by J. J. McAvoy
ELEVEN
“Loving you never was an option – it was necessity.”
―Unknown
CORALINE
DAY 1
It had been twenty-four hours since it felt like my world had imploded. I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed. I couldn’t go to work knowing what I knew. Rolling over, I reached for my laptop. Lifting the screen, my email popped up, and the very first thing I saw was a message from him in my inbox.
Slamming the damn thing shut, I turned back around. I lay there for a few minutes, but I felt like it was calling out to me like the One Ring had called to Frodo.
I need to work. I should just delete it.
Sitting up, I grabbed my laptop once more and opened it. I tried to delete it as fast as I could, but my eyes were able to read it faster.
No moment with you was lie.
But I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth. I didn’t want to let go of you.
Declan A. Callahan.
PS—I love you
It was simple, short, and sweet.
Sweet? He wasn’t sweet. He was a murderer. What the hell is wrong with you, Coraline?
DAY 2
Would you have hated me if I had waited longer? If I would’ve waited until you felt the same way about me as I do about you, before I told you the truth? I woke up today wondering that. I hope you are alright.
Declan Callahan
PS—I love you.
I paused and stared at the screen of my desktop computer in the office.
Swallowing slowly, I rubbed the top of my chest. I wished he would stop. No. What I really wished for was for him to be someone different; to be the man I thought he was.
DAY 3
“Ms. Wilson?” Constanza came into my office as I stared out at the Chicago landscape. I hated how bright and sunny it was outside today. I felt like it needed to be dark, gloomy, and raining.
The sun should know when to hide.
“Ms. Wilson?”
Turning around to her, I watched as she took off her glasses and held them up to the light. Satisfied, she placed it back on her face and looked at me.
“No offense, ma’am, but you don’t look well.”
I didn’t feel well.
“I’m alright, Constanza. What is it?”
“Mr. Stevens wanted to set up a dinner meeting with a client on Friday and wants to know if you’re free.”
“That’s fine, thank you,” I muttered as I turned back around and resumed staring out the window. However, before I could allow myself to be lost in my thoughts, my phone buzzed, and once again there was another email from him.
I took a deep breath knowing full well that I shouldn’t read it, but I couldn’t help myself.
I’m not poet. I’m not really good at words. The last book I read was a computer programming manual. I have so much I want to say to you. I want to go back to that week. I want to hear you laugh. I want to see you. Hold you. Love you. But most of all, I want you to want the same things. I’ve never missed anyone as much as I’ve missed you.
That’s all I can think to say.
Declan.
PS—I love you.
“Why?” I cried as I dropped my head into my lap. Why couldn’t he normal? Everything would’ve been perfect if it wasn’t for this one, small thing.
Small? It was the exact opposite of small! His secret, his family’s secret, was too big…too wrong. I’d Googled the Irish mob and the things that came up…it scared me. I couldn’t imagine Declan like that. He was sweet and kind and funny. I didn’t feel alone when I was with him.
Now that he was gone, I felt more alone than I ever had.
“If you ever feel lonely. Call me…I’ll be there in any way you need me to be. I swear,” I heard him whisper in my mind.
I needed him here…my Declan, not some mafia hit man.
DAY 4
I think I should apologize for my last couple of emails. If you haven’t noticed, I’m selfish, Coraline. I’m horribly selfish, and because of that, I only think about what I want or need. I’m sorry for that. I’ve lived this life for so long that it’s not a big deal to me anymore, it’s just what we do. It’s who we are, and no one else blinks an eye at it. I can’t even imagine what you must be thinking. How scared you must have been when I told you, and how scared you must feel now. This isn’t just a small thing, a tiny character flaw. It’s huge. It’s ugly. And I have to accept that it is part of me. But you don’t.
I don’t want you to be afraid. I want you to smile and laugh and go out. I want you to go to Greece and where ever else you want to go. God, Coraline, I want so much happiness for you that even knowing that it won’t be with me is okay because I never deserved you. I knew that but I tried anyway and I hurt you. I’m sorry for that too. The man you wake up next to in ten years should have a normal job…a normal family. Part of me wishes that I could tell him to not fuck up because you really need someone to step up for you. To be everything you ever need.
He should take you out at least twice…no, three times a week. He should buy you flowers…hell, he should know what type of flowers you like. He should treasure you…worship you, because you honestly are worth that and so much more.
I fell in love with you the moment you walked into the Eastside Diner. I was a blubbering fool who I couldn’t take his eyes off you. I almost poured a whole can of sugar into my coffee, and stole some kid’s umbrella (not my finest moment) just to have an excuse to talk to you. But before I could get the words out, you were gone. I should have known then that you were out of my league. Smart. Beautiful. Funny. Cute. Sexy. Breathtaking…and above all, honest. Who the hell did I think I was to deserve that? A monster should not hang around a queen…he’ll forget his place. I’m supposed to be the thing in the shadows, or under the bed. And you, Coraline, shouldn’t be with a monster.
Thank you for giving me two of my firsts. I’m never going to forget falling for you and I’m so sorry again that I hurt you. You’ll be fine. I promise that I won’t ever let anyone touch you.
Declan.
PS I will always love you.
I sat on my kitchen floor eating ice cream straight out of the carton. I knew I was crying, but I didn’t bother to wipe away my tears. I just ate. Sometimes it was okay to cry…
“Can you go somewhere else? I’m having guests over,” my aunt said, frowning in disgust. For a split second I moved to get up and then I stopped.
“No.”
“What?”
“I’m sitting here until I feel like moving. It’s my house, my kitchen, and my ice cream. So take your guests somewhere else…”
“Coraline!” she yelled at me just like when I was a kid.
Ignoring her, I just kept eating.
What I else could I do?
DAY 5
I rushed into Absolon, already five minutes late for my business dinner with Mr. Stevens, and our client, Mrs. Graham. However, when I got to the table, Mr. Stevens was sitting alone.
“You made it.” He stood.
“Yeah, but aren’t I late? Where’s Mrs. Graham?” I sat down.
“She called to say that she was also running late. Did you read up on her file? She can be quite difficult,” he stated.
I nodded as I took a sip of my water. “Yes I did. Don’t worry, I’ll follow your lead…”
The last time you followed a man’s lead, you got hurt.
Shaking my head, I took a deep breath as I gripped my phone under the desk. He hadn’t sent me an email me today and it bothered me. The more I read his last letter, the more it felt like he was gone. Like he’d let go of me, and it hurt. I didn’t understand what I was feeling anymore.
“Before she gets here I wanted to talk to you about something,” Mr. Stevens said, pulling me from my thoughts.
Nodding, I gave him my attention. “Please, go on.”
“It’s about the job you gave your uncle.” He frowned.
Oh no.
“Has he done som
ething?”
“No,” he shook his head. “I checked on him and he’s doing fine. But you should be careful. Your father always said that he could never trust his brother. That his greed often gets the best of him. And he’s made it clear that he wants the bank. If you aren’t careful he could steal it away from under you.”
Part of me wanted to say he could take it.
“Thank you…I…” I paused as I saw him and his family enter in the restaurant. The hostess led them over to a private table next to the shark tank. I instinctively put my hand up to block my face.
“Coraline?”
“Huh?” I asked as I looked back to Mr. Stevens.
“Are you alright?”
“Tyrone!” Mrs. Graham loudly exclaimed as she came up to us. She was dressed in a full-length fur coat…even though it was summer, and her white hair was immaculately styled and held in place by what I could only assume were a thousand hairpins.
Stevens stood up cheerfully and welcomed her. I glanced to their table hoping that he hadn’t noticed us, but he had. His green eyes pierced though me for the longest second of my life before he looked away.
“Mrs. Graham, this is Ms. Coraline Wilson.”
“Oh my! You are beautiful!” She kissed both of my cheeks.
I smiled. “Thank you so much, you look amazing. Please have a seat.”
“Oh, you would never believe the traffic, my driver had to take all the back streets just to get us here.” She waved her hands in the air.
“I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. Would you like to order now?”
“So polite.” She laughed.
Well, she could be my grandmother.
“Of course. How else are we supposed to earn your trust?” Stevens laughed, but it was fake and hard to listen to.
They started talking, but once again my eyes drifted to Declan. I noticed how close they were all siting together. Evelyn, smacked one of the boys’ hands when he reached for the last piece of bread before taking it for herself. They all laughed…well, all of them but Declan, though he did manage a smile. Another member of their family…Liam, I believe his name was, wrapped his arm around his neck and said something that made the rest of them laugh. Declan just nodded and his eyes drifted back to mine. I reluctantly turned back to Mrs. Graham who was still talking about the traffic.
I couldn’t help but wonder how it felt to sit over at that table with them. To laugh, with them like one family. They seemed so happy and warm…was it all an act? If it was, they all deserved awards.
***
When I stepped out of the bathroom stall, there was Evelyn Callahan washing her hands, in her soft, pink lace cocktail dress. She looked in the mirror and smiled.
“Coraline! I had no idea you were here.” She turned to me as I moved to wash my hands.
“Hello, Mrs. Callahan.” I whispered without looking at her.
“Why are you so stiff? Is everything alright?” she asked so kindly that I had to face her. Her head tilted to the side and her eyes brimmed over with genuine concern as she looked at me.
She had to have known. Surely Declan had told them by now.
“I know,” I whispered. “I know who you all really are.”
She frowned. “Coraline, that is no reason to go around looking like the sky has fallen.”
She couldn’t be serious.
“Maybe you didn’t hear me. I said I know that—”
“We’re the mafia,” she whispered conspiratorially as leaned into me and a small smile crept over her face. “So? Is that why you’re not at my son’s side?”
“How can you be—?”
“So what?” she questioned as she turned to look at her reflection in the mirror. She opened her clutch and pulled out a small bottle of lotion. She placed a few dots on her hands before she held the bottle out to me.
I stared at her, too shocked and confused to speak.
She lifted my hands up and placed a squirt of the lotion into them before she put it away. “I swear these bathroom soaps make your hands feel like sandpaper.”
“I’m confused,” I finally managed to say as I rubbed my hands together. “Why are you like this? How can you be so calm? It’s not like he told me that you guys skip taxes, he told me what you really do.”
“Never skip taxes, sweetie. Uncle Sam forgives no one and has a long memory. You know that’s how they got Al Capone, right?”
I felt like someone there should be a sign somewhere saying, “Welcome to The Twilight Zone.”
“To answer your question.” She sighed as she faced me again. “It’s not a big deal because it isn’t a big deal.”
“I’m sure there are plenty of people who would disagree.”
She shrugged. “You and I aren’t plenty of people. If you didn’t know, would you still with be with him?”
I said nothing.
“Of course you would be. You were happy. You, even if you don’t want to admit it, already started to picture your life with him. So what? He’s not hundred percent good. He’s still better than anyone else you will ever find. The men of this family are loyal to the very end. They don’t just love their women, they worship them. Anything you could ever want in life, he will not stop until he gives it you. You have no idea how many mothers have come to me asking me to present their daughters to him…how many of them have begged to be in this family. You are always loved. You always have a family. So what if he isn’t perfect?”
“The line between a lack of perfection and murder is a big one.”
“Then why can’t you stop looking at him?” she asked and I realized that she had followed me in here on purpose. “Go back to your mediocrity and your misery, Coraline, if you can’t handle the fact that the best things in life always come with a catch. I can see it in your eyes. How lonely you are. It’s a shame that you are standing in the way of your own happiness.”
She walked around me, her heels clicking on the ground, as she made her way out. I leaned against the counter for a second, breathing deeply when the door opened again and I stood up straighter. But it wasn’t her, it was Declan.
His eyes looked over me frantically before he relaxed.
“Thank God. I thought she hurt you,” he said softly.
“Evelyn?”
He nodded. “Even I don’t know what my aunt is capable of. I don’t think anyone but Sedric knows, and if he asked her to hurt you, she would. Sorry for barging in. I just…I just needed to see you were alright. You look nice. Sorry. Ugh. I will go.”
He turned to leave.
Wait!
But I couldn’t bring myself to say it. I let him walk away from me and my heart ached.
DAY 6
I missed him. No matter how much I didn’t want admit it. I missed him, to the point where I almost called.
Almost.
DAY 7
I was at the Elgin Soup Kitchen today. I felt the need to do some good, and feeding the homeless seemed like the only thing I could do. Part of me wanted to remind myself that my problems meant nothing. There were worse things going on in the world and I shouldn’t waste my time thinking about him.
“Hello,” I said, with a smile, to the small, freckle-faced girl who stood in front of my station of cakes and other breads. “Which one do you want?”
She stood up on her tippy toes, as her eyes looked them all over. Then she glanced to someone who was either her older sister or her really young mother. The girl looked so…broken—and I knew broken. The rings around her eyes told me that she hadn’t had a restful night’s sleep in weeks. She nodded to the little girl and she pointed to the chocolate covered cake. I gave her the biggest piece.
“Thank you!” She beamed like I had just given her Willy Wonka’s Golden ticket.
“You’re welcome,” I said as she went back to her table.
Next up was rather large muscle man. The hair on his head and eyebrow had been shaved off. He grinned and pointed down to the sponge cake. He looked kind of like a little kid d
espite his appearance. Laughing to myself, I nodded as I handed it to him. He said ‘thank you’ in sign language, and I, unsure of how to respond, copied the action. But instead of walking away, his gaze shifted to behind me and I felt someone step up next to me. Turning to look, I found that it was none other than Liam Callahan, dressed in a plain cotton shirt and a pair of jeans. In all of the times I had seen him, this had to have been the most causal. But he didn’t look at me. Instead, he started to sign to the man in front us. I looked on as they had what seemed to be a hilarious conversation.
“Any day, Ardal!” Liam said as he waved him off. They clasped hands over the food table before the man finally went to his seat.
Liam grabbed a pair of gloves under the counter and pulled on them on without looking at me.
“Hello,” I finally said to him and his green eyes, so much like Declan’s, focused in one me.
“Hello, Coraline.” He nodded causally before he turned his attention to the next person in line.
A little boy with blond hair.
Liam rolled his eyes. “I don’t like this one. NEXT.”
“Liam!” I gasped at him and then to the boy who made a face.
“I ain’t like your sorry ass either!” The boy said in the strongest accent I had ever heard.
“Listen, kid—”
“Kid, I am manlier then your sorry—” Before he could finish another younger boy came over quickly and placed his hand over the boy’s mouth.
“Sorry, sir, he’s bit stubborn, this one,” the older one said.
“You better knock some sense to him.” Liam took a random cake and dropped it onto the boy’s tray.
The blond boy bit the hand over his mouth and glared at Liam who just glared back to him.
“I don’t want this one.”
“You know what—”
“Which one did you want?” I cut in quickly.
The boys turned to me and the little boy made puppy dog eyes. “The chocolate one.”
“Okay then, let’s trade,” I said as I handed over the chocolate cake, but the little brat stole it and ran off with them both!
