by E. Lee Hess
That's when I noticed that Penelope hadn't said anything yet. She was still sitting on the couch and she looked much more serious than the rest of the group. I looked at her with worried eyes and she saw my pain, so she quietly stated, "I would never stop being your friend Holly. I love you and I always will. I'll pray for your happiness. Just make sure you keep God first in your life no matter what." That's when Sophia butted in again, "Yes! And we all know that God loves every part of you, including this part. He made you this way. So please don't believe anyone who says differently." I gave Sophia an appreciative look and squeezed her shoulder. She has always understood me so well, probably better than anyone else in the fantastic five. Looking at Penelope, I could tell that she disagreed with what Sophia said, but she was too sweet to say anything at such a big moment for me. I'm not sure if she will ever truly be ok with this, but I could tell that she will sincerely always be my friend and I'm appreciative of that.
We all shared a group hug and then went back to our plans of watching Christmas movies for the rest of the night. Right now it's technically Saturday (2am to be exact) and I'm writing you this letter from the floor of my apartment where I'm crammed in between my best friends. Karen is snoring and Nora fell asleep with a beer in her hand. It makes me so happy to see that nothing has changed. I'm so excited to share this new part of my life with the greatest people around.
Signed with smiles,
Holly
Chapter 16: 12/10/16
Dear Santa,
The excitement over telling my friends wore off as I packed my bags for home this morning. Nerves took back over. I don't feel right telling my friends that I am gay, but not telling my family. I'm not looking forward to it though. As nervous as I was to tell my friends, I think deep down I knew it would turn out fine. I honestly don't feel that way with my family. It could be fantastic or it could be terrible.
The way my mom has been acting lately is leading me to believe that it is going to be the latter. It seems like all she could talk about today was my future husband and kids. It's like she knows what is coming and is trying to change it. It started from the moment I walked in the door. I dropped my bags in the hallway and my mom automatically said, "It looks like you packed for two! Did you decide to surprise us by bringing someone with you?" She gave me a wink proving that she was hinting at a boy. I sighed and she pushed, "Oh come on Holly. It's not that crazy of a concept."
After this encounter, I locked myself in my room for two hours. I felt bad because I know my mom is just joking around. She has no way of knowing what I am going through and I am continuing to shut her out. By the time I left my room I could tell she felt guilty, but she still didn't drop the subject. "Sorry Holly. I didn't mean to upset you," she said, "I just worry about you. You don't seem as happy as you used to and I'm wondering if you're closing yourself off from that happiness for some reason." Not anymore I thought to myself. She was making a point that she didn't even realize and that was obvious when she added, "So keep your eyes and heart open for that boy who will sweep you right off those pretty little feet of yours."
Luckily, that was the last of the boy conversation for today, but it was enough to prove to me that I need to be honest sooner rather than later. Putting this off isn't going to make anything better. They will have the some reaction whether I tell them now or 5 years from now, so I might as well just go for it.
I decided that I'm going to tell my brother and sister in law first. I'm going over to their house to spend time with them tomorrow and my mom and dad have lunch plans so I know they won't come along. Like I mentioned before, I have high hopes that they won't care. They are very open and accepting people. But again, I just worry about whether it is something they will feel uncomfortable subjecting their kids to.
I have the most amazing family and it would break my heart if this hurts our bond in any way. But it has to be done. They deserve the truth.
Big day tomorrow!
Holly
Chapter 17: 12/11/16
Dear Santa,
If I had known that every coming out experience would go this well, I would have come out years ago! Ok, probably not. But you get the point.
I got to my brother's house around lunch time today. My sister in law had made grilled cheese and soup so we ate that and made small talk. I didn't say too much because I was thinking about how I was going to bring up the subject. I didn't have to think too long because my brother interrupted my thoughts, "What's up with you today Holls? You aren't really talking and you are just sitting here letting your lunch get cold. Are you ok?"
I figured this was as good of time as ever to tell them so I started, "Yeah I'm ok. I just have something I need to tell you and I'm really scared about how you will react. I don't want to do anything that would ruin our relationship." I burst into tears and my sister-in-law rushed over to give me a big hug. "Oh honey," she soothingly cooed as she rubbed my back, "I think we already know."
I pulled back. Am I the most transparent person in the world. "Excuse me?" I muttered through my tears. "Holls," my brother chimed in, "We love you no matter what. If anything, I think you being honest about this is just going to make us closer than ever. So, what is it that you wanted to tell us?"
I was confused. "If you already know, why are you asking?" I questioned. "Because," he pushed me, "this is a big deal and it's important for you to say the words out loud."
"I'm gay," I blurted out hoping that was truly what they were referring too. The smiles on their faces told me it was. "I know you guys are cool with it," I continued, "but does it bother you that your kids are going to be around it? Is it going to bother you that you have to explain things to them if I start bringing a girl around? Will they be ok with this?!" I was going on a rant and my brother just shook his head and turned to my nephew, "Hey buddy. Just so you know Aunt Holl wants to kiss girls!" He put down his grilled cheese so he could give me two thumbs up and with a smile shouted, "Cool!! Me too!" Then my niece joined in. "Me too," she laughed. We all burst into laughter and my brother put his arm around me and sarcastically quipped, "I think they'll survive."
The lightheartedness was cut short when my brother pointed out what I was worried about - that mom and dad probably won't be as cool with it. We spent the day discussing the best way to tell them and my brother and sister-in-law ensured me that they would have my back through it all. We decided that I should just get it over with and tell them tomorrow, that way maybe some of the potential awkwardness will be gone in time for Christmas.
After taking care of that, our conversation became more fun with my brother and sister in law asking me about whether I had anyone special in my life right now and what my type was. My brother told me that he is disappointed that I didn't tell him earlier so we could have checked out girls together. He winked as he said he of course couldn't do that anymore since he already had the most beautiful girl. "But can we please be your wingman and wing woman?" My brother giggled like a little school girl. I breathed a sigh of relief and realized that everything is going to be ok, at least with my brother and sister in law.
No matter what happens tomorrow, it feels good to know I have the support of some of my family.
With love,
Holly
Chapter 18: 12/12/16
Dear Santa,
I am a big baby. There were a few different times today that I just about told my parents and then I chickened out. Hopefully I have more luck tomorrow.
It was a good day though. I started out by making Christmas cookies with my mom. Then we took a walk around the neighborhood to look at Christmas lights. We had a lot of fun together when she wasn't trying to badger me about the future, but it seems the older I get the more time we spend talking about that. Today it wasn't happening so I wanted to enjoy our time. That's why even when my mom gave me the perfect outlet and reminded me that I could tell her anything, I avoided the topic.
When my dad got home from work he asked if
we wanted to go to the diner again. I told you my parents love that place. I agreed and was happy when I heard my brother's family was also coming. It makes me happy anytime we can have our whole family together.
After we arrived and sat down, I saw Jeff and Zoe having what seemed to be the same debate they had the other night - who had to wait on our table. It looked to me like Jeff won the battle when I saw Zoe walking over. I can't say I was disappointed, but I wondered why Jeff wanted to avoid me. Dinner was great and I could have sworn the Zoe was giving me more attention than anyone else. I figured I was imagining it until I got a text from my brother that said, "I thought you told us you don't have a girlfriend." When I looked up at him, he looked at Zoe then me and winked. I could feel myself blushing at the thought that Zoe actually could be showing interest in me, but hoped that my parents didn't notice. Luckily they didn't. They were too distracted by how much they were enjoying their conversation with Zoe. I started to wonder if they would still be this nice to her if she was someone I dated. Then I reminded myself that Zoe hasn't said more than "Can I take your order?" to me so I probably shouldn't fantasize about her officially meeting my parents.
At some point during the meal I texted Jeff because I was bothered that he seemed to avoid our table. This was our conversation:
Me: Did I do something wrong? Why do you and Zoe always battle over who has to take my table?
Jeff: Battle? You really think that is what we are doing? More like the love doctor coaching her before she comes over to you.
Me: Excuse me sir. Is my secret not a secret anymore? What happened to "your secret is safe with me"?
Jeff: I didn't exactly tell her. I just said that I have very good reason to believe that there is a high possibly you could find her attractive.
Me: 1) I never told you I find her attractive. 2) You really suck at keeping important secrets 3) Even if Zoe is gay, she would NEVER find me attractive.
Jeff: 1) You didn't have to. Those eyes say it all. 2) You'll thank me later 3) Are you blind woman?
I started laughing out loud at this response and had to lie to my parents that it was Sophia that I was texting. Saying I was texting the boy working at the diner would have brought up way too many questions.
That is when dinner became exceptionally awkward. I had been so zoned out that I didn't realize that the conversation had shifted to Jeff. My mom was asking Zoe if "the cute waiter" was single and informed Zoe that I am apparently looking for my "knight in shining armor." I could tell Zoe felt uncomfortable as she awkwardly giggled and said she wasn't sure. I could feel my face turning red all over again, but not in a good way this time. I was hoping my brother would back me up, but even he seemed lost for words at this conversation. Luckily my dad doesn't like boy talk when it comes to his "baby girl" so he quickly changed the subject. It didn't matter how quickly it ended though. What my mom said can't be taken back. There is no way Zoe would ever show any interest in me now. I guess I have more important things to worry about now though.
The rest of the night after dinner was spent locked in my room again. I feel bad being so distant, but I don't know how to act right now. I know I have to tell my parents tomorrow. This can't go on any longer.
Hoping for the best,
Holly
Chapter 19: 12/13/16
Dear Santa,
Remember my letter about two weeks ago when I said it was one of the worst days of my life? I was wrong. Today wins by far. I'm so emotionally drained right now that it's hard for me to even form words.
As you've probably already guessed, I came out to my parents today. Let me start from the beginning. I woke up this morning and felt a pull to do it. For some reason, I thought it would be a good idea to do it over breakfast right before my dad left for work. That way, I would only have to deal with one parent today if it turned out badly. I stared at my pancakes and quickly mumbled, "Mom. Dad. I need to tell you something." They both looked at me and I knew it was time. I had a whole speech written out in my head, but the only thing I could get out was "I'm gay."
My mom looked at me in shock and stated matter-of-factly "No you're not." I could see my dad's face turning increasingly more red by the second. "Why would you say something like that?!" He shouted. This is when I went into my pre-made speech about how I always knew and tried to change it, but recently realized I can't.
"You could change this," my mom said, "You just haven't had the right help." By this time, I could barely breathe because I was crying so hard. All I could do was keep saying that I was sorry. My dad didn't say anything. He just sat there with tears running down his face. There is nothing worse than seeing a grown man cry and I felt awful that it was my fault.
After a few minutes, he stood up, grabbed his briefcase, and shouted "You deal with this" at my mom and then left the house slamming the door behind him. My mom stayed surprisingly calm during all of this and then stated, "Now how can I help you overcome this? I love you and we will make this go away together." I know she meant well, but hearing her say this just made me feel angry. I told her I couldn't talk to her and went into my room. I sat in there for hours and my mom never once tried to talk to me. The silence was terrible and I almost would have rather had yelling.
I texted my brother during this time to tell him what was going on. He told me that he would come over right when he got off work to try to talk to my parents.
Around 2:00, I finally left my room and found that my mom had a bunch of articles about "praying the gay away" printed out and sitting on the kitchen counter. I cringed looking at them and thinking about all the self hatred I felt in the past as I tried to do just that. My mom soon walked out and said, "Good I see you're finally ready to talk about getting help." I told her to sit down and explained to her that it wasn't going to happen. I had tried to change myself and it didn't work. This is who I am and this is who I am meant to be and I'm not willing to change that. I think at this point she realized she was fighting a losing battle and she started to cry. She told me she didn't understand why I would make this choice and that I had shattered all her dreams. I didn't know what to say. We just sat there and cried together. My mom eventually stood up and walked back to her room. Now was the time for her to lock herself away.
At 5:30, my brother arrived at our house ready to battle it out with my parents. He coaxed my mom out to the kitchen then sat her down. He explained to her that there was nothing wrong with being gay, I was still the same person, and that he knows that I would not choose this if it was a choice. My mom seemed to stay fairly calm while talking to him, which normally isn't the affect that my brother has on my parents. She explained her concerns and told him that she didn't know where she failed as my mother. I stepped in at this point and reassured her that it had nothing to do with her role as my mother. This would have happened whether she was the perfect mom or the worst mom, and then I reassured her that she was indeed the best. She didn't seem to believe this though so I decided to let it be for now. Then my mom looked at my brother and said, "But what if she goes to Hell for her decisions?" My brother laughed at this and made fun of my mom for suddenly being a devout Christian. Then he said that IF there is a big guy in the sky (something he says to piss my parents off), he's sure that He would accept someone as amazing as me. My mom nodded her head and actually seemed to finally agree with what was being said. She then informed us that she had enough of this talk and needed to go to bed for the night. Please realize that at this point it was only 7:00 and my mom hadn't even eaten.
As she walked off, she informed us, "Oh by the way, your father can't bear to come home tonight so he is staying at the office. You're on your own for dinner. I don't have an appetite."
My brother looked over at me and saw the pain in my eyes so he shouted toward my mom, "You know mom, it doesn't matter how you and dad decide to handle this information because it won't change anything for me. I love Holly and I will support her no matter what. If you can't do that for her, then she
will at least always have my family." My mom surprisingly seemed to smile at this a little. I think it made her happy to see how much my brother cares about me, even if she is not willing to admit it now. She didn't say anything though. She just turned around and kept walking to her room.
"I'm sorry they suck Holls," my brother comforted me, "but I meant what I said. I will always be your number one fan and I will be here in any way you need me. Don't let them get you down. You are perfect the way you are." I have never felt more love for my brother than I did at this moment.
I told him that I would be alright and I was actually going to go to bed too, so he gave me a hug and headed out. Of course, it is now 11:30 and I still haven't fallen asleep. I have been laying in my bed, staring at the ceiling, and wondering what it will be like in the morning.
Wishing for better days,
Holly
Chapter 20: 12/14/16
Dear Santa,
I guess it's technically Thursday since it's past midnight, but since I haven't slept I'm still considering it Wednesday. Today started out promising. I thought things were going to take a turn for the better, but now things are actually worse. Let me fill you in.
I woke up to a text from my dad apologizing for how he acted yesterday. He told me that my news was a shock, but we should have tried to work it out as a family rather than him trying to avoid the situation. He then informed me that he would be home around 2:00 and we would talk things out at this point.
