by Lisa Young
She squeezed her eyes shut and attempted to concentrate, as Pru persistently banged the gong, much to Lottie’s rising irritation. How did she manage to turn a supposedly soothing gong into such an unpleasant din? Seemingly oblivious to Lottie’s annoyance, Pru barked out instructions for the group to get comfortable on the thin mats, while she sat resplendent on her luxurious version.
Lottie carefully lowered herself into a semi-reclining position, trying to train her line of sight on Pru, keen to observe the technical processes as closely as possible, in the hope that she could replicate them at home. Pru was rocking rhythmically while gently stroking the edge of her feathery cape with one hand and striking the gong with the other. Lottie fought her irritation and tried to allow the noise to wash across her as she leaned back to a horizontal position. Conscious of the scratching noise of the mat which adjusted under her weight, she desperately attempted to remain serene as she shuffled her bottom cautiously. Suddenly there was a noisy clattering of coins as they slid from her unzipped pocket and hit the polished wooden floor. She grabbed at the open pocket, but only in time to save the remaining few coins from hitting the floor. The others rolled bravely in the direction of Pru.
Lottie felt a prickle of heat and embarrassment making her cheeks pink as she reluctantly cast her gaze in the direction of Pru, whose beady eyes glared accusingly back at her. Several titters came from the surrounding mats, and she fumbled clumsily to grab the coins closest to her before shoving them quickly back into her pocket, where she secured the zip firmly. Fighting the humiliation, she tried to refocus on Pru’s resumed commentary.
“So, we’ve explored and become aware of the parts of our body, focusing on our breathing. Now feel the breath come naturally through your body, slowly, peacefully…”
Lottie breathed deeply, feeling the rise and fall of her chest and the gentle warmth of the air as it escaped through her nostrils.
In and out.
The breath left her body. Her mind wandered but, as instructed, she carefully brought it back to sound of her own breathing. The soothing rhythm of the act of breathing as it left and returned to her body left her in awe of the natural ability of the human mind.
Pru once again reminded the group not be distracted or anxious about the wandering mind.
“Just bring it gently back to your breathing. Acknowledge the thoughts and then let them pass calmly from your mind. Notice how each breath you exhale, leaves your body and enters into the world, carrying your problems and worries with it.”
Lottie inhaled sharply, her rhythm disturbed. She hadn’t been thinking about her medley of worries, but now that Pru had mentioned it, her mind became distracted and started racing as issues surfaced—her cat-sitter problem, Robbie’s new relationship, whether Alice would remember not to leave the hair straighteners on. Alice didn’t have many faults, but this was one of the few.
“Come on, Lottie, focus, focus!” she counselled herself, but to no avail. Pictures of her parents flashed before her, the divorce, the custody issues, and the mountain of unopened e-mails which crowded her inbox at work.
She sighed loudly, again attracting a disapproving glare from the exasperated Pru.
Unsettling Times
THE FOLLOWING SUNDAY, cruising idly through her emails, Lottie picked through the endless list of junk mail until an e-mail from a tutor she had contacted to help Archie with his English classes caught her eye. Clicking it open, she quickly scanned the details confirming an appointment with the tutor, Maddie, for the next day, offering an initial meeting to discuss her proposed curriculum.
“Babe, the tutor got back to me. She’s happy to help with Archie’s English and she’s coming tomorrow teatime.”
“Uh huh,” responded a distracted Alice who was studiously basting a delicious roast.
Convinced that Archie’s dyslexia, which was becoming increasingly evident since he had started the last year of primary school, would not get the professional assistance he needed once he was at senior school, Lottie had decided that intervention was needed. She had pondered the inevitable battle to get him to accept help, before she belatedly wandered into the kitchen to offer help with dinner.
Alice considered the problem of engaging Archie in the plan. “At the end of the day, babes, he’s going to have to work with
her. Where did you find her? Is she vetted?”
Lottie nodded in assent. Aware of the horror stories about home tutors, she had purposely picked a female tutor, and hoped that Archie would make the most of the opportunity to catch up before he was too far behind.
Odie waddled through the kitchen, following his nose towards the smell of the basted lamb, and looked expectantly at his owner.
“You’ll be lucky!” Alice winked at him, before accidentally dropping a chunk of the delicious meat, which never reached the floor but was caught mid-air by the alert and ravenous hound.
Alice listened as Lottie thought aloud about the difficulty she was going to have convincing Archie that this was in his best interests.
“The trouble is, the school say he’s already a year behind. If we don’t get on top of it now it’s only going to get worse.”
Alice nodded in support, as she juggled a steaming hot pan of gravy with freshly-made mint sauce. The smell was making Lottie salivate and she postponed the discussion, offering to be the taste tester before being sent to set the table.
“NO!” SAID ARCHIE through a mouthful of the tender meat. Alice sighed and busied herself with clearing the table, deferring to Lottie’s parental status and silently hoping that she would assert her authority with Archie.
Lottie was fast losing her patience. Archie had evidently hit the pre-teen roadshow with some speed and had strong opinions which often didn’t sit well with her.
“Look, this is what we’ll do—let’s get her here tomorrow and meet her, see what she’s got to say and then we’ll take it from there.” Her voice, she noticed was a little too falsetto at the end of the sentence, reflecting her feeble attempt to cajole him into submission.
“Okay, right!” The emphasis on the t spat at her was a clear signal that the conversation was now finished.
Alice peered round the door to give Lottie a subtle thumbsup before collecting the still salivating sausage dog for his evening walk.
Archie stomped up the stairs and the loud slam of his bedroom door confirmed that the battle was only postponed. Lottie hoped he would keep his cheekiness in check long enough for her to get Maddie to sign on the dotted line.
Making the most of the peace and quiet, she tapped in the number provided on the e-mail and a few short rings later, a voice purred down the line. “Hey, it’s Maddie.”
Lottie drew in her breath. “Christ!” she muttered, not realising she’d said it aloud.
The tutor’s voice oozed sensuality and Lottie felt an involuntary shiver run up her spine. As she froze, she registered a confident chuckle with a hidden silky undertone. “Ha! Christ on a Sunday, well that’s original. Not religious myself, but hey, if that’s what does it for you!” Maddie purred.
Lottie spluttered, aware that she was making a complete fool of herself. She cleared her throat and announced herself as formally as she could manage. “Hi Maddie, this is Lottie, Archie’s mum. We’ve e-mailed, and I was just ringing to confirm our appointment tomorrow.”
Maddie sighed with satisfaction, and Lottie was having trouble keeping her mind on the conversation. This wasn’t going to plan! Why was this stranger having such a profound effect on her?
Anxious not to make a complete fool of herself, she decided to concentrate on managing her breathing as Maddie easily took control of the conversation to finalise the arrangements.
She ended the call insistently. “It’ll be a pleasure, sweetie. So looking forward to meeting you both.” Without waiting for Lottie to get out her goodbye, she hung up.
Drawing a deep breath, Lottie was aware of the warmth which involuntarily flow
ed through her body, and absentmindedly she stroked the phone. There was something deeply sexual about Maddie and she felt quite disturbed by it. She cleared her throat and hoped that at that same time it would help to clear the intrusive sexual thoughts she was having.
Recovering herself, Lottie chuckled at the irony of her reaction and imagined the likely reality that Maddie would be a middle-aged frump, as so many of the Highland teaching community were. Comforted by this thought she headed for the kitchen to clear up the dinner mayhem.
WHEN LOTTIE LEFT work for the short drive home the following afternoon, her thoughts returned to her impending meeting with the tutor. She thought she had successfully dispelled the thoughts of the previous day, but had suddenly become strangely nervous. Being affected in this way by a complete stranger had shaken Lottie, who prided herself on being intuitive when it came to people.
As a child she had been innately shy and socially awkward, and always highly anxious in social situations. She had honed her skills in reading people as a way of avoiding embarrassment in these circumstances, and she had learned how to present with false confidence. Through her early teens and into adulthood she had successfully masqueraded as a straight woman and these skills had become finely tuned, hiding in full sight of both her family and her friends for many years. Through the latter years of her marriage she had met a few women towards whom she had felt a strong physical and emotional attraction, but these were feelings she hadn’t followed through because of a sense of loyalty to her family unit. Nevertheless, the strong physical attraction she experienced would, at times, literally leave her breathless. Much like the feelings she seemed to be experiencing now. There was no doubt in her mind that when she had met Alice she was attracted to her on many levels and that sense of strong physical connection was established even before they had begun to date.
Since she had been immersed in their blossoming relationship she had given little thought to any sort of attraction to other women. She was sure that she hadn’t wanted it, or noticed it, until now.
Parking in the tight pull-in at the front of the cottage, Lottie noticed an unfamiliar vehicle parked some way up the road. Keen to get in and clear away the breakfast dishes before Maddie arrived, Lottie juggled her lunch bag and her keys to open the front door. A car door slammed and Lottie turned, key in lock, to observe a woman get out of the parked car and walk confidently the short distance down the street towards her. Lottie silently observed the tutor approaching her. Athletic in stature, she wore a figure-hugging gray pinstriped trouser suit, with crisp white shirt cuffs showing beneath the jacket. The tight fitted shirt skirted the outline of her small pert breasts and a small pendant necklace disappeared into the depths of the high collar. As she walked, the light caught her cufflinks which glinted, and Lottie noticed she had one hand casually tucked into her trouser pocket emphasising her slender hips.
Still frozen on the door step, Lottie checked herself for any form of gormless expression which might give away her thrill at seeing the woman she observed. She plastered a toothy smile onto her face and gave an over-eager wave in the direction of the stranger. In return, the Amazonian beauty gave a curt nod, a smile teased around her lips and her bright blue eyes sparkled as the light caught them. Lottie felt her mouth go dry, desperate for lubrication before she was expected to hold a conversation with the woman she was now sure must be Maddie. She swallowed, regretting it instantly as her cheeks stuck to her teeth.
Maddie was now at her side, and Lottie felt heady as the breeze brought the subtle scent of her perfume, teasing her heightened senses. Unable to muster any verbal welcome, she silently ushered Maddie into the living room. Instantly making herself at home, Maddie deposited her slender form onto the sofa and tucked a slim leg neatly underneath her.
Lottie dashed into kitchen, and dipping her head directly underneath the tap, she greedily glugged the cool tap water. “Tea?” she called. Without waiting for a reply, she hastily boiled the kettle.
Silently, she berated herself. Get a fucking grip! She sucked in two deep breaths and ran a hand though her hair before joining Maddie in the living room, carefully choosing the opposite chair to avoid the intoxicating allure of Maddie’s musky scent. The same wry smile played around Maddie’s lips as she eyed Lottie with a mixture of interest and amusement. Maddie ran a finger sensuously along the rim of the mug of tea and Lottie noticed how strong her hands looked, as she was entranced by the finger as it circled the mug. Catching herself, she hastily averted her eyes.
Maddie confidently surveyed her surroundings and her eyes stopped at the spilling-over bookcase beside her. Reaching in to pluck a paperback by Patricia Highsmith entitled The Price of Salt, she flicked through the pages with those same sensual fingers— she seemed to be reliving a memory and she closed her eyes for a moment with her hand resting lightly on the front of the book.
Seizing on the opportunity to break the pregnant silence, Lottie mumbled. “Oh, yes, really good book that. It was made into a film, you know.” Without waiting for a response, she gabbled onward. “The film was called Carol, a good lesbian story, with a happy ending for once!” She drew a breath clumsily as Maddie peered at her with curious intensity.
Avoiding eye contact, Lottie nevertheless felt the scorching glare of Maddie’s scrutiny and struggled to maintain her composure as she continued. “It’s my partner’s book actually. She loves it, she’s got the film as well…” Her voice trailed lamely. Staring intensely at the coffee table between them, Lottie was aware of a movement on the other side of the room.
The presence of the musky scent alerted her to the close presence of Maddie. Swallowing noisily, she looked up and Maddie handed her the book, and as she silently took it their hands brushed briefly. Lottie felt an unwelcome shiver of anticipation.
“A great love of mine once had the same book. We said it was our story,” Maddie offered, smiling, before returning to her seat.
Lottie nodded carefully, and feeling more assured, she ventured. “Did it have a happy ending?”
As soon as she had asked the question, a shadow crossed Maddie’s face. “Sadly not. One of the few regrets of my life actually.” For a fleeting moment, she looked vulnerable.
Lottie was mortally embarrassed, and silently berated herself for asking such an intrusive question. What right had she to ask such a personal question to a complete stranger?
Maddie reached for her bag and Lottie felt immediate panic and a sense of disappointment that she was going to leave.
“Shall we have a look at my plan for Archie and take it from there?” Maddie offered, resuming a cool professionalism.
Frustratingly, Lottie found she was keen to hear more of the sensuous tones of this woman, and so she nodded a silent assent as she allowed Maddie to outline a term’s worth of lesson plans for her son. At the rhythmic intonation of the tutor’s voice, Lottie became aware that her own hands were ever so slightly trembling and that there was a warmth through her entire body, despite the chill in the room. Clasping her clammy hands together she tried to concentrate on the teaching outline, vaguely catching snippets of the one-way conversation as she mentally battled with her instinctive reaction to the undeniably striking woman sitting before her.
Catching a look at the clock she noted forty-five minutes had elapsed, and there was still no sign of Archie. She tutted loudly, wondering where on earth he had got to. Clearly, he was avoiding meeting Maddie, but right now she could do with a grounded motherhood check. Maddie paused at the sound of the tutting and raised a perfectly manicured eyebrow in question. Anxious to reassure Maddie that it hadn’t been the content of her sessions that had raised her disapproval, she explained that Archie was a little reluctant to engage, but that she hoped that when they had met he would become more enthused.
“Don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll warm to me. They usually do,” she stated before winking at Lottie as she packed away her paperwork. “Why don’t I swing by again tomorrow, and we’ll get sta
rted. Is that okay?”
Lottie nodded, although a cold misery had crept into her mind. She waved goodbye to Maddie before purposely closing the door, determined not to watch her walk up the street. She sank onto the nearest available seat, feeling horribly conflicted about her disloyalty to Alice. Dear, sweet Alice. She felt as if she had virtually cheated! She mentally shook herself, this was all because she was in a settled relationship.
“Relationship jitters, that’s all it is,” she said aloud as she tried to convince herself. A smile broke out as she realised the irony of the tutor’s surname, Jitters. Feeling slightly reassured that she had identified the source of her unsettled feelings, she decided that she needed to do her own version of grounding and picked up the phone to check in with Alice, determined to cook her favourite pasta bake for tea as her own form of penance.
Crushed
ALICE LEFT FOR work early the next morning. Conscious that she was about to take some time off for the Paris trip, she was attempting to get ahead of the few things she could forward plan at her practice. Today was a mass vaccination day and she anticipated a surgery full of mewling kittens and rambunctious puppies.
Lottie had been out of sorts the previous night she concluded, after having a very strained conversation about the tutor. She didn’t feel any the wiser about how they were going to tackle Archie’s school issues. His resistance was palpable and she felt that Lottie was going to have a battle on her hands. She rarely interfered in any parenting issues, but she felt she needed to raise this with Lottie later, after Archie had collared her on the landing early that morning and pleaded for her assistance. She agreed with him that the final terms of primary school were just that, time for kids to unwind and get past that school year before embarking on the next level up. She accepted that Archie had issues which needed to be addressed, but she was convinced that these could easily wait until the next school year.
