I bury my head in my hands to take a moment. I quietly grieve what could have been. What is. What wasn't. My fingers move to the tattoo on my shoulder. I begin to wonder if I'll ever be able to fill in that hole now.
It makes me wonder if Atlas ever feels like I felt when I got this tattoo. Like all the air is being let out of his heart.
I still don't understand why he lied to me after running into me at his restaurant. If he really felt the things I felt for him, why would he make something like that up?
"Why did you lie about having a girlfriend?"
He rubs a hand over his face and I can already see the regret before I even hear it in his voice. "I said that because . . . you looked happy that night. When I saw you telling him goodbye, it hurt like hell, but at the same time I was relieved that you seemed to be in a really good place. I didn't want you to worry about me. And I don't know . . . maybe I was a little jealous. I don't know, Lily. I regretted lying to you as soon as I did it."
My hand goes to my mouth. My mind starts to race just as fast as my heart is racing. I instantly start thinking about the what-ifs. What if he would have been honest with me? Told me how he'd felt? Where would we be now?
I want to ask him why he did it. Why he didn't fight for me. But I don't have to ask him, because I already know the answer. He thought he was giving me what I wanted, because all he's ever wanted for me was happiness. And for some stupid reason, he's never felt I could get that with him.
Considerate Atlas.
The more I think about it, the more difficult it becomes to breathe. I think about Atlas. Ryle. Tonight. Two nights ago. It's too much.
I stand up and make my way back to the guest bedroom. I pick up my phone and grab my purse and go back to the living room. Atlas hasn't moved.
"Ryle left for England today," I say. "I think I should probably go home now. Can you drive me?"
A sadness enters his eyes and when it does, I know that leaving is the right thing to do. Neither of us has closure. I'm not sure we'll ever get it. I'm beginning to think closure is a myth, and being here right now while I'm still processing everything that's happening to my life is just going to make things worse for me. I have to eliminate as much confusion as possible, and right now, my feelings for Atlas top the list of most confusing.
He presses his lips tightly together for a moment, and then he nods and grabs his keys.
*
Neither of us speaks the entire drive to my apartment. He doesn't drop me off. He pulls into the parking lot and gets out of his car. "I'd feel better if you let me walk you up," he says.
I nod and we wade through even more silence as we ride the elevator up to the seventh floor. He follows me all the way to my apartment. I fish around in my purse for the keys and don't even realize my hands are shaking until my third failed attempt to open the door. Atlas calmly takes the keys from me and I step aside as he opens the door for me.
"Do you want me to make sure no one's here?" he asks.
I nod. I know Ryle isn't here because he's on his way to England, but I'm honestly still a little scared to walk into the apartment by myself.
Atlas walks in before me and flips on the lights. He continues walking through the apartment, flipping on all the lights and walking into each of the rooms. When he makes it back to the living room, he slides his hands in his jacket pockets. He takes a deep breath and then says, "I don't know what happens next, Lily."
He does. He knows. He just doesn't want it to happen, because we both know how much it hurts to say goodbye to each other.
I look away from him because seeing the look on his face right now cuts straight to my heart. I fold my arms over my chest and stare at the floor. "I have a lot to work through, Atlas. A lot. And I'm scared I won't be able to do it with you in my life." I lift my eyes back to his. "I hope you don't take offense to that, because if anything, it's a compliment."
He regards me silently for a moment, not at all surprised by what I'm saying. But I can see there's so much he wants to say. There's a lot I wish I could say to him, too, but we both know discussing the two of us isn't appropriate at this point. I'm married. I'm pregnant with another man's baby. And he's standing in the living room of an apartment that another man bought for me. I'd say these aren't very good conditions in which to bring up all the things we should have said to each other a long time ago.
He looks at the door momentarily as if he's trying to decide to leave or speak. I can see the twitch in his jaw right before he locks eyes with me. "If you ever need me, I want you to call me," he says. "But only if it's an emergency. I'm not capable of being casual with you, Lily."
I'm taken aback by his words, but only momentarily. As much as I wasn't expecting him to admit it, he's absolutely right. Since the day we met, there has been nothing casual about our relationship. It's either all in or not in at all. That's why he separated ties when he left for the military. He knew that a casual friendship would never work between us. It would have been too painful.
Apparently, that hasn't changed.
"Goodbye, Atlas."
Saying those words again tears me up almost as much as the first time I had to say them. He winces and then turns and walks to the door like he can't leave fast enough. When the door closes behind him, I walk over and lock it, then press my head against it.
Two days ago I was asking myself how my life could possibly get any better. Today I'm asking myself how it could possibly get any worse.
I jump back with the sudden knock at the door. It's only been ten seconds since he walked out, so I know it's Atlas. I unlock it and open it and I'm suddenly pressed against something soft. Atlas's arms wrap tightly around me, desperately, and his lips are pressed against the side of my head.
I squeeze my eyes shut and finally let the tears fall. I've cried so many tears for Ryle over the past two days, I have no idea how I still have any left for Atlas. But I do, because they're falling down my cheeks like rain.
"Lily," he whispers, still holding me tightly. "I know this is the last thing you need to hear right now. But I have to say it because I've walked away from you too many times without saying what I really want to say."
He pulls back to look down at me and when he sees my tears, he brings his hands up to my cheeks. "In the future . . . if by some miracle you ever find yourself in the position to fall in love again . . . fall in love with me." He presses his lips against my forehead. "You're still my favorite person, Lily. Always will be."
He releases me and walks away, not even needing a response.
When I close the door again, I slide to the floor. My heart feels like it wants to give up. I don't blame it. It's suffered through two separate heartaches in the course of two days.
And I have a feeling it's going to be a long time before either of those heartaches can even begin to heal.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Allysa drops onto the couch beside me and Rylee. "I miss you so much, Lily," she says. "I'm thinking about coming back to work a day or two a week."
I laugh, a little shocked by her comment. "I live downstairs and I visit almost every day. How can you possibly miss me?"
She pouts as she pulls her legs up beneath her. "Fine, it's not you I miss. I miss work. And sometimes I just want out of this house."
It's been six weeks since she had Rylee, so I'm sure she would be cleared to come back to work. But I honestly didn't think she'd even want to come back now that she has Rylee. I bend forward and give Rylee a kiss on her nose. "Would you bring Rylee with you?"
Allysa shakes her head. "No, you keep me too busy for that. Marshall can watch her while I work."
"You mean you don't have people for that?"
Marshall is passing through the living room when he hears me say that. "Shush, Lily. Don't speak like a rich girl in front of my daughter. Blasphemy."
I laugh. That's why I come over here a few nights a week, because it's the only time I laugh. It's been six weeks since Ryle left for England, and no one k
nows what happened between us. Ryle hasn't told anyone, and neither have I. Everyone, my mother included, believes he simply left for the study at Cambridge and that nothing has changed between us.
I also still haven't told anyone about the pregnancy.
I've been to the doctor twice. It turns out I was already twelve weeks along the night I found out I was pregnant, which makes me eighteen weeks along now. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. I've been on the pill since I was eighteen. Apparently being forgetful a few times caught up with me.
I'm beginning to show, but it's cold out so it's been easy to hide. No one suspects a thing when you have on a baggy sweater and a jacket.
I know I need to tell someone soon, but I feel like Ryle should be the first one I tell, and I don't want to do that over a long-distance phone conversation. He'll be back in six weeks. If I can somehow keep things quiet until then, I'll decide where to go from there.
I look down at Rylee and she's smiling up at me. I make silly faces at her to make her smile more. There have been so many times I've wanted to tell Allysa about the pregnancy, but it makes it hard when the secret I'm keeping is being kept from her own brother. I don't want to put her in that kind of situation, no matter how much it kills me that I can't talk to her about it.
"How are you holding up without Ryle?" Allysa asks. "You ready for him to come home?"
I nod, but I don't say anything. I always try to brush off the subject when she brings him up.
Allysa leans back into the couch and says, "Is he still liking Cambridge?"
"Yes," I say, sticking my tongue out at Rylee. She grins. I wonder if my baby will look like her. I hope so. She's really cute, but I might be a little partial.
"Did he ever figure out the subway system there?" Allysa laughs. "I swear, every time I talk to him, he's lost. He can't figure out whether to take the A-line or the B-line."
"Yeah," I tell her. "He figured it out."
Allysa sits up on the couch. "Marshall!"
Marshall walks into the living room and Allysa pulls Rylee out of my hands. She hands her to Marshall and says, "Will you change her diaper?"
I don't know why she asks him that. I just changed her diaper.
Marshall scrunches up his nose and lifts Rylee out of Allysa's arms. "Are you a stinky girl?"
They're wearing matching onesies.
Allysa grabs my hands and yanks me off the couch so fast, I squeal.
"Where are we going?"
She doesn't answer me. She marches toward her bedroom and then slams the door once we're both inside. She paces back and forth a few times and then she stops and faces me.
"You better tell me what the hell is going on right now, Lily!"
I pull back in shock. What is she talking about?
My hands instantly go to my stomach, because I think maybe she's noticed, but she doesn't look at my stomach. She takes a step forward and pokes a finger in my chest. "There is no subway system in Cambridge, England, you idiot!"
"What?" I am so confused.
"I made that up!" she says. "Something hasn't been right with you for a long time. You're my best friend, Lily. And I know my brother. I talk to him every week, and he isn't the same. Something happened between you two, and I want to know what it is right now!"
Shit. I guess this is happening sooner rather than later.
I slowly bring my hands up to my mouth, not sure what to tell her. How much to tell her. I had no idea until this moment how much it's been killing me that I haven't been able to talk to her about this. I almost feel a little relieved that she reads me so well.
I walk to her bed and take a seat on it. "Allysa," I whisper. "Sit down."
I know this is going to hurt her almost as much as it hurt me. She walks over to her bed and sits down next to me, pulling my hands to hers.
"I don't even know where to start."
She squeezes my hands, but says nothing. For the next fifteen minutes, I tell her everything. I tell her about the fight. I tell her about Atlas picking me up. I tell her about the hospital. I tell her about the pregnancy.
I tell her about how, for the last six weeks, I cry myself to sleep every night because I have never felt so alone and so scared.
When I'm finished telling her everything, we're both crying. She hasn't responded to what I've told her with anything other than the occasional "Oh, Lily."
She doesn't have to respond, though. Ryle is her brother. I know she wants me to take his past into consideration just like the last time it happened. I know she'll want me to work things out with him because he's her brother. We're supposed to be one big, happy family. I know exactly what she's thinking.
She's quiet for a long time as she struggles through everything I've told her. She finally lifts her eyes to mine and squeezes my hands. "My brother loves you, Lily. He loves you so much. You have changed his entire life and have made him someone that I never thought he could be. As his sister, I wish more than anything that you could find a way to forgive him. But as your best friend, I have to tell you that if you take him back, I will never speak to you again."
It takes a moment for her words to register, but when they do, I start sobbing.
She starts sobbing.
She wraps her arms around me and we cry over the mutual love we have for Ryle. We cry over how much we hate him right now.
After several minutes of us sobbing pathetically on her bed, she releases me and walks over to her dresser to retrieve a box of tissues.
We're both wiping our eyes and sniffling when I say, "You're the best friend I've ever had."
She nods. "I know. And now I'm gonna be the best aunt." She wipes her nose and sniffles again, but she's smiling. "Lily. You're having a baby." She says it with excitement, and it's the first moment I've been able to share any sense of joy over my pregnancy. "I hate to say it, but I noticed you put on weight. I thought you were just depressed and eating a lot since Ryle left."
She walks to the back of her closet and starts pulling things out for me. "I have so many maternity clothes to give you."
We start going through clothes and she pulls down a suitcase and opens it. She begins to throw things toward the suitcase until it starts to overflow.
"I could never wear these," I tell her, holding up a shirt that still has the tag on it. "They're all designer. I'll get them dirty."
She laughs and shoves them into the suitcase anyway. "I won't need them back. If I get pregnant again, I'll just have my people buy me more." She pulls a shirt off a hanger and hands it to me. "Here, try this one on."
I take my shirt off and then pull the maternity shirt over my head. When I get it into place, I look in the mirror.
I look . . . pregnant. Like you-can't-hide-this-shit pregnant.
She puts a hand on my stomach and stares in the mirror with me. "Have you found out if it's a boy or a girl?"
I shake my head. "I don't really want to know."
"I hope it's a girl," she says. "Our daughters can be besties."
"Lily?"
We both spin around to find Marshall standing in the doorway. His eyes are on my stomach. On Allysa's hand still on my stomach. He tilts his head. He points at me.
"You . . ." he says, confused. "Lily, there's a . . . do you realize you're pregnant?"
Allysa calmly walks to the door and puts her hand on the doorknob. "There are some things you are never, ever to repeat if you want to keep me as your wife. This is one of those things. Understood?"
Marshall raises his eyebrows and takes a step back. "Yes. Okay. Got it. Lily is not pregnant." He kisses Allysa on the forehead and looks back at me. "I am not telling you congratulations, Lily. For absolutely nothing." Allysa shoves him all the way out the door and closes it, then turns back to me.
"We need to plan a baby shower," she says.
"No. I need to tell Ryle first."
She waves her hand dismissively. "We don't need him to plan a shower. We'll just keep it between the two of us until then."
/>
She pulls out her laptop, and for the first time since I found out I was pregnant, I feel happy about it.
Chapter Thirty
It's rather convenient only having to take an elevator to get home from Allysa's, as much as I want to move out of my own apartment at times. It's still strange living there. We only lived there a week before we split up and Ryle left for England. It never even had the chance to feel like home and now it feels a little tainted. I haven't even been able to sleep in our bedroom since that night, so I've been sleeping in the guest room on my old bed.
Allysa and Marshall are still the only ones who know about the pregnancy. It's only been two weeks since I told them, which makes me twenty weeks along now. I know I should tell my mother, but Ryle will be back in a few weeks. I feel like I should tell him first before anyone else finds out. If I can just somehow hide my baby bump from her until he gets back to the States.
I should probably just accept the fact that I'm more than likely going to have to call him and tell him long-distance. I haven't seen my mother face-to-face in two weeks. It's the longest we've gone without seeing each other since she moved to Boston, so if something doesn't happen soon she'll show up at my front door when I'm not prepared.
I swear my stomach has doubled in size these last two weeks alone. If someone sees me who knows me well, it'll be impossible to hide. So far, no one at the floral shop has asked about it. I think I'm still on the cusp of "Is she pregnant? Or just chubby?"
I start to unlock the door to my apartment, but it begins to open from the other side. Before I can pull the jacket over to hide my stomach from whoever is on the other side of the door, Ryle's eyes land on me. I'm wearing one of the shirts Allysa gave me and it's kind of impossible to hide the fact that I'm wearing a maternity shirt when he's staring right at it.
Ryle.
Ryle is here.
My heart begins to smash against the walls of my chest. My neck begins to itch, so I bring my hand up and rest it there, feeling the pounding of my heart against my palm.
It's pounding because I'm terrified of him.
It's pounding because I hate him.
It's pounding because I've missed him.
His eyes slowly crawl from my stomach to my face. A hurtful expression takes over him, like I've just stabbed him straight through the heart. He takes a step back into my apartment and his hands come up to his mouth.
It Ends With Us Page 25
