by Karen Sunde
fading) All right.
Tomas: All right. (Pause) Why shouldn't you see me?
Lili: You can't help me.
Tomas: (Beat) Why did you come here?
Lili: When I was little, I always came down this aisle. Around that little niche, there's St. Joan.
Tomas: Yes. I know.
Lili: I'd light my candle for Joan. I wanted to be her. Maybe even thought I was. But I know...when I prayed, she talked to me.
Tomas: (Gentle warmth. He has the key now, and will delicately turn it) And you felt strong.
Lili: Yes.
Tomas: And happy.
Lili: Yes.
Tomas: You were in pure, warm light. With Joan, you were a hero.
Lili: (Whispered) Yes.
Tomas: I love her too. (Pause) It must be sweet to find her again.
(Tomas has found and released Lili's soul. She weeps, clinging to the barrier between them)
Tomas: (Pause) What happened? Did you stop...speaking to Joan?
(Lili gasps, seeing a traumatic scene from her past that she doesn't understand)
Lili: (Choked) Oh...
Tomas: (Pause) You stopped coming to church?
Lili: (Trying to verbalize what she's seeing) I could see her white legs...
Tomas: What?
Lili: ...against the red carpet.
Tomas: (Pause) Whose legs?
Lili: (Coming back to herself) It's not your business! You're just wasting...
Tomas: Remembering love isn't a waste as long as...
Lili: (Frightened, dizzy) Are you taking my confession or are you jerking off in there?
(Tomas is stopped. Lili barges on; her struggle against the effect of the pills reads like reckless drunkenness)
Lili: Either do your job, or throw me out, I don't give a fuck.
(Tomas hesitates, thrown by her hostility, listening for a clue to her real problem)
Lili: But I know how to keep your attention. I'm an entertainer. Yo, hot stuff. You still there?
Tomas: (Quiet) Yes. You're angry.
Lili: I don't need all these clothes on to do my act. So if I just...slip out of them...
Tomas: Miss...
Lili: Lili, name's Lili.
Tomas: Miss Lili...
Lili: Ooo, listening now, aren't you? Well, I'm just putting my hand up under...my skirt. And now I can just barely reach...my panties.
Tomas: Lili, what are you so afraid of? Please tell me.
Lili: (Rising intensity) Isn't this what you like? Oooo, don't stop me now! (Suddenly breaks, crying out in despair) I've killed, Father!
Tomas: (Sharp intake, which he controls, then- ) You've killed.
Lili: I'm taking a life! Forgive me, Father, forgive me, forgive me... (Weeps)
Tomas: (Shocked, trembling) Of course.
Lili: You don't believe me. I've done it!
Tomas: I believe...
Lili: You do?
Tomas: ...you're extremely distressed.
Lili: (Gasping, becoming vicious) I'm "distressed." On the money! How many times you think I've done it, Father? You want to know places, numbers, what "position" I did it in? Well...there were three I strangled, three men, and the fourth, I hacked to slivers with a fingernail file. Messy...but he put his hand on my leg. What could I do?
Tomas: You...want me to believe you killed these men.
Lili: You don't believe me?
Tomas: I want to understand, Lili.
Lili: But what do you think?
Tomas: I think, perhaps...you've been abused.
Lili: (Laughs, sharply) Wooh, not bad, Father. But you're off track. Nobody touched me. I was confessing my killing.
Tomas: Tell me...about your killing.
(She's breathing hard, having trouble staying conscious)
Lili: You're having difficulty, aren't you. The fingernail file was an exception. Usually I see they're watching, let my rear end sway a bit, glance back and smile – sweetly, not too suggestive – then I turn up an alley, sidle to the end of it, and wait. They follow. Soon as they're unzipped and reaching for me, I flick out my knife and castrate them. (Beat) Doesn't take but a second.
(Tomas, unable to contain himself, lurches to his feet, steps out of the confessional, grabs Lili, and pulls her to her feet)
Lili: (Dizzily, smiles at him) Thought I'd get a rise out of you.
(She sinks immediately, passing out)
Tomas: What's wrong with you! Stop this!
Lili: (Her eyes fluttering open) I've confessed my killing. You've got to forgive me.
Tomas: (Finally realizing what she's done, and 'losing it') You're dying! You've killed yourself! You...witch! (Trying to shake her awake) Don't do this. You can't die here. Don't do this to me!!
Lili: (Sinking to the floor) Absolve me! That's your job.
Tomas: (Trying to get a hold on himself) I'm calling for help. What did you take?
Lili: It's too late.
Tomas: Lili! Tell me what you've taken!
Lili: Would I lie to you? Absolve me!
Tomas: No! I won't let you do this. I'm calling an ambulance.
(He staggers away. Lili lifts an arm toward him as he retreats)
Lili: No...Wait...I'm only...
(Attendants carry Lili to an emergency room, Tomas attending. The vital signs' monitor begins beeping, and the beep becomes the church bells that announce Joan's voices. As Lili loses consciousness, we hear young Joan, speaking to the angel, Michael)
Joan: But I'm only a girl.
(Joan steps out, lightly: a peasant girl in a red dress, moving to place in a narrow shaft of light that reaches toward her and is "Michael." Music. Joan is mesmerized by what Michael has just said, and she wants not to lose the presence of the archangel that both fills her and appears before her. It's delicate, intimate, to draw us in, and intrigue us to share her vision)
Joan: (Almost a whisper, to Michael) It's a mistake. Must be...a mistake. I've been too proud.
(Joan is awed. Her eyes drop, then instantly rise again, wide with pleasure, as she hears Michael's response)
Joan: Yes! My life is his. I want to be used, but I...
(She's cut off by Michael, listens, and melts)
Joan: You know I am! Seeing you is more than happiness. It's joy so deep...like a rainbow around me. (Hears, then protests) That's only when I pray about the war. And if I cry, it's for my country! But then, you fill me with such...sweet...
(While she searches for words to describe her feeling, Michael interjects, and they continue a tight exchange. Each ellipses is a comment by Michael, but it's all fast as thought, with as many emotional changes – the kind of argument one has with one's own thoughts)
Joan: I know I prayed for a miracle. For the people under siege (Beat) Yes! He can do anything. I believe it, Michael. (Beat) Yes! Your coming to me proves that...(Beat) I don't know why. Because I'm kind to crabby Antoinette? Because I stopped them beating crazy Stephan? (Beat) No. I don't think you visit just anyone. But you...The joy that comes with you makes everything so warm, and right, that...(Beat) I do remember their pain in Orleans. How can you...(Beat) I am brave. Yes. With the sheep. And...(Beat) All I know is my village. My works have been childish things, Michael, so...(Beat) But...
(She stops dead at what Michael's said, and, frightened, says–)
Joan: I can't! They won't let me. I'm only a girl.
(She cringes, startled by Michael's sudden shout, then answers, subdued– )
Joan: Yes. (Pause) Yes. (Pause) If he tells me to do it, I will. (Silent tears roll down, as she answers) Yes. No matter how much it costs.
(Church bells)
Joan: But...
(Michael leaves. Lili speaks from the table, as though awakening not in life, but in spirit)
Lili: There are no "but's," Joan.
> (Joan looks up, startled, not seeing Lili, but decides to speak, as though talking to herself. Lili moves from the table toward Joan. Tomas follows, watching her)
Joan: ...how can I lead the army? My parents won't even let me out of the house.
Lili: (Looking around, awed to be near Joan) Is he still here?
Joan: (Wary) Who?
Lili: You know. Michael.
Joan: Michael?
Lili: The Archangel.
Joan: No. He left when I said "but."
Lili: See, I told you.
Joan: Who are you?
Lili: I...don't know.
Joan: There weren't any bells. Why am I hearing you?
Lili: Because I...need you.
Joan: You, too? Did St Catherine send you?
Lili: Whatever.
Joan: I don't think so.
Lili: Please. I...need to talk to you. If I don't, I'll...die.
Joan: Die? You can't die. You're standing in God's light.
Lili: I...(Speechless an instant) Do there have to be bells?
Joan: When they chime...the voices come.
Lili: You, uh...better be careful who you say this to.
Joan: I hear what I hear.
Lili: It's only sound waves. It's no more real than fairies.
Joan: Leave the fairies alone. They're not hurting anybody!
Lili: So I've got it wrong. So tell me.
Joan: There's no point . If you believed in them, I wouldn't have to. And since you don't, you're bound to hurt them. So that's all I'm saying about fairies.
Lili: No, please, I'm sorry. I really want to know.
Joan: (Stubborn) Why?
Lili: (Unusually humble) So I...I just...need to.
Joan: An idiot can figure it out. Children hear about fairies. Then they come out to the woods. And the moment a fairy touches the hand of a child, the child knows all life's secrets all at once. How she, the child, belongs to the magic butterfly who changes bodies right before her eyes, and to the cricket whose song fills the night though it's never seen, and to even the bear, who once seen, can never be denied.
Lili: (Nervous, out of her depth) So. You can just...ask the trees what to do.
Joan: I have. But...
Lili: But what?
Joan: I'm afraid. Michael wants me to go out of the forest. No one will understand. My family thinks...
Lili: You've got to. Do...or die! That's all the choices there are. And I can't anymore. My pit keeps getting deeper and slimier. I can't climb out. (She's choked up) Once you made me dream...I could do anything.
Joan: I made you...?
Lili: And it's not true! I can't even get a minute's peace.
Joan: (Amused) Yes, you can. You know how.
Lili: (Defensive) No, I don't!
Joan: (Like it's the simplest thing) Of course you know. There's a knowing world inside.
Lili: Inside where?
Joan: Inside you. Inside me. A prayer world--where God and Mary and Jesus and all the saints and angels live – where peace and strength come from.
Lili: (Giving up, hopeless) Oh god.
Joan: It's all right if you don't understand. That doesn't change what's true.
Lili: Listen! I can't hold on even one more...
Joan: You can't see the bigger world, but your spirit knows about it. So if you just... jump, you'll find you can "do," you can act, right along with God, in the bigger world.
Lili: Then you get out there.
Joan: (Uneasily) What do you mean.
Lili: You can act. Do Michael's assignment.
Joan: But...
Lili: All at once. Just...jump!
Joan: (Panicking) I can't hear you anymore.
Lili: No. Don't let me go!
Joan: Leave me.
Lili: (Fading, pulled back to the table) Please...don't...let...
Joan: I need to pray. (Kneeling) Our Father, who art in heaven...
(Close to death but still reaching for Joan, Lili gasps out her last "routine.")
Lili: Don't let people who couldn't care less what's inside you – don't let them run you. Whatever you know inside, you have got to "do"...because if you don't, you give up your ticket to life without ever passing go, you cash it in for ready money, you become part of the trash, you open yourself to be pawed by every pervert who has a use for you. Don't let it happen! Listen to your voices!
(Then as Joan disappears, the medical team whacks on electro-shock to restart Lili's systems. Lili emits a sharp cough, then sharp groan, sitting bolt upright on the table. Her whole being undulates with a fit of retching, emitting a demon howl– )
Lili: You defecating perverts! How dare you
