by Nella Tyler
I scowled at that, sitting back in my chair to put some distance between us. “I’ve dated.”
“You haven’t had any long term relationships, Carter. And I can’t say that I blame you, after what you grew up witnessing.”
“You make it sound like my childhood was so terrible,” I said, instead of saying that I’d pined after Sophia for years, burning a candle for her until she’d snuffed out my chances with her by sucking all of the oxygen out of the room. I’d been struggling to breathe ever since. “Like it damaged me so badly I can’t make a relationship work.”
“I didn’t say that.”
But he had. And what was worse, it was kind of true. Only it didn’t have anything to do with how things had gone between him and Mom…or at least, I didn’t think it did. This was mostly due to the smoking wreckage of my friendship with Sophia, a friendship I’d always secretly hoped would turn into something more.
“Maybe I’m just waiting for the right woman,” I said, defensively.
Dad lifted his eyebrows slightly, the look in his eyes getting even more insistent. “How long are you willing to wait, son? If you don’t jump at an opportunity when it presents itself, you might not get another chance.”
“I’m twenty two, Dad. I’m not in any hurry.” But at my age, my parents had already been dating for several years, having met each other at some freshman social the first week of college. Sophia’s parents met in high school. Compared to them, I was way behind. But, then, I’d found the girl I hoped to spend my life with in preschool. Unfortunately, she hadn’t ended up feeling the same way about me.
“I just don’t want you to miss out on something that could be amazing. That’s all I’m saying.” He opened his hands, like he was trying to show me he didn’t have anything hidden up his sleeves. He did that whenever he was communicating how open he was, that he was getting as real as he could with me. “It might mean taking a chance. It might even mean being rejected.”
I’d already learned lesson that the hard way. I didn’t know how many times I had to have a woman who should have cared about me just walk away without a word or an apology. I really didn’t want to risk it happening again.
“But it’s worth it,” Dad continued, his lips curving into a small smile. “Despite what you think, I don’t regret marrying your mother. I’m sorry things were so difficult for so long, and that they ended the way they did, but I enjoyed so many things about the years we spent together. And, we created you, which was the best thing we managed to do.”
He barked a nervous laugh as I shook my head at the over-the-top sappiness. It wasn’t the first time he’d said something like that.
“I’m in a place in my life right now where I finally feel ready to embark on this new adventure with Alice. I hope you can find a way to be okay with that. I’m very happy with her, and she seems to feel the same way I do.”
I took a deep breath and exhaled fully before I answered him. The moment had passed to tell him about the mess with Sophia and how much it had fucked over my head in the years since the end of our friendship. I swallowed it back, the way I always did.
“I don’t have a problem with you marrying Ms. Ray,” I said. “She’s a nice lady. I always thought of her as a kind of second mom, and she really helped me after Mom left. I’m glad you found someone that makes you happy.”
He smiled, his entire body relaxing at the sound of those words. “Well, okay then. I’m glad we talked this out.”
I forced a more convincing smile. “Me, too.”
Dad dug into his cooling omelet, the smile still on his face as mine faded slowly. I started to demolish my breakfast mechanically — there was no way I could leave this table without cleaning my plate, not unless I wanted Dad to conduct another probe into just what the hell was actually wrong with me.
As I ate, my thoughts turned slowly in the direction of Sophia, the way they always did these days when nothing else was going on around me. Maybe Dad was right. I’d never put myself out there after the trauma of losing my best friend. As difficult as I imagined it would be at first, if I didn’t start doing something different soon, I was going to be stuck traveling the same unhappy circles I’d been trapped in for the last three years.
Dad had taken the chance to capture happiness. If he could do it after going through the ordeal that life with Mom had become, so could I.
Sophia
Later That Same Morning
Mom had been downstairs for hours, singing along to whatever she had going on the radio and baking enough muffins to feed an army. I hadn’t seen her this happy in years. It was actually kind of cute.
If it was anyone but John Mills, I would be ecstatic for her, but I just couldn’t feel much past a stubborn dread so heavy, it was difficult to keep from collapsing onto the floor in a sobbing heap. Add to that another night of uneasy nightmares and not enough sleep, and that made it that much harder to prepare for the challenges that were going to present themselves today. I didn’t want a muffin, but had a feeling I’d be forced to down at least one while Mom watched, carefully trying to pick me apart to see what was off with me. Lacey had asked after my frenzied mood after I returned the night before with my snacks from the grocery store, but I’d just barreled past her to my room upstairs to eat the hell out of my feelings, washing them down with a lukewarm bottle of root beer. For the first time in years, I’d locked my door, collapsed onto my bed, and bawled my eyes out.
Not quite ready to face the prying eyes of the rest of my family, I sat down at my old desk and fired up my laptop. I had work emails I should go through, but, instead, I went to my personal email account, which I’d had since high school. I clicked on a folder marked Old Stuff. It contained hundreds of emails, every single one that I’d ever sent to or received from Carter. There were some I’d just moved over to the folder without even reading them first. I clicked open one I’d read hundreds of times over the last three years. It was from right before Carter realized what I was doing, that I’d created new social media accounts — another Facebook page, Twitter handle, and Instagram account — just so I could abandon the ones he knew about, leaving him completely out of the loop. This was only a few weeks short of my cutting off all forms of communication. It had been difficult but, in the end, I handled it the same way I would remove a Band-Aid, just pulling it off quickly and never looking back.
I hunched over the computer screen, tapped open the email, and began to read.
Hi, Soph! I haven’t heard from you in a few days. That must mean you’re crazy busy. I hardly have time to do much of anything in between classes, working at the bookstore, and the grueling track practices I’m attending. This is just conditioning for the upcoming season. For some reason, it needs to start in January! Talk about legalized torture! Here I thought running in high school was bad, but I don’t really have a choice if I want to keep this part of my scholarships.
What have you been up to? I miss hanging out every day the way we used to. Maybe I should have applied to Cornell! Doubt I would’ve gotten in, though. Really, you should’ve come to UW. This’ll just be a short email. My shift at the store starts in fifteen minutes, and it takes ten to get down there. I love you, SR! I’ll text you from work. –CM
I wiped at my puffy, burning eyes, but they were dry. I’d cried out every ounce of moisture my body contained the night before. I went to the next email. I had no idea why I was torturing myself like this, but it felt like something I needed to do — my own private penance — so I opened this message and began to read it. This one was from a few days after the last one.
I tried calling you yesterday, but you never seem to answer your phone anymore. Is everything okay? I even called your mom! She said everything was fine with you and that she’d just spoken to you the day before.
I’m just going to come out tell you what’s been bothering me over the last few weeks since Christmas break ended. It felt like everything was off between us. Don’t get me wrong, it was great to see you. Ama
zing, actually. I’ve missed your smile and all your corny jokes so much. But didn’t it seem like we weren’t clicking the way we usually do? I don’t know what was going on, but maybe that’s why you aren’t writing or calling me back?
I’m at a loss, Soph. I’ve never felt this kind of distance between us. Call me when you get this, okay? Just so I know you’re alright. If I did something, let me know. You know I’d never purposely do anything to hurt you. I love you more than anyone and everything, even apple pie!
School is the same. I feel like dying at the end of every preseason track practice, but I’m getting stronger, too. You should see my muscles. I actually have them now! The coach puts us through weight training, as well as work on the track. I hate to message and run, but I have to get to a study group. If you’re busy, just tell me and I’ll buzz off (for now; you can’t get rid of me that easily!). I’ll talk to you soon, I hope! Lots of love and love and love.
Before I could think better of it, I opened the next email in the series, from the following week. By this point, I’d completely cut off communication with him. In between emails were the dozens of text messages that went unanswered and more missed calls than I cared to remember, underscored by voicemails that I deleted without listening to. Hearing his voice would have been too much.
Sophia, what’s going on? Is something wrong? I don’t understand why you won’t reply to an email or shoot over a text message to let me know how you’re doing. I’m really worried about you. I’d call your mom, but she seemed really weirded out the last time I did that. Did I do something wrong? That’s the only thing I can think of that might keep you from talking to me, even though that’s never happened in all the years we’ve known each other.
Please let me know that you’re okay. If you need me to leave you alone for a little while, tell me. I don’t understand why you would need that, but I’ll respect your decision if that’s what you need. Please, Soph. I’m going crazy over here. We’re best friends, remember? You can tell me anything. Even if it’s bad. I miss you so much.
My eyes weren’t dry anymore. I still had some moisture left in my wrung out, depleted body, after all. I wiped my eyes and opened the next email, from the week after the last one.
Again, there had been dozens of texts and Facebook messages before I deleted that account for good, continuing on with a private one that he had no access to. He’d called several times and even broke down and reached out to Mom. She’d called and told me that she didn’t know what was going on between Carter and me, but he seemed scared and I should call him as soon as I had a chance. She was very upset by all this, so I promised I’d call him back immediately, and then never did.
The Band-Aid was completely off at this point, only he hadn’t realized it yet. But he was about to. I sent him a single email, which he’d used to reply back to me, and then never responded to another one of his texts, emails, or phone calls ever again.
Don’t call my mother again. Please leave us both alone.
I didn’t sign my name or soften that blow in any way.
His response came minutes later, and the tone of it was very different from his earlier hopeful messages, which eventually turned to concern, then panic. Now, he was angry.
WTF, Soph? Why are you being like this? I called your mom because I was worried about you. I haven’t heard from you in weeks and this the message you send me?
I thought something terrible had happened to you. I was picturing you kidnapped, hospitalized with some debilitating illness, or dead. I was close to having a panic attack. I’ve known you since we were in preschool together. What is wrong? Why can’t you just fucking talk to me like a normal goddamned person, instead of doing this childish shit?
I’ve been there for you for the last twelve years. Doesn’t that mean anything to you? This is tearing me apart, Sophia. You are one of the few people I love in this world. You know that. Why are you treating me like this? I deserve an explanation that’s more than two lines telling me to leave you alone. You refuse to answer my calls. You won’t text me back. You ignore my emails, unless it’s to tell me to leave your mom alone.
I don’t get it. What did I do that was so wrong?! Can you at least tell me that? This is bullshit, Sophia, and you know it.
He’d sent a few more emails and text messages, all with the same angry messages, the helpless frustration springing off the computer or phone at me, every word inflicting a wound deep inside of my heart that would never fully heal. I didn’t like making him suffer, but my resolve was firm. It had taken time to come to the decision I made, but once I had, there was no going back. This was what was best for both of us in the long run. He was bound to see that eventually. I’d done him a favor, even if he only realized that after a few years had passed.
I went to the messages I’d sent Carter, starting just after that last Christmas break that we’d spent palling around together like old times, only it hadn’t been like old times at all. Something had shifted irreversibly between us the night he almost kissed me. I knew at that moment what I had to do, but had struggled with the best way to do it.
I opened the first message and began to read, steeling myself because I had several to go. This was my punishment for the choices I’d made. I needed to face them, especially now that the universe had seen fit to put Carter right back into my life again. I needed to make sure to keep him at an arm’s length, and this helped, even if it scooped out my insides, leaving nothing but a hollow shell that echoed every time my heart beat.
Glad classes are going well, Carter. I’m really busy right now. I’ll talk to you later.
That email was in response to the twenty paragraphs he’d sent me, along with pictures of things on campus here in Madison, lots of snow and ice, along with a few selfies showing his kind, smiling face, his hazel eyes open and beautiful as they stared out at me from the computer screen.
The next email wasn’t much better. It had been hard initially not to respond when he reached out to me, but I eventually realized that even a super short response was only encouraging him. Coward that I was, I shied away from simply telling him to leave me the hell alone for weeks, until he got Mom on my case. Then I had no choice but to act.
I don’t have much time. I have to get to work. Talk soon.
I blinked back tears, sniffling as I moved to the next email.
I’ll be busy all weekend. Won’t have time to talk. –Soph
He’d called anyway, and I’d ignored him.
There were so many emails. So many chances for me to reverse course, to explain why I felt all of this was necessary in the first place, but I hadn’t done it. Once I set my mind on what I believed I needed to do, there was no going back.
I closed my laptop, unable to continue with the last few curt responses I’d sent in response to the warm, detailed, upbeat emails he’d written. I deserved the chilly look he’d given me last night and the rigidity in his posture, like he expected me to attack his face with my fingernails, causing physical injuries to match what I’d done to his insides.
I’d hurt him deeply, and he’d never understand why. He had to think I was just a heartless bitch who was only thinking of herself when I cut him out of my life. Nothing could be further from the truth, but I owed him his freedom now that he had it, no matter how much it hurt to think of him with someone else, particularly when that someone was Lisa Teller. We were no longer connected, and the loss of that bond still ached deep at my core.
But I truly believed that this was all for the best. I had to believe it, or I’d need to face the harsh reality that I’d made huge mistakes that I’d never be able to set right again. Carter had moved on. Hell, even my own mother had moved on and I’d never thought she would date again after losing Dad. I needed to move on, too, starting right now.
I stood from the desk and left my room, fixing a pleasant expression on my face as I went down the stairs and into the kitchen to join the rest of my family.
Carter
Later T
hat Afternoon
The waitress brought the beers we ordered to the table and took down what we wanted to eat. Jake got a steak and so did I, his medium rare and mine well done. Once she walked off again, we picked our discussion up right where we left off.
“I didn’t tell you before,” I said. “But I ran into Lisa Teller last night.
Jake smiled before taking a sip of his beer. “Oh yeah?”
I nodded, running a finger over the rim of my frosty mug.
“This was after you left my place, I take it?”
“Yeah,” I replied. “I stopped by the grocery store around the corner and parked right next to her. She was getting out of her car the same time I was getting out of mine.”
“Remember how she left with that biker after high school?” he asked, and I nodded. Everyone had known about that. “She came back a month or so later like nothing had ever happened, moving back in with her mom and sister. Her mom died a couple years ago, but Lisa and her sister still live in that house.”
Jake made a thoughtful noise, his dark eyes widening. “I actually haven’t seen much of her since we graduated from high school. I don’t hang out in the old neighborhood much anymore.” He lived on the other side of Madison, near the middle school where he worked as a science teacher. He’d gone to the University of Wisconsin, too. We’d been roommates our last two years there.
“Yeah, I haven’t seen her since high school. I didn’t even know she was back in town.” Of course, I tried to stay away from Madison as much as possible.
“What are the odds that you’d run into her last night of all nights?” he asked, grinning as he lifted his glass of beer to his lips.
“I must just be lucky, I guess.” I said, and Jake gave his full-throated laugh that drew the eyes of the people sitting closest to us in the dining room of the steakhouse where we’d decided to meet up for lunch.
