by Anna White
“I don’t want to talk about it Chlo.” Her expression instantly saddened but she nodded anyway.
“As you wish.” She turned on her heel and made her way towards the living room and I made my way towards my room. As I opened the door I spotted Jay. He was sitting at the small desk with weighing scales and bags, tiny plastic bags. I was supposed to help him. They were for our drop in Italy later next week.
“What time do you call this?” He swivelled around on the chair to look at me and I glanced towards the T-shirt she had taken off on my bed. A feeling of loss overwhelmed me. “What have you done?” His tone changed. He was no longer up beat and joking and I flopped down on my bed opposite him before I held the T-shirt in my hand. My eyes were filling with water again and I shook my head.
“I fucked her Jay.” The words left my mouth quicker than I could stop them. I didn’t look up to see his reaction.
“You what?” I almost rolled my eyes and repeated what I’d just said.
“You heard me Jay. Do I have to keep telling you? We fucked.” It was more than that though wasn’t it? It was more than once… I looked up to see the blank look on his face, he simply shook his head and placed his head in his hand on the desk.
“I told you to stay away from her. Especially when your off your face, what the fuck were you thinking!? Have you even been tested lately!? Wasn’t she a virgin?!” I cringed at the thought of taking that away from her. He was becoming more and more irate and I knew that nothing I was going to say would make it any better.
“I was sober. Stone cold sober.” I admitted aloud. I grasped the T-shirt tighter in my hands “it was more than once and yes actually I’m clean of aids but for Christ sake I used a condom.” He placed his hand up as a signal for me to stop.
“Back up,” I watched him look directly at me and felt bare. “You fucked her when you were sober?” I nodded and grimaced. That didn’t happen. It never happened. Not even with Chloe. I was never sober. “So now what?” I shrugged as I took my stance next to him. I didn’t have an answer for him. Instead, I knew the answer he wanted to hear.
“We get ready for that drop in Italy and prey Bandoni and Rava don’t find out.” He nodded and continued to weigh out the coke into the bags as I lay on the bed. What the fuck have I done?
Holt - Thursday
Being in a foul mood didn’t even cut it this week. He’s text twice this last week. I knew I'd pushed him and I thought he’d come around but it was like he said it would be. Like we didn’t happen. I still hadn't told a soul. I reached for my phone that was wrapped in my hands. There was a missed call from Chlo. She knew. I know that he said she didn’t but she did. I was too annoyed to speak to her. I didn’t want the questions I knew she would throw at me so I ignored it and waited for Nance. She took her sweet time from her lecture. We break up for the Christmas break soon so everyone and his dog is in stress mode. Everyone other than me. We were meeting up with Soph. She had disappeared off the face of the Earth since she’d met Callum. I rolled my eyes at the thought. We entered the Top Hat and I glanced towards Alfie who smiled at both Nancy and me. He gestured at us to come closer towards the bar. I grimaced at the thought of trying to make small talk and I watched as Nance pointed towards Soph who was sipping on her glass of wine. I tapped my watch at her and chuckled.
“Drinking at this hour?” I raised my brow and watched as she grinned.
“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with having a glass of wine with lunch!” She threw her one hand up in surrender as she took another sip from her glass.
“Only you have no lunch?” I heard Nancy laugh and I joined her as Soph rolled her eyes. I took my seat on the table with them and watched as Soph smiled. She seemed happy. Genuinely happy. Her eyes seemed brighter than they usually did. Nance leaned back in her chair and yawned and I glanced across at her.
“Uni is killing me, I’ll be glad when it’s over next year.” She proclaimed and I shrugged.
“I don’t think it’s been too bad?” I admitted. I heard Soph chuckle and she pushed my arm softly.
“You never struggle though do you?” Both Nance and Soph shared a look and I shook my head. My eyes drifted towards Alfie. He looked swept off his feet and I heard my stomach grumble. I placed my hand on it and looked down at my phone again. I sighed and looked back up at the girls. I had zoned out on their conversation.
“Jay’s called things off…” I caught the back end of their conversation and my stomach dropped. I looked towards her and watched her eyes fill with water.
“What?” I questioned. I was shocked. They seemed happy last weekend, they were laughing and joking and looked like they were on good terms. “Things were fine last Saturday, what happened?” I couldn't help but question her and I watched her shift in her seat.
“I dunno, Sunday we met up in the evening, had food and I dunno something in him had changed. He said they were going away on business again and that he didn’t want anything serious…” I gulped down the lump growing in my throat. Sunday was the day I pushed Haz. Oh fuck has he told him? I pushed the thought away and watched as she picked at the food that had arrived on our table. Suddenly I was no longer hungry. I placed my hand on her arm and squeezed it a little.
“Well he’s an idiot for letting you go.” I tried to smile, I wanted to comfort her but I was hurting too and I was a rubbish liar. She nodded and didn’t say another word. I looked down at my plate where my lasagna was and cut into it before I placed some in my mouth.
The conversation moved on swiftly from our love lives and I was pleased about that. They discussed travel plans for next year and their plans over the Christmas break. Soph was traveling to Scotland to visit her dad’s family and Nancy had said that she would spend it with her mum and dad. I had no idea. I had zoned out. I watched the bar fill and began to wonder where they were, I hadn’t heard anything from either of them and Chloe had tried calling me all day. I looked at Soph who’s eyes lit up as she looked at the bar.
“Who is that?” She flicked her head in the direction of Rava and Arlo and my mouth dropped.
“Oh God,” I muttered as I nudged her arm. “Soph don’t.” I warned. I watched her bite down on her straw and giggle. “Nance watch her will you?” She huffed and shrugged.
“Somebody has to.” I frowned at her remark and stood from my seat. I made my way towards the bar, closer to where Rava and his cronies were standing and I glanced towards Alfie. I heard a whistle and rolled my eyes.
"Can I help you?" I questioned sharply as I noticed Arlo smile down at me. Just seeing them both again made me feel uneasy and this time Haz or Jay weren’t here to come to the rescue. My breathing became uneven. They muttered something in Italian to each other and I examined them closer. They are more familiar than I remembered. Blood brothers. They both shared a laugh and I shook my head.
"You seem to have caught my brothers eye, as I told you that you would." I felt my nose wrinkle. Arlo looked so young compared to his brother, his brown eyes were sparkling and I found my eyes wandering towards Rava.
"I've met you before?" I stated bluntly and he nodded.
"You have, briefly? A friend of Chloe Conways?" I watched as he tilted his head up to look towards me, his dark hair moved a little as he did and I watched him examine my chest. I gulped and tried to make eye contact with Alfie. “Would you like a drink?” He offered and I instantly shook my head.
"No actually I was just going to see if Alfie needed any help behind the bar?" They shared a brief look of confusion and Rava reached for my hand.
"One drink won't hurt? Anyway your friends over there look down, let us join you?" Before I could say anything he was walking me back towards the direction of the table where Nance and Soph were sitting. I shook my head and tried to pull my hand back from his. My heart raced with fear.
"Erm no honestly we are fine." I felt almost rigid under his grip, he was really strong and I finally pulled my hand free.
"Woah lads, ladies can I help you?" Alfie�
��s voice made me feel instantly at ease and he was standing behind me. I turned to look at him. My eyes must have been screaming help me and he looked towards Nancy and Soph. "Avaya, Nance, Sophia?" We all looked up at his friendly slender face and he smiled sweetly at us. "I could do with your help behind the bar?" I nodded and breathed a sigh of relief.
"Yeah we could do that?" He smiled at me and I felt the distance increase between Rava and I.
"I didn't realise you knew the girls so well?" Arlo questioned.
"Avaya sings here often, you get to know the acts." He gently placed his hand against my back and ushered me away from them both. I felt like I could breathe again. I made my way behind the bar and needed to take a break. That was all too intense. I held my hand against my pounding heart and closed my eyes. I hear the door shut and my eyes fly open. Alfie was standing perched against the door with his arms folded.
“What was that all about Alf?” My voice cracked slightly as my fear threatened to consume me. He shrugged.
“I was going to ask you the same question? Rava and Arlo bat women away and you were turning them down?” He raised his brow at me and I shrugged.
“He creeps me out.” I partially lied. “Where are Jay and Haz? Why are they here?” The questions flew from my mouth and I felt him offer me a comforting hug. His long arms draped over me and I felt more comfortable.
“They’re in Italy on business, Haz called me this evening and said Jay and him both want you all at mine until they get back tomorrow.” I shook my head.
“What why?” I questioned.
“They don’t trust Rava and neither do I,” he pulled away from me a little and held me at arms length “he’s making a bee line for you and none of us understand why.” I felt as though my airway was about to close and shook my head. “They just want you safe.” There was that word again. Was this who Haz was warning me about? If he found out? I gulped again and leant against the door frame. “There are rumours about you and Haz.” He watched me for a reaction.
“That’s ridiculous.” I scoffed and I watched him suppress a smirk.
“Is it? You practically grappled Rava off you?” I shook my head.
“I told you he creeps me out.” I heard him laugh a little and frowned deeply.
"Cmon, I can't tell you anymore, I will be shot." He dropped my eye contact and reached to touch my arm in a comforting manner. “You good yeah?” I shrugged at his question and felt my phone buzz in my pocket.
“I’ll be fine, out in a second.” I pulled my phone from my pocket and watched as he left me alone in the room. I swiped my phone and read the message.
Haz: Stay safe. Stay at Alfie’s tonight. I’ll see you when I get back.
I shook my head. How did he know what was going on? I placed my phone back in my pocket and made my way out of the backroom and back behind the bar. Hopefully looking less like a ghost. I was almost instantly pulling pints. I’d missed this from my college days.
Rava was hanging around the bar with his friends, Sophia was perched on the bar stool the other side chatting to Callum and Nancy was drinking her way through all of her tips. The punters loved her. I smiled at her and watched as she took another shot. She wasn’t drunk, just a little merry and I couldn’t blame her. It had been a shit week. The barbell rang for last orders.
"Already?" Arlo raised his eyebrow at Alfie, who was making his way towards where I stood.
"I'm afraid so." Alfie had been flirting with a pretty brunette lady all night, I've watched as he fumbled with glasses and tried his hardest to be slick. I whispered in Nancy’s ear.
"Stay at Alfie's with me tonight?" She frowned and shrugged.
"Fine, but only because I was supposed to get a lift home off you and I’m too pissed to drive home." She didn’t sound impressed with my last minute change of plans. Her tone sounded harder than normal and I watched as people began to order and drink their last ones of the night. I couldn’t help but sit and people watch. It was, after all, one of my favourite past times.
I could hear commotion coming from downstairs, my eyes felt too heavy to open. I tried to wrestle with my inability to sleep and tried my hardest to get comfortable again, I tossed and turned. It was getting me nowhere. I placed my head on the pillow once more and felt what I thought was Sophia trying to tell me how she too couldn’t sleep. I was wrong. I took in a deep breath and could smell his aftershave, I smiled to myself as he wrapped his arms around my waist as he crept them underneath my pajamas. I was half asleep. I rolled over to face him and kissed his lips softly. I’d missed him. I’d missed the feeling of his arms like this more than I cared to admit.
“I’ve missed you Miss Holt.” He whispered in my ear. This was by far the most settled I’d been since he’d been away from me. I drifted back off with my head resting against his.
Friday
I awoke unexpectedly. There was a warm feeling coming from the other side of the bed. I rubbed my eyes and turned to see a very asleep Harry. My heart thudded as I watched him. His perfect heart shaped lips moved slightly to let the air in and out of his lungs, his chest moved in unison, the winter sun was almost beaming off his slightly darker complexion. I ran my hand along his perfectly shaped abs and jumped slightly as he caught my hand in his. His eyes opened slightly and he smirked down at me.
“Don’t do that Avaya, you might get yourself into trouble.” He grumbled and I couldn't help but giggle. I ran my lips against his jaw line and whispered,
“Where have you been?” He was now tracing his fingers over my back lightly and looking into my eyes.
“Just sorting some stuff out.” I studied his eyes, there was a reminance of the crimson colour in all of the corners. My chest tightened with fear. I knew what he’d been doing while he was away. This business wasn’t just logistics. There must be something else going on with all of them. I watched as he lay back and stretched out his sleepiness.
“You really need to stop putting that stuff into your system.” I sniggered, finally confronting him about this felt exhilarating, I finally felt a little better. I needed him to know that it made him a horrible person. I needed him to know how much he frightened me when he was off his face on it that night. I rose from the bed and felt myself being pulled back with force. He was now pinning me beneath him. His expression was that horrible unreadable monster once more.
“I’m trying Avaya.” His words were stern and I shook my head as I tried to wriggle from his grip.
“Don’t Avaya me, you’re not trying hard enough!” His cold stare went through me, my skin stood on edge and my breathing started to become more erratic as his grip tightened around my arms.
“Do you know how hard this is!?” He paused. “No of course you don’t, Miss I’ve never touched anything in my life.” He released my arms and now I just felt hurt. “You have no idea of my past, you don’t understand what this addiction is like.” I watched him sit on the edge of the bed, I lay in the same spot, my breathing eventually calming down. I sighed. I didn’t understand how hard it was. I'd never had to contend with anything like that in my life. I knelt behind him and ran my hand across the muscles on his back before clutching his shoulder underneath my tiny hand.
“I’m sorry.” I whispered in his ear before kissing it softly. “I’ll try to help you? You’re right I don’t know what it’s like. I just don’t want you to hurt yourself anymore?” Wow, you sound so pathetic… I pushed away my inner thoughts and planted small kisses against his shoulder. “I don’t want you to turn into that cold hearted monster, you scare me when you act like that.” I gulped down the lump that was rising in my throat and ran my hand over his chest, pressing my face against his. “It’s heroine isn’t it?” I muttered. I felt him nod and hold the hand that was placed against his chest.
“It’s easier to stay away from it when I’m around you,” he admitted and I kissed his cheek softly “the fucked thing is you’re saving me but I’m screwing you.” I shook my head at his remark and pulled on him to lay back
down.
“Don’t say that.” I whispered and felt him lay back with me, he turned in the bed to face me and ran his fingers through the back of my hair. I moaned as he did so, that feeling of him holding my hair made my groin clench.
“I don’t ever want to scare you, or hurt you,” he kissed the corner of my mouth, his voice was husky from just waking up and it was turning me on. I shook my head and ran my hand over the muscles of his bicep. “I’m so sorry Avay.” I didn’t know what he was apologising for nor did I care in that moment. I wanted nothing more than to be wrapped up like this in his arms. I could stay there for an eternity. His apology was sincere and he placed a kiss against my lips again.
“So what were you and Jay arguing about again last night?” I whispered and felt him smirk. My eyes opened as he dropped his hand from my hair.
“You.” He gazed at me for what seemed like an eternity. His eyes were still so blue. They were breathtaking. “He didn’t want me to come and find you. He says I’m bad for you and that I should stay away…” He began to chuckle as he ran his fingers over my cheek. "As you can see I ignored his request. I may be bad for you, but you’re good for me.” He ran his nose over mine and I smiled nervously at him.
“By bad for me, you mean you make me, unsafe?” I whispered and he nodded.
“You’re in a whole world of trouble, you just don’t know it yet.” He gazed in my eyes for a while, stroking my face with his thumb. “Remember when I said we were forbidden?” I simply nodded as the pain in my chest was threatening to return. “Rava knows deep down that you’re different to me, he knows that if he hurts you, he’ll hurt me.” My eyes widened slightly. “That’s why you’re here? So I can keep my eyes on you now he’s here fishing.” He smiled, it was almost comforting to know that he just wants me safe. While we are on the ‘I’m opening up to you’ topic I may as well ask questions right?
