by Nella Tyler
She threw her arms around my neck and dragged my face down to hers, locking her lips on mine as we fell back against the bathroom door together. Her tongue entered my mouth, and I kissed her hard for a few seconds, encouraged by the boozy taste of her before I remembered that I didn’t want to do this. I pulled back, and she attacked my neck, sucking hard as her hands dropped to my jeans, fighting to get them open.
Sophia was standing less than ten feet away, staring at us from the doorway of one of the bedrooms, her dark eyes wide as she watched Lisa going at me full force, her hands nearly inside of my jeans now. Her mouth dropped open, but no sound came out at first. She cleared her throat, which sounded extremely loud to my ears, but it didn’t stop Lisa from unzipping my jeans or sucking on my neck so hard it would probably leave a mark.
“I’m sorry,” Sophia blurted, her cheeks blazing red. “I just wanted to get away from the music and the craziness for a moment. I didn’t mean…” But her voice trailed off. She watched a second longer, seemingly fascinated and horrified by the sight of us, and then ran off, racing down the stairs without looking back.
“Fuck,” I growled.
Lisa had managed to get her hand into my pants, brushing the tip of my cock with her fingers.
I jumped and twisted away from her, peeling her hands off my dick and zipping my pants back up while she watched me with a wolfish smile on her lips. She seemed even drunker than she’d been a moment ago. How much had she had to drink? She could barely stand. How hadn’t I noticed that before?
“This isn’t happening tonight, Lisa. I’m sorry. I’m just not in the mood.”
She giggled again. “You look in the mood.” Her eyes were on the tented crotch of my jeans. Her expression changed on a dime, her lips dropping into another pout as she moved her hands over the full shape of her boobs in that low cut sweater. “Are you sure you want to give this up?”
“I’m not taking advantage of you when you’re drunk,” I said, though it felt like she was the one trying to take advantage of me. Still, I was buzzed, but she was plastered. She might not even remember this conversation in the morning. Sophia, on the other hand, had seemed stone cold sober. Fuck. I didn’t know why I cared what she thought, but I did.
Lisa shrugged and went into the bathroom. “Your loss, Carter Mills.” She closed the door, laughing again in her breathy way that I’d found so goddamned captivating in high school, especially when she’d done it while sitting in my lap that night at the lake.
I waited a moment, listening as the water came on in the bathroom, and then turned to follow Sophia’s path to the first floor, in desperate need of some fresh air to clear my head.
Sophia
The Same Evening
I ran downstairs, tears burning in my eyes, needing to just get away from what was happening on the second floor, but the scene on the first floor was only slightly better. The music had gotten even louder and everyone seemed even rowdier than before. There was so much alcohol flowing, and people were shrieking with laughter and drinking like fish. I just wanted to get away. I didn’t want to be here. It had been a huge fucking mistake to even go out tonight, especially when I knew that Carter would be here.
I rushed through the living room to the back of the house, keeping my head down to avoid making eye contact with anyone. I didn’t see Lacey, which was a relief, so I just kept going until I reached the back door. I leaned to the pile of coats on the floor and dug through it until I found mine. I pulled it on and then went out to the back porch, which was bitterly cold, but empty. It was too hot in the house with all those people cramped together, and my internal temperature steadily rising with the fiery emotions that seemed to be rampaging nonstop inside me.
I leaned against the porch railing, dropped my head, and started blinking my eyes steadily, willing the tears back. I was furious with myself for letting things go this far. I should never have come to this party, but now I was too damned drunk to drive home. It would be a while before I’d be able to sober up enough to leave.
I looked up to the second floor of the house and could see dim lights through the windows. I could only assume that Carter and Lisa were up there having sex. They were certainly close enough to it when I stepped out of the guest bedroom. I had just frozen at the sight of them all over each other, Lisa tugging open Carter’s pants right there in the hallway like there weren’t close to twenty people downstairs that she’d invited over. He was kissing her back, enjoying every minute of it.
I wiped angrily at my eyes, my face feeling like it was on fire, my entire body so hot it was a relief to be out here in this harsh winter weather. Though the sight of Lisa all over Carter — and him all over her in return — turned my stomach and stoked all the molten feelings currently roiling inside me, I reminded myself that this was all my doing. I’d put us in this exact place with my actions. Carter had played no part in what had happened between us.
I didn’t have a right to be mad at how he acted now. He’d given me the chilly shoulder last night, but it was nowhere as cold as the shoulder I’d given him back in college, was it? And now I was the one outside cradling an injured heart.
I gave a bitter laugh at how stupid I was, both then and now. This was all just one huge, catastrophic twist of fate. Here I thought I’d been protecting my heart by cutting Carter out of my life, and then he ended up being linked to me in a way I’d never be able to escape. I was going to watch him enter into relationships with other women, get married one day, have children…all while I played the part of the bitter crone. It was my own fault, all of it, but I couldn’t help feeling cheated in some way, though it was my own selfish defense mechanisms that had driven me to pushing him away in the first place.
The door opened and my heart actually lifted a little, expecting Lacey to be coming the rescue again. But it was Carter, his jacket pulled on hastily but not zipped up, hazel eyes wide, and blond hair disheveled from Lisa’s long, manicured fingers. We did what we seemed most comfortable doing around each other these days: staring without speaking or blinking.
He zipped his jacket without looking away from me, everything about his expression completely unreadable, as though we’d only just met earlier this evening and I hadn’t spent my life watching this face grow and change, looking into these eyes as thoughts passed between us that didn’t need words to live.
“Are you okay?” he asked, finally.
I cut my eyes away, staring down at his boots, my entire face burning. “I’m sorry I intruded. I just, I went up there to get some quiet. Maybe I had too much to drink. I just needed a moment. I didn’t mean to throw off your romantic interlude with Lisa.” The words were bitter on my tongue. And, it wasn’t like I’d ruined anything with my presence. Lisa had kept going. Although, it couldn’t have taken very long if Carter was down here this fast.
He snorted a laugh that brought my eyes back up to see the little half smirk on his face, the expression so familiar it tugged hard at my heart. I hadn’t realized how much I missed him until I’d come home to Madison. I’d spent so much time pushing memories of growing up together into a deep dark place that I left alone during most days. That also meant I couldn’t do much thinking about Madison because just about everything that had happened here involved him.
“Lisa and I didn’t have a romantic interlude.”
I blinked and then stared at him wide eyed. My disbelief must’ve been apparent enough on my face because his half smile became a full one and he continued to explain.
“I guess Lisa was interested in seeing if we could pick up where we left off in high school. I wasn’t interested, but she jumped on me right before you opened the door. There wasn’t much electricity between us in high school, and there isn’t any now, really. Whatever fun we were meant to have, we had it back in the day.”
Despite what I’d seen upstairs, I believed him. I could always tell when he was lying, and he definitely wasn’t doing that right now. Reviewing the uncomfortable scene I’d walked in on w
ith the calmer eyes, I realized that Lisa had been the one doing most of the grabbing and rubbing. Besides the kiss Carter quickly disengaged from, he wasn’t even touching her. That helped to bring down the crushing feelings of helplessness, though that still didn’t mend a damned thing between us.
Carter walked to the edge of the porch and looked out into the yard, covered in an untouched blanket of snow. I joined him at the edge, though I kept a foot between us. It was the closest we’d been in years. I was acutely aware of the masculine smell of him. He was using a different cologne now. I wanted to turn to him, bury my face in his neck, and just let that musky scent enter my nostrils.
“Remember back in middle school when we had that big snowball fight and spent all day building igloos and ramparts for our side?” he asked, not looking away from the yard.
I smiled. “Yeah, I do. Those walls ended up falling all over us. I never thought I’d be able to warm up again at the end of that day, but it was such a great time.”
“Until Lacey started crying.”
I laughed, and so did he. “I forgot about that part! She was frozen solid. I thought Mom was going to tan my hide.” Mom had never lifted a hand to discipline us, but she was close that day. I’d been so busy running around with Carter and the rest of my friends that I didn’t realize Lacey forgot to put on her winter boots. By the time she burst into tears, her feet were soaked and frozen solid and her lips had turned blue. Carter and I had to carry her home.
Carter turned to me suddenly, the smile wiped clean from his face. It was dark, even with the moonlight reflecting off of all that snow, and I couldn’t see his eyes clearly.
“What happened between us, Sophia?”
The question stole the breath from my lungs.
“We used to be so close.” His eyebrows pulled together slightly, giving him an injured look, though the rest of his face didn’t change. His eyes remained shaded and hidden by the dark. “I don’t understand what happened.”
I pressed my lips together, staring up at him, the thoughts whirring along faster than I could track them inside my head. I could just tell him the truth. I never had, which seemed monumentally unfair of me, but I’d also never had the perfect opportunity like I did right now. He’d opened the door. I just needed to walk through it.
But it wasn’t that simple. I’d pushed him away for a reason. Telling him the truth risked inviting him closer. I had to steel myself, to wall off my heart no matter how mushy it still felt in his presence. Because I couldn’t get over how attractive he was. My body knew what it wanted at the sight of him, but my mind was flashing red, telling me to be careful.
“I just got busy,” I said in a near whisper. If I spoke much louder, I worried my voice would shake. “That happens. People grow apart.”
His face, so open since he’d come outside, slammed shut, his eyebrows coming together as his expression hardened. “Is that seriously your explanation? You got busy?”
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak.
“Wow, Sophia. Good to see you haven’t changed much in the last few years.” He shook his head, rubbing the back of his neck as he glared down at me. “We’ve known each other since the first day of preschool. We were best friends for years. If you really wanted to cut ties with me, you could’ve at least done me the courtesy of letting me know instead of just ignoring my emails, texts, and phone calls.”
I let his anger wash over me, bathing in it, just letting my skin soak it up. I deserved all his fury and more, but I couldn’t help the defensive tone I took when I spoke again.
“Time passes, Carter. People who were friends don’t speak to each other again. That’s how it is. You can’t tell me that you honestly thought we’d be best friends for the rest of our lives.”
A pained look softened his features, and then they hardened again, his eyes flashing in the moonlight. “You went so far as to change all of your social media accounts, Sophia. You locked me out on purpose. It wasn’t like we drifted apart over the course of a few years or even a few months. It took a handful of weeks. You shoved me out of your life like I didn’t matter to you anymore, like you were moving onto bigger and better things and some stupid kid from back home that you’d known for almost fourteen years just didn’t fucking matter to you anymore. It was cruel and unnecessary.”
He watched me for a moment, simmering, the heat burning up the air, making it impossible for me to breathe or respond to him. “You betrayed our friendship for no reason. You did that. I hope you can live with the choices you made because I’m done being upset by what happened.”
He spun away from me and stalked to the backdoor, going inside and slamming it behind him, leaving me alone on the porch. I collapsed against the railing, covered my face, and started to sob.
Carter
Later that Same Evening
After the blowup with Sophia, I had no choice but to take an Uber home. I couldn’t stay at the party, but it was late and I was drunk. Calling my dad for a ride was out of the question, and everyone I still knew in town was at the party and just as unsuitable to drive as I was. I found Lisa and told her I’d be back the following day to get my car. Then I waited outside for my ride to get there.
Now, I was in the shower at home. I started it off hot, but now it was much cooler. As pissed as I was, I couldn’t deny my body what it wanted, what it had thirsted for since high school. I’d been furious enough to scream what I had to say in Sophia’s face earlier tonight, but I also wanted to gather her into my arms and press her to my body, grinding her against me the way Lisa had done all on her own.
I wanted Sophia more now than I ever had before. My cock was hard just thinking about her curvy body in her jeans and sweater. I hadn’t seen her in a swimsuit since we were kids, but the sight of her in one now would probably undo me. I was pissed at myself for wanting her this much. I should be able to hate her now that I’d heard her bullshit excuses for kicking me aside like I didn’t mean a goddamned thing to her.
I dropped my head into the stream of cool water, hoping it would steal some of this blazing heat from my skin, as well as the desire I still felt for Sophia after all these years. Seeing her had only made things worse. I didn’t understand her at all.
The friendship we’d had was rock solid. It was most of the reason I never wanted to make the move to develop something more. I’d been consumed with worry that I would completely mess things up between us, preferring to remain friends over trying on something more serious only to find that it didn’t fit and then we were stuck with the awkward aftermath. It was true that we’d almost kissed over that last Christmas break, but nothing had come of it. She broke the spell, and I didn’t try again. That couldn’t have been enough to sour things so completely between us.
I just didn’t get how she could tell me so nonchalantly that time just drives people apart, like we’d only been casual acquaintances. I’d spent most of my life with this girl. I knew her inside and out, the same way she knew me. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, even if we could only be friends.
I pushed my hair off my forehead and let the cool water beat against my face and closed eyelids.
Talking to Sophia tonight had left me with a disoriented feeling, like the ground was moving beneath my feet and I had to struggle just stay upright. A realization bloomed inside my head, the flower so ugly, I shoved it back into the dark as soon as I caught the scent of its deadly odor.
I’d always wanted Sophia to be more than a friend, but I took for granted the fact that we had so much time to move into a more serious relationship. I’d thought she would always be there, and I could just wait until the time was right. In a way, I was still waiting. It made a lot of sense and explained why I’d never been able to have a lasting relationship, even in college after Sophia cut off all communication with me. That disorientation made it impossible, that feeling of waiting for conditions to be right, even though the girl I wanted most in the world wasn’t even speaking to me.
; Hell, I’d had Lisa all over me tonight, ready and willing to do whatever I wanted. She’d practically begged me to sleep with her, and I’d turned her down cold. Now I couldn’t even find a reason why I’d done that. I’d been rock hard. All I needed to do was say yes. But I hadn’t.
That fire came to life inside of me, the boiling hot anger racing through my veins and making it easier to cast aside all the soft, mushy feelings I still had for Sophia. The fact was, I’d been denying myself the pleasure of sleeping with willing women like Lisa for years, going as far back as high school. I’d denied myself healthy relationships, purposely sabotaging them for some woman who didn’t even see me as anyone important. Who had been just fine to string me along and then drop me when it wasn’t fun for her anymore.
Fuck that and fuck her. Even when I’d given her to opportunity to explain herself, she’d come up with a bunch of meaningless, petty bullshit, like it wasn’t even worth her time to put together a decent explanation for how she’d treated me. She clearly didn’t care about me at all, which was fine. It was perfect. Two could play that heartless, cowardly game. I was going to take a page out of her book and cut her out of my thoughts starting tonight.
I turned the water off and stepped out of the shower to dry the water from my body. The house was completely silent. It was close to three in the morning; it had taken the Uber driver forever to get out to Lisa’s house, there was so much fresh snow on the roads that hadn’t been plowed yet. I was entirely sober at this point, which helped. My thoughts had been so muddled at the party between the alcohol, the argument with Sophia, and the way my body had responded to what had happened with Lisa. I just wanted to rest and forget this entire confused, fucked up evening.
I pulled on a pair of sweatpants and a shirt and then went back to my bedroom. This felt a little like being in high school again — sneaking back into the house in the middle of the night, trying not to wake up Dad as I crept upstairs, giggly from the night out and the beers I’d had to drink. There was always a party somewhere and alcohol provided by someone’s older brother or sister.
