by Nella Tyler
I really wasn’t avoiding him, just the situation that unfortunately directly involved him. The wedding. Sophia becoming my stepsister. All the feelings I’d had over the last three years combining to drop over me at once like a thick blanket I had to struggle to get out from under. I wasn’t trying to kid myself into thinking that I’d finally found a way out of it, but I felt much lighter tonight than I had two nights ago after Lisa’s party.
Speaking of Lisa, her house was right around the corner from where I was now, idling at a light as I waited for it to go from red to green. I was only about ten minutes away from Dad’s house. I could keep going that way, or I could swing by her place. The thought was exhilarating. Would she even be there? And if so, what would she think about me coming by unexpectedly? It was impossible to know without dropping by. We hadn’t exchanged numbers, though she did tell me the landline was the same as it had been when we were dating. I could look that up and call first. Or I could just go over there and try my luck.
When the light turned green, I acted without really consulting my better judgment, checking my rearview mirror before moving into the right hand turn lane and heading to where Lisa lived instead of continuing home. I felt a tinge of guilt at staying out past Dad’s bedtime for the third night in a row, but promised myself that I’d see if we could do something together during the day. I’d already made plans to meet Jake for drinks the night before the wedding, figuring I’d need something to take my mind off of what was about to happen.
Tonight, however, a plan was coalescing in my head, brought to life by the beginnings of the hope I was feeling that my life was finally going to get back on the rails after the last three years of helpless floundering. It was all well and good to tell myself that I didn’t want Sophia anymore. But what I really needed to do was prove it.
I’d had two opportunities to have sex with Lisa — once in high school and once the other night — both of which I’d thrown away out of some fucked up brand of completely unreciprocated loyalty to Sophia. I might not have realized it at the time, but I definitely did now. She was out living her life and dating whomever she pleased without even giving me a single thought. That might be the real key to freedom. It seemed a little crass, that the liberation from one woman could live between another woman’s thighs, but I couldn’t help but think it had the ring of truth to it.
I’d never acted like the typical high school or college student. I’d dated and even slept with a few other women, but it felt strained, like I was doing something inherently wrong. Now that I was considering all of this with the benefit of completely unobstructed hindsight, I could perfectly see what was going on. Sophia had been unexplainably nasty to me, but the way I’d kept myself from enjoying the company of other women both before and after our fallout had nothing to do with her. That was all on me.
I could kick myself for how I’d consistently limited my own happiness, unconsciously sabotaging any relationship I was fortunate enough to fall into so I’d be ready for the magical future time when Sophia would finally come to realize that the perfect man for her had been sitting right next her for years. I felt like an idiot, but the first step to fixing the situation was to accept my blame in it. Now that I could see things clearly, it felt like I needed to do something drastic to start undoing all those years of unhealthy self interference.
I turned my rental car into Lisa’s neighborhood, creeping along the slushy road. I could remember coming out here a few times every week during the short time we dated. She didn’t have a car, and so got me to drive her just about wherever she wanted. I never minded doing it, content to just bask in the aura of self-confidence and popularity that radiated from her in comforting waves. She hadn’t changed in that regard. There was plenty I could learn from her if I only allowed myself to do it.
I cut my headlights before pulling into her driveway. There were lights on downstairs, in the living room. I killed the engine, feeling nervous but excited at the prospect of going inside, gathering her in my arms, and doing what we should’ve done the other night. My pulse was racing and my mouth had gone dry. It took a few minutes to convince myself not to just drive away and forget this crazy plan. But wasn’t I tired of the bullshit already? And didn’t I want to finally feel free to live my life the way that would make me happy?
I forced myself out of the car before I could think better of it and walked carefully up to Lisa’s door. Her front walk hadn’t been shoveled after last night’s fresh snowfall, so it was up to the ankles of my boots. I stomped my feet on the front mat, dislodging the snow, and then knocked firmly with my knuckles, wondering what I’d do and say if Lisa’s sister Cammy came to the door instead.
But it was Lisa who answered, standing there dressed in black yoga pants and a loose long sleeved V-neck shirt, her hair pulled back in a messy ponytail. It was late, so she wasn’t wearing any makeup. In my opinion, she looked even prettier that way, her skin radiant. Her lips had a natural pink tint to them, and her clear blue eyes seemed wider and naked without so much color around them. She gave me a confused smile, her eyebrows pulled slightly together. My stomach loosened a little at the sight of her. That was the first hurdle crossed. She was home, and I hadn’t run back to my car in a neurotic panic.
“Hi, Carter. What are you doing here?”
I smiled and tried not to look as awkward as I felt. Unlike Sophia, I was sure this woman was interested in me, at least for the night.
“I was in the neighborhood,” I said. “Can I come in for a bit?”
She shrugged and stepped aside instead of answering, making room for me to move past her and into the house.
I went inside, rubbing my hands in the warm air. Lisa closed the door after me and motioned to the couch. There was a glass of red wine sitting on the coffee table and the television was on, though whatever she’d been watching had been paused while she answered the door. Cammy wasn’t anywhere in sight. I hadn’t noticed lights on upstairs from the driveway. Maybe she wasn’t home. That would be the best case scenario.
“Have a seat,” she said, not seeming put out at all by my sudden appearance at nearly ten o’clock at night. “Do you want a beer or something? I have some left over from the party the other night.”
I shook my head as I sat down on the couch. Drinking might complicate matters. “No, I’m good, thanks.”
She sat down at the other end of the couch, really close, but also really far away. Too far to touch, in other words. She curled her legs next to her on the couch and picked up her glass of wine but didn’t take a sip, choosing to watch me instead, her light eyes amused.
“I actually wanted to apologize to you,” I said.
She tilted her head to one side, her perfect eyebrows coming together again. They were much lighter than usual, without whatever makeup she used to darken them. “For what?”
“The way I acted at the party the other night. If I hurt your feelings, I apologize. I was having a rough time that day, for a lot of reasons, and I didn’t mean to take it out on you.”
Her face softened as her naked, rosy lips curved into a soft smile. “I’m the one who should be apologizing to you. I don’t know what came over me that night.” Her smile took a wicked turn, her eyes gleaming with a playful light. “Well, I was drunk off my ass, that was one thing.” She laughed, and so did I.
“That made two of us.”
“Don’t give it another thought,” she said and took a decisive sip of her red wine.
“It reminded me of that time out by the lake when we were dating.”
“Oh, me offering to sleep with you and you turning me down flat?” But she didn’t seem put out about it. She was grinning in a good natured, teasing manner.
I laughed uncomfortably, shifting a little in my seat, and could feel my cheeks beginning to color. “Yeah. Well, I was nervous then, too.” I had no intention of telling her that I’d actually had a condom in my wallet, given to me by my father after an extremely dry, yet awkward sex talk. He made me pr
omise to carry it on me at all times, like there’d be opportunities for sex around every corner.
“That was part of the appeal,” she admitted with a shrug. “I’d been dating jocks and assholes who were so full of themselves, but they weren’t shit, you know? They only thought they were. And then here you are, a tall, smart guy who could run faster than anyone else in school and had no idea how hot he was.”
“Well, you were the coolest girl in school,” I countered, blushing more at the compliments for the boy I’d been back then. “I couldn’t believe that you even noticed me, let alone chose to give me the time of day.”
“I wanted to give you a lot more than just the time of day.” She lifted her eyebrows suggestively, and we both chuckled again. I’d forgotten how funny she was. It had been such a surprise to me in high school because the dismissive, unapproachable persona she wore like armor was so different from the sensitive, albeit look obsessed, girl she was in private.
“You must’ve thought I was a real idiot back then,” I replied. “And now.”
She shrugged, not seeming overly bothered by much of what anyone else did. “Nah. You seemed into it, but scared, too. I understood that. It was actually kind of refreshing. Most guys only cared about sex. But not you. If I just wanted to drive around and talk to you about what was going on in my life, you were perfectly happy with that. I never felt like you were just with me to get into my pants.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. I’d been dazed in her presence, because I didn’t know why the hell she was hanging out with me in the first place. But I’d also been so unconsciously hung up on Sophia, that I just couldn’t accept intimacy when Lisa offered it.
“You’re still just as strange now as you were then, Carter Mills. Just FYI, in case you didn’t already know it.”
I smiled more naturally than before, even as confused as I was by her comment. The conversation had loosened me right up, bringing me back to those times when we’d go driving around for a few hours after school and practice, talking about everything and anything. “What do you mean?”
“Just you showing up here to apologize to me for not having sex, and then making sure to bring up the last time you did the same thing.” She laughed as my cheeks reddened even worse than before. “Not to mention it’s like ten o’clock at night.”
I didn’t have much to say to that that wouldn’t make me sound like even more of an idiot.
“Why are you really here?” she asked, eying me closely. She’d opened the door, again, I needed to either find the balls to walk through it or get up and leave right now.
“To make up for the mistake I made at the party. And that day at the lake.”
She lifted an eyebrow. “Bullshit.”
Her bluntness sat me back in my chair, but I’d come this far, so I might as well go all the way. “I’m serious.”
“You came all the way over here to sleep with me?” She looked ready to burst out laughing, her eyes never leaving mine.
“That’s right.”
She put her glass to her lips, tipped it up to drink the rest of the wine in one hearty swallow, and set it down on the coffee table. She sat back against the arm of the couch and beckoned me closer, her fingernails now painted a dark, shiny blue.
“Come over here and do something about then,” she said, her voice sultrier than before, her eyes doing that dreamy thing they had done the other night. I realized that she really would sleep with me right now. I’d never felt that kind of power before. “I dare you.”
There was only a sofa cushion’s worth of space between us. I crossed it, dragged the short distance by the come hither expression on her face. When I rested my hand on her knee, she didn’t push it away. She titled her chin and pouted her lips invitingly. I’d have to climb on top of her to reach her mouth, which was the point.
A second passed. And then several more.
I shook my head, cursing myself out with every foul name in the book at how fucking stupid I was being, but I just couldn’t do it.
I removed my hand from her leg and pressed my lips together. “This probably isn’t a good idea.”
She scooted up into her seat, her sexy, what are you doing all the way over there expression morphing into one that was painfully close to pitying.
“I thought you might say that.”
“I’m sorry,” I said in a much lower voice, eyes dropping away from hers as my cheeks turned red for the second time.
“Don’t worry about it.”
She stayed silent until I looked up at her again. There wasn’t any tension between us, andshe was wearing the same small, kind smile, but I still felt like an ass.
“You know, I was always pretty sure that you were going to end up with Sophia.”
I frowned just a little, and, all of a sudden, my cheeks were blazing again. “What?”
“I mean, you clearly had a crush on her back in school, and she had one on you right back.” She smiled wider at my bewildered expression. “She used to shoot daggers at me whenever we were together after we started dating. It was actually kind of funny. I used to get a kick out of it, at least. Not much has changed in that department. If looks could kill, I’d have been dead in the soda aisle of the grocery store the other night.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” My throat felt like it was closing up. “Sophia and I are just friends.”
“Sure you are, Carter.” She gave me a knowing grin, but it was kind too. Still, I felt like she’d walked in on me doing something disgusting. “The tension between the two of you at the party the other night was out of control. I wanted to tell you to kiss already. Why are you denying yourself what you’ve wanted since you were kids? Life’s too damned short.”
I stammered an answer about our parents getting married. It was weak, and Lisa just talked right over me.
“It’s not like you’re going to be blood related or anything. It sounds weirder than it really is. And, you two obviously have a thing for each other. Go for it. You won’t be happy unless you do.”
I just sat there, blinking and staring at her, my entire face burning so hard, I wouldn’t be surprised to see it was the color of a ripe tomato if I had access to a mirror.
“It’s getting late and I have an early shift at the beauty parlor,” she said. “Just think about what I said, okay?”
I nodded as we stood from the couch together. She hugged me tightly and rose onto her tiptoes to plant a soft, platonic kiss on my cheek. She smelled like vanilla and brown sugar, and her lips were warm on my skin.
“Have a good night, Carter,” she whispered, staring up at me.
“You, too, Lisa.” I left without another word, hurrying out to my car, my thoughts consumed both with shame over what had just happened — for a third time — and all the things Lisa had said about Sophia and me. I’d been a fool to think I’d ever been able to hide a damned thing. And if Lisa could see it, that meant Sophia had been able to, as well.
Sophia
The Morning before the Wedding, Christmas Eve
I was at my desk in my old childhood bedroom, navigating through work and personal emails, trying to do what I could in this rare quiet moment I’d gotten over the last few crazy days at home. Not that I minded. I preferred to stay busy. It was harder for my anxious thoughts to catch me when I kept myself constantly on the move.
I smiled at the sound of a light rap on my closed door. Mom had always knocked the same soft, unobtrusive way. Lacey, on the other hand, would bang on the door like she was a member of an elite SWAT unit. That was if she knocked at all, which she usually didn’t. It was the annoying little sister part of her personality. Otherwise, she was pretty cool. I counted myself lucky in the sibling department.
I twisted in my seat and called out, “Come in!”
Mom opened the door, looking truly calm for the first time since I landed in Wisconsin. “Do you have a minute, Soph? I’d like to talk to you if you do. I made some coffee downstairs. We could
have that with some of the cookies you and Lacey made.”
I was just about done here anyway. “Sure.” I stood from my desk to follow her downstairs to the kitchen, where she’d already set up two empty mugs and a plate full of holiday cookies, all neatly arranged. Lacey and I had been up into the wee hours last night putting the finishing touches on the gingerbread women and baking the last batch of sugar cookies decorated with ample sprinkles.
I sat down while Mom busied herself with pouring the coffee and grabbing a few napkins. Finally, she sat down across from me, smiling wearily. I’d been so wrapped up in my own anxious, self-imposed drama over the last week that I’d hardly paid attention to how she was doing.
“You look tired, but calm,” I said, smiling as I wrapped my hands around my warm, steaming mug.
She shrugged. “Everything that can be done has been done. Now, I can only relax and hope the wedding turns out the way I planned it.”
“That’s a good way to look at things.”
She was doing it again: staring at me in that way she had, like she saw so many things she needed to say to me but didn’t know how to do it. I swore she could see right through me where Carter was concerned. We’d had a few strained family activities with Carter and his dad, and I felt like I might choke on how thick the tension was. She had to have noticed that. Was this what the talk was going to be about?
I both hoped not and hoped so. Just getting it off my chest would be an amazing relief, even if there was really nothing to be done about it at this point. It had been my secret shame for too long. I desperately wanted to share and, yet, I just as desperately wanted to keep it from ever seeing the light of day.
“Before you arrived, I got the chance to sit down with Lace and have this talk,” Mom said. Her hair was tucked back behind her ears. She’d cut and colored it earlier in the week. Later this afternoon, we were all getting our hair styled and nails done. “I just wanted to talk to you, as well.”
