by L.A.A. Law
Chapter Eighteen –Sanctuary Situations
I hear his breathing accelerate. Before I can dwell, my consciousness drifts, filling my mind with the sound of gentle swishing water and crickets. I am near a tree lined lake at twilight. Scanning the area, it must be Lake Anna. I breathe a sigh of relief. Even if Andrew sees this, everything that happened here he already knows. Then it occurs to me, have I ever been able to rationalize in my dreams? Taking a closer look to see if he is anywhere present, I see this is not a lake, but a basin at the bottom of a running river. A man’s head pokes out of the water. His hair is dark, wet. His sparkling blue eyes are dark, maybe from their intensity, but his features are quite unmistakable. I gasp, looking quickly at my clothing. I am wearing some sort of a white sarong with an ornate, jewel encrusted broach at my shoulder. Shaking my head, I hope to stop this dream as I can now see Andrew moving toward the shoreline, his muscular chest no longer hidden under the water. “I must wake up, I must wake up.” I keep repeating but to no avail. His sculpted abdomen, glistening wet, is now free from the water’s cover. His eyes turn wicked and I cannot tear my stare from this beautiful man. My lips part as he continues to move shamelessly out of the basin, freeing himself from the watery blanket. My jaw drops toward my knees as his feet touch the terrain and a scantily clad Andrew, whose physique challenges those of the Roman god’s walks with determination toward me. His deep blue eyes gleam with his solicitous intention. He swiftly swoops down, lifting me off the ground. His lips upon mine as he pulls me tightly toward his moist skin and his wet hair drips down his bare chest, making my dress sodden. I realize I am not wearing anything underneath. On some level, I’m surprised that I am not embarrassed or blushing. Despite my scant clothing, I am hot, overheated, consumed by desire. I wrap my arms around him, allowing one hand to skim his muscular back and he laughs, but his eyes become darker. His hand moves from under my knees, releasing my legs slowly toward the earth. Passion erupts like a volcano within me as I draw him closer. “Come you promised me a swim for our anniversary.” His sultry voice sends my already overheated blood coursing through me as his fingers gently glide down my back pulling me against him so that I can barely breathe. He backs us towards the cool crisp water. I can feel his smile. “I think someone needs to play in the refreshing water.” He laughs walking backwards and pulling me in. I cannot even feel its coolness as our bodies intertwine.
My eyes flutter open and I’m panting, pulse racing, sweating from the overheated blood coursing through my body. I feel… I can’t even find the words. Is this what it feels like after you make love to someone you cherish and hold dearer than your own life? Before I can even consider what I am feeling further, I jump up. I am alone. Did Andrew see this and leave? I move quickly to the doorway when my nostrils are met with the smell of bacon. Whew. Maybe he left before my erotic encounter. Distracted, I wonder which anniversary we were celebrating. Could my dreams allow me to lust after my husband after a long and happy marriage? The angel on my shoulder nods her head vigorously. Would we be like that if we got together here?
Reining my thoughts in, with a hopeful heart that he left before my exploits, I enter the kitchen. “You are spoiling me terribly. I need to learn to cook and eat on the run.”
He turns, his face giving nothing away. “You should enjoy the indulgence now. I can’t do this with twins in my arms.”
Grabbing coffee, I sit down. “This is very good. Thank you.”
“Did you sleep well?” His voice is quiet. Oh no! Did he see it and is now trying to gage exactly what I saw and will say. I’m frustrated, unable to read anything in his voice, features or body language.
I decide to play coy too. “You were right, the bed is very comfortable. Were you uncomfortable staying with me there? You seemed restless.”
“I’m sorry I interfered with your sleep, I was just wrestling over something I never expected.” His eyes tear away from mine, he looks ashamed, but does not mention the dream, maybe it has to do with something else.
I move my hand across the table to touch his face, but now he will not meet my eyes. My heart sinks, he must have seen. “Please talk to me.”
His blackberry vibrates. “Saved by another emergency” he mutters rising.
I grab his hand. “This afternoon, please talk to me. We have to be past secrets now!”
It is so nice to get back to my rounds. William’s excitement over the mural distracts me from my worrying about this morning’s encounter.
Returning to the office, Jackson is there. Seeing me, he jumps up, takes my hand and leads me down the hall to an unused room. “What happened last night?’ He tone is hushed. “Andrew looks absolutely frantic, he’s pacing, mumbling to himself.”
I flush as images of our carnal lovemaking in the water flash across my mind. As much as I have come to love Jackson, I can’t tell him about the shared dreams. They’re just too much, so instead I tell him what Andrew told me. “He was restless last night and this morning said he was wrestling with something, but he was not in the state you are describing.”
Jackson becomes introspective. Despite what I believe, I’m hoping I’m wrong and Jackson can offer me another explanation. When I can no longer bear the silence, I blurt out “Do you know what’s going on with Andrew?”
His features change as if something dawns upon him. “He’s behaving the way Eva did when faced with the inevitability that I wasn’t going anywhere and she had feelings for me. He is wrestling with his biggest fear that he will ensnare you as well as physical and emotional feelings that are foreign and which he’s spent centuries avoiding. Mia, you need to be careful, if he is not ready to face what is going on, he’ll leave. He won’t have you leave because of what he sees as a threat to you, but it would not be good to have him leave not with the looming question about what they are up to and what Nicholas really knew or whether he was manipulated…manipulated…”
Jackson freezes, his features deep in concentration, as if he is running centuries through his mind. After an interminable silence, something seems to occur to him and he paces wildly in this small space, talking to himself. “What if you weren’t the sole target? What if this is to make him vulnerable and he is the key?” He stops suddenly before me, grabbing my wrists. “You have to keep Andrew calm and here. I think it’s dangerous for him to be on his own.”
His intensity peaks my anxiety. “I don’t understand! What you’re talking about?”
He takes a steadying breath. “Since we have been here together, we are becoming stronger. What if all of what just occurred was to get us fighting again. Your arrival alone, did not lead Nicholas to attack Andrew head on or the fighting that he must have hoped for. I know you love Andrew and anyone would be blind not to see he loves you back. What if Nicholas was manipulated, but maybe he was not the only one. They always thought they were immune because of what happened and what they became, but what if they are just as capable of being manipulated?”
He sees I am becoming more bemused. “Think of it this way. When I went after Eva to make her admit she loved me, I was manipulating her fate and mine, tying us together forever. What if they can all be manipulated and don’t see it until it’s too late?”
Jackson’s words sweep the cobwebs from the corners of my cerebrum. “So our encounter was always being used to manipulate their course. Who is the target then, is it all of you as a group or only some?”
“I’m not sure, but what if the accident was not only to target you, but also to isolate Andrew? What if you are each other’s better half and the two of you are like the grand prize? You are the key and he is the automobile, winning one without the other wouldn’t work. What if he needs something from you both so that all of the others will follow?”
As he says this, the shared images of us together flash through my mind again. “If you’re right, why not wait until Andrew admits he loves me, wouldn’t that ensnare me and if we lost he gets us all? Isn’t that what Andrew is so afraid of?” With trep
idation, I briefly tell Jackson about the images of us married and together.
When he recovers from his shock, his voice is lower. “Mia, those sound like more than just dreams and if they are showing you that you are connected, maybe something has changed, that we are unaware of. Maybe in revealing these, he is hoping to manipulate Andrew into committing to your sooner?” I know that is what Andrew fears, but before I can say anything, Jackson’s head whips around and his voice turns urgent. “Maybe he was hoping that the accident would cause an immediate war between you and Nicholas and isolate you and Andrew from each other so that in your desolation, he could manipulate each of you down destructive paths. Right now, there are too many unknowns, but I am sure of one thing it is essential that Andrew does not leave!”
“I don’t want him to leave. I need him Jackson! What should I do?”
“I’m not sure, but you have to convince him to stay, we need to figure this out together.”
My stomach is overwhelmed by fluttering butterflies for the rest of the day, especially when Andrew doesn’t show up at lunchtime. While reviewing the obstetrician’s report, I see the blanket move by Katrina’s stomach. Placing my hand on her stomach, I feel a kick. The dichotomy of her lifeless body giving life stuns me. The door opens, it’s Andrew. “Come here, you have to feel this. It’s amazing!”
He moves robotically forward. Taking his hand, I place it on her stomach. His face turns soft and his eyes are overtaken by joy as he feels the kick. “It’s truly a miracle, isn’t it?” Amazement rings in his voice.
“They grew!” I say excitedly. “They are going to make it!”
Caught in the moment, he wraps his arms around me snugly. “I told you they would!”
I rub Katrina’s stomach and know it’s silly, but cannot resist. “I’ll see you soon little ones.”
Taking his hand, he tenses. I call up my most commanding voice. “We need to talk.”
Walking back, I decide my course and it does not include him leaving. “Andrew, I know your restlessness had to do with me and probably the images we shared again last night.” His eyes shoot up to mine and I am positive he saw everything too. “I thought about not telling you, but evasiveness is only hurting us more. I don’t want to play games and hate that I’m making you feel so uncomfortable…” I take in a deep breath. “I know you’re thinking about leaving and I won’t let that happen! I’ll leave before you separate from your family.” His shocked look makes me nervous, but I have to protect him, even if it means taking the twins and hiding in some hole. If Jackson is right, it would be dangerous for him to be alone. My heart seizes at the thought of his suffering; I lean over holding my chest tightly.
He grabs me, trying to straighten me out, his voice sounds panicked. “Mia, it’s alright! Open your eyes.”
Forcing air into my lungs, my voice is raspy. “I’m sorry. The idea of you leaving and getting hurt overtook me; you must think I’m possessed always reacting so badly to stress.”
His voice turns tranquil. “I don’t think you are possessed and would like to keep it that way.” He exerts effort to smile. “You have enough to deal with. You shouldn’t be expending even a passing thought on me.”
Staring into his sparkling eyes, I know I’m probably burying myself, but everything needs to be out in the open, no more games. “Andrew, I think you know this and wish it wasn’t true, but you are important in my life. What bothers you matters to me. You’re struggling because of me and we need to work it out. I’m not going to let you leave and I would prefer to stay. I’m begging you, please talk to me! There has to be some compromise we can reach.”
I can feel his mounting tension. He takes my hands and inhales deeply. “I care for you more than I should allow myself. I see us getting deeper involved and you stir feelings within me, a desire to get close to you that I have never experienced before. The images that we have shared, feel so real, I am embarrassed because I don’t know if they are coming from me or you, but at the same time, I would love to have that with you, here, now, but I know what would happen if I allow these feelings to overtake me and give in, I will cost you your life.” My heart beats hyperactively at his admission, but it also breaks at seeing the depth of his fear as agony rips through his features. “Mia, I can’t allow myself to be overcome! I truly believe whether we solve this puzzle or not, because of how he created her, we are bound to him for eternity and I don’t want that for you! I would give anything if I could commit to you; offer you a life with love and passion like we have seen. I would love to take you in my arms at night and softly kiss your delicate pink lips, caress your cheeks and enfold you in my arms, but I can’t at least not without committing you to his darkness forever. As we get closer, I fear I will lose my determination to keep you from this existence, even if it is only for a moment. If I let myself consider the possibilities that these images open up and make a mistake, it will entrap you and damn you forever and yet I struggle because I don’t want to let you go!”
He closes his eyes and I wait while his ragged breathing slows. “Last night I struggled the most and it’s not just from our shared image. Even before that began, I felt a desire to pull you closer. The intensity of my wanting you like that makes me want to jump out of the room and run, not stopping until I reach another continent.” His voice sounds strangled. “I’m terrified that I’m not strong enough and may give in like Gabriel or Eva. I don’t want this for you and can’t live with myself if I give you to him!”
His hands are fisted tightly. Tugging at his fingers, his grip finally softens and I take his hands in mine. “I know that you are afraid for me and think that if you give in, you’re condemning me. I don’t believe that and don’t you think that I should have a say in this!”
He stares at me earnestly. “Mia, you haven’t seen the suffering that I have. I can’t thrust that upon you. I can’t be the one to enlist you in his army of the damned!” His facial features twist at whatever images flash before him.
“I do understand and I’m not afraid of facing anything as long as I’m facing it with you! I have thought long and hard about what could happen, especially since the accident and seeing how my sister’s life was cut short before she even had a chance to enjoy the greatest blessing of her life.”
I bring his hands up to my lips and kiss them gently, holding them to my cheek. “I do realize the repercussions if you declare your love for me. I considered not telling you, but I don’t want to have secrets, and although you fear for me, I have decided that the consequence of what could happen doesn’t frighten me.” His eyes flare with disapproval and I stop for a moment.
Drawing in a deep breath, I want him to hear my determination. “Andrew, I have never even considered getting close to someone, but with you, that has all changed. I don’t want to lose the time we could have finding out where this may go and enjoying some small part of a happy life because of the fear of what could happen! You don’t know for sure what is going to happen. You only know what you fear.” He opens his mouth, but I move my hand to his lips and he closes them, staring at me intensely.
“I’m not saying what you fear isn’t valid, but even you can’t say that your fate is sealed. I believe that you and your family will find the solution. You are too good not to prevail! I refuse to believe that the goodness in you could be lost to the darkness forever. Look at your mother, she was condemned and love may save her. The abyss could not hold her and she may have a second chance. However, even if I’m wrong, I’m ready to live with the consequences.” My hands grip his face forcing his eyes to see that mine do not lack the courage of my conviction.
“I don’t want to lose whatever time we have! Once you allow that, you are already condemned and have allowed the darkness to take away the light offered by love and it has already won too much of a victory keeping you from a life that you so deserve.” He shakes his head, but I will not let him stop me now that I started.
“I’m not afraid of what may com
e. Our paths did not cross by mistake. Our souls are already connected and we are fated together.” I’m about to tell him that the images prove this, but knowing he fears they are a manipulation technique, I stop myself. “I refuse to let fear of what you suspect is to come tear us apart. I refuse to let the darkness take one more thing from me!” The words flow from my lips like water rushing through a broken dam.
His contorted features and desolate eyes make me feel as if I have lit the match and sent his flaming body careening into the very hell which he is desperate to save me from. The angel on my shoulder, who once encouraged me, is now slapping me across the face, screaming. Wake up, do you realize what you have said, what he has heard? Silently, I pray my honesty will not doom us apart. I need to make him understand that regardless of what he decides will become of us, he cannot leave. Stroking his cheek, I make my voice soft, trying to pull him to the here and now. “I know my words are not what you were hoping for, but you need to promise me that no matter what you decide for us that you will not leave. I can leave, but you cannot!” Once again, pain pierces his darkened eyes.
“But if I leave and you stay, you will be safe, safe from them, safe from me.” His voice is barely audible.
I grab his shoulders. “You can’t think of leaving.”
“Why?” He protests.
“First because I don’t need to be safe from you, I want to be with you. Second, Jackson has a theory and I know he is on to something. We were talking…” His eyebrows rise. “I do talk to other people besides you.”
“Yes, but Jackson, for as much as I love having him around, he tends to make wrong choices. He shouldn’t be giving you any ideas!” He retorts angrily.
“Stop that! His choice has allowed them to spend years loving each other. If he listened to you, they would have lost that time. Do you know how many people have never known the life they shared and would trade an eternity for just one day of that type of intense love!” I take in a breath, knowing I’ve become distracted.
“I can’t really explain it, you need to talk to him, he was talking to himself too quickly, but he believes you are all stronger together and closer to a solution, but that something has changed that you are unaware of. Jackson believes the accident was to isolate you as well as me. If you left, you would be out there vulnerable, able to be manipulated, your strength comes from being together. He has a point, but I’m muffing it up. Go talk to him.” My pulse races and my voice sounds shaky. “You need to promise me that you won’t leave! I will do whatever you want, I will leave, promise to stay away from you, not even look at you, but it is too dangerous for you to go.”
His face finally softens and he is now holding my face in his strong hands, stroking my cheek. “I don’t want you to be anxious. You explained it perfectly. It’s sometimes difficult to follow Jackson and I will go see him. I promise that I won’t go anywhere for now. I fought with the idea ever since I had you come.” His voice turns solemn. “I do care for you more than I ever allowed myself to care for anyone, but I think you know that. I want to be with you to share the life, passion and love I see in our flashes, but I can’t allow my own selfish desire to plant itself in my heart. I won’t allow myself to feel or say the words which will condemn you to his endless darkness! I can understand that you don’t want to lose the time we could share, but I’m not ready to have you entrapped and suffer beside me. Mia, don’t let your misplaced feelings for a savage like me hold you back here, you should move on with your life, find someone who can commit to you now.” His features are expressionless, but the pain shows clearly in his eyes.
“Andrew, you are not a savage.” I scream angrily, but then soften my voice. “You are the most special being I have ever known. I don’t want to look for anyone else. My heart is already yours, if and when you want it. If you decide that you can never commit to loving me, I can live with that too. I am perfectly content to go on as we are, but if you need me to back off, I will, as long as you don’t leave.”
He wraps his arms gently around me. “I don’t want you to disappear from my life. I want to spend time with you and have you by my side.” His voice whispers as if he is revealing a guilty confession. “I just don’t want to hurt you by not being able to be with you the way you want. I don’t want to deprive you of the love you deserve.” Sincerity rings through his gentle voice.
“There are all types of love and for me, this time I spend with you, the closeness we share, is enough. If it never changes, I still wouldn’t feel deprived of one thing.”
He kisses my head and rises. “I need to speak with Jackson. I promise I will be back later.”
“You don’t have to come back if it makes you too uncomfortable. I’ll be fine.”
His lips glide across my forehead and kiss my temple. “You don’t make me feel uncomfortable. In fact, I am more awkward now when I’m alone than when I’m with you. If you can tolerate my wrestling with myself, I’ll be back.”
I sit motionless trying to calm my hyperactive heart. The thought that he wants to spend time with me fills me with an overwhelming sense of joy. If he stays and they work together, maybe they will find a solution and we could have a life together, share the passion I see us sharing in my visions.
I decide to go through David’s CD’s and must have fallen asleep. When I wake, I am not on the couch, but in bed, with Andrew next to me, wrapped in his embrace as he runs his fingers gently up and down my arm. I smile at him, happy that no images bombarded my dreams. “Good morning.” He sounds cheery.
“Did you speak with Jackson?”
He nods. “He set out his speculations to Eva, Gabriel and Catherine as well. We are going to talk with the others tonight. I just want to be sure to have myself in check. I haven’t seen Nicholas since we returned.”
I force myself not to show any emotion. I blame Nicholas for working with them. His actions helped them kill my sister. If he is the last holdout and essential to their finding a solution, I cannot help my sister now and by starting something between them, I will hurt Andrew and aid in the destruction of his family. My sister is lost to me. I will not allow my selfish desire for revenge to harm the people that I love and the man I cannot live without. There has been too much suffering already and I won’t let her death be for not. Something good had to come from this tragedy.
I close my eyes. “Andrew, I want you to work this out with Nicholas! Jackson believes he was manipulated. I can understand his motivation, wanting your mother freed. The life of a stranger for someone he loves. Maybe he really didn’t know what was going to happen. Self-denial is a powerful tool that we use all the time. You can’t allow this tragedy to continue, for my sister, for me, you have to work with him and find a solution so that something good will come from so much loss.”
He embraces me, kissing each temple. “How did you become so wise?” I would expect this from someone of my age, but you are just a baby.” He teases.
“Sometimes older is not wiser.” I say mockingly.
