As if I was proving him right.
“Beau,” Savannah begged, soft as a whisper as she pressed harder against my side.
I took a breath. Another. And then another. “Touch me again, we’re gonna have a fucking problem. Call my girl darlin’ again, you’re gonna wish you’d never set foot in here tonight.”
“Beau,” she repeated, this time harsher.
“She doesn’t have to go anywhere with you.” His stare shifted toward her, and my hand tightened. “You don’t have to go with him.”
“And you need to mind your business because you have no idea what you were eavesdropping on, you idio—” A breath of shock and pain fled from her as she staggered a few steps to the side, her head whipping around to see the second guy trying to pull her from my hold.
The last full thing I remember was moving Savannah behind me as everything went so fucking red.
And then that dark, sickening rage was there, consuming me until it was all I knew.
Crawling through my veins.
Driving every fierce beat of my heart.
Distorting every thought.
Blurs broken up with flashes so bright and vivid that it was disorienting. Like being in the darkest depths of the sea before being shoved back into a reality that moved at a slightly slower pace. Letting me take in everything that was happening for those seconds before time slipped away again.
My hand on the guy’s throat who had grabbed Savannah as I pinned him to the floor, blood pouring from his nose.
My ribs aching in protest from the kick that was delivered there.
Slamming the talker into the bar and dodging his fist before delivering a knockout uppercut to his jaw.
I remembered all that.
Being grabbed from behind and throwing the guy overhead, slamming him onto the floor . . . I remembered that too.
And then screaming.
So much screaming and honey eyes directly beneath me. Her small hand gripping my fist that was raised in the air, ready to strike. Her other hand pressed firmly to my harshly pitching chest.
Jagged breaths rushed from me as I studied Savannah’s horrified stare and trembling chin, as shame and humiliation and denial ripped through me when I realized our positions.
I wasn’t . . .
I wouldn’t have . . .
Never.
“Savannah,” I forced out, fear coating her name.
“You wouldn’t . . .” she breathed, voice nothing more than a whispered tremor. “I couldn’t get you—”
A moan sounded beneath her, and she tilted her head toward the sound before turning completely, revealing what I hadn’t noticed before.
The man she was lying on.
The man she’d thrown herself on.
“Fuck,” I muttered when I saw Alex there, only looking him over for a second before I focused on where Savannah was on her hands and knees next to Tanya as they checked him.
I reached for Savannah, but she shifted away to prevent me from touching her.
Fuck.
Her shocked stare flashed my way, conveying everything I needed to know without saying a word.
I hadn’t hurt her . . . and she had nothing else to say to me.
Savannah had never looked at me with anything other than understanding until we were alone and could talk about it freely. This also wasn’t the first time one of my friends had gotten caught up in my wrath. For her to have that look on her face, it had my shame burning hotter than ever.
“What the hell, Beau, what the hell?” Tanya sobbed as she scooted closer to Alex, cradling his head in her lap.
“I’m fine,” he wheezed, then sputtered out a cough as he met my stare. “I shouldn’t have tried to stop you. I knew better.”
I clenched my teeth tight and struggled under the weight of loathing bearing down on me.
But I stayed there. Frozen. Unable to say a word.
When the familiar red and blue lights bounced around at the edge of my vision, getting brighter and brighter as they pulled closer to the entrance of the restaurant, I sat back on my heels with a heavy sigh and looked to Savannah.
My world.
My everything.
With a stuttered exhale, she glanced my way. Looking all kinds of confused and trying so damn hard to hide something from me.
“Alex,” I gritted out, his name scraping up my throat as my stare shifted to him.
He pushed himself up to sitting and waved me off. “I knew better, man.”
My mouth parted just as the doors to the restaurant opened. My eyelids slowly shut as I placed my hands on the back of my head. Vacantly listening as the officers spoke and gave orders as the flashes I could remember from the past few minutes replayed in my mind, ending with Savannah beneath me again and again and again.
Jesus Christ.
I stood when the officer pulled on my cuffed hands and finally looked at the destruction around me.
The broken and toppled barstools. The spilled drinks and broken glass on the floor. Chips littering the bar and floor, baskets tossed carelessly around. Friends watching with varying expressions of disappointment and frustration. Strangers looking at me with shock and hints of fear. The guys who had intervened were pressing cloths to their bloodied faces and speaking to an officer.
And Savannah . . . struggling to find the expression she always wore after I lost control. The one that dared anyone to say something to me or her about what happened. Struggling to hold my stare.
Ripping out my fucking heart even though I’d been waiting for and expecting that reaction from Savannah for most of our lives.
I love you.
I love you.
I’m so damn sorry.
“Dixon.”
My stare shifted to the irritated-looking deputy standing at the holding cell door, and I slowly stood from the metal bench I’d been on since the night before.
He played with the keys in his hands before folding his arms over his chest, his head moving in faint shakes. “You gotta be about the luckiest son of a bitch I’ve ever met.”
Confusion and curiosity tugged at me, but I remained silent.
Waiting for him to take me to see the judge or get out whatever he felt he needed to say.
“When they brought you in last night,” he went on, “I thought this was gonna be the time we got you. Plenty of witnesses. Destruction of property.” He sucked in a breath through his teeth and shook his head again as he reached forward to unlock the cell. But once he had it opened, he stepped in front of me and held my stare. “One day, Dixon. One day . . . that luck’s gonna run out, and then you’re going nowhere. And I, for one, can’t fucking wait.”
A tic started in my jaw when he stepped even closer. Knowing exactly what he was doing by getting in my face.
Gently pushing.
Challenging.
Waiting for me to respond.
Ten.
Nine.
Eight.
“You’re free to go,” he drawled irritably. “You know the way.”
Once he stepped out of the way, I walked past him, heading down the familiar halls with him on my heels until I was on my way out.
Until I was on my way to her.
Slowly pacing the length of the lobby with her arms wrapped around her waist, her expression cold and warning anyone to try her.
When she saw me coming toward her, she stopped. Shoulders sagging slightly before she quickly straightened her back. Trying to be so strong when she shouldn’t have to.
When she should’ve never had to go through this shit at all—let alone . . . fuck, how many times has it been now?
She offered a supportive smile when I neared her. Short. Pained. Fake as fuck and lacking everything that was Savannah.
And it had a tendril of fear snaking through my chest.
“Be seein’ y’all soon,” the deputy stationed at the front desk said with a laugh.
Instead of firing back at him as she normally would, Savannah’s stare fel
l to the floor before she closed her eyes tightly and turned for the doors. But the tears she hadn’t been quick enough to hide rooted me in place for long seconds before I was able to follow.
Each step taking all my strength.
Each breath feeling like it might be my last.
This was different. She was different. And it terrified me.
I sank into the passenger seat of her car, unable to take my eyes off her. Watching every shift and every emotion she was struggling to hide as she took her place in the driver’s seat, mumbling indifferently.
“Those guys tried to say you attacked them, unprovoked. But I told the deputies that one guy had been pushing you and the other grabbed me. I don’t think they believed me or anything, but they saw it on the restaurant’s video. And you hadn’t been responsible for any of the damage in the restaurant.” She nodded absently. “That was on them. Not you.”
“Savannah, I’m sorry.”
“I know,” she said, the words bursting from her on a stifled cry. Her chin trembled and her face creased with exhaustion and pain as she dropped her hands and the car keys to her lap. “I know you’re sorry, Beau. I just—” Her head shook quickly, fiercely before she straightened in the seat and put the keys in the ignition and cranked the engine.
“Savannah—”
“Not now, Beau.”
“I tried,” I said gravely, unable to let this rest when I could barely breathe. “I tried leaving. I tried getting us out of there. I tried ignoring all of it. But he touched you, and I . . .” I lifted a hand and stared at her helplessly.
“I know,” she whispered, head down and eyes once again squeezed tightly shut. “I’ve always known, Beau.”
She had. She’d understood me when no one else had. She’d seen me when no one else had cared to try.
But that suddenly seemed like a burden she could no longer bear.
And I was scrambling.
For words.
For air.
For peace, when that kind of weight on my chest had panic coursing through my veins and easily bleeding into a half-dozen other emotions I couldn’t afford to feel right then.
Shaking . . . fucking trembling as I fought to suppress what I’d never been able to control.
All of it growing and growing in the weighted silence of the car ride until everything inside me went horribly, unnervingly still when she pulled up in front of my parents’ property, not even bothering to put her car in park.
I ground my teeth so hard my jaw ached as I opened the door. “Every last breath, Savannah,” I vowed, soft and low, before getting out.
No sooner had I closed the door behind me than I heard hers opening.
“I said your name,” she claimed, voice thick and wavering as she stormed around the front of the car. “I screamed your name, and you still didn’t stop. I tried to get you to see me, and you wouldn’t.” A sob crept up her throat as tears rolled down her cheeks.
I went to her on instinct.
Reaching for her. Needing to hold her.
And she stepped away.
Felt like she knocked out my knees and froze me in place with that one, small, horribly significant action.
“You wouldn’t,” she repeated. “Not until I was the one you were going after.”
“Savannah, I—” I choked on my apology, my head subtly moving as I tried to remember those moments she was talking about.
I always stopped for her.
I always heard her.
It’d been that way since the first day.
“I don’t . . . I don’t remember,” I admitted, shame filling me. “Savannah, I’m so fucking sorry, but I would’ve never hurt you.”
Her head snapped back, her dark eyebrows pulling together in a mixture of surprise and confusion. “I know,” she said slowly, confidently. “You think I would’ve thrown myself on top of Alex when you were about to swing if I didn’t?”
My hands slowly curled into fists at her reminder. Stomach dropping and fear turning my blood to ice at the image of Savannah beneath me as all that red-hot rage pounded through my veins.
“That was dangerous,” I ground out.
“I am not afraid of you,” she said just as fiercely. “But I can’t do this anymore.”
I staggered back a step and then I was falling into an abyss.
Drowning in open air.
Dying . . . this had to be what death felt like. Slow and excruciating, only to be brought back to start from the beginning.
And only a second had passed.
“I love you, Beau,” she said through her tears. “I love you more than I will ever be able to explain to anyone.”
My head shifted as if trying to block out words I’d expected for years and had dreaded every day of that time because I’d always known she deserved better. My heart beat painfully in protest, twisting and reaching for Savannah in an attempt to keep her.
“But I can’t keep watching you take people down, afraid that person will be the one who pulls a knife or a gun on you. I can’t keep watching you be put in handcuffs, worrying that will be the time you won’t be getting out after a night or a quick bond. And my heart truly breaks for you because all the assholes in this town have somehow gotten you to believe that you are only your anger, but I know you. I see you, and you are kind and amazing and gentle. And I’ve spent so long trying to get people to see you the way I do, but God, Beau, why can’t you?”
My stare flashed to her, studying her determined gaze and wavering chin.
“I want to marry you. I want to have kids with you. I’ve wanted a life with you since I was a little girl, and nothing about you will ever make me want anything less. But I cannot have a life with you if you can’t control your anger.”
“Savannah—”
“No,” she said quickly, cutting off my strangled plea. “No, whatever you’re about to say, please don’t. Because right now, you can’t promise me that you will. And if you tell me you can’t without even trying? My heart won’t be able to handle that.”
“You think I’d throw away my life with you by not even trying? Savannah, I’d destroy the world for you, don’t you get that?”
“I don’t want you to!” she cried out, gripping at her chest before burying her face in her hands.
I closed the distance between us and curled my fingers around her wrists, gently pulling her hands away to reveal her tear-streaked face. Each tear that fell and each jagged breath tore at my soul as I struggled not to pull her into my arms when she so clearly wanted to stand on her own.
“I’m sorry.”
“I know, but this needs to stop,” she said, voice twisting with discomfort. She pulled her hands from my grasp only to curl her fingers around my own. “You get angry? I’ll be there to help calm you. Someone pushes you to your limit? Hold that frustration in, and we’ll find other ways to get your aggression out. But trust that you can, or we’re never gonna have a chance.”
“We will,” I vowed. “I’ll keep—”
“Beau, stop,” she begged. Her golden eyes met mine, pain swirling within the plea there for me not to ruin this.
Not to destroy us.
“It took months of heartbreak and so many tears to come to the realization that I needed to do this for me and for us. And I still continued putting it off because I’ve been terrified of the possible outcome. So, for me, really think about this before promising anything.”
There was nothing to think about.
I would do anything for her, even the impossible.
“And until then?” I asked when she released me and started backing up to her car again.
“What do you mean?”
I clutched at my shattered chest before gesturing to her. “Savannah, I just spent an entire night wondering if we were even getting married anymore.”
Shock ripped across her face. “What? Why would you—what?”
“When I got to you last night, you started crying because you’d found your wedding dress, and yo
u kept telling me everything about our wedding is wrong.”
Savannah’s eyelids slowly closed as a mumbled curse slipped free. With a deep, stuttered breath, she looked at me and said, “I miss my best friend. It feels like there’s a hole in my life, and whenever I start trying to mend it, something huge happens that I wish I could share with her. But last night was just . . . all that pain fueled by alcohol, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for that. Marrying you anywhere, at any time, even with no one around, would be my idea of perfection.”
She said the words, and from the emotion weaving through them, I knew she meant them. But that look in her eyes shattered it all.
Like she was afraid we wouldn’t make it there . . . because of me.
“I love you, Beau Dixon,” she said as she rounded her car. “Know that you can do this. You can absolutely do this.”
She got in the car before I could respond, trying to hide the new tears building in her eyes, and drove away, continuing on past her house.
“I got the plantation house for the wedding.” I stared vacantly at where her car had been as the news I’d been waiting to voice drifted away with the winter breeze. I let my eyelids close and clenched my jaw as Savannah’s words replayed in my mind and had that fear I’d been running from for years catching up with me. “Small. Simple. Sunset. Peonies. There.” I swallowed past my shame and regret and uncertainly whispered, “It can finally happen.”
Turning, I slowly started down the long driveway, mind reeling from everything Savannah had said that morning and the night before.
Everything that had happened the night before.
I dragged a hand over my jaw as I climbed the porch steps, slowing when Cayson eased through the front door, dressed for the garage he worked at.
A knowing smirk tugged at the corner of his mouth. The kind that said my parents were fully aware of where I’d been. Just as he was passing me, though, it fell. Making him look all kinds of hesitant as he turned to continue across the porch backward. “Hey, uh . . .” Lifting one of his hands in surrender and gesturing to himself with the other, he said, “Messenger, yeah?”
It was disturbing.
The way actions and words had such a profound effect on me.
Two words and a fucking gesture had the world slowing and every part of my body tensing. Had a sickening poison creeping through my veins in unsettling anticipation.
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