“That’s my helicopter,” Don Condor said crossly. “I don’t have time for roadside brawls.”
Don Gug smiled pleasantly, sat down on the bench, and said, “Well, noble dons, we’re forced to acknowledge that the highly learned Doctor Budach mysteriously disappeared somewhere between the Irukanian border and the Territory of Heavy Swords—”
Father Cabani suddenly tossed in his bed. “Don Reba,” he said thickly, without waking up.
“Leave Budach to me,” Rumata said in despair, “and try to understand what I’m saying …”
Chapter 2
Rumata started and opened his eyes. It was already light out. There was a commotion in the street underneath his window. Someone, probably a military man, was shouting, “Scum! You’ll lick this dirt off with your tongue!” (Good morning, thought Rumata.) “Silence! By Holy Míca’s back, you’ll make me lose my temper!” Another voice, rough and hoarse, mumbled that this was the sort of street where a man ought to watch his step. “In the morning it rained, and God knows when they paved it last …” “He dares tell me what to do!” “You should let me go, noble don, don’t hold on to my shirt …” “He dares order me around!” There was a ringing crack. This was apparently the second slap—the first had woken Rumata up. “You shouldn’t hit me, noble don,” someone mumbled below.
A familiar voice—who could it be? Probably Don Tameo. I should let him win back his Hamaharian nag today. I wonder if I’ll ever know much about horses. Although we, the Rumatas of Estor, have never known much about horses, we’re experts in military camels. Good thing there are almost no camels in Arkanar. Rumata stretched, cracking his back, groped for a twisted silk cord by his head, and pulled on it a few times. Bells started jangling in the depths of the house. The boy is gawking at the scene outside, of course, thought Rumata. I could get up and dress myself, but that’ll only breed rumors.
He listened to the profanity outside the window. What a powerful language! It has incredible entropy. I hope Don Tameo doesn’t kill him. In recent years, certain enthusiasts in the Guard had announced that they reserved only one sword for noble battle, and used their other blades specifically for street trash—which, thanks to Don Reba, had really proliferated in glorious Arkanar. Although Don Tameo isn’t one of those enthusiasts, Rumata thought. Our Don Tameo is a bit of a coward, and a well-known politician too.
How rotten when the day starts with Don Tameo. Rumata sat up and hugged his knees under his splendid torn blanket. That’s the kind of thing that gives you a feeling of leaden hopelessness and makes you want to mope around and ponder how you are weak and helpless in the face of circumstances. This didn’t occur to us on Earth. Over there, we are healthy, confident men who have gone through psychological conditioning and are ready for anything. We have excellent nerves; we know how not to flinch when faced with beatings and executions. We have amazing self-control; we’re capable of putting up with the blathering of the most hopeless idiots. We’ve forgotten how to be fastidious—we can make do with dishes that, according to the custom, have been licked by dogs and then wiped with a dirty hem for the sake of beauty. We’re fantastic impersonators—even in our dreams we do not speak the languages of Earth. We have a foolproof weapon—the basis theory of feudalism, developed in quiet offices and laboratories, at dusty archaeological digs, in thoughtful discussions.
Too bad that Don Reba has never heard of this theory. Too bad that the psychological conditioning peels off like a sunburn, that we fall into extremes, that we’re constantly forced to remind ourselves: grit your teeth and remember that you’re a god in disguise, they know not what they do, almost none of them are to blame, and therefore you must be patient and tolerant. It turns out that the reservoirs of humanism in our souls, which seemed bottomless on Earth, dry up at an alarming rate. Holy Míca, we were true humanists over there, on Earth. Humanism was the backbone of our personalities; in our worship of Man, in our love of Man, we even approached anthropocentrism—and here we are suddenly horrified to catch ourselves thinking, Are these really humans? Is it possible they are capable of becoming humans, even with time? And then we remember about people like Kira, Budach, Arata the Hunchback, and we feel ashamed— and this, too, is unfamiliar and unpleasant and, most important, completely useless.
I shouldn’t think about this, thought Rumata. Not in the morning. Curse that Don Tameo! There’s a sour taste in my soul, and there’s no way to get rid of it in such loneliness. That’s exactly right, loneliness! Did we, so healthy, so confident, ever think that we’d be lonely here? No one would believe it! Anton, my friend, what’s happening to you? To the west of you, a three-hour flight away, is Alexander Vasilievich, a kind, wonderful man; to the east is Pashka, with whom you shared a school desk for seven years, a merry, loyal friend. You’re just feeling depressed, Toshka. It’s too bad, of course; we thought you were hardier, but who hasn’t felt this way? The work is hellish, I understand. You’ll go back to Earth, have a rest, do some theoretical work, and then we’ll see.
Alexander Vasilievich, by the way, is a true dogmatist. If basis theory doesn’t allow for the grays (In my fifteen years of work, dear boy, I haven’t noticed such deviations from theory …), I must be imagining them. Since I’m imagining things, I must be having a nervous breakdown, and I should be forced to take a vacation. Well, all right, I promise, I’ll take a look for myself and give you my opinion. But in the meantime, Don Rumata, I beg you, nothing extreme. And Pavel, childhood friend, a polymath, a scholar, a treasure trove of information—he dives headfirst into the history of the two planets and gives a trivial proof that the gray movement is nothing more than a commonplace rebellion of the city residents against the barony. Although one of these days I’ll come see you, take a look. To be honest, I feel kind of uncomfortable about Budach. And thank you for that! That’ll do! I’ll busy myself with Budach, since I’m not good for much else.
The highly learned Doctor Budach. A native of Irukan, a master physician, on whom the Duke of Irukan had almost conferred a title but instead changed his mind and imprisoned in a tower. The biggest authority on healing with poisons in the empire. The author of the widely disseminated treatise About Grasses and Other Cereals, Which Can Mysteriously Cause Sorrow, Joy, and Calmness, as well as the Saliva and Juices of Reptiles, Spiders, and the Naked Boar Y, Which Also Have These and Many Other Properties. Doubtlessly a remarkable man, a true intellectual—a dedicated humanist with no interest in money, all his property a bag of books. So who could have wanted you, Doctor Budach, in a twilit, ignorant country, mired in a bloody quagmire of avarice and conspiracy?
Let us assume that you’re alive and in Arkanar. It’s possible, of course, that you’ve been captured by barbarian raiders who’ve come down from the North Red Ridge. In that case, Don Condor is planning to get in touch with our friend Shushtuletidovodus, who specializes in the history of primitive cultures and is currently serving as a shaman-epileptic under a chief with a forty-five-syllable name. But if you really are in Arkanar, then, first of all, you might have been captured by the night bandits of Waga the Wheel. And not even captured, but taken along, because their main prey would have been your companion, the bankrupt noble don. Either way, they wouldn’t kill you; Waga the Wheel is too greedy for that.
You might have also fallen into the clutches of some idiot baron, without any malicious intent on his part, just out of boredom and a hypertrophied sense of hospitality. He might have wanted to feast with a noble companion, so he stationed his militia along the road and dragged your companion into the castle. And you’ll be sitting in stinky servants’ quarters until the dons drink themselves into a stupor and part ways. In this case, you are also in no danger.
But there are also the remnants of the recently defeated peasant army of Don Ksi and Perta the Spine holed up somewhere in Rotland, who are surreptitiously being fed by our eagle Don Reba himself, in case of the entirely possible complications with the barons. These men know no mercy—but it’s better not to even think abo
ut that. There’s also Don Satarina, an extremely blue-blooded imperial aristocrat, 102 years old and completely senile. He has a blood feud with the Dukes of Irukan, and from time to time gets excited into activity and begins to capture everything crossing the border from Irukan. He’s very dangerous, because when he issues orders during attacks of cholecystitis, the cemetery guards can’t drag the corpses out of his dungeons fast enough.
And finally, the main possibility. Not the main possibility because it’s the most dangerous, but because it’s the likeliest. Don Reba’s gray patrols. The storm troopers on the main roads. You might have fallen into their hands by accident, in which case we have to rely on the judgment and cool head of your companion. But what if Don Reba is actually interested in you? Don Reba can have such surprising interests … His spies may have reported that you’ll be passing through Arkanar, and a detachment under the command of a diligent gray officer—a noble bastard from the inferior gentry—may have been sent to meet you, and now you’re imprisoned in a stone cell underneath the Merry Tower.
Rumata gave the cord another impatient tug. The bedroom door opened with a hideous squeak, and in came a page, skinny and gloomy. His name was Uno, and his fate could have served as the subject of a ballad. He bowed at the threshold, shuffling feet in battered shoes, approached the bed, and put a tray containing letters, coffee, and a wad of chewing bark—for cleaning and strengthening the teeth—on the table.
Rumata looked at him crossly. “Tell me, please, are you ever going to oil the hinges?”
The boy stayed quiet, staring at the floor.
Rumata kicked off his blanket, sat up, and reached for the tray. “Have you bathed today?” he asked.
The boy shifted from one foot to the other and, without answering, walked around the room gathering the scattered clothes.
“Didn’t I just ask you whether you’ve bathed today?” Rumata asked, opening his first letter.
“Water won’t wash my sins away,” the boy grumbled. “What am I, a noble, to be bathing?”
“What have I told you about germs?” said Rumata.
The boy put the green pants on the back of the chair and made a circular motion with his thumb to ward off the devil. “I prayed three times last night,” he said. “What else can I do?”
“You goose,” Rumata said, and started reading the letter.
The letter was from Doña Ocana, a lady-in-waiting and the new favorite of Don Reba. She proposed that Rumata visit her tonight, “pining tenderly.” The postscript explained in plain language just what she expected from this meeting. Rumata couldn’t help it—he blushed. He furtively glanced at the boy, muttering, “Well, really …” This had to be considered. To go would be repugnant; not to go would be foolish—Doña Ocana knew a lot. He drank his coffee in one gulp and put the chewing bark into his mouth.
The next envelope was made of thick paper and the sealing wax was smudged: it was clear that the letter had been opened. It was from Don Ripat, a resolute social climber, the lieutenant of a gray company of haberdashers. He inquired about Rumata’s health, expressed confidence in the victory of the gray cause, and begged permission to defer paying a debt, citing exceptional circumstances. “All right, all right …” mumbled Rumata. He put the letter away, picked the envelope up again, and examined it with interest. Yes, they had gotten more subtle. Noticeably more subtle.
The third letter challenged him to a sword fight over Doña Pifa but agreed to withdraw the challenge if Don Rumata would be so good as to furnish proof that he, the noble Don Rumata, did not and had never had a relationship with Doña Pifa. This was a form letter; the body of the text had been written by a calligrapher, and the names and dates were crookedly filled in and rife with spelling errors.
Rumata flung the letter away and scratched his mosquito-bitten left arm. “All right, let’s wash up,” he ordered.
The boy disappeared through the door and came back shortly, walking backward and dragging a wooden tub full of water along the floor. Then he rushed out the door once again and brought back an empty tub and a pitcher.
Rumata jumped to the floor, pulled his tattered, elaborately hand-embroidered nightshirt over his head, and drew the swords hanging by the head of the bed from their scabbards with a clatter. The boy cautiously hid behind the chair. After practicing thrusts and parries for about ten minutes, Rumata threw his swords at the wall, bent over the empty tub, and gave the order: “Pour!” Not having soap was bad, but Rumata was used to it. The boy poured pitcher after pitcher on his back, neck, and head and complained, “Everyone else does things properly, only we have nonsense like this. Who’s ever heard of using two vessels to bathe? The master’s stuck some kind of pot in the outhouse … Every single day a clean towel. Hasn’t even prayed yet, and master’s already hopping around naked with swords …”
Rubbing himself down with the towel, Rumata said didactically, “I’m at court, not some lousy baron. A courtier should be clean and sweet-smelling.”
“As if His Majesty has nothing better to do than smell people,” the boy objected. “Everyone knows that His Majesty is praying day and night for us sinners. And Don Reba never bathes at all. I heard it myself—His Lordship’s footman said so.”
“All right, quit grumbling,” Rumata said, pulling on his nylon undershirt.
The boy looked at this undershirt with disapproval. The garment had long been the subject of rumors among the servants of Arkanar. But Rumata couldn’t do anything about this because of his natural human squeamishness. As he was pulling on his underpants, the boy turned his head away and moved his lips as if warding off the devil.
It really would be good to bring underwear into style, thought Rumata. However, the only natural way to do so would involve the ladies, and in this respect Rumata happened to be unforgivably picky for an operative. An empty-headed ladies’ man, who knew the ways of the capital and who had been sent to the provinces because of a duel for love, should have had at least twenty mistresses. Rumata made heroic efforts to maintain his reputation. Half of his agents, instead of doing their work, spread despicable rumors about him, calculated to excite the envy and admiration of the Arkanarian youth in the Guard. Dozens of frustrated ladies, at whose houses Rumata lingered on purpose, reading poetry late into the night (the third watch, a fraternal kiss on the cheek, and a leap from the balcony into the arms of his acquaintance, the commander of the watch), eagerly vied with each other in telling stories about the true metropolitan style of the ladies’ man from the capital. Rumata managed to support himself only through the vanity of these silly and disgustingly debauched women, but the underwear conundrum remained unsolved.
It had been so much simpler with the handkerchiefs! At his very first ball, Rumata extracted an elegant lace handkerchief from his sleeve and dabbed his lips with it. At the next ball, dashing guardsmen were already wiping their sweaty faces with pieces of embroidered and mono-grammed cloth of various sizes and colors. And in a month, there was a spate of dandies sporting entire bedsheets draped over an arm, the tails of which dragged elegantly across the floor.
Rumata pulled on his green pants and a white cambric shirt with a faded collar. “Is anybody waiting?” he asked.
“The barber is waiting,” the boy replied. “And there are also two dons sitting in the living room, Don Tameo and Don Sera. They ordered wine and are playing dice. They are waiting to have breakfast with my master.”
“Go call the barber. And tell the noble dons that I’ll be there soon. And don’t be rude, speak courteously …”
Breakfast wasn’t too filling and would leave room for a quick lunch. They were served roasted meat, strongly seasoned with spices, and dog ears marinated in vinegar. They drank sparkling Irukanian wine, thick brown Estorian wine, and white Soanian wine. Dexterously carving a leg of lamb with two daggers, Don Tameo complained about the insolence of the lower classes. “I intend to submit a memorandum to His Majesty himself,” he declared. “The gentry demands that the peasants and the crafts
men rabble be forbidden to show their faces in public spaces and the streets. Let them use the courtyards and back alleys. And in those instances where the appearance of a peasant in the street is unavoidable—for example, during the delivery of bread, meat, and wine into a noble house—let them apply for a special permit from the Ministry of the Defense of the Crown.”
“What a brain!” Don Sera said delightedly, spraying spittle and meat juice. “And yesterday at court …” And he told the latest story: Don Reba’s flame, the lady-in-waiting Ocana, had carelessly stepped on the king’s injured foot. His Majesty became furious and, turning toward Don Reba, ordered him to punish the offender. To which Don Reba, without batting an eyelash, replied, “It will be done, Your Majesty. This very night!” “I laughed so hard,” said Don Sera, shaking his head, “that two hooks flew off my waistcoat.”
Protoplasm, thought Rumata. Nothing but a gluttonous, breeding protoplasm. “Yes, noble dons,” he said. “Don Reba is the cleverest of men.”
“Oh my, yes!” said Don Sera. “What a man! What a brain!”
“An eminent personality,” Don Tameo said significantly, with a great show of feeling.
“It’s strange to even think now,” Rumata continued with a friendly smile, “what people said about him only a year ago. Do you remember, Don Tameo, how you wittily mocked his crooked legs?”
Don Tameo choked and drained a glass of Irukanian wine in one gulp. “I don’t recall,” he mumbled. “I’m no comedian …”
“You did, you did,” Don Sera said, shaking his head reproachfully.
“That’s right!” Rumata exclaimed. “You were present for this conversation, Don Sera! I remember, Don Tameo’s witticisms made you laugh so hard that some piece of your clothing snapped off.”
Hard to Be a God Page 5
