“The year is almost over, and then you’ll have a brand new one to look forward to,” Raquel said as we headed to class side by side.
“Yeah, a brand new one to mess up.”
“Nope.” She shook her head. “Not going to happen. The Mia Jackson I know bounces back. She always does. Just like Elphaba. This one is going to be your year.”
I smiled down at my shoes moving across the waxed tiles. It was good to hear a little optimism about the coming year because, to be honest, I still had no idea what my future held. Everything was changing. For one brief, shining moment, I thought Jimmy was going to be a big part of that. Those dreams had been put to rest. Now, it was all about picking up the pieces and building a better life—even if my heart still stung.
I only wished that I could show Jimmy I had no hard feelings toward him. And that I was truly, deeply sorry for what I’d done to him. If I could do that, I could really move on. Even if he still hated me, I could find a bit of comfort in knowing that I’d said my piece. Judging by today, though, that would never happen.
And that would hurt the longest.
20
Jimmy
Dad was on the couch when I came down the stairs to grab a late-night snack. The screen flickered in the dark room, making his skin appear ghostly white. I felt his eyes follow me across the room and to the fridge, where I pulled out a pint of double chocolate ice cream.
“Grab two spoons, Son,” he said, muting the TV.
I held back my groan and plucked two spoons from the silverware drawer. I should’ve known better than to go rummaging for food at this hour. Dad could feel something was up. The ice cream was just his way of trying to connect with me and get me to unknowingly spill all my secrets. That technique hadn’t worked since I’d wisened up in about the fourth grade.
Still, it was nice not to have to eat alone. Left alone to my thoughts too long, and I found myself overwhelmed with confusion over the past few days.
“Here.” I plopped on the couch and handed him a spoon as I licked the chocolate off of mine.
“I feel like it’s been an eternity since we last spoke,” Dad said, taking his time to gather a big chunk of cookie stuck in the cream. “How’s everything at school?”
“It’s fine.”
I sunk a little deeper into the couch and glared at the TV screen. To be honest, things at school were not great. Everyone had turned on Mia. Just days ago, they’d been clambering over each other to appear in her blog posts. And now, they were posting nasty things about her online. It didn’t seem fair.
Maybe Mia truly hadn’t meant for that blog post to be published. And maybe the things she’d written in the post had been over-the-top, but I’d seen firsthand how nasty Lindsey had been to her. Lindsey hadn’t been an innocent bystander.
And honestly, neither had I.
All of the anger and confusion I’d been pushing off tonight came flaring back. It wasn’t directed at Mia. No, it was all on me. Mia had been right. I’d been self-righteous when I’d accused her of being a liar. I was the liar.
I’d destroyed school property and ran away like a coward. I’d followed along with Mia’s plan, all because I wanted to maintain my web of lies. If anyone was to blame for all of this, it was me. If I hadn’t burned down that shed, then Mia never would’ve been in the position to write that article.
And I never would’ve gotten to know how amazing she was.
But even knowing that, for some reason, I still couldn’t face her. Call it shame. Call it fear, but I just couldn’t return her phone calls. And that was why I was more confused than ever.
“You never said if you enjoyed the Snow Ball last weekend with your date,” Dad said, passing me the ice cream. It was as if he could sense what I was thinking. His superpower at work once again. His eyes drilled into mine for a moment before he turned away. “How was it?”
“Fine.”
“Just fine?” He arched an eyebrow. “Are you sure? Is there anything else you’d like to share?”
I groaned aloud and buried my head in my hands. The thoughts swirling around my head had become too much. They were going to come out, whether I liked it or not. I was like a criminal under the hot glow of a detective’s interrogation lamp. If I held back any longer, I was going to burst.
“Dad, did you ever think that you might lose Mom someday? Way back when you first got together?”
The question slipped out of my mouth before I really knew what I was asking. But once it was out, I realized suddenly why my heart had been feeling so conflicted this week. Even though I’d forgiven Mia for what she’d done to me, there was a wall around my heart. A wall that I’d carefully constructed not long after my mom’s accident. It was great for keeping all relationships casual. For not getting hurt. The past few weeks with Mia had allowed me to lower it a bit, but after this weekend, it had sprung back up into place. Honestly, I wasn’t sure whether it would ever go away.
Dad raised his eyebrows at my questions and sucked in his cheeks. “You mean, was I ever worried I might get my heart broken?”
“Yeah. Pretty much.”
“Of course, I was.”
“Then why did you let yourself fall for her?”
He frowned at me and rubbed his hands on his knees. “Son, is this about that girl? Mia?”
I groaned again and gripped the spoon tight in my hands. “Maybe…”
“You’re afraid of letting yourself feel for her, aren’t you?”
Of course, Dad nailed it on the head. He always did. “Yeah, I think that’s pretty accurate.”
He chuckled softly, then shrugged. “I’m not sure I have any more wisdom to impart to you than any other man who’s loved and lost, but I do know that you can’t live life always expecting the worst.” His eyes glazed over as if he were watching a memory reel in his head. “And I’ve got to tell you, even knowing what I know now, I would do it all the same. The short time I had with your mother was worth any amount of sadness or grief. We loved each other deeply. She touched many lives, including my own. And best of all, she gave me you. I am grateful, each and every day, that I got the privilege to love her.”
The tension in my shoulders melted away as I watched Dad smile to himself, still lost in his memories. For a long time, I’d focused on the sadness of my Mom’s early death, but it had never dawned on me how much her presence still brought life to our world. The memories of her love and kindness had shaped me into who I had become. And her dreams for me had pushed me to work hard and succeed.
It was like I could feel the walls begin to crumble around my heart. For once, I didn’t fight it. I let it happen. And when they were finally gone, my feelings for Mia became stronger than ever.
Dad was right. I couldn’t live in fear my whole life. There was so much to be gained by loving in the moment…just as there was much to be gained by coming clean of the things I’d done wrong.
Even if it hurt.
“Dad, I have to tell you something.” I sat up a little higher and worked the muscles in my jaw. This was going to be like taking off a band-aid: painful at first, but better in the long run. “I’ve been lying to you.”
His brow wrinkled, and he set the spoon quietly on the end table beside him. “Is that so?”
“Yes.” Fear nipped at my gut, but I wasn’t going to stop now. “I was the one that burned down the school shed. It was an accident, but it was my fault. I should’ve come clean to you a lot sooner. I’m sorry.”
Dad had never been one to scream or yell at me, but I wouldn’t have blamed him if he’d taken this opportunity to vent some anger. Instead, he rested his elbows on his knees and leaned forward to stare at the opposite wall, his brow still wrinkled in thought.
“Dad?” I chewed my bottom lip. If there was ever a time to release the fire and brimstone sermon I knew he had deep inside him, it was now. I deserved it.
“I’m really proud of you.” He turned and grabbed my leg, giving it a squeeze. “I had hoped that eventuall
y you would confess and own up to it. Thank you for proving my faith in you correct.”
My jaw dropped to the floor. “What do you mean, you’d hoped I’d eventually confess?”
“Son,” he gave me a wry smile, “I may be getting on in years, but I’m not totally inept. When your child leaves the house in the middle of the night with an old bag of fireworks and comes back smelling like he’d apprenticed for a chimney sweep, it’s possible to put two and two together. I’ve been patiently waiting for your confession, and now I see I am rewarded.”
Disbelief swept over me. All this time, my dad had known. I was so stupid. I’d never been able to keep anything from him. He really did have a sixth sense for these kinds of things.
Letting me stew in my own guilt had probably been his own unique way of disciplining me. It was sort of hilarious. I would’ve laughed if it wasn’t for the fact that I still had some confessing to do.
“I guess I’m going to have to tell Principal Gentry tomorrow morning, huh?”
He nodded. “I think that’s for the best. Do you want me to join you?”
“No.” I pushed up from the couch and sighed. “I think it’s about time I faced this like a man, don’t you?”
A smile worked its way onto his lips. “That’s my boy.”
As I took a step to return the ice cream to the freezer, I couldn’t help but think about Mia once again. I kind of wished she could’ve been here to see me finally fess up. Until I’d found out what she was dealing with at home, I didn’t know how lucky I was to have a dad like mine. I really wished there was some way I could help her.
“Hey, Dad, one more thing.” I stood in the middle of the living room, the ice cream container numbing my hand. A thought had just occurred to me. “You help addicts get clean, right?”
He looked slightly taken aback by my question, but then he nodded. “Yes, that’s right. I have a list of resources and places to send them to get help. Why?”
I chewed on the inside of my cheek as I considered Mia’s situation. That last thing in the world I wanted to do was upend her life, but she didn’t deserve to live like that. She couldn’t hold everything together by herself. I’d told her she needed people. She needed help. My dad was the kind of person who could give it to her.
“Actually, it’s about my friend,” I said, returning to my seat at the couch.
It didn’t take Dad long to grasp the situation as I told him about Mia and her dad. By the end of our conversation, he’d already dug out a few brochures for his favorite treatment centers. He’d promised to look in on Mia’s dad the next day while I was at school and offer his help.
I went to bed that night, feeling slightly relieved. Yes, I still had to face the consequences of my actions for burning down the school shed. And yes, maybe Mia would hate me forever for interfering in her life. But getting these things off my shoulders had lifted a weight that I hadn’t even realized I’d been carrying.
Maybe I was doomed to never leave the town of Sweet Mountain, but I could hope for a better life for Mia. She didn’t need to carry any of these things alone anymore.
I’d promised to be her person.
And I was going to keep that promise.
21
Mia
I stood outside Mrs. Drake’s doorway early Friday morning, feeling more than ever the weight of what had happened last weekend. Everything was changing so fast. In a matter of weeks, I’d gone from a nobody to a girl with an infamous reputation. But that wouldn’t matter much longer.
It was my last day at Sweet Mountain High.
Mom had offered to let me transfer to a school near her apartment while my dad figured things out. It should’ve been an easy decision. I mean, pretty much everyone hated me here. But I couldn’t help but feel a huge weight of sadness on my shoulders. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. I was supposed to graduate a panther with Raquel. And another part of me still felt like I belonged with Jimmy. Still, the world moved on—and so would I.
“Mia?” Mrs. Drake stood from her desk when I knocked. “I’m so glad to see you.”
I shot her a half-hearted smile. It was nice she still felt that way, even though I was pretty sure she’d gotten an earful from the Principal about the Lindsey Beck article. They were taking down the relationship column for good. No more “Dear Mia.” I’d killed it.
“I just wanted to stop by for a few minutes,” I told her. “I’ve got to finish packing.”
She nodded. “Yes, I heard you were transferring. Are you sure I can’t talk you out of that? Everyone makes mistakes, you know. I made a mistake not reading that article before I published it for you. I’m terribly sorry, Mia.”
“I know, but it wasn’t your fault. I’m the one who’s sorry. I really, really didn’t mean to get you in trouble. I never should’ve written that thing.”
Jimmy had been right. I could’ve just deleted that blog post. Instead, I’d left it up, as if welcoming trouble. Maybe part of me had wanted Lindsey to see it. I wasn’t sure, but either way, I had to take responsibility for my actions. Mrs. Drake smiled warmly at me, and I knew she’d already forgiven me. She really was the coolest teacher at Sweet Mountain High.
“I’m actually here because I have a favor to ask.” I offered her a flash drive. It was identical to the one I’d given Jimmy at the dance, but this one held a new article. I could’ve emailed it, but it had seemed too important not to deliver face-to-face. “I was wondering if you could publish this on the Dear Mia blog before you take it down. I’d be forever grateful.”
Mrs. Drake’s brow wrinkled in a cross of confusion and curiosity as she took the flash drive from my hand and plugged it into her computer. Opening the article, she skimmed through it, her eyes tracing the lines on the screen. As she got to the end, her lips curled into a smile.
“Yes, I think I can do that one last thing for you, Miss Jackson.” She rose from her chair and came over to pull me into a hug. The scent of lavender and verbena filled my nose as I leaned into her brown suede shirt. “We’ll miss you around here. You’re a very talented writer. I know I’ll read you in The New York Times soon. Please don’t ever give up on your dream.”
My eyes filled with tears as I tightened my arms around her waist. No, I would never give up on my dreams, but sometimes dreams did change. And other times, they became refined through fire. I still wanted to become a world-famous journalist, but I’d learned that my actions affected others more than I’d realized. I’d be far more careful chasing after my dreams from this point forward.
“Thanks for giving me my first chance,” I said, stepping back. “I won’t forget it.”
She smiled and sat back down in her chair. “You can thank me in the acknowledgments of your first book. I’ll miss you, Mia.”
“Miss you, too,” I said with a watery smile.
That was it. The end of my to-do list. Time to leave Sweet Mountain High forever.
I was just about to walk back into the hallway, when Lindsey Beck came barging in, her nose glued to her phone. She nearly collided with me, but I managed to sidestep her.
This was the Lindsey I knew. Her hair was back to being perfectly curled, her nails repainted, her clothes from the cover of a magazine. She shot me a nasty frown and then made a beeline for her usual computer.
A huge part of me wanted just to run away. I could’ve. I was literally leaving town. But my heart wouldn’t let me. I lingered in the doorway for a few seconds, chewing on my bottom lip.
“Lindsey, I know you won’t believe it, but since I’m transferring schools, I figure I don’t have anything left to lose. I am sorry for what I said about you.” Her back was turned to me, but I could hear the sigh of disgust coming from her lips. Still, it didn’t stop me from continuing. “I think part of me has always been jealous of you. For what it’s worth, I think you’re a really awesome editor. You’ve made The Prowler something people actually want to read, and that’s hard to do these days. I hope you don’t quit.”
&n
bsp; Her shoulders tensed, and a long moment of silence stretched out between us. I thought she was just going to ignore me, but then she turned and glared at me in typical Lindsey fashion. “I thought about it this weekend, and I came to the conclusion that this paper can’t run without me. Plus, I’m no quitter.”
I smiled. At least there was some good news. The paper would bounce back. For all that I disliked about Lindsey, I couldn’t hate on her talent of running a newspaper. She really was the best. The team would miss her after she graduated. They’d have a hard time filling her expensive designer shoes.
“And for what it’s worth,” she said with a frown. “I think that in time, you could’ve run the paper just as good as me. You’re talented, too, Mia. I shouldn’t have held you back. I should’ve been the one to give you that chance, even if I thought you were the most annoying person in the world. And I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that in the bathroom last week. I know you were just trying to help, in your own, misguided little way.”
That was about as close to an apology as I’d ever expected from an MG like Lindsey Beck. It was like the heavens opened, and angels began to sing. It was a miracle. I wrapped my arms around my torso and smiled gratefully at her.
“Just stay away from advice columns from now on,” she said, her lips twitching in what I could’ve sworn was a smile.
I nodded and waved goodbye to her and Mrs. Drake before leaving the classroom. It was still early, but a few kids dotted the hallways. I needed to get out of there before I ran into the last person in the world who wanted to see me right now.
Jimmy would get all the space he needed. I could only hope that in time, he’d forgive me.
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