"Same here," he said into her hair.
She felt his warm breath against her neck and ear, maybe for the last time, and felt like crying with the unfairness of their situation.
"Have you had a chance to think about…" he began, then stopped. "God, Hannah, I don't want to live without you. Say you'll marry me and come to Australia to be my mate."
"I—" Hannah's throat felt so tight she could hardly breathe, much less talk. "I love you, Sam. I don't want to live without you, either, but it's such a big decision. I—I just need a little more time."
He tensed, and guilt stabbed through her. She added, "I really wish you could stay just a little longer, so that we could get to know each other better."
"I know what I want," he said, softly. "It's you. I'm in love with you, Hannah. If we're going to do this, I need to know that you feel the same way about me. But I can't stay. I'm so sorry…the flights, the visa, it would all be a huge mess."
"Is this the end?" Hannah asked, her eyes stinging with tears. Her vision blurred. "Have I messed up everything?"
She felt his lips on her temple, the corner of her eyes, her cheeks as he tried to kiss away her tears.
"Don't cry, my love," he begged. "You haven't messed anything up, I swear! If you can't come with me now, I promise I'll wait for you in Australia. Just don't make me wait too long. Please."
Chapter 11
Heartbroken
As he'd predicted, Sam Wilson and his fellow Aussies departed for Missoula and the first leg of their long journey home right after their final communal supper with the Bearpaw Ridge firefighters.
Tears streaming down her face, Hannah stood waving goodbye until the van carrying the Queensland Fire and Rescue team vanished from sight.
Sam's last, desperate kiss still burned against her mouth, and his scent still clung to her. Both would soon dissipate, leaving only memories.
He's gone. And he's not coming back. She felt numb with shock and disbelief, but she knew that the pain would set in soon.
It felt like that long-ago day when her mother, crying, had told her and Kayla and Patrick that their dad wasn’t coming home from Iraq.
Inside, her bear was yowling with grief and frustration. Why did he go away? He was supposed to be our mate!
Her phone buzzed with an incoming text message. It was from Sam.
Miss you already.
Me too, she texted in reply. Love you.
I wish I'd been brave enough to tell him yes.
* * *
Afterwards, Hannah could only remember bits and pieces about the next two weeks.
She wanted to crawl in her bed and sleep away the days and nights, but she had to go to work. Most days, that routine was the only thing that kept her going.
The world had gone gray and joyless with Sam's departure. She moved through her tasks like a robot, waiting for that next text or photo that provided the only flecks of bright color in her life right now.
For him, Hannah forced herself to pretend that everything was okay, sending him selfies with the bakery as a backdrop, asking Annabeth to take photos of her doing everyday things like making an espresso or rolling out dough for pastries.
But things weren't normal. For the first time in Hannah's life, her bear was gone. The constant companionable presence of her beast had dwindled to almost nothing.
Worried, Hannah tried to shift one evening. She couldn't do it. And she couldn't find a way to tell anyone. They couldn't help her, anyway.
Though they lived together in the same house, she and Kayla rarely saw each other, thanks to their wildly differing work schedules. Now that the fire was out, Kayla had returned to her regular job as a veterinarian, which had her driving out on urgent calls at all hours of the day and night.
And that was okay, because Hannah was barely managing to keep things together, and she didn't think she could bear her older sister's attempts at sympathy.
* * *
"Hannah, I'm worried about you," said Annabeth.
She was holding Hannah's phone and frowning down at the photo she'd just taken of Hannah slicing fresh nectarines for a tart.
"I'm fine," Hannah said automatically. It had become her standard response when anyone…her cousins, her mother, her friends…asked how she was doing.
Because she was pretty sure that no one wanted to hear about the fact that her heart had been ripped out of her chest and she was hollowed-out and hurting…and it was all her fault.
"No, you're not fine, and everyone can see it. I'm really worried about you. Here, put that down." Annabeth took the knife away from Hannah. "Let's sit down for a moment and have some coffee."
The breakfast and coffee crowd had come and gone, and the lunch crowd was still an hour away, so Cinnamon + Sugar was deserted at the moment. Hannah and Annabeth normally used this time to replenish the bakery cases and make the grab-n-go sandwiches that were stocked in the cooler.
Hannah filled a mug with some coffee and followed her boss out to the small collection of marble-topped tables and comfy chairs in the café section of the bakery. She stopped to add cream and sugar before taking a seat across from Annabeth.
Annabeth didn't try to interrogate her. She just sat there, sipping her coffee, letting her calm, kind presence work its magic on Hannah.
"I'm a coward. I messed up everything!" Hannah finally blurted out.
"What happened?" Annabeth asked, her voice gentle.
"Sam asked me to be his mate. But he says he can't move here, so I'd have to go to Australia. I…it was such a long way away…and then I talked to Mom and she looked so sad when she mentioned that she only saw Patrick and Jessica and Olivia for the holidays…" Hannah realized that she was babbling out a stream of excuses, and reined herself in. When she spoke again, she reached deep inside her for the truth. "And I was freaked out about having to make such a big change without having any time to really plan for it."
Kayla would have gotten that impatient look on her face, and said something sarcastic about Hannah overthinking things.
But Annabeth just nodded. "I think I understand. When I came to Bearpaw Ridge, it was a pretty sudden decision. I'd finally realized that my relationship with my fiancé wasn't healthy, and I wanted to run away from my problems. My friend Maggie Ornelas told me about Bearpaw Ridge, and a bakery that needed a new owner…" She smiled wryly at Hannah. "All my life, I'd tried to make other people happy—my mother, Roger…well, everyone."
Hannah nodded, struck by an unexpected feeling of kinship with Annabeth. "Yeah, I get it."
As the youngest in her family, with two older siblings that acted like she annoyed them a lot of the time, and a grieving mother, Hannah had spent a lot of her childhood tiptoeing around, trying not to make a fuss. Hoping not to be noticed.
"I always felt like I was somehow an inconvenience to everyone around me, so I worked extra-hard to be nice and good and to twist myself into the shapes that other people drew for me," Annabeth said. "When I decided to leave my old life behind, it was really scary. I knew I was stepping out of the path that my mother and Roger had decided for me, and that they'd be really upset and really unhappy with me. I was so nervous in the days leading up to my departure that I couldn't sleep and I could barely eat. And I was petrified that Roger would somehow find out that I was leaving, and try to stop me." She stopped speaking for a long moment, and stared down into the depths of her coffee cup. Her expression was distant, and a little sad.
"But you did it anyway," Hannah said, struck with newfound admiration for her boss.
For as long as she'd known Annabeth, the pretty red-headed baker had seemed like someone who had struck the jackpot in life—she had a wonderful and utterly devoted husband, a thriving business, healthy kids, and everyone in Bearpaw Ridge liked and respected her.
Annabeth nodded. "I was so scared that I was shaking by the time I loaded that last box in my car. Roger was at work, but I kept looking over my shoulder, thinking that he was going to come charging out of no
where and smash my car to keep me from leaving. Maybe even smash me."
She shuddered visibly, her expression filled with remembered pain.
Then she looked up and smiled at Hannah. "And you know what? That sick feeling in my stomach from all those nerves—it vanished as soon as I'd made it safely over the Bay Bridge and merged onto Highway 80 heading east towards Sacramento and the mountains. That's when I knew that I'd made the right decision, and it didn't matter how angry Roger got, or how disappointed my mother was going to be when she realized that she wasn't getting the son-in-law of her dreams."
Annabeth understood, really and truly understood what Hannah going through right now. Hannah felt like crying with relief.
And she knew what she had to do. Even if it inconvenienced the people who counted on her to be here every day.
Even if it made her mom sad.
"I'm going to Australia." Her voice came out shaky, but she'd said it. She'd made the commitment.
Her decision made, Hannah felt the gray fog of loss and depression lifting. Maybe it's not too late. Sam said that he'd wait for me…and he's been in touch every day since he left.
Then that little voice that always tried to talk her out of taking chances spoke up again. How do you know that you're not making a huge mistake?
Annabeth said, "Good for you! And even if things don't work out in the end, at least you won't be sitting around in ten years, wondering what might have been." Her dimples came out in full force. "Though I'm really going to miss working with you. You've been my star employee and the glue that's held this place together through various crises. But I wish you all the happiness in the world, Hannah. You deserve it, and more."
Hannah took a deep breath. Now that she'd finally made the decision, she had a lot of things she needed to do to make her trip a reality.
But she felt alive again after all that terrible numbness and apathy. Excitement sang through veins, mixed with a bit of nervousness. It was a heady mixture.
"I don't suppose you'd let me work some overtime, so that I can save up for the plane ticket?"
Annabeth laughed, her eyes warm and sparkling. "Let me think about what I can do, and I'll get back to you." She leaned forward and put her hand over Hannah's. "We're going to make this happen for you, Hannah. You just needed to decide whether this is what you really wanted."
"I do want it. More than anything," Hannah said, fervently. "Sam was meant to be my mate, and I was meant to be his. I just let my fear get in the way."
Deep inside her, Hannah felt her bear stir awake at last.
* * *
After her shift at Cinnamon + Sugar finished, Hannah returned to the house that she shared with Kayla.
Kayla had put a beef stew in the slow-cooker for dinner, and the savory scents of browned meat, garlic, onions, and wine greeted Hannah when she stepped through the front door.
She fired up her laptop to check airfares and to check her bank account to find out how much money she needed to save before she could book her trip.
She was shocked to see a message from the bank, notifying about a large deposit recently made to her account.
Puzzled, she checked her balance, and saw that enough money to pay for an airline ticket to Australia had mysteriously appeared in her checking account.
Her phone buzzed with an incoming text.
It was from her mom.
My dear, Ash told me that he knows a passport expediting agency that can get you a passport in just a couple of days. Tourist visas are only $25, and once you book your ticket, the airline will take care of it for you if you scan in your passport and email it to them.
"I don't believe it," Hannah said out loud.
"What don't you believe?" Kayla asked, coming down the stairs.
She was dressed in a faded t-shirt and baggy sweats, and her hair was damp from a shower.
"I'm going to Australia, and I think Mom's on board with it." Hannah could hardly believe it.
Kayla whooped and took the remaining stairs in a single graceful leap, landing with a solid thump on the hardwood floor of the hall.
She hugged Hannah hard. "Took you long enough, Hannah-banana! I didn't want to say too much, but you were such a mess after Sam went home. When are you leaving? And how soon can I visit you there?"
"Are you that eager to get rid of me?" Hannah asked, laughing. "I don't know—I thought I was going to have work a bunch of extra shifts at the bakery—but now…" She shook her head. "I've got to phone Mom and thank her."
Giddy with excitement, she searched long minutes for her phone, then finally remembered it was in the back pocket of her jeans.
Kayla just stood there like the evil older sister that she was, and laughed at Hannah's discombobulation.
"Mom," she said when Margaret answered the call. "Thank you! Oh my God! I can't believe you did that!"
Margaret chuckled. "So, I'm guessing you found my little surprise?"
"Yes! But why? I thought you didn't want me to go!"
"Annabeth called me around lunchtime, and we had a nice long talk," her mother said.
Hannah remembered that her boss had excused herself to run an urgent errand just as the lunch rush was starting.
The realization that Annabeth had gone to bat for her made her want to cry with gratitude.
"And I realized I was wrong to try and hold you back," Margaret continued.
"It wasn't your fault," Hannah assured her. "I was scared and looking for a good excuse not to do the right thing."
"Your father would have wanted you to live life to the fullest," Margaret said. "And that's what I want for you, too. Go forth and have a grand adventure with your mate-to-be. I'll miss you like crazy, of course, but you need to live your life." She paused. "Just promise me that you'll come home for the holidays."
Hannah's eyes were overflowing with tears of joy. "No worries, Mom," she said, unconsciously echoing Sam's favorite phrase. "Sam's family does their Christmas in July. Now we'll have a reason to celebrate twice a year."
Chapter 12
Goodbye, Hello
After a long, long flight that took her from Missoula through Salt Lake City and Los Angeles before the long stretch over the Pacific Ocean to Australia, Hannah's plane finally touched down in Brisbane.
She hadn't slept a wink in nearly two days of traveling because she had been so wound up with excitement and anticipation of seeing Sam again.
Her first impression of Queensland as they came in for their landing was of green ocean and dense suburbs, with lush vegetation that came right up to the edge of the coast. It looked nothing like the barren red rock desert that she'd been envisioning.
When she emerged from the Customs area of the airport, wearily dragging her suitcase behind her, the first thing she saw was a huge banner that read
WELCOME TO OZ, HANNAH!
It was being held aloft by two grinning Australian firefighters that she recognized from their stint in Idaho.
And beneath the banner, holding a giant bouquet of Australian flowers—red and pink protea, banksia, and eucalyptus branches with silvery-green leaves—stood Sam, looking tall and tanned and impossibly handsome…and absolutely overjoyed to see her.
He strode forward as soon as he spotted her, and swept her up in his strong arms.
"God, I've missed you so much," he said, just before his mouth descended on hers in a long, deep kiss that made the very last of her doubts and fears vanish.
"I've missed you, too, you don't know how much. I'm so sorry it's taken me this long to make it here," she told him, when he let her up for breath.
"No worries," he said, glowing with happiness. "The only thing that matters is that you're here now. And you're even more beautiful than I remembered." Then he bent to give her another passionate kiss.
Her blood heated with desire and her heart pounded furiously.
She was dimly aware of his buddies whistling and clapping and cheering…joined by quite a few of the other people in the terminal.
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But she didn't care. She had missed him so much, and she had been counting down the hours, minutes, seconds, until she could be in his arms again, like this, returning his kisses with same hunger that she sensed in him.
A long time later, but not nearly long enough, he finally drew back. "I'm so happy you've come to visit me. How long are you staying?"
Gazing deep into his bright blue eyes, Hannah reached up and touched his cheek, feeling the beloved, familiar stubble caress her fingertips. "As long as you want me to."
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