He wasn’t just someone who coded, he also learned the science and the background parts. He constantly read and wrote papers.
It was be published or die here, and he felt like he was the only one sinking.
“I’ve got it written down for later,” Ethan said as he finally looked over what Maximilian wanted.
“Well, it was supposed to be done three days ago.”
Ethan shook his head. He didn’t look at Julia because he knew that she was rolling her eyes, and he didn’t want to smile right then.
“No, you mentioned it three days ago and said to put it on the list. There are about a hundred other things that we need to do beforehand. We only have so much computational space.”
“You need to get it done. We have that paper that we need to finish, and it’s not just you who has to answer to your bosses. I do, too.”
Maximilian huffed, nodded at Julia, and then went off to his office, slamming the door behind him.
It was seven o’clock on a Friday evening, and they were still here.
Because one of their servers had blown, and they were trying to catch up.
It wasn’t always like this, and Ethan kept telling himself that, reminding himself. But he was terrified that it was going to be like this for far too long.
“Why are we still here?” Julia asked, taking the chair next to Ethan. She had her tablet out, as well as a notebook and pen, taking notes that had nothing to do with what she was saying. He had no idea how she could do that, but she was brilliant.
“Because we need to get this done…yesterday?”
“I don’t think that’s a good enough reason. We’ve already put in more than forty hours for the week. We should go.”
“And lose our jobs?” Ethan asked.
He met her gaze then, and she sighed. “I’m afraid we’re going to lose something more important if we keep staying here like this.”
“You want to talk about it?” Ethan asked. Julia just shook her head.
“No, but I have a feeling that my guy is going to start thinking I’m having an affair.”
Ethan’s brow shot up, and he rolled his chair a couple of inches away from her.
She noticed the action and snorted. “I meant with my job, not with you. But thanks for thinking so highly of yourself.”
“Hey, I can’t help it. I worry.”
“Let’s just go. We’ll tell him what time it is because you know he hasn’t noticed. And then we’ll all go home. There’s nothing we can do right now anyway. We’re waiting for more space.”
“We need another server.”
“And he’s not going to spend the money for it because he never has to deal with it.”
“I know,” Ethan grumbled and then went back to work for another hour.
The fact that Julia was by his side told him how much she was worried about her job, as well. It didn’t matter that they both had two PhDs and worked their asses off every week. The economy was tough right now, and people wanted into their company. And that meant if they didn’t work hard, didn’t produce results once the quarterly reviews came in, they could easily lose their jobs. There was no tenure here, they had to work their asses off every single day.
But Ethan was afraid that he was going to work to the point where there would be nothing left but an empty shell.
He looked down at his phone and noticed there were no texts.
Other than the single message from Lincoln saying okay after Ethan had canceled another date, Holland and Lincoln hadn’t said a word.
This was all on him.
He wished he could fix it all, but he didn’t know how. He couldn’t lose this job. There weren’t a lot of places in Boulder where he could do what he did best. He’d have to change his field of study, and he would if he had to, but he was doing good work here.
But, at the same time, it was the only thing he was doing.
He pulled into his driveway and noticed that Lincoln’s car was there.
“Great,” he mumbled under his breath. No, this could be great. He could fix this. He could apologize. He could get this done.
But the fact that he had no idea what to say was kind of scary.
He lugged himself out of the car, his joints aching. He hadn’t run in a month either, and he could feel his body slowing as if it needed better food, more exercise, and being outside of the four walls of his office. He was burning the candle at both ends, but he didn’t know how to fix it.
Not until they finished this project, at least.
He made his way inside and saw Lincoln on the couch, drinking a bottle of sparkling water and looking at the TV that wasn’t on.
There were only a couple of lights on in the house, and Ethan could tell that Lincoln was alone. Holland wasn’t here.
“Hey,” Ethan said, setting his stuff down on the table.
“Hey,” Lincoln said back, his voice gruff.
“I’m sorry. Soon as we get this project done—”
“No, no,” Lincoln interrupted, shaking his head. He stood up, went to the kitchen, and put the bottled water back into the fridge. That was Lincoln’s bottle, one that he re-used all the time; it always had a place there.
It should have warmed Ethan’s heart to see that, but he was so damn afraid that the bottle wouldn’t be there anymore. That he would just take it and leave, never to return. And it would be all his fault.
Ethan didn’t know what to do. His job sucked right then, but it didn’t always. He just needed to figure out how to make things better.
“I’m sorry.”
“No, you always do this.” Lincoln turned on him and slid his hands through his hair.
That’s when Ethan noticed that Lincoln was wearing a suit again, the shirt unbuttoned at the collar. He looked damn sexy. Ethan wanted to reach out, needed to touch Lincoln. He wanted to kiss him and slide his lips over Lincoln’s just to make things better. Hold him and say that he would make things better.
He wanted to be held and to know that while this month sucked, it wouldn’t always be like this.
But he didn’t move from his spot. He was afraid to. Because what if Lincoln didn’t want that? What if he walked away, what if he shunned Ethan’s touch?
Before they’d kissed, before they’d become who they were now, Ethan wouldn’t have thought twice about it. He would have gone to his best friend and hugged him tightly, complained about his job. And they would’ve been okay.
But things were different now.
He should have realized that. He’d known that things would be different as soon as they had sex, but he hadn’t thought it would be like this. He hadn’t been able to put two and two together to realize that if they fucked this up completely, there was no going back. If he didn’t fix this, he was going to lose Lincoln forever. He was going to lose Holland, and he had just met her.
He didn’t know what to say.
He just swallowed hard and stuffed his hands into his pockets, without words. He knew that was probably the wrong thing to do.
It was confirmed when Lincoln just stared at him and shook his head.
“You always do this,” Lincoln repeated. “I know your job is amazing and important, and I get it. I work long hours, too. And I lose myself in my art sometimes.” There was something in Lincoln’s eyes, but he didn’t say anything. Ethan wanted to ask if painting was going well. Inquire if Lincoln was actually producing anything. But he couldn’t. He felt like he didn’t have the right.
When the hell had that happened?
He was such a fucking idiot, and he didn’t think he could fix this.
There were no words to fix it. It had to be actions. But what could he do other than change his entire life? And maybe that was the answer. He just couldn’t do it right then, especially on no sleep and with no caffeine in his system.
He needed to talk, but he didn’t know what to say. And for a man who was usually better with words, he felt as if he were living in his mind right now, not able to even string
two words together.
“Holland and I are good, but I don’t even feel like you’re a part of this anymore.”
Ethan blinked. “I am. It’s the three of us. It’s always been. I’ve been here. I only missed a couple of dates.”
“Three. You’ve missed three. And considering it’s really hard to get the three of us together, that’s a big deal. And you’ve yet to go out on a date with Holland by yourself. And you and I have yet to actually spend time by ourselves.
“And considering that we used to be together all the time as best friends, it’s a little concerning. I don’t feel like you’re a part of this. Holland’s not saying much, and that worries me, too. Because you know she’s hiding as it is. You see it just like I do.”
Ethan got it. She always looked ready to bolt, even with a smile on her face and that attitude she had, the one where she was willing to try anything. Still, he knew she was ready to run. Then again, he was partly ready for any of them to do that.
“It’s like she’s waiting for the other shoe to drop and for us to leave her like her ex did. Oh, she might have been the one to walk away that day, but he cheated. He left the relationship emotionally long before she did. But it’s not her, Ethan. It’s not me. You’re the one pulling away. You are so damn brilliant, but you never stay here. You always get in your head and forget what’s waiting for you. Don’t fuck this up.”
Ethan swallowed hard and just stared. He didn’t know what to say.
“Because I can’t lose you. But I will let you go. If we don’t fix this, if you don’t fix this, I’m going to lose you. And so will Holland. This wasn’t supposed to be like this. You were supposed to be here. For me. For us. We were supposed to figure out how to help Holland together. But you’re not here. It seems like you’re never here. I don’t know what to do anymore.” And then Lincoln walked past him, his hands outstretched for a minute as if he wanted to touch Ethan but didn’t. And that may have hurt worse than anything. Ethan watched his best friend, his lover, walk out the door, leaving Ethan standing in the kitchen with his mouth dry, wondering what the fuck he was going to do.
Instead of running after Lincoln, he just looked down at his hands and quickly pulled out his phone.
He shot an email to Maximilian, saying that he wasn’t going to be there the next day. That he had enough hours for the week already, and he didn’t need to come in on the weekend, too.
He needed to fix this, he just didn’t know how. But maybe he could figure it out step by step. The first change: he wasn’t going to work weekends anymore. He couldn’t.
He grabbed his keys and went out to his car.
Lincoln needed space, Ethan got that. He knew his best friend well enough to figure that out.
But while Lincoln needed space, Ethan wasn’t sure about Holland.
He had to fix this. It couldn’t be like this. First, Ethan would go to Holland and he would talk to her.
He just hoped to hell he didn’t fuck things up more than he already had.
Chapter 14
Holland had already washed her face, had taken off her date outfit for the night, and had just slid into her pajama shorts and a tank top when the doorbell rang. She looked down at the clock to check the time. Her brows rose.
“Well, either it’s a serial killer or one of my men.”
She paused, a coy smile playing on her face. My men. She liked that.
Of course, she had to remind herself that this was temporary. It was just fun. Because if she let herself feel, yeah…that wouldn’t be good for anybody.
She looked through the peephole, and her heart clutched a bit. She’d missed him. She was a little annoyed, but she’d missed him. She opened the door and leaned against the doorjamb.
“Hey there, stranger,” she said, looking at Ethan as he stuffed his hands into his pockets.
“Hey.” He wore a rumpled button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. It showcased his forearms, and she had to swallow hard. She loved those arms of his.
Just like she loved his mind.
He was brilliant and consistently thought of little ways to make annoying routines easier.
He was good at what he did, but it made her sad that she didn’t get to see him as often as she wanted to.
Though maybe that was a good thing. Perhaps it let her focus on what they were rather than what her damn, treacherous heart wanted them to be.
He had on gray slacks that she knew hugged his ass because she had seen them before. She loved those pants on him. If she remembered right, they were some European cut that Lincoln had given him. Ethan had said that he didn’t even know there was a difference between these and the other pants he wore.
But she noticed. She took in the way they tapered at his waist, showcasing the fact that it was slightly narrow. And she saw how they hugged his ass and his thick thighs perfectly. They made him look sexier than he had any right to. Especially since she was supposed to be mad at him just then.
But how could she be mad when he was the one who was helping her keep her emotions in check?
She’d already had her heart broken once in her life, all for someone that she realized she never truly loved. Someone who hadn’t understood her.
Honestly, she didn’t want to think about what would happen if she fell for one of these guys. Or worse, both of them. Because she could see herself falling for them. Falling so hard, she wouldn’t be able to find her way back out of that crevice.
Watching her sister cheat on her with her fiancé—on their wedding day, no less—had been heartbreaking enough. There wouldn’t be enough wine in paper bags or enough park benches for her to get over what would happen if she fell for Ethan and Lincoln, and something happened.
She wasn’t going to think about that. Instead, she’d let Ethan in.
Into her home, but not her heart. She couldn’t let the latter happen.
Ever.
“Hi,” she whispered. Ethan looked up, his eyes sullen.
“Can I come in?”
She nodded and took a step back. He brushed by her.
She felt a moment of disappointment that he didn’t touch her on the way in, but then she closed the door, and he leaned forward and placed his mouth over hers.
She leaned into him and moaned, and then he pulled back, licking his lips.
“Hi.”
“Hi,” she said again.
“I’m sorry. I suck.”
She raised a brow.
“Really, I do. I’m sorry for canceling again. I would say it’s just this work project and that I need to figure out what to do to get through it so I can get back to normal, but I’m starting to see that maybe this is my normal, and I’m an asshole.”
“Okay? You’re going to need to back up a step. Where is this coming from?”
“I canceled on our date tonight.”
“I know. Because of work. And I know it’s not the first time you’ve done it to us. And from the way Lincoln was acting earlier, I can guess it’s not the first time you’ve canceled plans with him either.”
“It’s not.” He started to pace the room, sliding his hands through his hair.
She was not going to comment on the fact that him being all disgruntled and grumpy just made him look sexier.
No, that wouldn’t be good for either of them.
“This job is taking so much out of me. I love it, but I don’t like what it’s doing to everything else.”
“Okay, that makes sense. Sometimes, our jobs do that to us. I work really long hours because I own my place. And Lincoln does the same with his art.” When he was working, but she wasn’t going to mention that. Ethan had to know that Lincoln wasn’t painting as much as he used to. They’d even talked about it in hushed tones, but they didn’t want to make it a thing. Lincoln was stressed enough.
“I…just…I…” Ethan started to pace again, and she shook her head and then took a few steps forward. When she put her hands on his forearms, he paused and looked at her.
“What?”
“I’m screwing this up. I was the one who was so urgent with this, and I’m screwing it all up.”
She swallowed hard. “Screwing what up?”
“Us.”
Her pulse raced, but she tried to look as if she weren’t feeling anything. That everything was fine, and she wasn’t panicking. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. You can’t screw us up when we’re only starting to figure things out. We’ll find a balance.”
He shook his head and then stared right into her eyes. It made her feel like he was trying to search deep into her soul, to burrow beneath the layers until she couldn’t even breathe.
She didn’t want that. Because if he did, he’d see. He’d see that she wanted this. That she wanted all of this with him and with Lincoln. With the three of them together. And she couldn’t let him see that. Couldn’t want that. Because she didn’t want to end up lying broken on the floor, wanting something that she couldn’t have.
Because she saw the way the two of them looked at each other. They were so perfect for one another. They had all that history and beauty between them.
She didn’t want to get in the way of that. But she could admit that she wanted to be a part of it, if only for the moment. But all of that meant that he couldn’t see her. She couldn’t let him. Even if it broke her into a thousand pieces just thinking about it.
“You need to know. You need to not feel like you’re not part of this. I’m the one who needs to do better.”
She paused, wondering if he had seen into her thoughts, but that couldn’t be.
She shook her head. “Okay, back up. What?”
“Lincoln said—”
She interrupted him. “You saw Lincoln tonight?”
“He was at my place when I got home. And he tore me a new one. Something I rightly deserved.”
She sucked in a breath. “Okay. But I wasn’t there for that. So I don’t know what you’re talking about. There might be three of us in this relationship, but you have to communicate with both of us. I can’t actually read your mind.” Since she’d turned the tables on him, they wouldn’t talk about the fact that he thought she didn’t want to be a part of this. Because she did…so much that it hurt. She couldn’t. She needed to keep those boundaries, even though it was getting harder and harder to figure out what they were.
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