His stare unfocused as a surge of fear rocked the already unsteady ground we wavered on. All that pain filling the bathroom until we were drowning in it.
He cleared his throat a while later, his head shifting in the faintest of shakes. “A long time ago, you said you didn’t want me to destroy the world for you. But when I saw Hunter standing there, looking like he hated me in a way I’d expected him to for so long, I saw this happening,” he said meaningfully. “That was the beginning of my world—our world—being destroyed. And I would’ve done anything . . . fucking anything to prevent that from happening. Including break my promises to you.”
“Why?” I asked, my tone dipping with the disappointment from that afternoon. “Why, when you knew what it meant? Beau, your anger is something I always felt I understood—the fighting too. But those last years, each fight seemed to fuel what was inside you. Like it was addicting to you.”
“It is,” he said blatantly, stunning me for a moment.
I blinked quickly as I tried to wrap my head around his admission. “So, what happened the other week will lead to another, and that will lead to another, and that will lead to you in jail and gone from us. That is what I was always trying to prevent for our future.”
His head shook as I spoke, and for a moment, he just stood there. Brow furrowed as if he was trying so hard to figure something out. “It is addicting and dark and disgusting,” he said, his hands coming up to claw at his chest. “It’s like I can feel all that anger getting hotter and hotter and moving through my veins and begging me to do something as it consumes me.”
I listened intently as he interwove things he’d told me long ago with new pieces I’d only ever guessed at. Parts of himself that he’d been so horrified by, he’d wanted to escape them. Refused to voice them.
When he didn’t go on, I said, “And now you’ve tasted that again.”
“I never stopped,” he said honestly.
I pressed back against the tub as his words slammed into me, confusing me and filling me with denial. I would’ve known if he’d still been losing control.
I would’ve known if he’d been getting into fights.
“I’ve never understood all this,” he said, pressing harder against his chest. “Not the way you seemed to. I’ve hated it, and I was afraid of it because I knew what I could do when I lost control. I saw the way the rest of the town and my family and your parents were afraid of me. But the more afraid I was, the easier it was for me to snap. Like my fear of what I could do was directly linked to all that shit inside me. But there’s no getting rid of that, and there was no way in hell I was letting my anger be the reason I lost you, so . . .” He shrugged, the action weighed down as a defeated laugh left him.
As if it hadn’t changed anything in the end.
“I’ve never asked how you controlled your anger simply because I knew you could,” I began softly, head nodding subtly as I thought back to those months leading up to our wedding and after.
After he’d first promised he wouldn’t get in another fight, I hadn’t brought it up. I’d just believed him and moved past it, the same as everything else.
The corners of my lips tilted up. “You know, the whole no-lingering thing. I just wanted to be there for you and help you when I saw you getting to a breaking point, but I didn’t see a need in asking how you were controlling it because I trusted you.” I met his stare and said, “But with what you’re saying . . . I’d like to know.”
“I accepted that it was always gonna be part of me and started testing it a lot when I was alone,”—he jerked his chin toward the back of the house—“fixing up the back for our wedding. Letting myself get wrapped up in all that haze and anger until it went away on its own, over and over again until I wasn’t afraid of the outcome. Until I wasn’t afraid of it at all.”
“And is that what you still do?” When he nodded, I asked, “Why didn’t you do that with Hunter?”
His head lowered slightly as he folded his arms over his chest again. The corner of his mouth twitched up, but his expression lacked all amusement and looked like he was in pain. “That was—” He hesitated for a moment and then shifted his head enough to meet my stare again. “You know when one of the kids is about to get hurt, and you do anything to prevent it, even if you get hurt in the process?”
My head dipped in a slow nod.
“Hunter was bringing the worst kind of pain for my wife and my kids—this bullshit that could destroy you and our marriage, and I had to stop him. So, I let go.” One of his shoulders lifted. “Then again, he was already hitting me, and I was terrified in a way I’ve never been, so I doubt I would’ve lasted much longer before I snapped anyway.”
“You really did choose to break your promise then,” I said sadly.
“I told you, I would’ve done anything to stop that destruction from happening.”
“To stop me from knowing what you’d done.”
His dark eyes bored into mine, pleading with me to understand. To forgive him.
I forced my stare away and shifted lower in the dry tub, trying to get comfortable when that unstable pressure in the room made it impossible to do so.
And with each minute that trudged by in silence, that pressure grew until it was unbearable.
“I don’t think you should leave,” I said as I hurriedly climbed to my feet. “With the gossip and what happened with Stephanie, I think you staying anywhere else is a bad idea—at least until we know where this is headed.”
Beau went still at my last words. His expression carefully blank and his stare on the floor.
“Savannah, what can I do?” he asked once I’d stepped into the bedroom, his voice twisting with worry. “Name it, I’ll do it.”
I turned, already shrugging. “There’s nothing you can do. I don’t know how to blame you for something that happened on a night none of us can really remember—but I’m so hurt by it,” I said, my stomach twisting and heart falling to the floor all over again. “It’s like I can’t escape this image of you and her now, and it makes me sick knowing you kissed someone else . . . touched her . . . fucked her. My best friend.”
His eyelids slowly shut as he ran a hand through his hair and then gripped his neck.
“You should’ve told me that day. You and Madison should’ve told us that day.” I pressed a hand to my uneasy stomach, my body swaying a little when the world went out of focus for a moment. Swallowing roughly, I continued on, words slow and a little thick at first. “I would’ve lost my mind and screamed at you and probably left the trip early and ignored you for a few days before working through it with you. And if you had, Madison would’ve never left. You wouldn’t have hidden so much from me for so long or broken your promise to the kids and me. You and I wouldn’t be in this position right now, and Stephanie Webb wouldn’t be naked in your office and telling the town networking system that y’all are having an affair or that we’re getting a divorce,” I cried out, my body shaking in a way that was completely out of my control. “So, unless you can go back to that night and stop us all from getting wasted, no, there’s nothing you can do.”
Beau suddenly pushed from the counter and stepped toward me, his movements seeming hesitant even though alarm rang through his tone. “Savannah?”
“I—” A shuddering breath seemed to rip from deep within me, and I started backward. But my steps felt too slow and my body felt too weak. “I have to—”
“So, unless you can go back to that night and stop us all from getting wasted, no, there’s nothing you can do.”
What the fuck does that mean?
Because this can’t be the end of us. There was no—
Everything disappeared and was replaced with alarm when I noticed Savannah’s hands. The way they were trembling against her stomach before they dropped heavily to her sides.
Her entire body was shaking.
I pushed from my spot at the counter and took slow steps toward her as I looked over her. The way her knees were knocking and her
body seemed to be moving in small waves.
When I made it back up to her face, her lips were white.
Fuck. “Savannah?”
She blinked slowly at her name. “I—” Her shoulders jerked with a heaving breath, and I hurried to close the distance between us when she started staggering backward. “I have to—”
Her eyes rolled back and her body went limp just as I reached the doorway.
“Shit.” I lurched forward, grabbing one of her arms and pulling her close before she could collapse to the floor. “Savannah,” I said through clenched teeth, panic crawling up my throat as I lifted her into my arms. “Savannah.”
Within seconds, I was lowering her to our bed and had my phone out. “Come on, angel,” I whispered as I tapped on the name and put the call on speaker, then brushed my hand across Savannah’s clammy skin and found her slow pulse. “Savannah, I need you to look at me.”
I ended the call after the third ring and quickly went to the next name, putting it on speaker the way I’d done before.
He answered after the first ring. “Man, I heard what you did—”
“Shut up, Savannah passed out.”
“Shit,” Sawyer hissed. “Okay, what’s she doing now?”
“Fucking lying here, Saw. She isn’t responding to me or looking at me.”
“How long has it been?” he demanded.
My head shook quickly as I studied her labored breathing. “I don’t know. Not even a minute.”
He made a sound like he was struggling with what I should do. “If she doesn’t come to, you gotta take her somewhere.”
“Where?” I snapped. “The closest place is half an hour away.”
“What’s going on?” Rae asked in the background, and Sawyer hurried to fill her in.
“You should call Mom, she’ll know what to do,” he said to me, then spoke away from the phone again. “What? Why are you giving me that look?”
“I already did, she didn’t—” Relief barreled through me when Savannah sucked in a stuttered breath, her eyes wide and wild and searching, her hands reaching out like she was trying to stop herself from falling. “Gotta go.” I ended the call before grabbing up her hands in mine and waiting until those golden eyes settled on me. “Talk to me. You okay?”
Her head moved in a hesitant nod before shaking rapidly as tears filled her eyes and spilled down her cheeks.
“Tell me what to do,” I begged softly as I cradled her face in my hand, brushing my thumb across her cheek. “Wanna go to the emergency room?” My phone vibrated, but I didn’t look away from Savannah as she continued shaking her head. “What can I get you? You’re scaring the shit outta me.”
“I don’t . . . I don’t know,” she said and choked over a sob. “I want to sit up.”
“I think you need to stay here for at least a few more minutes.” My stare darted over her face that was getting more color by the second. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m fine,” she said quickly as she wiped at her cheeks and released a steadying breath.
“Savannah, you passed out for the first time in all the years I’ve known you. You’re not fine.”
I glanced to the side when my phone vibrated another two times, tapping on the messages and opening up the ones from Sawyer.
And going absolutely fucking still.
Sawyer: Is she okay?
Sawyer: Beau . . . maybe you should take her to get checked . . .
Sawyer: Did you know Savannah’s pregnant?
I stared at the words for what felt like an eternity before slowly looking back at my wife.
Her eyebrows drew close when she looked up at me before she seemed to sag against the bed. “Whatever’s happened now, I can’t handle it. Just not—” She sighed. “Please, Beau, let it wait until tomorrow.”
“You’re pregnant?”
Her eyes widened and her face went void of all emotion for a while before a relenting sigh left her, transforming everything about the way she was holding herself and her expression.
Her head bobbed subtly as she whispered, “Yeah.”
“When were you gonna tell me?”
“I don’t know,” she said honestly. “It never felt like the right time, and I didn’t know how with everything going on.”
“But you told my brother,” I said gravely. “That isn’t something you keep from your husband, Savannah.”
Anger flared in her eyes. “All things considered, you have no room to say that to me. And I didn’t tell your brother. I made a slip in front of Emberly and Rae, and they figured it out. They weren’t supposed to say anything to anyone until after I’d told you.”
“Well, considering you just passed out, I’m glad someone told me.” I reached for her instinctively but forced my hand to stop inches above her body. “Now, tell me what you need. What can I do for you right now?”
“Nothing,” she said softly, her gaze drifting to the side.
“Right.” I exhaled slowly as I pushed from the bed and started across the room, slowing when I reached the door. “Tell me something,” I pleaded as I turned toward her. When she sat up and shifted in my direction, I asked, “How long have you known?”
She wavered for a second before admitting, “About a week and a half.”
Before she’d ever called me.
Before she’d given me her rings and said I was losing her.
I worked my jaw, head nodding sharply as I stalked out of the room and headed for the stairs. My long steps eating up the space quickly as I went through the kitchen and grabbed a cup, filling it with water and then turning for the fridge. My eyes narrowing on a container with half a sandwich and some fruit right up front.
I reached for it and popped the lid as I walked over to grab a plate at the same moment Savannah stepped into the kitchen.
“How old is this?”
“It’s from this afternoon,” she said as I set the plate on one of the islands and began transferring the contents. “You can have it.”
“I’m not hungry.” I couldn’t eat if I tried. It’d been like that a lot lately.
I felt sick from the constant unknown with her. From all the pain and fear. Half the days over the past few weeks, I don’t remember from lack of sleep. The others, I’d spent hours in the gym, trying to push myself past the point of being able to feel.
Not that it’d worked.
I pushed the cup and plate toward her as she walked back from placing the empty container in the dishwasher. “Eat before you go to sleep.”
“I could’ve done this.”
“I know you could’ve, but you just passed out and you won’t tell me what you need. And until you give me a stack of papers and ask for my signature, you’re still my wife. Even after that? That baby’s mine. So, let me take care of you.”
Her honey eyes searched mine for a long while before her head lowered in the faintest nod. “You’re leaving?” she asked when I walked over to grab my keys off the counter, her voice hitching.
Curling my hand around the keys, my shoulders sagged with a heavy sigh. “I’m sure there’s no way my heart can break more than it has,” I began, voice soft. “But then you tell me I’m losing you and give me your wedding rings. You say things like you think I should stay here until we know where this is headed and there’s nothing I can do.”
I turned to face her, studying the way she was trying so damn hard to control her expression. To mask her pain.
Stepping toward her, I moved slowly until I had her pressed against the island with my hands on either side, giving her every chance to stop me. “Savannah, my heart’s been breaking for a long damn time because it was agony knowing what I did to you. But this?” My throat worked fiercely when my eyes began burning. “I would do anything to make up for what I’ve done, and I will do anything to save us. Our marriage . . . our family.”
My body shuddered as every part of my being rebelled against the words before they came out. “I know you don’t owe me anything, but if you reall
y have no intention of even letting me try to fix this, then please just . . . just stop dragging this out. End this.”
“I don’t want a divorce,” she said, her voice dipping in all the wrong ways.
Fear grabbed hold of my throat and slowly tightened its grip. “But?”
“But I don’t know how to let you do what you’re asking. I told you, I don’t know how to get past this.”
I didn’t know how to survive this agony. I wasn’t sure I wanted to.
I pushed away from the counter as the first tears fell and reached for my wedding band, feeling like my soul shattered as soon as my fingers grasped it.
“Oh my God, stop,” she cried out, gripping my wrists.
“Savannah.” Her name wrenched from the depths of my ruined soul as my eyes shut. “I can’t keep wondering if the next time I see you is gonna be the time you decide to tell me we’re done. I can’t keep wondering why Quinn is repeatedly informing me that you and I are getting a divorce. All while you’re saying things that confirm we will be.”
“I don’t . . . I don’t want—” Her fingers curled tighter against me. “I’ve never said anything to Quinn or any of the kids. I’ve been trying so hard to keep all of this from them. She came up with that on her own, and the only time it was said in front of me, I told her she was wrong because that’s the last thing I want, I just . . .”
I looked at her in time to see her face crumple with grief, her body sagging and shuddering as her breaths started coming too fast and too rough.
Her head shook quickly as she released me and slipped out from where I’d had her pinned against the island, her sharp inhales echoing in the kitchen as she quickly walked away.
“Can’t get past it,” I finished for her, swallowing thickly as I pressed my hands to the counter again and let my head hang between my shoulders.
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