by Jo Ann Brown
“It’s not something I can explain.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Michael grimaced. “All that stuff about the heart leading the head or other sentimental garbage. I think it’s an excuse for your desire for drama. If things get too quiet, you try to shake things up by shaking poor Leanna up. I can’t believe you treat a woman you say you care about like that.”
“I don’t—”
Michael flung up his hands. “Don’t tell me you don’t know what you’ve done. Benjamin’s sister, Sarah, was at their house tonight, and she was upset. She said Leanna had enough to deal with without you adding more stress to her life.”
“Michael—”
“I don’t want to hear it, Gabriel. You messed up the first time around with Leanna, but for some reason I can’t fathom, she’s stepped up to help with your kinder. You welcomed her into our home, so what was she to think but that you’re interested in her again? What are you interested in, Gabriel? Having a make-believe family that’s convenient for you?” He didn’t give Gabriel a chance to answer. Putting his scowling face close to his brother’s, he snarled, “What happens when it’s not convenient any longer?”
“Michael, it’s not what you think.”
“Isn’t it? Well, it doesn’t look as if it’ll be much longer, because you’re messing everything up again. Do you know how few people get a second chance to right a wrong? And you’re throwing this one away!”
His brother stormed out of the kitchen and up the stairs. As Gabriel returned to the table, he heard Michael’s boots slamming on the floor upstairs.
Heidi gave a soft cry of alarm.
“It’s okay,” Gabriel said to soothe her and her brother. “Your onkel Michael likes to be loud sometimes.” He made a silly face, which made the bopplin smile before they began playing again.
Folding his arms on the table, he pondered what his brother had said. Michael was right...from his point of view. Without knowing the whole truth, his brother saw him as a witless dummkopf.
And maybe he was.
Could his brother be right about him pushing Leanna away by resorting to drama?
A knock on the door startled Gabriel. Who was calling so late at night?
Whoever it was must be carrying a flashlight, for he saw it move when the person knocked a second time. He got up and opened the door.
“Leanna, what are you doing here?” he asked as he motioned for her to come in.
She took a single step into the kitchen and closed the door behind her. As she stepped into the light, he saw the raw emotion on her face that matched her broken voice when she said, “My grossmammi needs surgery on her heart.”
* * *
Leanna’s heart longed for Gabriel to take her into his arms and hold her until her fear faded away. When she’d gotten home from the hospital with her grossmammi, and while Grossmammi Inez got ready for bed, she’d spent time explaining to her siblings what they’d learned. Leanna had gone out to check on her goats, wanting time alone to unwind from the appointment, and instead, she found herself walking to Gabriel’s house.
No matter how irritated she was with him, no matter how little she comprehended why he’d chosen Freda over her, there was a bond she’d never been able to explain between her and Gabriel. Something that went beyond friendship, beyond obligation and even beyond love. It was as if, in times of trouble, he was the one she must turn to.
Gut sense rallied in time, so she bent to pick up the bopplin. Without a word, Gabriel took Heidi from her and put his other hand on her arm. He opened the door and steered Leanna toward the rocking chair on the front porch. She didn’t resist, so tired from trying to appear cheerful for her grossmammi that she wasn’t sure how much longer her knees would hold her up.
Once she was sitting, rocking slowly, he pulled the other chair near to where she stared out across the yard toward the horizon and the faint silhouettes of the Green Mountains. She loved the view from his porch, and tonight she’d be happy to lose herself in watching the stars dance across the sky. She appreciated the reminder that she was small in the universe and that God was holding her beloved grossmammi in His hand.
“Inez needs surgery on her heart,” he said, prompting her to speak.
Leanna cradled a sleepy Harley in her arms, the pace of her rocking increasing as she outlined what the doktor had said less than two hours before. “She must have a new valve to replace a clogged one. I asked about pills, but the doktor said it would only postpone the surgery and delaying could be stupid because the valve is getting more clogged. It’s making Grossmammi Inez weaker and weaker. If she gets too weak, the surgery will become extra dangerous.”
“So she has no choice.”
“Not if she wants to feel better.”
He sighed as he looked at Heidi, who was falling asleep against his chest. “Where are they going to do the surgery?”
“Albany.”
“That’s, what, forty miles from here?”
“More than fifty. We’ll arrange for a driver, Hank if he’s available, to take us there.” She waved that aside as if that detail weren’t important.
“What will the doktors do during the surgery?”
“It’s almost unbelievable. They’ve made so many new medical advances, and what they can do is awe inspiring. They’ll send the new, man-made valve through a vein in her leg, knock the old valve aside and set the new one in place.”
“You’re right. That sounds crazy, but I’ve heard about other types of procedures that use veins to reach the patient’s heart. When are they doing the surgery?”
“Day after tomorrow. We’ve got to be there before seven, because the surgery is scheduled for around ten in the morning. Juanita will come over that day to take care of the bopplin. I hope they behave for her.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’ve—”
She didn’t let him finish, too focused on what needed to be done to pay attention to what he was saying. “To be honest, Juanita is looking forward to it now that the twins know her better. Juanita told me to let you know that she’ll be available for as long as necessary to babysit. My brother Lyndon’s wife, Rhoda, as well as Sarah and Miriam, will take care of Juanita’s housecleaning jobs until she can return. I don’t know how long Grossmammi Inez will need me. Once she’s home again, if you can drop off Heidi and Harley, I’ll watch them at our house while I’m helping my grossmammi.”
“I told you. You don’t have to worry about the twins.”
“Of course, I do. I told you that I’d babysit for you, and I don’t go back on my word. If I did, then why would anyone believe what I said ever again? I...” Her eyes widened as if she’d realized that what she said could have been considered a slur aimed at him. “Gabriel, I didn’t mean...that is...” With a groan, she put her hand over her face.
He took her hand and lowered it. “You don’t have to apologize for speaking the truth, Leanna. I let you believe one thing, and then I did the opposite. I should be astonished that you have done as much as you have for me and my family after what I did.”
“What you did was marry someone else. You didn’t make any promises to me.”
* * *
I wanted to make you a promise that would last a lifetime.
The words burst into Gabriel’s head like an explosion. The memory of his brother’s sharp words followed. Instead of helping Leanna as she was helping him, he was filling her life with more strain and uncertainty. When she should have been thinking of her grossmammi, she’d been making plans for childcare for him.
“Leanna, you don’t need to worry about the twins,” he repeated.
Her brow furrowed, creating deeper shadows in the dim light from the kitchen. “What do you mean?”
“I know you agreed to watch them as a favor, and I’ve taken advantage of your kindness for too long. That’s why I’ve found someone else to watch them.” He�
�d tried to explain that to his brother, too, but neither Michael nor Leanna had given him a chance.
“Someone else?” She stiffened in the chair, and Harley roused with a soft complaint.
“David Bowman’s mamm has been looking for something to do now that his kinder are getting older, and I know you’re overwhelmed with helping here along with everything else you do. She’s volunteered to get the milch from your house and make the bopplin’s formula. You’ve mentioned several times how you worry about Inez doing that because the least little thing tires her out.”
“Annie’s been making the formula before she goes to work at the bakery most mornings.”
“So it’ll be easier on your twin, too.”
And easier on me.
He bit back the words he shouldn’t speak. He didn’t want to admit that Michael was right, that he hadn’t looked for a substitute before because he’d wanted Leanna to come to the house every day. That Gabriel liked having the woman he had almost married help him create his make-believe family.
In front of him, Leanna seemed to wilt. The strength she’d shown tonight and every day since they’d met again drained from her. What had happened? He’d thought she’d be pleased with his solution to easing her stress.
He opened his mouth, but she halted him by coming to her feet. She handed a half-asleep Harley to him and straightened her shoulders. No warmth brightened her face as she looked down at him.
“That sounds like a reasonable solution, Gabriel.” Her voice was crisp and her words clipped. “Shall I finish out the week?”
“That’s not necessary. With Inez’s surgery coming up in a couple of days, it’d be better if Magdalena started right away. That way, if she’s got any questions, I can have her talk to you before you get involved in caring for your grossmammi.”
Turning on her heel, she bade him goodbye as she’d done at the end of every day she’d been at the house.
Unlike then, she wouldn’t be returning.
He watched her vanish into the shadows.
“So are you pleased with yourself?” Michael asked through the open door.
Gabriel didn’t answer. He should be relieved. Leanna hadn’t made a scene or given him more than a token argument. She’d been gracious as she always was, keeping her feelings private.
No, that wasn’t true. He’d seen the flash of hurt in her eyes before she’d hidden it.
Everything had gone better than he’d hoped.
So why did he feel as if he were the greatest and most heartless dummkopf who’d ever walked God’s green earth?
Chapter Fifteen
The morning air was close and sticky when Leanna stepped out onto the back porch. She was relieved Juanita had agreed to milk the goats this morning. Annie would be teaching Magdalena Bowman how to make the formula for Harley and Heidi, but her twin was useless when it came to milking either the goats or the cows. Annie loved animals and was always sneaking treats to Penny whenever the copper-colored pup came into the house, but she hated milking. She was happiest when she was working at the bakery, devising new recipes with the man she’d be marrying in the fall.
In spite of herself, Leanna looked across the dark fields to where she could barely see the tilting silo behind the Millers’ barn through the glistening gray of morning fog lit above by moonlight. She wondered if the brothers would fix it or tear it down and build something new.
Then she wondered why she cared.
Gabriel had been pushing her away for the past week, and she’d been too dumm to realize it. She’d sought him out because she thought he’d offer her some comfort in the wake of her grossmammi’s prognosis. Instead, he’d told her that he’d found someone to replace her in taking care of his kinder. She shouldn’t be surprised after the debacle when he decided to marry Freda, but she’d been so sure there was more to him that the self-serving man she didn’t want to believe he was.
She’d been wrong.
“Ready?” asked a weak voice from behind her.
Turning, Leanna offered Grossmammi Inez her arm. That the older woman took it as they went down the steps warned Leanna that her grossmammi was feeling worse. Glad her grossmammi wouldn’t have to suffer through another day of gasping for breath, Leanna sent a quick prayer to ask God to guide the surgeon’s hands and instruments with skill.
They’d reached the grass when a vehicle turned up the driveway and came to a stop near where the buggy was parked. In the light from the porch, the van was spotlessly white, and Leanna wondered how Hank managed to keep it so clean on unpaved roads. The short man with gray hair and a beard turning to the same shade jumped out of the driver’s side and came around to open the passenger doors.
“Good morning, ladies,” he said, cheerful as always. He wore his usual coat that, he’d told Leanna months ago, was purple and gold to support the local high school teams. Without asking, he assisted Grossmammi Inez into the van.
Leanna appreciated the Englischer’s kindness and how he didn’t make a big deal of how her grossmammi sounded as she breathed or how she shuffled when she walked. After climbing in to sit beside Grossmammi Inez, she thanked Hank when he closed the sliding door before going around the van and getting behind the wheel.
Though she’d given him the address when she contacted him, Leanna told him again that they needed to go to Albany Medical Center.
“The New Scotland Avenue entrance?” he asked.
After he’d switched on the light in the van, she checked the map among the papers her grossmammi had been given by the surgeon’s staff. “Ja.”
“Let’s go. It’s already almost five thirty.” He smiled at them as he turned off the light and turned the key in the ignition. “I’m glad we’re leaving so early, so we shouldn’t have to worry about too much rush hour traffic on our way.”
Leanna leaned against the hard seat and watched her grossmammi wave to their family gathered by the driveway. She knew their cheerful expressions were as false as her own.
There wasn’t much traffic on the road into Salem, but the small talk she made with Hank drifted away before they’d gone ten miles. Beside her, Grossmammi Inez was looking out the window at the houses and barns rushing past in the strengthening light of the day.
“I haven’t ridden in cars often,” the old woman said as they wound through the streets of Greenwich, which were draped in the fog that had grown thicker while they followed the road along the Battenkill. “It reminds me of the motion picture I saw when I was a young girl. Everything moved so fast. I scarcely had time to see one thing before something else had replaced it.”
“I didn’t know you’d ever gone to a movie.”
Her grossmammi wagged a finger at her. “I know I seem as old as these hills to you, kins-kind, but there were movies fifty years ago.” She winked at Leanna. “And I know exactly how many you and your sister managed to sneak out to see with your friends. Three.”
“Ja.” She tried to laugh, but it sounded fake even to her. “We never could fool you, Grossmammi Inez.”
With a pat to Leanna’s arm, she said, “Now, now, don’t sound so sad. I’m not planning on leaving this life today. In fact, the doktor said replacing the valve should make me feel two decades younger. I plan to stick around here so I can spend a lot more time with my kins-kinder and your own kinder.”
“I know.” She blinked tears away, but others rushed to take their place and threatened to fall down her cheeks. “I want you to know how much we appreciate what you’ve done for us.”
“I love you, so the rest was easy.”
“You opened your home to us when first Daed, then Mamm and Bert, our stepfather, died, and you raised us when you could have been enjoying your retirement.”
Her grossmammi made a sound that sounded like something Heidi did when offered something to eat that she despised. “Retirement? Sitting on the porch and rocking and wa
tching the sun rise and set? Such a boring life would have led me to an early grave. You kinder have kept me on my toes and kept me young.”
“You could have—”
“No, Leanna, there’s been nothing else I would have wanted to do. Having so much time with my kins-kinder has been a wunderbaar blessing that I wouldn’t trade for anything.” She patted Leanna’s cheek. “And I refused to let you kinder be separated.”
“Separated?”
Grossmammi Inez waved a diffident hand. “There was a lot of talk about where all of you would live after your parents died. You know how everyone feels the need at such times to voice an opinion. Nothing ever came of it. I shouldn’t have said anything. After all these years, what does it matter? We are where God wants us to be, and that’s together.”
Leanna gave her grossmammi a gentle hug, not wanting to squeeze her and make it more difficult for her to breathe. If Grossmammi Inez wasn’t so anxious about the surgery, she most likely never would have mentioned that there had been a discussion to place the Wagler kinder in different homes.
The rest of the long ride to Albany was mostly silent, though Leanna answered whenever her grossmammi spoke. She wasn’t surprised when Grossmammi Inez grabbed her arm and didn’t let go when the van zoomed across a high bridge. Her grossmammi kept holding on to her when they exited onto narrow city streets with cars that seemed to go as fast as on the highway.
“There’s the hospital ahead of us,” Hank said.
Leanna peered through the windshield at a tall redbrick building. Cars were jammed up in front of the entrance. She glanced at the clock on the dashboard. They would never reach the office in time to check in if they had to wait for those cars to clear.
“Don’t worry.” Hank glanced back with a smile. “We’re going into a different parking lot. We’ll have you there with plenty of time to spare, Inez.”
“We can be dropped off at valet parking,” Leanna reminded him.
