by Nella Tyler
“Maybe,” I said, but not very convincingly. I kept my eyes on the fire, watching it dance in the stone hearth.
“Mom and I were actually talking about something very close to this the night before you flew in. She mentioned that her high school reunion was coming up and she couldn’t wait to go, even though it meant going all the way to Illinois. She wanted to see what everyone had been up to. You haven’t really talked to Carter in years, and you guys were best friends. I never thought there’d be a time when you two would fall out of touch.”
I clenched my teeth to keep from answering right away and sounding too defensive. Lacey had no way to know what had actually gone down between Carter and me. She didn’t have any idea of the things I’d done and said and refused to say. If she knew, she’d probably be just as disgusted with me as I was with myself. But I couldn’t undo the things that had happened. I could only move forward, trusting that I’d made the right choice and I’d get over the hurt one day.
“People just move on, Lace,” I said, looking sideways at her to find her staring at the fire. “You think you’re going to know someone forever, but then you grow up and have different plans for your life. You just drift apart after that. It’s no one’s fault.”
But that wasn’t true, was it? Carter had done everything he could to keep in touch with me. I’d been the one to break all the bridges between us, carefully built over the twelve years we’d known one another. I’d thrown everything away for reasons I was still trying to convince myself were valid. They were valid, weren’t they?
Lacey turned her head to meet my eyes. “I know, Soph. It seriously sucks, but it just happens. I still talk to most of my core group of friends from high school, but there are a lot of people I thought I’d keep in touch with that I just haven’t, even though we follow each other on just about every social media platform. Most of them are still in town, too. It’s weird how that happens.” She chewed her lip for a second before shaking her head. “I just thought you and Carter would be immune to that.”
“Nobody is,” I said, sounding a lot calmer than I felt. My heart was thundering in my chest. For the hundredth time since I arrived in Madison, I just wanted to scream with the frustration that had built up inside of me for years. I usually didn’t have to face such vivid memories of Carter all day, every day. I could escape into the different facets a life that I was living in a completely different part of the country. But here, I saw him everywhere I turned. And then, of course, I actually had to see him.
“Time just goes by so quickly,” Lacey said, sighing. She leaned her head back against the rocking chair, moving in a slow, even rhythm as the fire warmed up our outsides and the cocoa warmed our insides. “I can’t believe I’ve been out of high school as long as I have. Or that Dad died so long ago.”
“I know,” I said. “When Mom first mentioned getting married again, I was upset for no good reason. I had to remind myself that, even though it sometimes feels like it just happened, Dad has been gone a long time. She deserves to be happy. Dad would want that.”
A ghost of a smile touched Lacey’s lips. “Yeah, he really would. He was that kind of awesome guy. If there’s a heaven, he’s up there right now cheering her on.”
I wasn’t sure what I believed about the afterlife, but I liked the idea of him watching over all of us — I always had, even if that meant he’d seen me do all the shameful things in my life right along with all the great ones.
“Do you think Daddy would be proud of us right now?” I asked.
“Definitely. You’re living your dream. I’m about to live mine, and Mom is happier than I’ve seen her in years. It’s just what he always wanted.”
“I wish he were here to see it.” I wiped at my eyes, not wanting to start crying right now.
Lacey hiccupped a laugh. “He might not be too pleased to see Mom marrying some other guy.”
I laughed, too, wiping at the tears that kept trying to fall. “Yeah, probably not.”
“He’d be proud of us, though, I think.”
“I do, too.”
“So, what are you going to do?” she asked, pulling her eyes away from the dancing flames to look at me again.
“What do you mean?”
She smiled. “About the party.”
“Oh, right.” I shrugged and puffed up my cheeks to blow out a long, drawn out breath. “I think I’m going to go. You should come, too. You know everyone. It might be fun to just get out of the house for the night. Why the hell not?”
Her smile turned wicked. “Maybe you’ll see an old boyfriend.”
I faked an overdone shiver. “No thanks. They are all ex-boyfriends for a reason.”
That only made her smile turn even more impish, her dark eyes sparkling the way they did whenever she was up to something. “Maybe a new boyfriend then.”
I shook my head as I swung my head back in the direction of the fire. “You are ridiculous.”
“You didn’t say no,” she pointed out.
We started laughing again. She definitely had me there.
Carter
The Following Evening, Five Days before the Wedding
I had to force myself out the door, despite the fact that I was pumped to get out of my Dad’s house after hours of talk about the wedding. I was happy for him, but couldn’t wait for it to just be over with so I could get back to my life in San Francisco.
On the drive over, I wondered if I wasn’t making a huge mistake going to this party. Sophia hadn’t said whether or not she was going the other night at the grocery store, but if the rest of my unlucky life was any indication, she’d be right there when I walked in. I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about that. I’d been stunned running into her, but I’d barely just gotten over the shock of running into Lisa.
The music was thumping so loud, I could hear it from where I parked halfway up the street. The driveway was jam packed with cars, as was the curb outside of her house. There was no way anyone inside would hear me if I knocked, so I just walked inside without bothering to do so. The house wasn’t packed, there were about a dozen or so people there, all of them part of our extended friend group. I clapped hands with Jake who was standing in a circle with a few guys I hadn’t seen in a number of years.
I tried not to notice Sophia standing on the opposite side of the cramped living room, a drink in her hand as she chatted with her sister, who had trailed after us for years before falling into her own small group of friends. It was nice to see her, but I cut my eyes away the minute they looked my way, not wanting another awkward encounter like the one at the store. I knew it was only a matter of time before I had to interact with Sophia — our parents were getting married in a matter of days for God’s sake — but I decided it might be best to try to put it off for as long as I could.
“I wasn’t sure you were going to come out,” Jake said, leaning closer so he could scream the words to be heard over the music. “Les and I were just talking about how we needed to come out to California and visit you.”
Les was standing next to Jake with a beer in his hand, looking like he’d already had too much to drink and the party had only just started. He’d been on both the cross country and track teams with me and, according to Jake, was working as a dental technician in town. I wouldn’t have pegged him for that career in school, but it was good work for good money. I slapped hands with him, as well, leaning in to tell him hello and staying there so he could tell me the same.
“Drinks are in the kitchen!” Les said before letting go of my hand.
I went that way, just wanting something to calm my nerves. I was hyper aware of Sophia’s location and the pair of tight black skinny jeans that made her shapely legs look amazing and soft-looking white sweater that showed off her ample breasts and trim middle that she was wearing. There’d been a time when we’d run to each other the moment our eyes met, laughing as she jumped into my arms for a hug. Now we were doing our best to ignore each other while we stayed occupied with everyone else in t
he room.
No one else seemed to notice the tension between us, but I could barely breathe with her in the room.
I found a plastic cooler in the middle of the kitchen floor filled with ice and different kinds of beer. I picked one at random, cracked it open, and emptied it in a few swallows. I needed to just get the edge off and since I didn’t drink much, chugging a beer would do that. I grabbed a second beer and opened it on my way out of the kitchen, taking a few deep swallows before rejoining Jake and Les, who were now talking to another girl who looked familiar, though I couldn’t remember her name.
Sophia was standing in the same place she’d been when I left the room, smiling politely. I still knew the difference between her real smile and her fake one, even after all these years. She stared up at one of the guys we went to school with that I hadn’t seen since twelfth grade. I couldn’t even remember his name. She looked at me, her dark eyes wide, and I looked away, flinching as though her gaze had burned me.
Jake and Les were shouting near the top of their lungs to be heard over the music, going on about some blockbuster movie that had released a week earlier that they’d both seen. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen a movie at the theater — or at home, for that matter — so I just listened without contributing until the conversation fizzled and the three of us went our separate ways. It was difficult to pay attention, anyway, as I could see Sophia’s shapely body at the edge of my vision. But every time I tried to sneak a look at her, she was already looking at me, a puzzled, slightly pained expression on her face like I was bothering her just by being in the same room.
I rushed into the kitchen for a fresh beer, moving past a giggling group of girls on their way out. It was quieter in here, and I wasn’t subjected to Sophia’s withering stares. And, there was more alcohol. I grabbed another beer from the rapidly diminishing stash in the cooler.
Jake came in shortly afterwards, also looking for beer, followed by another guy we’d hung around with back in the day named Kyle.
“Tell me about sunny California!” Kyle said in a booming voice. The music wasn’t as loud in here as it was in the living room, but he looked like he’d started drinking sometime in the afternoon and just never stopped. He was taller than I was, maybe six five, with shaggy blond hair and an even shaggier beard. I’d heard he was selling cars to support his wife and kid. It still blew my mind that someone our age was married and had a child.
“I love it,” I said. “Everything’s beautiful, especially the ladies.”
Kyle held up his can of beer, and we all toasted to that, clinking our drinks together and taking deep swallows before getting back to the conversation.
“You really can’t beat how nice the weather is,” I said, more seriously. “Every time I come back to Madison, I’m reminded of how much I fucking hate snow and ice.”
Kyle and Jake laughed while I took another swig of my beer. I was feeling better the more I drank. I could almost forget that Sophia was only a few feet away from me. Almost.
“Remember that time we spun out up on the hill one winter trying to hook that U turn?” Kyle asked.
I started laughing so hard all I could do was nod for a moment. Once I got myself under control, I was able to answer him.
“Yes!” I bellowed. “We were trying to see who could get around that traffic cone faster, but it was too dark, and we skidded over that patch of black ice. You were screaming that if we wrecked your mom’s car, you might as well leave town.”
Jake killed his beer and put the crushed aluminum can on the counter with dozens of others. I tossed him another of the same brand from the cooler.
“You were always so worried about that damned car,” he said, staring up at Kyle. Jake was the shortest of us by far at five nine.
“Maybe that’s why I ended up selling them,” he replied, grinning hugely.
“Hopefully, you don’t do any of the crazy shit on test drives with customers that you did when we were in high school. There were times I was sure I was going to die.” I brayed laughter and so did Jake while Kyle shot us both the finger.
“Hey, but did you die?”
I shook my head.
“Alright, then.”
The three of us laughed again.
By the time I wandered out of the kitchen, I’d finished another beer and was definitely feeling it. I hadn’t really eaten much today and should probably cool it on the alcohol unless I wanted to get sick. I needed to piss like a racehorse, but the bathroom at the other end of the living room was occupied and there was a line of three people waiting on it. I’d actually been to this house before when we were dating and Lisa’s mom was still alive, so I knew there was a bathroom upstairs, too, right next to Lisa’s old bedroom. Could be her current bedroom, for all I knew. She shared the house with her older sister. Who knew who got the master bedroom?
Sophia had moved closer to the entrance of the kitchen, but was speaking to Les now, whose jokes she was genuinely laughing at. I hadn’t seen her laugh in years. I wished the music was lower so I could actually hear the sound of it. When she really got going on something, she gave a full throated laugh that lifted your heart to hear. She even snorted if you did something funny enough.
She pushed her long dark hair over her shoulder and caught me staring at her again. I froze, unable to look away from her, just wanting to stay in this moment for as long as I could. There was no way to read the expression on her face that would slow the pounding of my heart. There was too much beer sloshing around in my stomach, and I needed to find a bathroom before I peed myself. But I waited to see what she would do. She parted her lips, as though about to say something, and looked back up at Les, the coolness in her expression warming immediately.
My face twisted on its own at being shut out by her again. It was my own damned fault for not getting the message she’d broadcasted loud and clear in college. She’d moved on without me. I needed to try to do the same and stop doing this same pathetic shit.
I cut though the small groups of smiling, drunken people on my way to the stairs. Occasionally, someone would catch my sleeve and draw me into their conversation for a moment or two, wanting to chat about California and what exactly I did out there in the land of sand and sun. I answered their questions as enthusiastically as the evening allowed, even telling a joke or two, before moving on in search of that upstairs bathroom.
I made it to the stairs without letting my eyes meet Sophia’s again, though I could feel her presence in the room. It was a physical force hampering my breathing. It took all I had not to look over my shoulder at her as I began to climb the stairs. I could feel her pulling at me, begging me even, the sparkling diamond of her personality drawing everything in the room to it with its powerful gravitational pull. But I resisted, extending my long legs to take the stairs in twos, getting to the second floor and out of temptation’s way.
The bathroom was at the end of the hall. The door was open, and no one was waiting. I nearly broke out in a run, not realizing until this very moment how much I needed to go. I’d had a lot to drink, and I pictured needing even more if I was going to survive this evening without making some kind of pathetic scene involving Sophia. I’d better eat something if I planned on drinking more, or I’d be in the bathroom puking my guts out for the rest of the night.
I stepped inside the bathroom and closed the door behind me.
Sophia
The Same Evening
I really couldn’t believe I ever thought hanging out in a roomful of all the people I knew back in high school was going to be a good idea. I’d spent the day convincing myself that I could have a great time catching up with people I hadn’t seen since senior year, that we could somehow bridge the gap between where our lives had been when we’d known each other as kids and where they were now; it was one of the reasons reunions were so widely popular to begin with, right? But I’d been wrong.
Not that it wasn’t interesting to see some of the people I hadn’t talked to in years, pe
ople who knew a different, earlier version of the woman I was today, but it was a constant struggle to regain my bearings each time I spoke to someone new. These weren’t the people I’d known back in school — everyone had changed so much, though they’d also weirdly stayed so similar at the same time; I had to wonder what exactly they saw when they looked at me. It felt like speaking to people whose faces I knew, but whose lives I’d never before experienced.
Even with how disorienting it was to be surrounded by so many individuals that seemed like both friends and strangers, I had to admit it was interesting, too…until Carter walked in the front door, stealing all the air out of the room, leaving me gasping and unable to look away from him.
I tried to keep going as though everything was normal, speaking to as many of the people packed into Lisa’s tiny living room as I could, but my eyes were drawn to Carter. I couldn’t stop looking at him. His presence demanded it, and I wanted to obey. He was so strikingly handsome. Even when I turned my back to him, just to make it harder to stare at him like some freak, his presence in the room pressed into me. I couldn’t act normally with him so close.
And every time I looked at him, he was already looking at me, that blank look on his face, his hazel eyes impenetrable, making it impossible to know what he was thinking. He had to hate me. He’d been nice enough in the grocery store, but he wasn’t the type to cause a scene in public, or anywhere for that matter. At least, he didn’t used to be the type to do those things. I had to admit that I didn’t know much about what he was up to now or who he was.
When I cut him out of my life, it was one hundred percent. I didn’t ask about him or stalk him on social media. I just left him behind. I didn’t do it to be cruel, but that was probably how it looked. I couldn’t tell from the dozen times our eyes met across the living room if he was holding a grudge or not. He might have left me behind, too, after trying so hard initially to get back in touch with me, even going so far as to contact my mom.
