by Gina Azzi
“Indy, you should take Aiden to The Ivy next weekend,” I say, relieved that my voice is even and calm. Inside, my stomach clenches and my chest burns. But on the outside, I’m cool. Controlled.
All eyes in the den turn toward me.
Indy’s eyes narrow and hurt ripples over her face.
I forge ahead. “Yeah, I made reservations for Saturday night but it’s not going to pan out. Why don’t you guys go? You can celebrate Aiden’s move. You gotta try this place, man.” I turn toward Aiden as I describe the ambiance of the restaurant and their kick-ass menu. I feel Indy’s glare on the side of my face but I don’t turn toward her. I can’t. Because I don’t want to witness the disappointment in her expression over my cop-out. Her disappointment in me.
“What do you think, Indy? Can you fit me into your busy schedule?” Aiden jokes, glancing at Indy.
For one blink, her expression is furious. Her hurt obvious. Her shoulders tense. But then she takes a deep breath and pastes on a big smile. She glances at Aiden and her anger softens. “Of course, Aid. I’d love to go with you.”
Her words pierce my chest and fill it with anger, pain, and ugly thoughts. But I deserve it. All of it. Because this is what I wanted, isn’t it?
If I’m doing the right thing, why does it feel so shitty?
23
Indy
Aiden’s kiss goodbye glances off my cheek and I dip my head, nodding to his cheerful “see you later,” as I close the door behind him. Spinning around, I sigh and wipe a hand across my forehead.
Noah’s pushing me on Aiden; his being blasé and distant, is beyond confusing. In fact, it hurts. With every one of his intense glares followed by a silence I didn’t understand, a tiny, sliver of hurt, like a paper cut, nicked my heart. Over the course of four hours, my entire chest throbs with disappointment, pain, and a growing swell of anger. I lift the heal of my hand to my sternum and press, hoping to dispel the anxiety spiraling throughout me as I think of my life sans Noah.
This was supposed to be casual. Yeah, right.
“What the hell is wrong with him?” Claire asks, correctly reading my thoughts.
I look up at her, noting the way her arms are crossed over her chest. Her eyes are narrowed, her lips thinning into a straight line.
“You didn’t have to stay behind,” I tell her.
“Fuck that. You’re clearly upset.”
I wince.
“Rightfully so.” She jabs a finger in the air and I manage a small smile.
My favorite day of the year is over and instead of feeling warm and bursting with gratitude, I’m exhausted and freaking relieved. Even with Aiden’s surprise visit and his moving news, my energy is depleted. Emotionally exhausted, physically worn, and mentally sluggish, I don’t know whether I’m happy or annoyed that my cousin is joining me in my misery.
Claire wraps her arms around me in a hug and I drop my head to her shoulder, deciding I’m a tiny bit thankful for her presence. A wave of hot tears tingles behind my eyes and I squeeze them closed. What is wrong with me? I’m not usually this sensitive. This sappy. With Noah, I knew the score so why does his dismissive attitude today matter?
“Maybe he’s scared?” Claire whispers.
I pull back and give her a look.
She shrugs, but the confusion in her eyes mirrors my own.
“I’m exhausted, Claire.”
She nods, tipping her head to the kitchen. “Let’s say good night to your parents and swipe a bottle of wine. I’ll drive your car to your place. We’ll drink until we pass out since your schedule is cleared for Thanksgiving break and my schedule doesn’t even exist.”
I manage a nod and pull myself together to whirl through the kitchen and put on a show for Mom and Dad. I’m sure they’ll see straight through me. I only need to play my role well enough so that they don’t ask questions. With Claire calling all sorts of attention to herself by asking my parents which wine bottle they want to give her, I kiss Mom and Dad goodbye without drawing their narrowed eyes and frowns.
Okay, so I’m definitely glad Claire is here now. Especially because ten minutes later, she drives me home, pours me wine, and doesn’t give me shit for passing out before I finish the glass.
I sleep in late the following day. So late, in fact, that Claire is already gone. However, she brewed a fresh pot of coffee before she left and I love her for it. Even though I slept soundly, it was nice having someone to share a bit of my heartache with. Claire has always been more like a sister to me but I spent my teenage years as an only child, with Aiden as my closest friend. I’m unaccustomed to having a girlfriend climb into bed with me when I’m hurting or drink a bottle of wine with me because I’m angry.
It’s a hell of a lot nicer than I thought it would be.
I fix a mug of coffee and plop down at the kitchen table, unable to keep my eyes open. Thank God I’m off until Monday. I can spend the weekend kicking my ass back into gear. Is my focus off because of Noah? Am I that caught up on him?
Emotion sweeps through me, making me weepy. Yes, it appears that I am.
Rolling my eyes at myself, I force myself to get up. I take a hot shower, hoping it will wake me up. But after I blow-dry my hair, I tug on clean pajamas and crawl back into bed, prepared to sleep the day away.
The incessant ringing of my phone pulls me from sleep. My eyes open slowly, each eyelid feeling like it weighs roughly the same as a sumo wrestler. I pull myself into a seated position and grope around for my phone, finding it under a pillow.
“Yeah?” I answer, my voice heavy with sleep.
“Indy?” Noah asks, a thread of concern in his tone.
“What time is it?”
“Just after six.”
“At night?” I ask, alarmed that I literally slept the entire day away.
“Yeah,” he says slowly. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” I toss myself back on my pillows, wondering why he even bothered to call after he practically set me up on a date with my best friend just last night. “What do you need?” I think my abruptness startles Noah but I don’t care.
Why the hell is he even calling me after being so standoffish last night?
“Uh, nothing. I just, I wanted to check on you.”
“I’m good.”
“Oh. Okay, good.”
Silence stretches between us, and where it used to be comfortable, it’s not. It’s heavy. Tense. Awkward as fuck.
Noah sighs heavily, “I’m sorry for being weird yesterday.”
“It’s fine,” I blow him off. Sure, I’m desperate for an explanation but if it’s the one I’m pretty sure he’s going to give me—that he’s done with me—then I’m not up for hearing it right now.
“Look, I’m close to your place. Can I swing by? Bring dinner?”
I hesitate, wondering if I even want to see him. But my stomach grumbles and I realize I haven’t eaten anything today so I mutter out, “Sure.”
“What are you in the mood for?”
“Pizza.”
He chuckles. “Okay. I’ll be there in a bit.”
I hang up without saying goodbye. The tug of sleep is strong but I force myself to swing my legs over the side of my bed and stand. A wave of dizziness crashes over me and I sit back down, dropping my face into my hands. Shit, I really do need to eat something. How the heck am I so hungover from a few glasses of wine?
When the spell passes, I stand up and pull on a hoodie and some fuzzy slippers. I don’t even care what I look like. I’m too tired to care. Too confused and annoyed to want to read into anything Noah says.
I just want the damn pizza.
I pull the door open the moment he knocks.
Noah stands there, looking irritable with his dark eyes and messy hair. His winter coat is open and a plain black shirt is visible. He holds out a pizza, which I take and turn around, not bothering to say hello.
The door closes behind him and he follows me the few steps into my kitchen.
“Indy,” his ton
e is apologetic.
I turn and glance at him.
“I’m sorry about yesterday.”
“Which part?” I ask, pulling plates and cutlery out of kitchen drawers. Placing them on the table, I uncork the wine bottle Claire and I didn’t finish last night and raise it.
He shakes his head so I pour a glass for myself.
Noah sits next to me and stares at me, his expression unreadable but his eyes are filled with regret. “I’m sorry I was such a dick last night.”
“Okay.”
“I’m serious.”
I shrug and take a sip of my wine. “Whatever, Noah. Just so you know, I don’t do this.”
“Do what?”
“Take guys home for holidays. Thanksgiving is my holiday, it’s my favorite day of the year, and it was stupid that I was excited to spend it with you. Especially when this”—I gesture between us—“isn’t really a thing.”
His frown deepens and his brows furrow. “I wanted to spend the day with you too. It was nice of your mom to invite me.”
I take a gulp of wine this time. My skin feels hot and cold and my eyes burn. Shit, am I going to cry? What is wrong with me? I need to stop drinking.
I place my wine glass down and pop open the pizza box, sliding a slice on each of our plates.
“Indy, don’t be mad. I just, I fucked up, okay?”
I look at Noah, waiting for more.
“I like being with you, Indy. A hell of a lot more than I should. And, look, we agreed from the beginning that we would keep it casual. I’ve got Austin bitching at me that you’re not like other girls, which I know,” he adds when my eyes narrow. “I’ve got to keep my head in the game right now. The Hawks are off to a solid start, even without my brother, and I can’t let my team down. I can’t afford any distractions.”
“So I’m a distraction now?” I bite out, knowing that I am because he’s also a big fat distraction in my life too. But am I just a distraction?
Noah blows out a sigh, tipping his head. “I like you, Indy. But we both know there’s nothing more for us than this.” He gestures between us.
“Hot sex and pizza,” I surmise, taking a large bite.
He snorts but when I don’t react, his face falls. He reaches out, his touch featherlight as it travels over my wrist.
I drop my head, trying to get control of my emotions. I know what Noah and I agreed to. I know I said I would let him know if I started to catch feelings and I didn’t. I didn’t tell him how much I looked forward to seeing him, how I began to crave the feel of his arms around me. I didn’t tell him that when we had sex it started to feel more like love. Love! I cringe, chewing my pizza.
What am I supposed to do? Tell him now when he’s adding distance between us that I’m falling for him? I swallow.
No way am I setting myself up for even more disappointment. I’ll be fine. I’ll get through this. My heart squeezes and I press my fingers into the center of my chest, trying to alleviate some of the pressure.
Noah catches the movement and I clear my throat, pulling his eyes to mine.
Forcing my expression blank, I shrug nonchalantly. “It’s fine. I get it. It was fun while it lasted and we had some good times together, right?”
Noah tips his head, studying me. After a second, he nods slowly.
“Thanks for bringing this.” I lift my slice of pizza in the air, folding it in half. My body starts to shut down as I force my mind to turn off my emotions. “Honestly, I’m exhausted. But, it’s good we had this chat so we know where we stand. Still cool, right?”
He nods, picking up his slice. “Do you want to hang for a bit?”
I bite my bottom lip trying to keep the torrent of tears at bay. Is he kidding me? We just kind of, sort of, broke up and he wants to “hang”? My emotions pull my thoughts in contradicting directions. On the one hand, I do want him to stay. I want him to stay because he wants to be with me, not because of some stupid friends-with-benefits agreement. On the other hand, I can’t wait for him to leave so I can throw myself back into my bed and sob my eyeballs out.
Clearly, that’s the more rational choice. I shake my head. “I’m really not up for it.”
Noah’s face falls but I steel my resolve not to give in. After all, he pretty much blew me off by taking our dinner reservation and giving it to Aiden. What the hell was he even thinking?
Noah finishes his slice quickly. The chemistry between us turns stale as we both stand from my little kitchen table. How the hell did we get here? Just last week, Noah was lighting up my nights and now, he’s ruining them.
I walk him to the door and pull it wide open. “See ya around, Noah.”
He hesitates, shifting from one foot to the other. He works a swallow, his Adam’s apple bobbing.
Please say something. Take it all back. Tell me you feel what I feel. Tell me you want this. Me.
I wait him out, my heart more hopeful than it should be.
Finally, Noah sighs and dips his head. “Good night, Indy.”
I bite the corner of my mouth to keep from crying in front of him. But as soon as he clears the threshold, I close the door and lock it. My shoulders shake with the intensity of emotions I’m holding in. My stomach coils too tightly, my chest heaves with silent sobs, and a wave of nausea rolls through me.
Oh God. The first tears fall over and I drop to my knees, letting them wash through me.
I knew better than to fall for a hockey player. I knew better than to let Noah Scotch in. I went and did it anyway. And now, I’m left to pick up the pieces all over again.
24
Noah
“Three weeks, man,” my brother says through the line. He sounds good, centered.
“Yeah. Bet you’re ready to be home.”
“Ready to sleep in my own bed.”
I chuckle but it’s forced.
“What’s going on, Noah?” Easton asks.
I sigh, reclining in the chair in my hotel room. Blowing out a breath, I glance out the windows, overlooking downtown Nashville. We have a game tonight and instead of focusing on that, instead of thinking about gelling with Sims and protecting our record, I’m twisted up over Indy.
Three nights ago, I let her go for good. She was furious with me. Hurt. And as much as I try, I can’t stop the look on her face before she closed her apartment door from haunting me.
I swallow past the lump in my throat. I miss her.
“Noah?”
“Indy and I broke up.”
“Broke up? I thought you weren’t really dating.”
I chew the corner of my mouth, not knowing what the hell to say. East is right. We weren’t really dating.
But he’s also wrong. Because I was falling in love with Indiana Merrick. I just didn’t want to admit it to her.
My brother snickers.
“What?” I snap. An image of Indy flickers to mind. Her anguished expression, fighting back tears. The exhaustion that clung to her eyes. I hurt her, cut her deep, and I feel like complete shit about it.
But I feel even worse knowing that she’s never going to be mine. She never was and now, there’s no hope for a future with her. I fucking sabotaged that.
“What happened?” Easton asks, his tone softer.
“I was supposed to take her to The Ivy on Saturday.”
“That sounds pretty serious. What went wrong?”
“I passed the reservation off to her and some guy who was making fucking heart eyes at her over Thanksgiving dinner.”
Silence. For three breaths, I’ve stunned my brother into total silence. Then, he cracks up and I swear.
“Wait a minute, you really did that? You tried to set Indy, the girl you’re fucking losing it over, up on a date?” East summarizes, howling.
“It’s not funny,” I retort lamely. I can’t even bother to inject my tone with anger because he’s right to laugh at me. I’m a laughingstock right now. A dumb one.
“You’re right, you’re right. It’s not.” Easton clears his thro
at before his laughter erupts again. “It’s fucking hilarious! What is wrong with you, Noah?”
“I don’t know,” I answer honestly. What the hell is wrong with me? Indy and I made a deal, sure, but part of the deal included my taking her around modern Boston. The city side with delicious food and craft cocktails. Cool art exhibits and downtown shopping. Instead, I bailed on that too and tried to set her up. With a guy who makes her smile, who puts her at ease, who made her eyes light up when she saw him. A man her dad calls “son” and her mom fawns over.
A man she deserves. One who has a stable career, will be living permanently in the city, and won’t spend nights at a time in other parts of the country, having random girls slip their numbers in his pockets.
“Noah,” Easton’s voice pulls me back to the conversation.
I grunt.
“What happened after Thanksgiving?”
“We’re done.” I sound as bitter as I feel. “I grabbed a pizza and stopped by her place.”
“And?”
“And she pretty much said it was fun while it lasted and to have a nice life.”
East whistles. “Shit. You really pissed her off, man.”
“I hurt her.”
Easton swears. “That’s even worse.”
Hanging my head, I pinch the insides of my eyes. “I know. I messaged her a few times since and…”
“She’s ghosting you.”
“Pretty much.”
“Wow. Who knew Little Indy would hold such a grudge.”
Even though Easton is trying to cheer me up, it still pisses me off that he’d say something—anything—negative about Indy. “I deserve it.”
“Of course you do. You played this whole thing wrong.”
I roll my eyes, shifting my weight in my chair. “Yeah? What the hell would you have done differently?”
“I would have told her how I felt. For real. The second I started having real feelings,” he says easily.
“Bullshit. You would have chickened out,” I call him out.
“No way, man. I’ve spent too much time making excuses and pushing people away. Look where it got me? If I found a woman who would really stand by me while I do all of this shit? I’d jump in with both feet.”
