“I’ve been here waiting for thirty minutes,” she says. “No one knew where you were. And you wouldn’t answer your cell. So here I am.”
Paul relents. “Yeah, sorry. I was doing an interview. I had the ringer turned off because I was recording.”
“So do you want to talk about yesterday?”
“Not really, no.”
“But don’t you think we should?”
Paul holds her gaze. “What’s on your mind?”
She stares back, obviously working hard to not get offended. “Don’t . . . please don’t talk to me that way. Like I’m some, some . . . outsider.”
“She just left me yesterday! Can I get a little breathing room here? Please?” His words come out louder than expected, and remembering where he is, he calms himself down.
The woman offers a look of compassion. “All right. Yes, of course. I was worried. That’s all.”
Paul softens his tone too. “Sorry. I know you are. It’s just . . . I’m having a bad week. Like really bad. You literally wouldn’t believe it. I’m not even sure I do.”
She can see Paul is not doing well and doesn’t want to make things worse for him. “Do you want me to just go? I’m only here to help you.”
Paul looks down, thinking.
“You know, her leaving wasn’t your fault, right? It wasn’t really anyone’s fault. At least I don’t see it that way.”
“What? Of course it’s my fault,” he protests.
“Why? Why does someone have to take the fall, be the one to blame? Especially you? Things just happen in this world, Paul. In life.”
“Well, you know, I have a slightly different perspective on that, don’t you think?”
“I know,” she answers, “and it’s one of the things I’ve always loved about you. You have a strength, a certainty, a faith that I’ve never had . . . And yet here we are. People are going to be people.”
“But this was my fault.”
“How?”
“I never should have gone away, especially overseas for that long, out of touch too much. That decision was stupid. I didn’t really think it through. The potential consequences. What might happen. I regret going at all.”
Confused and visibly frustrated, she asks, “Is that what you think?”
“Yes! Of course! What else could I possibly think?”
“Oh no . . .. no, Paul.” She crosses her arms and peers out the office window, trying to make a tough decision.
Paul is watching, waiting for her to go on. Finally, in a sort of hushed shout, he calls out, “What? What?”
Knowing she is about to devastate him, the young woman gathers her words carefully. “Paul . . . Sarah had the affair . . . before you left for Afghanistan.”
In a heartbeat, the weight of the world crashes down onto Paul’s shoulders, so much so he feels he might collapse under it. Completely speechless and in shock, he fights to hold back tears as well as his anger. He turns his head away to hide his face from her.
“I’m so, so sorry,” she whispers. “Until this conversation, I thought you knew.”
“Give me a minute, please?” he requests quietly.
At the worst possible time, Gary, not knowing anyone is in his office, walks up and throws open the door. At first, he looks apologetic, as if in distracted deep thought, he walked into the wrong room. Wouldn’t be the first time that had happened. Then he sees his pictures and familiar surroundings. Taking a step back, he says, “Oh . . . hi. Sorry, I . . . What are you doing in my office, Paul?” Inferred is the obvious question, And who is this woman with you behind my closed door?
Paul can’t speak. Can’t look his boss in the eye. Well, right now, he can’t look anyone in the eye. “Sorry, Gary. I just thought . . . I didn’t mean to . . .”
The woman tries to divert attention by offering her hand to Gary. “Hi, I’m Grace, Paul’s sister-in-law. Sarah’s sister.”
Gary shakes her hand, relieved but now confused. Trying to be polite and break the obvious tension, he compliments with his usual charm, “Oh yeah? Well, I’m a big fan of your sister. My friend Paul here married way over his head with her. A blessed man, for sure.”
“Good to meet you, Gary. I’ve heard a lot of great things about you. Thank you. And I’m so sorry that we hijacked your office. Would you mind just giving us a couple of minutes to wrap up here? I am so sorry. I would appreciate it.”
Gary looks at Paul, who is still turned away from them. “Paul? Everything okay?”
Paul never moves but answers, “Yeah, just give us a minute and we’ll be out of your way.”
Gary smiles at Grace and starts to back out the door. “Sure, I need to check on some things with my assistant anyway. Take your time.”
Just as he is out the door and Grace turns to continue the difficult conversation, Gary comes back in, holding up a piece of paper. “I have that name that you asked me to get, Paul. You know, for your friend. They can see him tomorrow morning if he can make it.”
Paul says nothing. Right now, Matt is the least of his concerns. Funny how priorities can change so drastically in such a short amount of time.
“I’ll just put the name and number on this chair. You can grab it when you’re done here,” Gary says with a slight smile as he turns quickly and walks out, closing the door behind him.
Alone once again, Grace turns to Paul to ask, “He doesn’t know?”
Paul shakes his head.
For many years, starting back when Sarah first began dating Paul, he has been the big brother Grace never had. And, up until just recently, the kind of man she always hoped to find for herself one day.
While a couple of years younger than Sarah, Grace still managed to have most of the “firsts” between the two of them—boyfriends, job, moving out, even leaving the church—clear signs of independence from her family’s values and faith. Grace has always been such a free spirit that being attached to anything or any rules for very long always felt to her like trying to hold a beach ball under water—exhausting, pointless, and fighting the inevitable. Her caution-to-the-wind mentality and artsy lifestyle made her dream of an acting career in the Big Apple feel like fate was calling her name. Well, that is, when she’s actually able to land a role.
For the first time in their relationship, however, Grace feels more like the responsible sibling trying to care for Sarah as well as Paul. Until now as the little sister, she has always been the one in the family that everyone was trying to “fix,” so the tables being turned are a bit strange for them all.
Grace decides to push Paul a bit. After all, trying to help is the only reason she’s been reaching out to him. “You need to talk to someone you can trust. Get some support. If not me, then someone.” At his continued stone silence, she adds, “You know, you’re not the first one to go through something like this.”
Paul slowly faces her. “I’d like to talk to Sarah about it, but I haven’t seen her in the past twenty-four hours and she’s not answering or returning my calls. I don’t even know where she is. For all I know she’s with . . . him.”
“I can assure you that’s over,” she says quickly. “She is not with him.”
“How do you know? How are you so sure?”
Grace offers a kind smile. “Because she’s staying with me. She’s been at my place. That’s one of the reasons I’ve tried calling you and came here today. I knew you needed to know so you wouldn’t wonder or worry.”
Paul is stunned and relieved all at the same time. His hope starts to emerge a bit. “Then can you get her to call me back? I just want to talk. She’s who I want to talk to . . . not someone . . . but Sarah.”
“Paul, I’ve already put myself in the middle more than I probably should have. I can’t. I want to support you both. But you need to give her time. Some space right now.”
Wiping the corners of his eyes and sniffing back emotion, Paul looks right at Grace. “How much time? This is so hard.”
“I get it but be patient. Don’t push h
er right now.”
“Patient . . . time . . . right,” he mutters. His mind flashes for a moment back to the words he read last night in Psalm 40.
Grace places her hands squarely on his shoulders like a good friend who also happens to be his sister-in-law and looks him in the eyes with, well, grace. “Paul, I’ve known you since I was eighteen. My sister marrying you was the best thing she ever did. We will always be family. That’s why I’m here. I don’t know why this happened. I hate that it did. Sarah messed up. But you . . . you have to talk to someone. You’re too isolated, far too deep into your own head. Okay?”
Paul nods solemnly but agreeably. “Yeah, all right. And thank you.”
Grace pats her hands on his shoulders. “You promise?”
“Yeah. Let me think about it. I really appreciate you coming by. I know this was hard for you, having to tell me and all. And thanks for letting me know Sarah is okay.”
Grace knows Paul well enough to know his stubbornness isn’t giving in yet. She was able to make a dent, but she hasn’t broken through his shell. “Okay. Hug?” She pulls him in for a brief, compassionate embrace, then turns to see herself out.
Paul stares out the window but sees nothing. He finally takes a deep breath, and as he exhales, picks up the piece of paper Gary left on the chair for him. Pulling his phone from his pocket, he opens to recent calls and hits the text bubble next to Matt’s number. He types out: “Hey man. Here’s the number of a counselor for you. They can see you tomorrow morning. But call to confirm right now. They can help. Let me know how it goes.” He types out the name and ten digits of the number, then hits send.
The telltale bubbled dots appear, and he waits until his screen pops up with, “Thanks. I’ll step outside and call now.” A thumbs-up emoji follows.
Paul starts to type again. “One more thing. I need a favor. Big favor. Doing an interview. Kinda weird. If I send you a facial pic, can you run it through your system for an ID? I really need this, please.”
He waits. Nothing. Finally, another thumbs-up emoji arrives. Paul goes to his pics, pulls up the smiling shot of God at the park and forwards it to Matt. He watches as the photo sends and shows delivered.
Paul puts his phone away to leave, realizing Gary is leaning on his office door jam, watching him. “Grace gone? . . . Sorry, that sounded weird. Let me re-phrase that. Did your sister-in-law leave?”
“Yeah, and I was just leaving too.”
Shifting into work mode, Gary walks to his desk. “Give me an update on your big story, your interview. What’s going on?”
Paul closes the office door.
Concern quickly shows on the boss’ face. “Okay, what’s wrong?”
Paul changes direction. “Gary, Sarah left me . . . yesterday. That’s why Grace was here.”
“Really?” Gary struggles to process the news. “Why didn’t you say something yesterday? Or call me?”
Appreciative of his concern, Paul continues, “It’s been bad since I got back. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. You’re a good friend. I should’ve told you.”
“Is this about Afghanistan? Because if it is, I’m going to feel like I had a hand in this.”
Paul shakes his head with the tears reappearing in his eyes. “I thought so. I thought it was, but now I’m realizing it’s a far bigger problem, an older problem that began before I left. I’m just trying to piece it together, figure it out.”
“Well, maybe now you’ll take that break we’ve been talking about. The one you haven’t taken since being 24/7 on the front lines for months.”
Paul nods. “Yeah, I might. Maybe that would be best.”
Gary is glad they’re finally on the same page. “So can you fix things with Sarah?”
Paul shakes his head in despair. “I don’t know. But maybe . . . I’ve been thinking maybe she’s really better off without me being in her life at all . . . like . . . at all.”
Gary knows that feeling all too well, what it takes to say something like that, and what damage it can do. “Don’t say that. Never think that. That’s a lie. Not true.”
Paul opens his mouth to speak but can’t. The feelings, the emotions are coming up and, like a horrible nausea, he can’t keep them down any longer. Distraught, he chokes up.
A loud knock on the door interrupts. Without even looking, Gary shouts, “Come back later, please!”
Then not missing a beat, he continues, “Listen, Paul, when Ann left me, I went a little crazy . . . as in crazy. I had thoughts I’d never had before. Terrible thoughts. Some of it was just, you know, hurt feelings, raw emotions, and all. But the worst thing for me was the crushing, overwhelming disappointment. Before, I had thought of all the bad directions my life might possibly go: bankruptcy, terminal illness, all the doomsday stuff we can worry about. But never, never, even in my darkest moments, did I ever imagine that my marriage might fail. Never. Maybe that sounds naive? No one is the exception to the rule. I know that. I mean they say half of all marriages end in divorce. And being a Christian these days doesn’t seem to change those odds much.”
Gary pauses to gather himself. This is not something he’s brought up in a long time. The memories are just too painful. “I mean, really. Why can’t separation and divorce happen to me? Because I have faith? Because I say that I believe in God, read the Bible, pray, and trust Jesus? Does that really make me special?”
Paul is tracking perfectly. He gets it. This is exactly why they’re friends and also work so well together. “Well, doesn’t it?” he finally says. “Shouldn’t it? Why not? What else is this faith good for?”
Gary smiles and jumps back in like a tag-team match. “Yes! That’s exactly it. And our faith was the thing that rescued us. Sure we had help and it took time, but God was there when we needed Him. You just need to get this right.” He holds his gaze. “I’m going to ask you, Paul, do you love Sarah?”
“You know I do,” he answers right away. “Yes!”
Gary is fired up now. “Then find your hope again and fix this. You can do it.”
Paul desperately wants to get back to that level of faith once again, but he just isn’t in the same place as Gary spiritually, especially right now. In fact, he’s never been so shaken. “What if time were a factor?” he asks, alluding to God’s news delivered to him earlier that day.
Gary recoils at Paul’s question. “What? I don’t like the sound of that. What do you mean?”
“Sorry, forget I even said that.” Paul regrets bringing it up. “It’s just this interview I’m in the middle of . . . it’s really getting to me.”
Now Gary is completely thrown off. “So that’s where you’ve been these past two mornings? That’s for real? The God thing?”
Paul looks caught. “Yes, it is.”
“And it’s really an interview?” Gary tries to process the concept in a new way now than he did yesterday.
Paul nods. “Yeah.”
“With God?” Gary is giving him an opportunity to back out or explain better.
“Yes . . . with God.”
Gary gives the classic my-mind-is-blown expression. “Whooooooaaaaaa.” Like a lead editor for a news organization checking his reporter’s source for validity, he asks, “Paul, has God spoken to you before?”
“Not like this. This is . . . very different.”
Gary starts with the possibilities, theorizing, “Because sometimes people come back from a war and, you know, things are different. Like with Matt. Still a bit unstable.”
“I appreciate your concern and your attempt to rationalize what I’m doing, but that’s not what this is. He knows things. Little details. Big picture. Trust me, as crazy as this sounds, He’s extremely convincing.” About now, any other friend would be calling 911, requesting a code 5150 psych hold.
Trusting Paul and also considering what he believes in his own faith, Gary asks the only possible question remaining. “Okay, then. When can I meet Him?”
Paul laughs, surprised. “That wasn’t the deal. Just me an
d Him at locations of His choice. He sets the time and place. No one else.”
“Hmm. That sounds really covert, don’t you think? Plus that’s going to make it very hard for readers to believe your source is reliable. I hope you’re being smart. And careful. Are you?”
“Yeah. In fact, just before you walked back in, I texted Matt to run His picture through the NSA database to check Him out.”
Gary shows surprise at Paul’s investigative skills. “Wow. He’ll actually do that for you?”
“He said he would. I should know something by tomorrow around the time I have my final interview.”
Gary seems satisfied with Paul’s due diligence. “Okay. Good. So when can I read your first draft of the interview? Gimme a date.”
Paul looks completely uncertain and raises his eyebrows.
Gary crosses his arms and looks a bit frustrated. “You’re thinking about not finishing it, aren’t you?”
“I don’t know,” Paul answers. “The direction toward the end today just got very weird. Really weird. I told Him I wanted to stop. I didn’t want to hear anymore.”
Gary reads his expression. “Did you feel threatened or something?”
Paul considers that idea, as if weighing the possibility for the first time. “No, nothing like that. Not like that at all. It’s . . . it’s hard to explain.”
“So you’ll do it?” Gary pushes like a great editor wanting the exclusive of a lifetime. “You’ll finish the interview? Write it?”
Paul has seen that level of exuberance before. “You already pitched the idea to the print edition, didn’t you? Told them what I was planning?”
Gary smiles wide and opens his arms as if to receive a hug. “And . . . they . . . looovvvvved it!”
All the breath sails out of Paul’s body and the blood rushes from his brain. “Come on, Gary! Look at me! I’m a mess. Just a few minutes ago, I was crying here in your office. My wife just left me. I’m having the NSA covertly run facial recognition on a guy who claims to be God. Not to mention I’m seeing and talking to the Almighty at scheduled appointments at random locations! It’s obvious I need to deal with some serious issues. Can you even trust me anymore?”
An Interview with God Page 8
