by Nikki Ash
A girl. I’m having a girl. I wonder if she’ll have my naturally wavy brown hair or Marco’s… No! I am not going there. I am not going to think about whether she will have my olive complexion or take after her father’s beautiful caramel skin, or if she’ll have his onyx eyes or my light brown ones. There’s no point. This is the way it needs to be even if I wish things could have been different. The thought makes my heart hurt, and I feel a small tear escape, but I wipe it away quickly.
“You okay?” Tristan asks.
“Yeah, thank you for being here.”
“There’s nowhere else I would rather be.” He takes my hand and brings it up to his lips, softly giving it a kiss. And I feel like the worst person for wishing for things I shouldn’t be wishing for.
Chapter Fourteen
Marco
I’m sitting on the back patio of my new condo overlooking the water. My head is pounding because Sara is running late. After I made the decision to walk away from Caleb, I stayed with Ivan for a couple weeks. When Caleb returned, trying once again to get me to go to rehab, and I made it clear he has no say in my life, he practically disowned me and told Mathias about me doing drugs.
Mathias, of course, sided with Hayley and Caleb and kicked me out, saying once I’m ready to get help I am more than welcome to move back in. So, I moved into a new condo complex. I met Sara and quickly learned she’s into the same recreational activities as I am.
Janell was getting too fucking clingy, so I cut her loose once I found out Sara could score for me. She’s running late from work and I just did my last bump a few hours ago so I’m coming down hard. If she doesn’t get here soon, I’m going to have to call my dealer. I can’t stand dealing with him, especially since he thought he recognized me once. The last thing I need is it getting out who I am.
There’s a knock at my door and I jump up to answer it. Usually Sara just comes in, but maybe she forgot her key.
I swing it open and come face to face with… not Sara. “Can I help you?”
“Actually, I can help you.”
“Aren’t you Tristan’s girlfriend... or I guess ex-girlfriend?”
“Yes, Gina. Are you going to invite me in?” I look out the door to see if anybody else is here, not having any clue why the hell she’s here.
“Umm... yeah, sure.” I let her in and she goes right to the couch to sit down. “You don’t by any chance have any powder on you, do you?” She glares are me. “Okay, I take that as a no. Pills?”
“No! My God, you need to get your shit together.”
“Oh fuck, did Tristan send you here? Didn’t he cheat on you?”
“He didn’t send me here, and that’s actually why I’m here. Tristan didn’t cheat on me.”
“Umm… sweetheart, the baby in Bella’s belly says otherwise. Look, if you don’t have any powder or pills, you’re no use to me, so...” I stand to open the door for her in case she doesn’t get the hint.
“Actually, that’s where you’re wrong. I am of use to you because I know something you might want to know.”
“Doubt it.”
“How about the fact that Bella is pregnant…”
“I already know that.”
“…with your child. Not Tristan’s.”
“And you’re fucking delusional. Get out.”
The door opens and Sara comes in. “Thank God!” I grab the baggies from her hand and ignore Gina still standing in the room, going straight to the table to line up the powder.
“I’m not delusional. I even have proof.”
Using my razor, I make a straight line and lean forward.
“Look.” She sticks her phone out in the way of my bump.
“Move,” I growl.
“No, look.” She shoves the phone in my face. At first, I’m not sure what I’m looking at. It looks like a picture of a handwritten letter. I scroll down, but there’s no name. The letter is unfinished.
“What’s this?” I ask.
“Read it.”
My sweet baby girl,
I’m 24 weeks pregnant today and read in my baby book that moms sometimes write notes to their unborn babies. When I thought about writing to you, the first thing that came to mind was telling you the truth. I don’t want to begin our mother/daughter relationship with lies, even though we will be, but this letter is in case something happens to me. If you’re reading this, it means you know your dad isn’t your biological father and you’ve asked for answers.
First, I want to tell you that I love you more than life itself. You aren’t even here yet but my heart beats for you. I hope if I’m no longer with you for whatever reason you know how deep my love runs for you. Every choice I’ve made was made out of love for you. I can’t tell you if I made the right decision, but I will tell you I made what I felt was the best decision at the time.
With that said, the man who you share DNA with is Marco Michaels. He is Caleb and Hayley’s son. He doesn’t know you are his and he never denied you. You also need to know that your dad (Tristan) loves you already, but he doesn’t know who your real father is either. I chose to keep it a secret because your biological father wasn’t in a good place, even though I promise you, you were made from love.
If you’re reading this, something’s happened to me, and it will be up to you if you choose to seek him out. I hope and pray he is in a better place, but if he’s not, just know that at one time, Marco was my best friend. He was
I reread the unfinished letter three more times. How the fuck is this even possible? How am I that baby’s father? It doesn’t make sense.
“How is this possible?”
“Well, according to Tristan, the night we came here for the party, he and Bella ended up hooking up, but since I know that isn’t true, I’m thinking you and Bella hooked up that night. And I take it, you don’t remember that night…”
The party? Fuck, there’s been so many parties. How could I have had sex with Bella and not remembered?
“It was like six months ago at your old place. We went over there to break up the party. Bella went into your room with you, and when she came out, she said you were sleeping.”
The party.
My bedroom.
The grey hoodie.
Fuck!
The grey hoodie said Cooper’s Fight Club, I knew I recognized it. It was Bella’s.
If this letter is true, if I’m the father of her kid…
Oh, my God! The shit I said to her.
I told her to have an abortion.
Fuck!
I click on the photo and text it to my phone. “Here, you can go.”
“That’s it? Aren’t you going to go to her? She’s carrying your child. Tristan was supposed to be mine and that bitch fucked it all up,” Gina snaps. “You need to claim that baby.”
“Watch your fucking mouth and get out.” I look at Sara. “Both of you.” Sara puts her hands up, and both girls leave, Gina continuing to call Bella every name in the book.
I grab my phone and dial the only person in the world who can help me right now.
“Marco? Son?”
“Dad, I need you.”
He sighs into the phone. “Marco…”
“I need to go to rehab. I need help. Please.”
“I’m on my way. I love you, Son.”
I sit in my living room for what feels like hours, staring at the image of the letter supposedly written by Bella. I want to call her and ask her if she really wrote it, but deep down in my gut, I know she did. I think back to the look on her face when she showed up here to tell me she was pregnant. She was so scared and vulnerable, and instead of lashing out, she tried to get me help. I don’t even deserve this woman.
Then I think about when I showed up at her place and Tristan said the baby was his. I yelled and screamed at her. I called her names and told her she was dead to me. Maybe I should just pretend I didn’t see the letter. Maybe she and our baby are better off with Tristan.
There’s a knock on my door and I know it
’s my dad. I open the door and he comes in and, without saying a word, wraps me up in a hug.
I lose it. I cry until I’m sobbing. But my dad doesn’t say anything. He just lets me lose it. Once the tears stop, he says, “I need to know what caused all this, Marco. I need to make sure you get the right help.” We have a seat on the couch and I take a deep breath, trying to figure out how to answer that question.
Where do I even start?
“I’m in pain. My back wasn’t healing and the pain became too much. I was grieving for Logan and not able to fight, and I lost it. Pills turned to coke and it just all spiraled out of control. I need the drugs, Dad.” I look him dead in the eyes. “I need them. I can feel it in me. I am craving them right now.”
I stare at my shaky hands and wonder what will happen once the need is too much. Right now, I’m okay, but what will happen when I need the pills and powder in my blood stream? Will I give up and choose the drugs over my baby?
“What if I can’t do it? What if I can’t get clean? My mom… my biological mom…”
My dad jumps out of his seat, bridging the gap between us. “Don’t you fucking finish that goddamn sentence. Don’t you dare blame her, and don’t you dare believe you can’t get better because of her. You are my son. Mine and Hayley’s. I don’t give a fuck whose blood runs through your veins.”
I nod in understanding, choosing not to voice my doubts.
“Let’s get you to the facility. I’ve already called ahead and let them know you’re coming in. What you need to understand is that you’re an adult. This is one hundred percent voluntary. If you choose to leave, I can’t stop you.”
“Thank you. I’m not coming out of there until I’m clean.”
“I’m going to tell your mom about your pain. She’ll know who to contact. We’ll get your back fixed. I promise.”
We both stand and head to the door. I give him my keys and cell phone, knowing I won’t be able to bring them with me. The drive to the rehab facility is about an hour away, and of course it looks like an expensive resort. This is California after all.
My dad stays by my side through the entire check-in process. He doesn’t once leave me until the doctor tells him this is where we have to part ways. He envelops me in a hug, his words coming out gritty. “I love you, Marco. You are going to get through this. We’ll come and visit as soon as we’re allowed.”
“There’s something you need to know,” I whisper. “I think I’m the father of Bella’s baby.” I feel his body stiffen, but he doesn’t say anything, only nods then looks me straight in the eyes.
“You get better for you and only you. You understand me?”
I agree, giving him one last hug before following the doctor into the facility where I’ll be spending the next ninety days.
Chapter Fifteen
Bella
“Surprise!”
After a relaxing morning of reading and writing down my birthing plan at the local coffee shop near campus, I walk into my apartment to find every woman I know standing in my living room. After nearly having a heart attack, I take in the room. There are presents, food, and a huge cake on the table, the entire place looking like it threw up an entire bottle of Pepto Bismol. Pink streamers, pink ribbons, pink balloons. Yuck!
But then I see my mom and I smile, knowing she’s the reason for all this. So, in the grand scheme of things, pink isn’t so bad. I run up to her and wrap my arms around her neck. Some girls can’t stand their moms. That’s not the case for me. My mom is my best friend in the entire world. Maybe it’s because she had me at eighteen so she was a young mother, but we have always had an amazing relationship.
This was the first Christmas Tristan and I didn’t get to spend the holidays with everyone in Breckenridge. With me so close to my due date, the doctor said it would be best if I didn’t fly. So, our families spent Christmas together, and Tristan and I spent it here in San Diego. We got a small tree and exchanged gifts, but it wasn’t the same. I missed my family so much, so getting to see my mom is the best surprise of all.
“Thank you for doing this. But more importantly, thank you for being here.”
“You aren’t getting rid of me. You only have a couple weeks, so I’ll be staying here until this precious little one comes. I’m not chancing being over four hours away when you go into labor.”
“Where are you staying? I mean, you can stay here, but with us only having two bedrooms and my room being cramped with the baby’s stuff, you’ll be stuck on the couch.”
“Don’t you worry. Your father found a good deal on a hotel downtown so I’ll be staying there. I can’t deal with trying to get on a plane when my daughter goes into labor. Your dad and siblings will fly out once we let them know.”
“Oh, Mom, thank you.” I give her another hug.
“What I want to know is, and we can talk about this later, why aren’t you and Tristan sharing a room if you are together?” Her one eyebrow goes up and I feel sick. The only lie I have ever told my mom was about the father of my baby and it doesn’t surprise me she knows something is up.
“Mom…”
“Not now, let’s enjoy this baby shower. We have plenty of time to talk later.”
I see some of my friends from school smiling and laughing, so I agree and walk over to my friends. “Happy Baby Shower,” Lauren says. I met her in our freshman math class and we quickly became friends. She introduced me to Stephanie, Kristen, and Michelle, who are all in the same sorority as her.
At first, I thought they would be stuck up and full of themselves when I heard they were all in a sorority, but I quickly learned there is a stigma about sororities that just might be wrongfully placed. These women are sweet and smart and have become friends I can lean on.
“Thanks for coming,” I tell the four of them, then continue to work my way around the room. Ashley, Tristan’s mom, is here, along with Tristan’s sisters. My sister, Lilly, is here. I spot Hayley, Marco’s mom, with Marco’s sister, Mackenzie, and then I spot my aunt Kayla, who is here with her daughters, Faith and Chloe.
While Kayla and Bentley are Chloe’s parents in every way that matters, biologically Chloe is Marco’s sister. They shared a mom, one who overdosed on drugs when Chloe was only a baby. Hayley and Caleb adopted Marco, and Kayla and Bentley adopted Chloe. I hate that Chloe will never know this baby is her niece. I know she’s happy, but I’ve heard her mention on several occasions she wishes she had more biological family like Marco has with Mathias. I make a mental note to make her feel like an aunt, even if she won’t know they are blood.
When I get to Hayley, I give her a hug and I can’t help but ask, “How’s Marco?” I know she knows I’m the one who called Caleb, I just wish it would have made a difference.
“He’s okay,” she says. I want to ask her to elaborate but feel like now isn’t the right time. The last I heard Marco was on a downward spiral and Caleb and Hayley had cut him off completely after he refused to get help. Ever since Marco came over yelling and telling me I’m dead to him, I didn’t have it in me to ask for updates.
The day goes by quickly. Food is eaten, the cake is delicious, and the amount of stuff people bought the baby is ridiculous. I think my mom covered my entire baby registry herself.
As the party winds down, I say bye to my friends and the only people left are my mom and her friends.
“Have you thought about any names yet?” my aunt Kayla asks. I’ve thought about names, a lot actually, but I don’t want to tell anyone what I’m thinking. I’m afraid it will give away who the father is. I know that sounds stupid, but because it makes me think of the dad, I’m afraid someone else will put the pieces together.
“A little. I’m waiting until she’s born to decide for sure.”
The front door opens, and in walks Tristan and Mason. Mason flew over the day after Christmas and has been hanging out. He mentioned he’s thinking about moving out here, something about wanting a change of pace.
“Hell yes, just in time to eat all t
he leftover food,” Mason says, his hands rubbing together like he’s preparing for a feast, as he walks straight for the food table.
Tristan sits next to me, placing a kiss on my cheek. “Did you not tell them you hate pink?” he whispers.
I laugh and shake my head. “No, I didn’t have the heart to.”
“How was the shower?” Tristan asks loud enough for everyone to participate in the conversation.
“It was good. You should see all the cute clothes and toys everyone bought.” I turn to everyone sitting with us. “Thank you. This shower means a lot to me.”
“Of course, sweetie.” My mom leans over and gives me another hug.
“I’m going to head out. Caleb flew in with us and we have to… meet with someone.” She gives Mackenzie a hug and kiss. “Be good for Aunt Kayla and I’ll see you back at home.”
She walks over to me and gives me a hug, “Congratulations, Bella.”
One by one everyone leaves. My mom said she needs to check-in to the hotel and Ashley and Kayla are flying back in the morning because school starts back up in a few days. Mason leaves last, saying he’s meeting some females for dinner. I tell Tristan he can go but he just gives me a look telling me to shut up.
“Bella, there’s a lot of shit in that room. I know you don’t want to share a room with me but maybe we need to consider getting a three-bedroom place.” Tristan and I have circled around whether to be a couple for the last few months. When he mentioned us sharing a room so we could make the second room a nursery, I gave in. We spent one night in the room together and I told him I couldn’t do this.
I know he was disappointed, and I hate that I’m tying him down with a baby and the poor guy isn’t even getting laid. He’s a twenty-one-year-old man who should be out dating and having fun, not tied down to a woman and some other man’s baby. I just don’t know what to do. I’ve considered moving out and doing this on my own, but every time I mention it, Tristan tells me I’m being ridiculous.
