by Erin Trejo
“Everything just feels so stressful. I wanted to get a job, but Eric told me no. I wanted to go back to school, but that was a no too. It’s like he wants a fucking housewife and that’s all I can be,” I tell him. Damn this weed has me spilling everything. I’m way too open right now.
“What’s wrong with bein’ a housewife?”
“It’s just not me. At least I don’t think it is. Not with him at least. I don’t really know anymore.”
That’s the part that hurts the most. I’ve been with Eric for four years. He’s grown up in ways, but in others he hasn’t. He’s changed over the years too. He’s not the loving guy he was when I first met him. Don’t get me wrong he can be, but when he uses it’s all just a mess.
“What do you wanna go to school for?” Viking asks taking the joint from my fingers. I watch as he brings it to his lips. Damn those lips. I don’t realize I’m staring until he chuckles.
“Art. I want to teach art to kids.” The words slowly fall from my lips.
“That sounds like a good plan. Why let him stop you? What’s holdin’ you back?”
“He is. I’ve been with Eric for years. I thought he was what I wanted.”
“You don’t know now?” he asks as if he can read my mind. I shake my head and grab another shot. I swallow it down.
“I don’t know anything anymore Viking. I’m tired of not being good enough, not skinny enough, or pretty enough.”
A sob catches in my throat. Viking shoves himself up the bed to sit at the headboard. His eyes burn into me even though I can’t fully see him.
“Turn around Carnie.”
Slowly I slip back further on the bed and turn around to face him. Those ocean blue eyes now hold tidal waves of emotions. “These the things he tells you?” I nod.
“Have you looked at yourself?”
I shake my head no and his eyes darken. He climbs off the bed and grabs my arm to yank me roughly up with him. He jerks me around in front of him and his hands stay planted on my shoulders. We look at each other’s reflection in the mirror.
“I see a beautiful woman. I see someone that’s smart enough to know what she needs to do. I get you’re scared. I understand not havin’ him is hard for you, but look at yourself Carnie. You’re not livin’ your life darlin’. You’re livin’ for him. That’s no way to live. Every day that you let him drag you down is another day that you lose what you could be. Look at you,” he says softly as tears stream down my cheeks.
I can’t do it. I can’t look, but when I don’t Viking reaches up and jerks my face roughly so that I don’t have any choice but to look.
“See who you are. You’re fuckin’ sexy as hell Carnie. Ugly? There isn’t a fuckin’ thing about you that I find ugly. Honestly? I think you could stand to gain a few more pounds and be sexy as fuck. Stop lettin’ some fuck tell you what you are. Find it yourself.”
With that his hand falls and he steps back leaving me to look at myself in the mirror. I know I need to make some changes in my life, but it’s so hard. When I turn Viking’s still standing there.
He’s watching me with heavy eyes.
“Viking?”
“Yeah darlin’?”
“Do you really think I’m pretty?”
The softness and doubt in my tone pisses me off. This weed in my system is making me feel weaker than I already am. The look in his eyes stirs something deep inside of me.
“I think you’re fuckin’ gorgeous,” he grumbles and steps up into my space. His hand comes to my chin and he lifts it so that I’m looking up at him. “If you were any other girl I’d fuck you so hard right now.” My breath catches in my throat. If I was any other girl?
“Why any other girl?”
“You’re Fin’s sister. You’re young. I’m not the kind of man that you need. There are so many reasons.”
His words are like a fist to the stomach. It nearly knocks the wind out of me. I start to step back as more tears start filling my eyes when I hear him growl, “Fuck.” His lips crash into mine. As rough a man as he is, his lips are so damn soft. Tasting him on my tongue I feel my knees weaken. I press my body closer to his needing to feel his warmth. I want him inside of me. I want him owning me. My head is a mess and I’m probably not thinking clearly, but fuck it.
Viking pulls back and lets his head rest against mine, “Fuck. I knew those lips were gonna be sweet, but goddamn Carn.” His admission makes me smile. No one has ever said anything like that to me before. Not even Eric was this sweet.
“I should go,” I whisper.
He nods his head, but doesn’t release my face which is still cupped in his hands.
“I need another taste first,” he mumbles before moving back in.
His lips move slower this time as if he’s trying to savor the taste of me. I let him. Slowly his lips leave mine and move down my jaw and against my neck. A moan escapes my lips as I tilt my head to give him better access. The feel of his tongue against my skin is igniting a flame inside of me.
“We should stop.” His voice betrays his words. His actions are even worse. His lips are still trailing a line over my neck.
“Viking?”
His name is a whisper from my lips as I let my arms come up to wrap around his neck. My nails scrape along the nape of his neck before I tangle them in his long, silken hair. I tug it softly. I’m rewarded with a groan. I can feel his hard on pressing against me.
“Fuck this is a bad idea Carnie. I can’t do this.”
He holds my face in his hands and pulls his lips from my skin. He stares into my eyes and I can see pure lust painting his features. His eyes are hooded and dark. There’s no doubt they match mine.
“I’m sorry. I… I’ll go.”
I try to push away from him as fresh tears start falling down my cheeks. The idea that he’s rejecting me hits me hard. I know it shouldn’t bother me, but it does.
“Stay.”
That one word that comes from his mouth startles me. I shake my head. He just said that he couldn’t.
“Sleep. That’s all we’re doin’.”
Chapter 5
VIKING
I don’t know how long I laid awake with a raging hard on before I was finally able to fall asleep. I swear I thought my dick would explode at any second just from having her small frame wrapped up in my arms. I couldn’t breathe with her near me. The smell of her hair, her skin, and the alcohol on her breath. Fuck she had me in knots just like she does right now. Her long, dark hair is spread out over my naked chest covering all of my tattoos. Her soft breaths tickle my skin with every exhale. The more she breathes, the harder I get.
I roll my head to the side and check the clock. I know I need to wake her up and get her out of my room before the guys start showing up, but she feels too good pressed against me. Slowly I roll her off me and onto her back. I nuzzle my face into her neck and inhale that heavenly scent of hers. I start pressing kisses along her neck and stop at her throat as she starts to stir. I pull back and watch as those pretty brown eyes of hers open up and lock onto me.
“Mornin’,” I tell her softly.
Her eyes are huge which makes me wonder how fucked up she really was last night. I can’t suppress the chuckle that rips out of me before I move to climb off of the bed.
“Don’t look so fuckin’ shocked. We didn’t do shit Carnie.”
Why does that piss me off? Why would her thinking we did bother me? Oh wait, I know. It was the look of fucking regret that was plastered all over her face. If I had actually fucked her she would have regretted it all. Glad I saw that fucking look before we actually did do something. Now I know to keep my hands to myself with this one.
“I’m sorry. It’s all kind of hazy,” she says.
I grab my jeans and pull them on quickly before my t-shit follows suit. I slip my cut up my arms and onto my shoulders. I grab my boots and drop into the chair. As I tug them on I tell her, “You might wanna run to your room before the guys come in. Don’t want them thinkin’ anyt
hing.” With my boots now on I stand back up and stretch my back out. Carnie watches me, but doesn’t make any attempt to move. “You hear me?”
“You’re kicking me out of your room?” she asks playfully.
“Pretty much yeah.”
I watch as her smile slowly fades. She throws the sheet back and climbs out of the bed quickly. I take in her body as she storms through the room and grabs her shoes. It’s kind of cute watching her all flustered.
“I can’t believe I actually talked to you and now you’re throwing me out,” she yells as she puts her shoes on.
“Well believe it.”
I grab the cigarettes off of the nightstand and light one up.
Her eyes are on fire when I catch her looking at me.
“I poured my fucking guts out to you, and this is what I get?”
Fuck me. This is why getting involved with younger bitches doesn’t work for me.
“What did you expect? A goddamn tiara? You want some sort of prize? I ain’t got shit to give you Carnie. I listened didn’t I?” I snap at her.
Her mouth snaps open and then she snaps it closed. “I am such a fuck up. Why can I never learn to see when a man is full of shit?” She watches me a second longer, but when I don’t answer her she spins on her heel and walks out of my room. She slams the door behind her. I shake my head once more.
“Way to go fucker,” I mumble to myself.
I grab my cellphone off my dresser, stuff it in my pocket, and head into the main room. Tink is sitting by the bar with her long hair in a braid down her back. Walking up behind her I grab it and pull her head back. She smiles up at me before I kiss her. I’m so goddamn frustrated with myself and I need to take it out on someone. Moving to her neck, I start sucking the skin into my mouth, and marking her for the day.
“Good morning to you too,” she coos.
“You sleep good?” I ask her.
“Yeah. I looked for you last night, but Mason said you headed in early.”
“Yeah I slept alright. Get me some breakfast yeah?”
“Of course.”
Tink stands from the stool after I let her hair go, but before she walks away she spins around and plants her lips on mine. I could kiss Tink for the next hundred years, but there is nothing like tasting Carnie’s lips. Hers were different, and when I hear the gasp next to us I know I’ve fucked up. Tink pulls away smiling over at Carnie. “Morning.” I know she’s being a bitch, and I want to stop her, but I can’t.
“Morning Tink. You need any help in there?” Carnie regains her composure and nods toward the kitchen.
“No. Viking’s the only one up. I got him,” she sneers.
I don’t miss the undertone in her voice either. I almost want to call her out on it, but I don’t. Instead I stand there like a bastard and just watch Carnie. The look of defeat that crosses her face as she storms toward the door pulls at something in me.
“You forgot your box,” I call out to her.
When she turns to me I see tears in her eyes.
“Give it to one of your girls. Keep it. I don’t care. I don’t want it anymore.”
The words leave her mouth quickly before she slips out of the door. A part of me wants to go after her, while the other part of me wants to wave goodbye to her ass and pray she doesn’t come back. That’s just one complication that I don’t need around here. I lean against the bar when Tink comes back out of the kitchen with a plate full of food. She sets it in front of me and makes sure I get an eyeful of her tits that are barely in her shirt.
“Which breakfast do you want?” she teases.
Goddamn it. My cock is so fucking hard I need something to drain it.
“Turn around. Lean on the table,” I tell her gruffly.
Tink turns quickly just as I knew she would. She’s always a little too eager to get my cock inside of her. Reaching into my pocket I pull out a condom and tear it open. I slip it on, lift up her skirt, and shove into her. I’m not even surprised that she’s not wearing any panties. She’s always ready.
Tink moans and groans with each rough thrust. I reach up and wrap my hand around her hair and yank roughly. The harder I fuck her the better I feel. It isn’t really her pussy that I want to be inside of, but she was the better choice. Carnie is off limits to me. I know this, but after having her in my arms and tasting her sweet lips, I need to remind my cock of that.
“Harder Viking,” Tink cries.
I give in and fuck her harder, getting even deeper. I close my eyes with each thrust and there she is. The forbidden fruit I’m not allowed to touch. Those brown eyes burning through my body. I come roughly inside of Tink. I pull out and shove her away. I yank the condom off and toss it at her, “Clean it up.”
She doesn’t question me, but I can see the pissed off gleam in her eyes. I yank my jeans back up, turn, and run my hand through my hair. It’s then that I lock eyes with the girl that is fucking with my head. I thought she left? Nope, there she is. She’s standing there, looking in the window, with tears streaming down her cheeks.
I’ve never felt like such an asshole in my entire life as I do right now. I lower my head, but when I look back up she’s already gone.
Chapter 6
CARNIE
Sometimes I wonder how I can be so damn dumb. How I can read so much into nothing. I should have known that
Viking didn’t really want anything to do with me. He’s just after a quick fuck like Tink is, but why didn’t he take it last night? He could have. I shake my head and let all these thoughts ride as I walk into my apartment.
“Where the hell have you been?” Eric’s voice thunders through the room. I rub my eyes as I yawn and walk over to the couch and drop down.
“Stayed with Fin. He needed help with his girlfriend,” I lie easily.
Eric looks at me trying to read if I’m lying to him, and I honestly don’t care if he knows. “Come here,” he says sweetly, his voice calming. I inch over and wonder if I have just been being a bitch to him? Maybe Eric isn’t that bad after all? I lay my head on his shoulder when he asks, “He doing okay?” His hand runs up and down my arm which makes me shiver.
“He is. She’s not.”
“You know we have a deal coming up with them soon.” I glance up at him and shake my head.
“What do you mean?”
“Gun deal. Me and my boys are buying into their trade,” he says as if it’s no big deal.
“Why would you do that? You don’t mess with guns Eric.”
I know questioning him isn’t a good idea. I see the flash in his eyes. I see the way they darken. His hand tightens on my arm.
“You don’t know what the fuck I mess in Carnie. You just think you do.”
I hate seeing him like this. This is how he acts when he’s high out of his mind. Although right now he doesn’t look like he’s been using anything.
“Get these clothes off. I need to fuck you,” he snaps pulling away from me to take his own clothes off.
“I’m tired.”
That was a mistake. I should have never said that. The back of his hand collides with my cheek. Shock and pain register within me.
“How dare you?” I scream as tears fall down my cheeks.
“You need to learn a lesson. You should obey your man. Now get your fucking clothes off you fat pig,” he roars.
His words ring in my head, but I do what he says. I’ve never known Eric to get violent. Words? Yeah, I’m used to those.
“Fuck. If you weren’t so fat you’d be sexy as hell,” he mumbles when I stand in front of him completely naked. I move my hands to block my body from his view. He stands up from the couch.
“Move them. If you’re ashamed of your body you should lose some weight.”
Tears prickle my eyes and are ready to fall any second now. I may not be the skinniest girl out there, but I don’t think I’m fat either. I was always happy with my body regardless of if I fit the mold of others, but lately I’ve been feeling worse and worse about the way
I look thanks to Eric. His hands land on my hips and he tugs me toward him.
“Why aren’t you looking at me?”
His voice is low and full of need. I glance up into his eyes. His smile could melt hearts if he wasn’t so into himself. He melted mine once, but it’s since hardened.
“There you are.”
“Eric.”
He shakes his head not wanting to say anything else. He leans in and kisses me and unlike what I felt with Viking I feel absolutely nothing with him. Viking’s kiss was like an explosion. It was rough and brutal, but Eric’s is everything his wasn’t. It’s soft and gentle that never changes. He pulls me against him and turns us so that he can lay me on the couch. He keeps kissing me as he knees my legs apart then settles between them.
“I love how you smell,” he whispers pressing kisses to my neck.
I try to enjoy the feeling, try to remember what it was I liked before he started using, but it doesn’t work. It all feels like I’m just an absent player in this situation. I’m just a body for him to use. As he slides into me I close my eyes. Maybe that’s all I’m meant to be? Something he can use at his will and treat like garbage? With each thrust I pinch my eyes closed tighter. Images of Viking smirking at me assault my mind. He was so different this morning than he was last night. It was almost like he hated the thought of me being near him. Maybe I should stay away from the clubhouse for a while? Just as the thought comes to my mind my phone rings in my shorts on the floor. Eric grunts which pulls me back to reality. He pulls out of me and nods to the phone.
“I was finished anyway.”
Of course he was. I roll off of the couch, grab my clothes, and pull my phone out as I do so. Heading toward the bathroom I answer it.
“Hey sis. You okay? You were gone before I got in today,” Fin asks. I sigh and close the bathroom door behind me.
“Yeah. I just couldn’t sleep, so I came home. Thanks for letting me stay.”
“Viking said to tell you that you can stay anytime you want.
