by Tiffany Sala
“Did you actually see it happen, Ryan? Do you remember him ever hitting either of us?”
He grimaced. “I don’t know what I remember, Tam, it was such a mess. I definitely remember things being shit at home just before, with them yelling at one another all the time.”
Both of them yelling at one another. I was too tense all of a sudden to ask him to clarify, but I didn’t really need to. If he’d meant just Brad yelling at Mum, then he would have said it differently.
“I think I remember the three of us staying with Mum’s friend for a few days. Maybe just someone from the church who took us in. It’s a bit confusing.”
“But you don’t remember him hurting me.”
“Don’t properly remember anything but leaving, I know that happened for sure.” He was grimacing like he was working through a bad bout of food poisoning. “Why would she just lie about that? Like it’s beyond malicious.”
“Did you hear how she wouldn’t say anything, though? Like, there’s no reason for her to be like that… unless she lied.”
Ryan shook his head, groping around the vicinity of his pants pocket as if something he expected to be there wasn’t. Mum had really laid into him when she figured out he was smoking. Screaming and all. I hadn’t even realised; he clearly wasn’t doing it in the house and he must have been keeping himself pretty clean, but that was how it always was with her. Zero or a thousand. She’d done it to both of us. Ryan’s ciggies, my job… we weren’t fucking allowed to do anything outside of her idea for us. It was bullshit, a complete mess.
And I could see the thoughts in my head being reflected back at me through Ryan, right now. “What the fuck is going on, Tamara? What do we even do about this?”
“I wish I knew,” I said.
Chapter Twenty: Tamara
“Ay, Tamara! Where you going to in such a hurry? Got someone to see, huh?”
I was just glad Jason didn’t pick up and follow me as I ducked through an archway overgrown by trees and went through one of the teachers’ carparks to avoid further attention. I knew Jason pretty well because we’d sat close in a few classes over the years, but he was part of Rowan’s group, and for that reason I didn’t think I could really trust anything he did.
But maybe I was letting what I thought had happened with my father all those years ago colour my views of guys. Maybe Steven had been right, and Rowan hadn’t done something that made him irredeemable, just… ill-advised. Maybe I should have tried to call him out on it instead of turning into a puddle of distress.
My heart was going so hard as I crossed the tennis courts towards Steven’s car I couldn’t hear my own footsteps. I didn’t know if the same thing that had happened last time I’d gone to him there would happen again. I was scared that it might. Excited that it might. My head was a complete mess at that moment, but the whole thing was so much better to think about than the mess with Mum, I didn’t care so much.
I could see Steven staring at me from a distance as I approached. Whatever was coming, he was ready—and I, too, was ready, just as I’d been the day before.
I felt very different all of a sudden to my normal self. Seductive, not some confused virginal deer. I was pretty sure it was making me move differently, too. I was almost laughing as I stepped around the car and sidled in right under his nose, inserting myself between him and the car.
A wave of unease hit me then. I was practically telling him that I wanted the same thing to happen today that had happened yesterday.
But it was even more than that. I wanted other things he seemed less willing to give me: the truth about whatever had happened between him and that girl, an explanation for his interest in me… a name for what we were to one another. If I just knew: if I could label it as a bit of fun he was having with me, or something he was hoping to become more, then it seemed like that part of my life would at least be easier. I wouldn’t be so bothered by the guys laughing when I walked past and calling me dirty, the girls sneering at me like I was going to corrupt their boyfriends with my mere presence.
He was just staring at me. I didn’t know what his deal was, but it was pretty clear I wasn’t getting my wish that day.
Steven shifted a little. Away from me. He didn’t grab me like I’d been anticipating, firm hands all over… didn’t even touch me. “Okay, Tamara, so what is it this time? You’ve satisfied yourself Luc isn’t ruining Callie’s life, you’ve moved onto stalking me now?”
It sounded like the sort of thing Steven would say as a joke, but, I didn’t think I was misreading him. I didn’t think he was joking.
“Steven, what’s going on? You…”
“What the fuck you looking at me like that for?” Steven was glaring me down. “Did you like what I did for you yesterday so much you’re going to keep harassing me to give you another go? I thought you had all these other guys hanging off you waiting to fuck you, wasn’t that what you were whining to me about the other day?”
I wanted to back away from him now, but I didn’t have anywhere left to go. “That wasn’t what I was saying at all, Steven, you know that, I was just upset and I thought—”
“Well, you do keep claiming you were thinking, but I’m not seeing a whole lot of evidence of that in your actions. Just a fucking randy cow.”
I’d seen Steven this vicious before. I’d felt how rough he could be. But on those occasions, he’d been feeling like there was a threat to his friends or himself. I thought I’d understood what was going on there. Maybe I hadn’t understood anything at all. That would be on brand for me at the moment.
“Do we really have to fight about this? I don’t—”
“Seriously? You think we’re fucking fighting right now? Because to me it just looks like you’re being a fucking annoying clinger refusing to get the message.”
“Oh, I get the message, Steven.” I slid sideways along the flank of his car, getting myself out of his range. The feel of it along my back made me shiver. I hated him, more than I thought I would ever hate Mum once the shock of her betrayal really sank in. He’d made me want things I thought, maybe, he was able to give me… and then he’d yanked it all from under me. At least Mum never promised much of anything.
“Is this what you did to her?” It came out of me before I’d fully put it together in my own head. “Did you screw around with her head until she didn’t know what was going on, and then start hurting her? Was she the one who finally stood up to you?”
I could tell I’d hit him somehow. His face had gone softer than it was usually.
“I hope she did,” I added. “I hope she gave even better than she got. Well she did, didn’t she? I bet that restraining order is going to follow you around for the rest of your life.”
Steven made a sharp move towards me then, but I didn’t stick around to see if he was going to try to hurt me like he had that other girl. I ran, not looking back, until I was able to get inside the building that housed the library. I had to wander through a bit of a maze of corridors to locate the side entryway into the library, but once I was inside I felt like a cloak of relaxation had folded over my shoulders. I was safe from him for the moment.
I had only a few minutes to get my head together before I had to head to class. It seemed like a task of impossible proportions. Everything was backwards: my dad, the menacing blip at the corner of my life, had an account for his actions that seemed to line up. My mother, who I had always trusted to make decisions that kept me safe, had made one critical bad one.
And then there was Steven… who I might have caught the sort of feelings for it was dangerous to have for a guy. I’d let myself get caught up in the romance after all, and it had nothing to do with sleeping with him. It was how I’d felt going in to get that birth certificate with him by my side. Playing that stupid game with him at Ashleigh’s place—a feeling like I would come back for as many sessions as it took to get good at it, even if that was impossible. It had been like that girl everyone thought they knew, cowering in the corner behind her
dolls, was fading away, and I’d liked the replacement.
I’d thought Steven liked the replacement, that he saw some sort of future of ‘us’, even if it was just for the rest of our high school lives. But the whole time he’d just wanted to get in my pants, then he’d come back for another go… and then I’d acted too much like I thought I had a claim on him, and that was it.
The bell was about to ring to drag us all back into class. Some of the other kids who spent their time in the library were already moving.
Suddenly I felt very out of place there, as well. Those kids were there because they wanted to study, because they were good at studying. They actually wanted to get back to class. I was just hiding out from my problems like I always did.
But I knew I was going to go right back there once the next block of classes was done. I didn’t know anywhere else.
I needed a lifeline. I needed someone who had cared about me all along, whether or not I did what they wanted of me.
Before I got out of my seat, I sent a text to Brad to let him know I was keen to meet up again.
Steven was waiting for me in the library when I came back at lunch. He must have skipped out of class a bit early to get there, because I had done a fast walk the instant the bell rang. He was leaning against the long desk of computers where I usually sat and pretended to be working, and there were two other guys with him—Daniel, and some super-bleached blond I’d seen before but couldn’t remember the name of. Their presence made me feel so queasy I couldn’t have choked down the lunch I’d taken to eating quietly at home after school even if I’d wanted to try sneaking it in there. I didn’t remember ever seeing Steven with either of them before.
He started smirking when he saw me. It wasn’t the smaller smile I’d come to really enjoy on his face, it was big and plastic. The sort of smile I’d expect from someone like Lucas who never did anything without an audience… and I didn’t like Steven’s current audience at all. “Well, boys, here she is.”
Steven must have seen where I’d run off to earlier. I should have been more careful, but I’d let my guard down with him. Now I was going to pay for that.
Steven glanced over my head, towards the main desk at the opposite side of the library, then spoke in a low voice that made me shiver. “Now Tamara has a problem.”
It would have been sexy, if everything wasn’t pointing to my being in serious danger. Daniel and the blond were looking at one another in unease too.
“Seems she isn’t happy with the fucking I gave her,” Steven continued, “and she wants more. And I know the two of you are pretty good at fucking.”
Daniel’s eyes met mine, then skidded away. He was going red. He was definitely thinking about getting in my pants now… and I didn’t know how far he would push things if Steven provoked him. I didn’t know anything about the other guy at all.
Steven knew just how much this would push on my boundaries. He had thought about this.
The blond guy dropped a laugh that sounded all the more awkward for how it echoed in the space. “Don’t usually need an introduction service or anything, Steve. Why can’t you help her out?”
“She’s a nasty little bitch,” said Steven, no hesitation. “You know what they say about not sticking your dick in crazy… well, I try not to get it wet in nasty too many times either.”
Daniel did a bad job of stifling his own laugh. “Nasty can be fun.”
“You’re thinking a different type of nasty there, Dan,” said the blond.
“Well, shit,” Daniel said. He winked at me. “She’s not bad-looking, I’d be up for it if she is.”
I needed to say no, I wasn’t like that, they should leave me alone. But my head had gone down; I couldn’t even look at them. I couldn’t deal with being discussed like this, a mere object to be fucked, a piece of trash.
I didn’t want the thought that came into my head, but there it was: had Mum felt this way when she found out her husband wasn’t faithful to her?
“This is too weird,” whined the blond guy. “Can we just get the fuck out of here?”
Daniel punched him in the arm. “At least let’s hear a bit more about the situation.”
Steven shrugged. “What more is there to talk about? Take her around the back and give her a good double-teaming so she stops hanging around annoying the fuck out of me. If she struggles a bit just hold—”
“Steven, what the fuck do you think you’re doing?”
My head came up pretty fast at that voice and I staggered backwards, nearly colliding with Lucas. A pair of arms slipped around me—I flinched at first, but then I recognised the rancid stench of the perfume Callie had been wearing that week because she didn’t want to tell Lucas how much she hated his gift. I leaned into her, aware now of just how much I was shaking.
Daniel and the other guy ducked past Lucas on a rapid track to the exit. Steven had his arms folded and his neck crooked like he was getting a telling-off from a teacher. “Fuck off, Lucas, I didn’t invite you for a reason.”
I couldn’t see Lucas’s face well from my current position, but his posture was more aggressive than usual. “Seriously Steven, what are you doing? Do you want to get yourself in trouble?”
He sounded so bewildered, like Steven was some perfectly good guy for whom hurting a woman was out of character.
Lucas didn’t know about the restraining order. He didn’t know about what Steven had done to that girl.
How was that even possible? Steven certainly hadn’t managed to keep me a secret.
“I think you should get out of here,” said Lucas, and stood stiff while Steven sidled forward. He passed near to Callie, trying to bump me with his elbow as he passed.
Once he was gone, Callie let go of me and turned on Lucas. “What is up with him?”
“As if I fucking know.”
One of the library assistants whose name I couldn’t remember was suddenly tapping me on the shoulder. “Excuse me, you can’t carry on like this in the library.”
She couldn’t even remember my name, could she? “Why do you assume I’m the one responsible for this?”
Lucas stepped between us. “Sorry to disturb.” The woman blinked at the unexpected faceful of Lucas Starling charm. Lucas grabbed Callie’s hand, and Callie grabbed my wrist. “We’ll be going now,” Lucas added, and led us like a really twisted centipede out into the corridor outside the library.
He touched Callie’s shoulder. “Are you good to keep an eye on Tamara? I’m going to go swing a punch or two at Steven.”
“You are not,” said Callie, “he’ll swing back and you’ll mess up your face.” Lucas touched the side of his face where he’d been injured in an accident a few months before. “Be careful, okay?”
He kissed her forehead and strode out. I could barely look at Callie. She was just about glowing.
“Why did you come looking for me in the first place?” I asked.
The question took that goopy look off her face quickly enough, at least. “I got the strangest message from your mother, I didn’t even realise she had my number.” She pulled out her phone and showed me a long text in Mum’s usual stream-of-consciousness style. I felt my head start throbbing just thinking about actually reading it from cover to cover, but I was able to skim the general point: she thought I might be in a fragile state of mind and getting myself into a dangerous state, and could Callie find some time to look out for me. That was totally Mum’s style: find someone else to harass me on her behalf without telling them exactly what was going on.
Well, she’d gotten lucky there because at some point I’d made the decision to not involve Callie in what was currently going on in my life. A bit of mistrust from everything that had gone on before, a bit of a need to guard myself from potential outside interference.
But I couldn’t be like that any more. I had to make sure I had any support on offer at the moment. So I told her everything I could think of that I had any desire to share, trying not to pay attention to how wide-eyed she w
as looking. I barely believed the things coming out of my mouth were a part of my own life. I had to stop a few times when people approached from either end of the corridor, but Callie just kept smiling at me during those silences, which encouraged me to continue once the coast was clear.
Then she moved straight into her practical, ever-onwards Callie mode as soon as I’d said all I needed to say. “I think Lucas is going to try to deal with Steven, although I don’t hold out much hope for that situation. But this stuff with your biological dad… are you sure you can trust him?”
“Callie, I went into this thinking at best, well, maybe I’ll be able to accept that he’s not the same guy any more. But all the evidence points to him never having been that guy, and… well, I just need to try this.”
I didn’t tell her I was going to sneak out of school the next day to go see him. It seemed likely she would insist on trying to come with me. She might even tell Mum… and Mum was a master at thwarting my plans.
The only person I felt I could really have trusted to get involved in meeting my dad was Steven. Even when he knew what I was doing, he’d given me the space I needed.
But Steven was the last person who would support me right now. The last person I should be regretting.
“As far as Steven goes…” Callie bit her lip. “Lucas isn’t going to be happy with this as an idea, but I think you should talk to someone about what he did. That was a seriously threatening situation we walked in on. Maybe he’s just going through something at the moment, but you can’t just let that go.”
If I went back to Ms. Miller, would she try to downplay what had happened to me? Or would she finally think it was time to bring Steven under control?
Chapter Twenty-One: Steven
“Steven!”
It was damn weird to have Luc yelling after me like that. Lucas didn’t shout at anyone. Didn’t fucking need to when you had as much money as he did. He could have ordered someone else’s murder in that soothing fucking voice he used and probably gotten away with it.
