Were they mad? That wasn’t even funny.
‘Mary walks into town every morning,’ Katie said. She was looking at Eileen, but speaking to Mum. ‘I let her go wherever she wants, so she has some control over her life.’
‘Well, that’s lovely,’ Eileen said. ‘We operate a key worker system here, so your gran can walk into the village any time she fancies.’
‘The sea!’ Mary said, stabbing at the window with a finger. ‘There it is.’
‘Yes,’ Eileen said, ‘you get a very good view from there.’
Never mind the sea. A random village wasn’t the same thing at all. Mary wouldn’t be able to go back to her past in any old place. She needed Bisham, she needed Victory Avenue (the café would have to be avoided until Simona had gone to university), she needed Katie to read out stories from the memory book until they settled back into solid shapes. There was no way some unknown key worker would have the patience or inclination to give Mary her memories back on a daily basis.
They weren’t allowed in any of the bedrooms because residents’ private spaces had to be respected, but one of the rooms had its door open and no one was there, so they stood in a huddle and peered in, which was pretty disrespectful in Katie’s opinion. She tried not to look out of principle, but her eyes were drawn to the cluster of photos on the wall. Someone else’s family spread across the years. She felt the hairs on the back of her neck prickle.
‘There’s an unoccupied room in Beeches Unit,’ Eileen said, ‘so we’ll have a proper look when we get there.’
‘Unoccupied?’ Mum said. ‘I thought there was a waiting list.’
‘It’s one of our respite beds, so it has a separate list handled by social services.’
‘So it might be available?’ Mum was positively beaming. ‘Should I speak to the council?’
Eileen looked doubtful. ‘I imagine they’ve got someone in mind, but you could certainly let your mother’s social worker know you’re interested and they’ll be able to handle any referral.’
Ha! Well, that sounded fantastically complicated and Mary didn’t even have a social worker, so none of that was happening. Mum looked pretty gloomy again, but it served her right.
Eileen whisked a door open. ‘Shall we have a peek in the lounge?’
There were about a dozen people sitting inside. At least half of them were asleep, their heads lolling against the wings of their chairs. Some of them were probably younger than Mary, but they looked older. Even the ones who were awake looked as if they’d been unplugged. The TV was on, but no one was watching it. No one was even talking to anyone else. Maybe it was something to do with their eyes – as if no light was reflected there, or maybe it was because Katie didn’t actually know them, but they seemed like shapeless bags rather than people.
‘Morning, everyone,’ Eileen said cheerily. One woman looked up at her as if she was miraculous – the most interesting thing to happen for hours. Eileen gave her a wave, ‘All right, Nancy?’
Nancy lifted a withered hand. She was so thin, so frail, she looked like a waving skeleton. Katie imagined she might have hollow bones.
‘She’s our longest-serving resident,’ Eileen said. ‘Twelve years you’ve been here, haven’t you, Nance?’ Nancy gave a gummy smile and waved some more.
Twelve! How was it possible to survive so long in a place like this?
‘Shall we go and sit in the car?’ Katie whispered to Mary.
But Mary nudged her away, was chuckling at some crappy TV advert where a cat was running down a hill with a stick in its mouth, pretending to be a dog.
Katie turned to Mum, hoping to give her a look that said they should get away from St Catherine’s as soon as possible. But Mum was asking Eileen about activities and Eileen was getting all animated telling her about their amazing coordinator who ran ‘singing for the brain’ sessions.
Singing? Where was the philosophy club, the ballet company, the troupes of actors? Where were the movie nights? Eileen was going on about visiting hairdressers and chiropodists now, schoolkids who came for tea, a trolley that came round every day with toiletries and chocolate.
Mary had found a seat and was looking longingly at the biscuit tin. Katie wanted her not to be doing that. Katie wanted her to be resistant and full of rage. Mum had clearly arranged to visit in the afternoon on purpose. Mary was always more pliable when her morning energy ran out.
Katie squatted down next to her. ‘Let’s get out of here.’
Mary shook her head. ‘I’m busy.’
Katie deliberately bumped Mum’s arm as she stomped past her and out of the lounge to the corridor. Someone had to show her this was wrong. She leaned against the wall and stared out the window at the view. Not the sea from here, but green fields, trees, a few scattered sheep. Dull, dull, dull. Katie checked her phone to see if this place even had a signal. Two bars. Not brilliant, but enough to have got a text from Jamie.
STILL OK 4 MOVIE?
She texted back, YES.
She wrote a text to Esme after that, THRD DATE WTH JAMIE. EXCITED! She wanted Esme to know she wasn’t ‘weirdly in love’ with her or relying on her ‘for everything’. She pressed send and it swooped away.
Only a few seconds later she got a reply: WE NEED TO SPK. CALL ME.
Not Esme, but an unknown number. Katie felt the heat of a blush sweep her face. Simona.
‘Ah, there you are,’ Mum said, coming out of the lounge with Eileen and Mary in tow.
Katie turned her phone off and rammed it in her pocket and zipped the pocket shut.
‘We’re off to look at Sycamores’ dining room,’ Mum said. ‘Then a quick cup of tea in the office. That all right with you?’
It sounded like torture. And what was Eileen doing with her arm linked through Mary’s? And why did Mary have two cookies in her hand? Eileen must’ve given them to her as a bribe. Katie gave Mary a fierce look, but she just twinkled a smile as she walked past.
‘We try to keep the menu varied,’ Eileen said, pointing out a whiteboard on the wall as they passed the dining room. ‘And we source most ingredients locally.’
‘Shepherd’s pie today,’ Mum said with a nod at Mary. ‘And plenty of cakes, look. Lemon drizzle, Victoria sponge … see them written up there?’
‘All home-made,’ Eileen said.
‘Well, I do like a cake,’ Mary agreed. She turned to Eileen and patted her arm affectionately. ‘I don’t know how you find the time.’
Mum and Eileen smiled at that, like Mary was just so cute for thinking Eileen did all the cooking. And Mary grinned back at them, because she liked people thinking she was funny.
‘She hates fish pie,’ Katie said. ‘And salad.’
‘Never could abide salad,’ Mary agreed. ‘I’m not a rabbit.’
‘I’m sure there are alternatives,’ Mum said. Her voice held a warning, but Katie chose to ignore it.
‘Last time we went to the café, you had jerk chicken, didn’t you, Mary?’
Mary looked enchanted. ‘Did I?’
‘I think,’ Katie said, ‘you might actually throw up if you ate liver and bacon.’
‘That’s enough,’ Mum said. She said it quietly, like she meant it.
‘Now,’ Eileen said, ‘this is a typical bathroom.’ She swung open a door and encouraged Mary to peer in.
Mum lagged back. ‘Why are you being like this?’ she hissed at Katie.
‘Like what?’
‘Rude and disrespectful.’
Katie shrugged. She could say the same about Mum last night – all that hurtful stuff she’d said to Mary. If she wanted to start making accusations, she should be careful.
‘Oh, for goodness sake!’ Mum said. ‘It’s the silent treatment now, is it? I really don’t need this.’ And she huffed off to look at the bathroom.
It was enormous, completely covered in white tiles. The hoist was pointed out, the walk-in bath, the raised toilet seat, the handrails and emergency cord. Mary stared at that for a long time – it had a little
red winking light where it joined the ceiling.
‘If someone’s not a fan of water,’ Mum asked, ‘how do you manage?’
This was code for Mary hates washing. Eileen clearly understood because she launched into a complex explanation about the balance between a client’s autonomy and their best interests. As she moved off down the corridor with Mum to the next set of swing doors, Katie waited with Mary. The winking light had hypnotized her and Katie knew why.
She took Mary’s hand. She knew what she was about to do was wrong, but Mary had been seduced by sugar and the buzz of new things. She couldn’t see the danger and Katie was her advocate.
‘When Jack had his heart attack, you pulled the alarm cord, didn’t you, Mary?’
Mary looked astonished. ‘Jack had a heart attack?’
‘I’m so sorry, Mary. He fell over on the landing and he called your name and you went to help him. He always told you not to touch the cord, but that day he asked you to pull it. You were a hero, Mary. You got the ambulance to come.’
It was obvious from the pain in Mary’s eyes that she remembered. Katie felt terrible hurting her like this. ‘And now you live with us in Bisham and you often see Jack about the place.’ Katie gently squeezed Mary’s hand, noticed for the hundredth time how thin her skin was. ‘I’m sorry, I don’t want to upset you, but if you live here, Jack won’t know where to find you any more. So I think you should tell Mum you want to stay with me. Tell Caroline you want to stay with Katie, OK?’
Right on cue, Mum appeared through the swing doors. ‘You two got stuck?’
Katie shook her head. ‘Mary’s had enough.’
‘Come and look at the garden,’ Mum said. ‘It’s really lovely.’
‘Yes, come and see,’ Eileen said, coming up behind Mum. ‘We even grow our own runner beans.
But Mary wasn’t interested in runner beans. Mary’s eyes were locked into Katie’s. Katie had never seen her look so terrified – not even when she first came to stay and didn’t know any of them. This fear looked like it came from somewhere deep inside, somewhere primitive that she’d just been given access to. And Katie had done this to her.
‘I’m sorry, Mary,’ she whispered. ‘I’m so sorry. It’s just that no one else knows you’re amazing. Only I know. And I don’t want to lose you. Good things happen when you’re around.’
Mum came scurrying closer. ‘What’s going on?’
Mary scrabbled at her. ‘How can I leave without saying goodbye? Why would you make me?’
Katie watched something dark flicker across her mother’s face. ‘I’m not making you do anything,’ she said. ‘We’re just having a look around the care home to see if you like it.’
‘But I’m helping. Steve wrote to me and I’m helping. I don’t want to go.’
Mum shot Katie the weirdest look in the world – furtive and searching – as if she was checking: You’re not getting this, are you?
Katie kept her face utterly deadpan, pretending she wasn’t even listening. But Mary knew Dad’s name. Mary said Dad had written to her. Was that just a mad coincidence?
Tears spilled from Mary’s eyes. Katie took her hand again and stroked it with her thumb, over and over. She felt as if she would rasp down to the bone. But she wanted to make up for what she had done, wanted Mary to know she was loved, that Katie would take care of her, that no one was going to rip this family apart again.
Mum took off her glasses and rubbed at her eyes as if she had grit in them. ‘We should go.’ She turned to Eileen. ‘Do you have any literature? An application form we can take away? Perhaps a price list?’
Eileen nodded. ‘Reception has those. We’ll get them on the way out.’ She leaned across and rubbed Mary’s sleeve. ‘I’m sorry you didn’t get to see our lovely garden. Maybe another time, eh?’
Twenty-seven
Jamie appeared from the side street and surprised her. He was breathless as if he’d been running. Katie found it difficult to meet his eyes.
‘I was trying to get here first,’ he said.
‘Sorry, I was early.’
‘I didn’t want you buying the tickets.’
‘I haven’t.’
He grinned. ‘Is that because you thought I wouldn’t turn up?’
That hadn’t even crossed her mind, but the idea seemed to make him happy, so she nodded. He’d texted her three times that day already, so she’d known he was going to show. She hadn’t bought the tickets because she was worried about leaving Chris in charge of Mary. He hadn’t seemed to mind and he swore on his life he wouldn’t tell Mum, but she’d have to turn her phone off inside the cinema, and even if she left it on vibrate she wouldn’t be able to answer if he rang.
‘Listen,’ she said. ‘Are you sure about the movie? It doesn’t sound much like a boy’s film to me.’
‘I don’t mind.’
‘No car chases, no guns … ?’
‘It’s fine.’ He opened the door for her. ‘Also, it’s buy one, get one free, which makes you an incredibly cheap date.’
She laughed, even though she didn’t mean to. ‘You know it’s in French and it’s got subtitles?’
‘Absolument!’ His gaze was clear and kind as he smiled down at her. ‘You will let me know if I’m trying too hard here, won’t you?’
She’d forgotten he was funny. Why did she keep forgetting that? ‘Let’s go halves at least.’
He shook his head. ‘You pay next time.’
Next time? There was going to be a next time? Well, that was good, because today she was going to let him kiss her again. They hadn’t even held hands on the walk round the park or the time they went for a coffee, but if Katie was going to move forward and stop thinking about Simona and stop being freaked out every time she texted: U HVNT CALLED (five times now), then kissing Jamie happened next. At the party she’d been drunk, but today she was totally sober and there was going to be proper, full-throated snogging.
Jamie went over to the ticket machine in the corner and pulled up the menu. He looked very confident doing it. Perhaps he’d done it before for other girls on other dates. She was surprised to feel a stab of envy.
She stood by the wall and pretended to be interested in the movie posters. She picked up a leaflet and skimmed through it, but couldn’t concentrate, so folded it and put it in her pocket. She went to the window and looked at the world out there. The pavement was busy with people. Grey cloud hung low in the sky. It wouldn’t rain though – it hadn’t rained properly for ages. Every day it looked as if it would, and it never did. Tomorrow would be hot and muggy again. And the next day.
As Jamie walked back with the tickets, Katie almost believed in God because Jamie was carrying a big tub of popcorn and two Cokes and it made her want to cry with just how lovely it was to have this level of kindness thrust upon her.
If they carried on dating, she’d be able to say the words my boyfriend in sentences. I went with my boyfriend to the cinema and he paid for everything. My boyfriend is very generous. Esme would stop thinking she was weird and invite her to hang out. She’d be included when the girls did each other’s makeup or braided each other’s hair, and when they walked round school together with their arms linked or did work in the library with their heads touching. Katie would at last be able to take a shower after PE without feeling shame.
They sat in the middle of an almost empty cinema. Katie switched her phone off and shoved it in her pocket. Sod it. What was the worst thing that could happen? Chris was fourteen and definitely sensible enough to manage Mary for a while. Jamie switched his phone off too. It was like they were agreeing to be on a desert island together, even if it was only for an hour and a half. He pulled out a glasses case and made an apologetic face as he showed her the frames.
‘They’re only for screens and driving,’ he whispered.
She didn’t know he could drive. She barely knew anything about him, in fact. ‘They suit you.’
How easy he was to please. If you said nice things, he grinned as
if he’d won a prize. She smiled back at him and tried to think of other compliments to make him happy, but the lights went up briefly and then dimmed.
‘Here we go,’ he said.
There were trailers for forthcoming movies, for snacks and local businesses and other things coming on at the arts centre. In the dark, Jamie’s knee pressed against her leg. She wondered if he knew this.
‘Aren’t you hot?’ Katie whispered, because she couldn’t think of anything else to say and she wanted to let him know about his knee.
‘Hot?’ Jamie said and he shone his teasing smile at her. ‘Do I look hot?’
He meant something else by it. He was more confident today than he’d been the other times, which meant he was doing the leg thing on purpose.
‘It’s boiling in here,’ she said, ‘and you’ve still got your hoodie on.’
‘Better take it off then.’ He shrugged it off and laid it on the chair next to him. She wondered if he’d do anything she suggested.
Mary said that in any relationship one person does the chasing and the other does the running away. ‘With Jack,’ she said, ‘I let him chase me until I caught him.’ It had made them all laugh, even Mum, but then Mary had gone on to say that she thought she must have a secret powerful magnet hidden inside her because even when she was with Jack, men were drawn towards her.
‘Because you led them on,’ Mum snapped. ‘Take some responsibility for once.’
Maybe she was thinking about Dad and the night she’d discovered he had a girlfriend. ‘You’re ten years older than her!’ she’d yelled. ‘You’re making a fool of yourself.’ He’d raised both hands as well as his eyebrows, as if to say, ‘What can I do?’ as his girlfriend’s secret magnet dragged him out the door.
Katie had a grandmother who was a man-eater and a father who was a lothario. What chance did she have of being decent and honest and kind? She’d kissed two girls and one boy in the space of a few weeks, so these things were clearly genetic. And that must be why she was leading Jamie on right now. Because he was pressing his knee against her leg again and she wasn’t stopping him.
Unbecoming Page 24
