” I said carefully.

  “That isn’t what I’m asking.”

  “No,” I answered quickly. “You know that isn’t what I want. But it’s what you should want.”

  “That might be difficult.” She played with her fingers as she wavered and then shifted to face me again. “Because I really like bears, and my favorite person just so happens to be a bear.”

  The corners of my mouth lifted in a grin, and I was met with one of her bright smiles.

  “You can’t get rid of me that easily. You don’t scare me, Beau Dixon.”

  I should.

  We jolted away from each other when my door swung open, even though we hadn’t been doing anything.

  My mom gave me a frustrated look, her head shaking. “Grounded,” she said, pointing at me, then shifted her finger to Savannah. “Your momma just called, looking for you. Said you gotta leave for dance soon.”

  “Oh, shoot,” Savannah whispered, hopping up off the bed.

  With a hard look directed at both of us, my mom said, “No girls allowed in bedrooms. You know this. Add two days onto your grounding.”

  “We were just talking,” I argued, gesturing to where Savannah was staring wide-eyed at me.

  “There’s a girl in your room,” Mom said. “The door was closed. Don’t talk back to me. I have half a mind to add another week, Beau.”

  “I’m sorry,” Savannah whispered when Mom’s voice trailed off down the hall. “We knew you’d be grounded, so Hunter snuck me in.”

  I waved off her worried expression and stood to follow her. “Before you go,” I said, stopping at my dresser and digging under the stack of shirts. “It’s looking like I won’t see you tomorrow.” My face creased with apology as I palmed the unwrapped present and shut the drawer. “So, happy birthday, Savannah.”

  Her mouth popped open as I handed over the bracelet I’d made. Dark, braided leather with a hollowed-out charm of angel wings woven in.

  The smile that crossed her face made me want to do anything to be better for her. Be someone she shouldn’t have to stay away from.

  “Did you make this?”

  I dipped my head as I watched her turn it around, her smile somehow growing when she found the wings.

  “Why?”

  My brow furrowed. “Your birthday.”

  A soft laugh left her as she slipped it on and turned it to continue looking at the charm. “Right, but . . . you didn’t have to get me anything. And you made me something?”

  “I wanted to. You’re my best friend.”

  Everything . . . you’re everything. You’re my entire world.

  Savannah’s smile changed. Dimmed, so it no longer reached her eyes.

  I’d done that. Taken away her excitement because I was afraid for her.

  Because about the same time I’d realized that Savannah Riley was more than just the angel who fell into my life and took away my anger, I’d realized that I needed to protect her from me. And that meant keeping my feelings for her to myself. Telling myself it was best for her.

  But I hadn’t been prepared to hurt her in doing that.

  “I love it,” she whispered. “I love it so much. Thank you, Beau.” She turned for the door and then turned back to me. “I have to go.”

  My chest felt like it was burning and crumbling all at once as I nodded and followed her. “Right.”

  She stopped just inside the doorway and asked, “What if I’d wanted him to touch me?”

  Everything went still. So, scarily still. “What?”

  She studied the door for a moment before looking at me. “This morning . . . what if I’d wanted Philip to touch me?”

  I would’ve killed him.

  The thought was instant and continued to shout out in my mind.

  I swallowed.

  Tried . . . tried to. Because I couldn’t anymore.

  The thought of seeing Savannah around town or in the halls at school next to someone else . . . holding their hand or with their arm around her . . . it made me sick.

  But I couldn’t stop her.

  I wouldn’t.

  So, I forced myself to nod and watched her try to hide the deep disappointment in her eyes as she returned the gesture and slipped out of my room.

  I softly closed the door behind her and tried to slowly count backward from ten.

  But by the time I got to three, I exploded.

  Lashing out and punching the wall as everything went red. Yelling out a curse as my knuckles split.

  Not more than a few seconds later, my door flung open, and Hunter came rushing in. Eyes wide as he looked around the room before landing on the dent in my wall.

  He sounded all kinds of annoyed when he asked, “Again?”

  “Out,” I snapped.

  He lifted his hands and started backing out. “Where’s Savannah?”

  My eyes narrowed as I stalked toward him, cradling my bleeding hand in the bottom of my shirt.

  “It’s a question,” he said louder, trying to get my attention. “She was just here, and now you’re punching a wall.”

  “I’m right,” I said through clenched teeth.

  “What?”

  “Tell me I’m right!” I yelled. “That she needs to stay away from me. That I’m bad for her—that I’m too dangerous.”

  “Savannah?” Hunter asked slowly and lowered his hands. “That girl can handle herself against all four of us even better than Emb
erly can, and Em was raised with us. And, dude, don’t hit me, but you can’t decide what Savannah wants.”

  “Move.”

  “What?”

  “Move,” I snapped when he just stood in front of the door, my chest pitching with ragged breaths and my arms trembling as I struggled so hard not to let that haze take control.

  As soon as Hunter stepped back, I pushed past him and ran across the top floor and down the stairs. Our mom yelled after me when she saw me, but I raced out the front door and off the porch, running faster when I saw Savannah nearing the end of our property.

  “Savannah!” I called out when she started moving around our fence.

  She whirled around, her eyes going wide when she saw me. “What are you doing?”

  “Stopping you,” I said through my uneven breaths, slowing as I neared her.

  “I have . . .” She looked off to the side, then back to me. “I have dance.”

  My head bobbed as I came to a stop a couple feet away. “I know. But I had to tell you that I can’t. I can’t do that,” I said roughly and gestured to her.

  Her breath caught when she saw my blood-stained hand, but I continued.

  “I can’t watch Philip touch you—I can’t watch anyone touch you. I’ll kill them because I wanna be the one touching you.”

  Shock covered her face and a soft blush crept up her cheeks.

  “I think your parents are right,” I said, nodding before quickly shaking my head. “I think you’re better off away from me, but I don’t know how to let you go because I think I started falling in love with you the first day you called me a bear.”

  A breath of a laugh fell from her lips only to end in a sharp inhale when I stepped closer so I was nearly pressed to her.

  Her golden eyes so wide. Her tongue darting out to wet her lips. Filling my head with everything that was Savannah—all sugar with a hint of cinnamon that day.

  “You’re not just my best friend, Savannah. You’re everything.”

  She pushed up on her toes and pressed her lips to mine, and I’m pretty sure the world went still.

  I wrapped my arms around her, holding her closer as I moved my mouth against hers in what had to be the best moment of my life. A moment I knew I wanted to relive again and again.

  Savannah was all unrestrained smiles and dancing eyes when the kiss ended, her cheeks red with heat. She started pulling away, but at the last second, lifted up to press another quick kiss to my mouth.

  “About time, Beau Dixon.”

  I was a mess.

  I’d changed my outfit five times—maybe seven—before realizing with absolute horror that I was dressed for a fancy dinner rather than a day in my home. After forcing myself back into my regular leggings and shirt combo, I’d reached for my favorite necklaces before panicking over the way they would look.

  I never panicked over jewelry.

  I never panicked over what I wore, period.

  I’d turned my curling iron on for the first time in years before forcing myself to shut it off and twisting my hair up in a messy knot on my head . . . and then I’d turned the curling iron back on.

  My makeup was usually minimal—mascara if I felt like it. But I’d just finished putting on a slightly tinted lip gloss to complete my fully done face before fluffing the curls in my hair.

  All because my husband was coming over.

  To our home.

  I tried telling myself that I was channeling my inner Rae, wanting to look good to feel good, but I knew it was a lie. I wanted to look good for him. And a part of me wanted to show him that I was fine when I was the furthest thing from it.

  Once I’d gotten a handle on myself the day before, I’d picked up my phone. Cursing myself for dropping it while inspecting the shattered screen that was beyond repair as I stood to find the bed and breakfast’s phone.

  Beau had answered on the first ring.

  “Savannah.” My name was agony and relief and had new tears forming. “God, Savannah, talk to me,” he’d begged when I hadn’t been able to respond. “I need to see you. The kids.”

  I’d nodded shakily, sucking in an audible breath. “Yeah, um, you can. The kids, I mean.”

  The following silence didn’t need words. I felt his gratitude and absolute fear leaking through the phone. When he’d spoken, his voice was strained. “Okay. Okay, I’ll be there as soon as work’s over.”

  “No.”

  His exhale was pure pain and had ripped through me, shredding the remaining pieces of me.

  “No, um, not today,” I’d said quickly, stumbling over the words as I’d looked around the kitchen that was a testament to how horribly I was handling everything. “Tomorrow.”

  “Tomorrow,” he’d repeated. “Savannah—”

  “Tomorrow, Beau.” I’d hung up before he could say anything else, sharp cries tearing from my chest and threatening to send me to my knees all over again.

  I’d gotten rid of as many desserts as I could by giving them to friends and family and anyone in town who would take them. I’d frozen what I could and hid the rest. Then I’d spent the rest of the afternoon and late into the night cleaning when I wasn’t playing with the kids.

  Today had been slow and torturous, watching the hours crawl by as I waited for this moment. But now that it was here, I wished it wasn’t.

  I wished I had let him come the day before, so I would’ve already been done with it. Or that I’d held off for a couple more days, so we would have guests, and I’d have them as a distraction because I wasn’t sure I could handle seeing Beau and not fall apart. Wasn’t sure I could stop myself from begging him to make our lives go back to the way they’d been before my heart had been destroyed.

  I reached for my phone to check the time, forgetting that I didn’t have it on me because it was useless with only a small portion of the screen working. The only good thing to come from that was I hadn’t been able to spend hours going through pictures and listening to Beau’s voicemails once I’d gotten in bed the night before, just to hear his voice and see him.

  “Oh, you look real pretty, Mommy,” Quinn said when I poked my head into their playroom.

  “Yeah, real pretty,” Wyatt echoed.

  A shaky smile tugged at my mouth. “Thank you. I need y’all to finish cleaning up and then come out to the kitchen please.” I hefted Levi higher up on my hip, then continued through the halls, stare darting everywhere to make sure nothing was out of place or needed to be cleaned.

  I wasn’t sure the house had ever looked this good—even when my parents came. But I was restless over it. As if the way the kids, the house, and I looked directly reflected how I was dealing. And it was so important to me that Beau thought I was handling this well.

  Even if it had taken me over two weeks to call him back.

  Just as I was walking toward the living room to set Levi down with some toys, the front door opened, and my heart leaped into my throat.

  Hard, thunderous steps echoed through the entryway, my spirit going all kinds of crazy because I knew the man those steps belonged to. I’d been loved by him most of my life. Worshipped. Cherished.

  Lied to.

  I tried to steel my jaw as I turned just as he came into the room, his body seeming to cave when he saw me standing there. Face twisting in pain and relief and some indescribable emotion that made my chest ache.

  “Dadda!” Levi cried out, reaching for him, and Beau stumbled.

  A choked sob breaking free as his eyes filled with tears. “Fuck,” he whispered as he closed the distance, grabbing Levi from me and pulling him close. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

  Levi grabbed at Beau’s hair and pressed their heads together, babbling Dadda over and over.

  Beau’s smile was joy and pain and regret as he nodded against Levi. “Missed you, buddy.” Just as his glassy eyes slid my way, Quinn and Wyatt’s shouts had him turning in time for them to barrel into his side.

  “Daddy, you’re here!” Quinn shouted as she
tried to hug all the way around his waist.

  “We missed you, where’d you go?” Wyatt called out as he tried to climb up his side.

  “Are you back, back? All the time back?” Quinn asked. “Don’t leave again. Okay, Daddy?”

  Beau’s head dropped back to face the ceiling, his jaw trembling for those long moments before he looked at our kids again, trying desperately to hold all three of them. “I missed y’all so much.”

  “And Momma too?” Wyatt asked, all unreserved excitement. “You missed Momma too, right? Doesn’t she look real pretty today?”

  Midnight eyes found me, piercing me and tearing me apart from the pain and sadness etched there. “Every day,” Beau said, voice thick as his gaze slowly dragged over me. “She’s beautiful every day.”

  “Are you getting divorces?” Quinn asked unexpectedly, shocking me.

  “What?” I asked, the word a breath as I met her sad stare.

  “Avalee said when she didn’t see her daddy for a long time, it was because her mommy and daddy were getting divorces, and they weren’t gonna be married anymore. Are you getting divorces because we haven’t seen Daddy for a long time?”

  I grabbed the back of the couch to keep me grounded. To hold me up.

  “N-no,” I finally said, head moving in small, fast shakes. “Of course we’re not getting a divorce.”

  We’ve already been through so much. We can make it through this too. We have to.

  But even as that thought entered my mind, I wondered how we were supposed to.

  And Beau . . . he looked terrified. Sick. The dark circles under his eyes seemed even more pronounced than they had a minute before, as if he’d heard every thought.

  “Things have just been . . .” I struggled to swallow past the grief gripping my throat, my head shaking as I thought of anything to say. “Busy,” I said, going with the excuse that had pacified them these past two weeks. “He’s been busy.”

  “We’re always busy,” Wyatt groaned. “Why can’t Daddy be busy here?”

  “Sometimes things are hard,” Beau began, voice soft but edged with that steel I’d known since I was nine years old, “and sometimes we can’t understand them, but we find a way through them. Together.” His pleading stare met mine at the last word.